| may
29th, 2006 |
||
11:19pm
ffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
breaking up!
nothing is worse!
i know you all know that but STILL!
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
is there NOTHING to NUMB this shit?
(yes, i know the answer is no already)
gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why why why why why why why?
motherfucking WHY?
please someone beam peter gabriel into my bedroom with a shot of heroin to
numb the pain and let david gilmore sing "comfortably numb" while
he does it.
can i have that as my last request?
11:11pm
viewed now 1,035 times.
who ARE these silent people?
hello?
that isn't like a ton...but still...
10:48pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LT7RRrns9ao&search=voog
has reached 1,000 views in matter
of hours.
2 comments.
10:37pm
well, i've just been invited to do
teknikunst 2006.
theme: gendertopia
how very.
you remember how the last one went?
fiasco.
but hey, i did it for free so they cannot complain.
i guess that they are asking me back says something.
i'll probably do it because i'm a sucker for that kind of shit. i can't help
it.
i love beaming my image from australia and back.
what can i say?
it's fun to do even tho it's a pain in the ass.
you should try it sometime.
9:59pm
i wrote ingrid chavez a big long
email. i'm so excited to see her. i wish i knew what days she was coming.
it's seriously been a decade since i've seen her. so weird. i still listen
to her music all the time.
she is going to photograph me and i am going to photograph her. should be
interesting :)
everyone has popped out children except me it seems, it's a weird feeling.
i wonder if i will regret that when i get older, but somehow i don't think
so.
i never really have needed people around me to be ok, even as a child i was
happiest when i was by myself and my mud and sticks and stones and stars.
jason and i were going to be married at the ice hotel in sweden.
if we ever got married.
getting married has never really been a big goal of mine, and i never had
this "fantasy wedding" or "fantasy dress" in my mind that
women are supposedly supposed to have ingrained in us by the age of 5.
i really had to force myself to even actually think about it as it became
an actual option with jason.
and even then it was hard to envision it.
but i did make him promise (which i will not hold him to it but i would like
for it to happen)
is that we get married at 12:12, 2012 for 12 days, and then get a divorce.
probably we would not even need a divorce because the whole ceremony would
be in swedish in who knws what.
we were even going to take swedish classes so we would know what they were
saying.
my dad even , seriously SHOCKLINGLY, said he would fly there and marry us,
but he didn't know if he needed a special license to legally marry someone
abroad.
and that , for my dad, is saying a LOT, because my dad is intensely fearful
of travel and airplanes.
it would have been his 1st trip to europe EVER.
but he would like to visit his homeleand.
maybe i will just go to the ice hotel myself.
eat some blubber.
marry myself.
do you ana take thee as thy manninwyfe?
yes, i do.
through good beer and bad beer
through ice and snow
through vinyl to compact flash and beyond
i do take thee as thy maninwyfe until my soul does depart from this flesh
and i become a fish.
no, i wouldn't become a fish. well, ya maybe. if i could be large.
the really deep sea kind of fish
that no one has even discovered yet.
one that lives in the hollow earth.
if i can be that kind of fish. a flying fish.
then yes, let me be a fish.
and let my eggs make the best sushi ever.
it really sucks that i release an
egg every goddamn month and i never even get to SEE it.
what's up with that?
seriously that is fuct up.
is a being lays an egg one should be able to actually see it in a tangible
way.
i'm a fucking mammal for christ's sake.
how ODD is that?
i can make MILK.
how freaking weird?
i seriously wouold make an awesome mother, if my some freak accident i became
pregant *crosses fingers for that never to happen* i would see it through
and really be very dedicated and loving.
and i think i would rock as a mom.
if that was my calling.
but it's not.
but i would like to be pregannt just for a bit to know what that felt like.
to have another being inside of me.
and i would like to see what it would look like.
and i would like to be able to produce milk and see what that feels like.
but i guess...another life.
it's too bad that one can die from pregnancy and that it can fuck up your
entire body.
i'd love to have a baby for a gay couple as a gift.
in theory.
but i know as soon as it was inside of me and growing i would never ever be
able to give it up in a million years.
it would be a little piece of me and i would love it and cherish it and nurture
it with all my heart and soul.
i guess that is the 1 thing i have
in common with my mother.
she can't give it up.
i understand this and almost admire her for it. because i know she means it
from the heart, what she does...sort of...i think.
i mean...she's dedicated....to not giving up. i'll give her that.
i guess so i am since i am the one who called her. gah.
i fucking don't know.
she emailed me today and i just didn't know what to say.
i just said i've said all i can say but i am here to listen if you have more
to say and then i said there is a storm coming and i'm going to watch it.
and then jason came over and i calmed
him down because he was having a panic attack. we still both love each other
so much.
god, it's fucking tragic.
and then i wrote ingrid.
and the puppies are all mushed on the bed and i don't know what the fuck i
am doing or where i am going but at least i know who i am.
i DO have that.
i really truly can say that after all this time, and not to say that is set
in stone, i am constantly changing.
but i'm not having any sort of identity crisis or anything.
and i'm not really going " what shall i do? what shall i be? where should
i go?"
i'm really just very satistfied to maintain this apartment in this old factory
overlooking the mississippi.
i really could die here and be happy with that as long as i just knew i wasn't
ever going to get kicked out.
that's all i want is something stable with good lighting.
a tree and some ground would be nice.
i'd like to have garden.
but if that can't happen, so be it.
at least i have a good view.
i have 3 dogs, a really fantastic view with great lighting.
i somehow, i don't know how, manage to make the stupendous rent each month
on this place even tho i know they are overcharging me.
i do what i love for a living which is just to be me.
i'm going to go to vancouver in july
and learn sonia's craft and carry on her tradition in my way.
i feel i am on the right path.
i don't know what path it is, but i feel it is right, even tho it is very
painful.
i do a little bit of this a little
bit of that.
i can make the soup and the string from anything.
i can create something from nothing.
and what more could you ask for?
(well, ok, i can think of 7 billion more things right off the bat, but let's
not get started).
8:04pm
wow!
|
|
now THAT makes want to learn how to knit!
6:54pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkNoG6_l9Bk
wow. THAT is bizarre.
whenever i think i'm weird i need to just watch this.
let's just put adam ant and i on our own special island and be done with it
already, k?
it would save everyone a lot of trouble.
6:28pm
jason and i went out to a chinese
buffet together, since that is really all that is open today.
we both sighed huge relief at being somewhere familiar with each other...we
are both so shell shocked and lost.
but still our conversation was nothing but terrible sad.
he told me about all the condos he is looking at.
when he moves out of here we will see very little of each other, i think.
right now it's too easy to just run 2 doors down for a hug, or for him to
say can i come over and squish the puppies? i told him he always has visiting
rights to them. deiter and sebastian have never even known life without jason
in it. so fucking sad.
the storm is moving in. the wind is whipping around. a bit of thunder....
my mom is emailing me stuff trying to still explain things to me.
i have no energy for it.
i just write her back and say i've said all i can say about everything but
if she wants to just keep talking about stuff, i'll just sit here and listen.
but i told her it would be great if she could just stop talking about it and
we could move on.
i doubt that will happen so i guess i will just learn how to put on body armour
and sort of shut down and go on stand by when she is around. i can't think
of what else to do. it's either that or a screaming match and i definitely
choose not to do that.
i really wish i had not told her all these things that have been going on
with me the last year, like terrible embarrassing self destructive things
i've done when i''m drunk and in terrible pain, because now she has more ammunition
to use against me to call me crazy. but whatever. what can i do?
it is what it is.
at least i am taking steps in the right direction to stop my self destruction,
the #1 thing on the list being that i needed to break up with jason because
that was fucking me up really bad, and then the mom thing on top of it and
then my dad and my brother...just..really it's all too much sometimes.
the dysfunction of my family is just absolutely off the charts.
and then jason and his dysfunctions and his families dysfunctions and mix
it all up with a stick and a shot of whiskey and you've got yourself quite
the self destructive chinese water torture type of agony.
thunder again, the dogs are all huddled around me under my desk
so i'm going to move there so we can all huddle there instead.
4:06pm
storms are on their way here.
jason and i both feel nervous today, we have IMed each other.
we both don't knwo what to do with our day because it's too hot to go outside
and everything is closed.
i hope if storms come they come in the daytime because i want to go walking
in the rain very much.
the sky has a haze to it, like a humid hot sort of haze.
i feel antsy but not super depressed.
i wish things were finished in my house and i wish it was not so hot out and
i wish i could go to menards and i wish i had more money.
maybe i should cook or dance or eat something.
my mom gave me this framed piece
of art she bought for me.
it says on it:
"there has never been a day i have not been proud of you, i said to my
daughter, though somoe days i'm louder about other stuff so it's easy to miss
that."
i like the drawing that is on it. and i like the part of being proud (although
that rings a little hollow for me).
but i don't like the part about her being loud and so it's easy to miss that.
i mean, i get the point and the sentiment, but when i read the sentence all
i think about is the loud stuff because the loud stuff is SO loud,
i don't even want to be reminded about
it, let alone hand it on my wall.
and it's not a print , i don't think, it's actual art, and framed.
so what do i do with it?
argh.
3:39pm
i really fucking hate it that my
mom runs to my dad and tells him everything right away like a little cry baby.
like he has ANYTHING to do with anything between she and i. what an immature
dipshit.
what an emotional hog.
in lighter news, it's a lot more echoey in here with the carpets gone.
i'm kind of suprised because my bedroom is not very big at all.
also i now have the clickety clack of dog toenails.
i need a runner carpet in the hallway.
i like this idea a lot:
http://www.interfaceflor.com/
modular carpeting :)
i'd love to go to menards today and get some sandpaper and paint but everything
is closed today due to memorial day.
i wish i could afford a new bed.
i just want a new bed like a clean slate or something.
and the bed was already used when i bnought it, too.
new beds cost so much.
i'd really like one that folds back into a couch so i can have more room in
here.
maybe something from ikea, but i don't know how comfortable those are.
also i am pretty spoiled by king sized beds at this point and i don't want
to buy all new sheets for a new size of a bed.
if ikea just has an easy couch/bed type system that has kingsized sheets,
that would be great.
not that i could afford it now anyway, tho.
i have run into the end of my birthday money and i have to keep $700 aside
for when i go to vancouver in july to learn and do hair.
i've already paid for my plane ticket and paid her 1/2 of what is costs for
her to teach me (1,200)
and i still need a bass and now that i have sold my danelectro bass i have
NO bass.
i will have to sell things and hopefully maybe have a client or 2 to do hair
on to make some $.
memberships to ana2 are the lowest they have ever been. there are like 70
of you now only.
but i don't advertise anywhere and i suppose the immediate content of my site
has changed since now i am 40 and not 31.
but i do believe the best is yet to come. i just have the feeling :)
that pays my rent but nothing else.
so i'm glad to learn to do hair.
the universe always provides in some eway , somehow.
so i just have to keep believing it will all work out somehow like it always
does.
i could advertise that the sex photos from 1997 are up since those are highly
coveted and probably get about 20 more members just for that.
but i think it would be rather tacky of me to advertise that kind of thing
at this time.
i don't want to shove anything in jason's face that will make him sad.
i don't think he belongs to my mailing list, but i'm sure the news would get
back to him somehow, so i'd rather not risk hurting him.
maybe i can sell some of my hats 1/2 price.
or maybe i can spin and sell some yarn.
i don't know.
i should pay the phone and electric bill today.
3:01pm
wow, i slept until 3pm? wtf?
i must need the sleep because of all i am going through emotionally and physically
and then not eating much.
it looks really nice out and i'd love to go for a walk, but it's 91 degrees
outside and that is just too hot for me.
even last night right before i went to bed it was 78.
that would have been a nice time to walk, in the warm dark, but too dangerous.
i woke myself up a lot while i was sleeping because i was talking in my sleep
a TON tonight.
i can't remember all i said except for this one part of the dream where i
yelled "i'm lost!"
i was trying to make my way home in a war zone. miinefields, etc.
dead bodies. too tall of grass, too deep of snow.
the only "good" part of this dream is when 3 restauraunts arrived
at this "party" i was at and they each brought what they thought
was their best food.
one was fried chicken and french fries, one was tapioca pudding with cantalope
done very elgantly, and another was some sort of shredded carrots and other
raw vegetables , also presented very elegantly.
everyone went for the fried chicken and fries and so did i. no one wanted
the other stuff.
they were really insulted and didn't understand. i said to them simply that
even tho it is the middle of may we are experiencing winter. i said, look
outside it's a blizzard! we need warm hearty food now, but i'm sure you food
is excellent, it just would be better for a summer lunch not a winter meal.
they didn't seem to get it.
oh and another dream where i am at high shool again, i have a million of these
dreams.
but instead of just not graduating 12th grade they sent me back to 10th grade
and so i just sat in class laughing and so they sent me off to be tested.
there were all these babies around that had mouths that were too large for
their heads. they were like cartoons and they were ridiculously happy about
everything and drooling excessively.
there is a ton more to these dreams i could say, buses, signs in weird languages,
highways, traffic, trains,
interrogation rooms, but it's just too much to get into.
i don't feel as motivate to rip carpet today. maybe because i am sore and
just waking up and now the carpet that is left to rip is underneath heavy
furniture.
song in head: windpower by thomas dolby
4:02pm
couldn't sleep so i fucked myself
silly, trying to unclog my energy. imagining each orgasm as light going to
up my spine out of the top of my head.
i seemed to find myself in that moment, and i re-remeembered who i was and
regaining back some of my energy as a sexual being as connection to something
bigger.
also tried become more aware of my breathing and my muscles and keep my spine
straight. i don't want to orgasm just to be numb and escape. i want to connect.
i think i achieved that a bit and i have the feeling that i am coming back
to life slowly and not a completely shattered lost cause.
i want to live.
then i posed in the mirror like a
rockstar and lip synched to grace jones :) ha :)
trying to become aware of my body again and how everything moves.
then did some stretches. just trying to get this energy moving in me again
and in balance.
i'm still there, in all this rubble.
under all this wreckage and layers of other people's dysfunctional crap that
i have taken on over the years from the multitudes of people i met and have
dropped off a few garbage bags into my energy field.
i am shedding.
i am transforming.
i am renewing.
my body is mine, my space is mine, my time is mine, my life is mine.
i have it all back now and i want to live the life i was meant to.
i'm ready for all full on transformation.
i'm crawling into bed now and going
to listen to C2C.
+++
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