| may
31st, 2006 |
||
3:03pm
ok, i IMed with dave a bit and feel
a little less nervous.
i know i will feel ok once i just see him.
i'm just feeling rather insecure at the moment.
feeling all slouchy.
i mean, mean he's married to carmen fucking electra.
and i'm 40 (he's 38) and do NOT have an excercise video out.
so...ya...
here i am just the way i am , i guess :)
my pale ass nordic self.
do you think i should dye my hair blood red or keep it blonde?
these are the important questions of the day.
i'm listening to visage.
1:38pm
well, i have to start and get myself
into the frame of mind of going to the science museum in a few hours.
i wish i could shake my nervousness. i'm sure i will feel better once i am
out and about.
i need to keep myself busy, perhaps. i feel....just...breaking up is nervewracking.
and god, i am hella nervous about meeting dave tomorrow, although i shouldn't
be.
12:46pm
jason got a new cell phone that takes
pictures.
and last night he took one of all 3 of the dogs as they were lined up watching
me eat :)
and it was selected as one of the highlight photos:
http://moblog.co.uk/highlights.php
go look :)
jason is being all happy towards
me today.
he said that me seeing dave is the kick in the butt he needed or something.
and so he is feeling all positive and weirdly happy.
and i am happy for him but it makes me feel weird all over.
argh. i hate this.
you know how it is?
12:55am
ohmigod, talk about out of the blue.
dave navarro emailed me and i'm going to hang out with him and jordis (from
rock star inxs show) on thursday.
dave and i have an interesting history that i don't have time to get into
now. but some of you know it from the early days of anacam.
anyway...ya, way out of left field.
never thought i'd be seeing him anytime soon.
i'm pretty shocked.
jason is, of course, upset.
god, i don't want to hurt him, but lord, i'm not letting this pass me by.
i've given up too much.
i'm single now.
my life is mine.
i would not have told jason, but it was complicated.
he had tickets to see blondie and the cars (newly reformed)
and we were originally going to go to it together.
then we broke up so he got his sister's husband to go with him.
but tonight the guy bailed on him and said he could not go.
and he told me this afternoon that if that happened he would ask me to go.
but then dave navarro, completely out of the blue, contacts me and invites
me to hang out on that same day. and heck, i'm just not saying no to that.
and so jason emailed me all excited, he said you can go to the concert with
me now the other guy bailed!
and i said, god, i'm sorry, i've made other plans. it was all rather sudden.
and i couldn't lie to him, i just said what it was.
not rub his face in it. but, what can i say?
i didn't want to lie either.
jason hates lying more than anything.
it's a bittersweet thing, this.
for dave and i, it's been an entire decade building up to this day.
and well, i'm single now.
so it's not like i am doing anything sneaky or underhanded.
but still i know this has got to hurt him pretty bad.
i feel awful.
but i have to start living my life now.
i can't keep giving up things for him.
i'm 40. life is too short.
i didn't even know dave had a new band. i don't keep tabs on him.
just...wham...here it is.
and i really just want to bask in the happiness of it all with no guilt.
i wish it could be that way.
but i'm entitled to do what i want with my life now.
but i certainly don't want to hurt jason.
it is an awkward position to be in.
so ya, if i can hang out with dave navarro and jordis i am going to go with
that. and because at the time he (jason) asked me it was still up in the air
as to whether or not i was even going to be going to this cars/blondie show.
life is complicated.
but ya, finally, i get to sit down and talk to dave like i have always wanted
to for so long. and meet jordis, too.
it's a very joyful thing for me.
and i want that.
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