| may
28th, 2006 |
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10:51pm
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ate tabouli my mom gave me. it's
so sad to eat it. and she is such a good cook.
i wish my mom wasn't so...whatever she is that makes her so...irrational.
i wish my mom had no computer access. somehow computer access is her crack
cocaine or something and she is seemingly normal without it. so many relationships
have been ruined because of the internet and so many have formed because of
it.
i'm sore all over from my work i did today.
but it feels good, i really needed to do something super physical today.
i think i really need to take up kick boxing or something.
if i just had a house i could go in the backyard and chop wood or dig a hole
or something.
but being in an apartment building i can't just "let all out" like
i really need to.
and then it just comes out in the weirdest ways like if i am drunk or something
i will just become really mean to people for no reason at all. because i have
all this inner aggression and anger that i never get to just release. i've
never been this way before.
what doesn't kill you makes you weirder.
it's totally fuct.
and then i have not much to soothe me either.
so it's just try to stay as numb as possible so that i do not bother anyone.
maybe when i played live i got to get that anger out physically. i think i
did and i miss that.
i don't want to play live again but it's really cathartic to scream your brains
out into a gigantic PA system.
i miss being able to do that.
i need to scream.
i used to get to scream every week since we would practice 1 to 3 times a
week.
it sounds weird, but i think i need to scream and scream as loud as i can
every week just to stay somewhat in balance.
either that or i need to become a construction worker.
i don't know...i have no outlet for my aggression and anger.
typing about it kind of helps but not really.
i need to bang on shit or go weld or something.
start a bonfire and dance around it.
ya, dancing. that, too.
i used to dance ever day.
i never do that anymore.
i need my screaming/singing/dancing back.
bonfires would be nice, too.
i'm going to go read more of "creating
sacred space with feng shui"
and then tomorrow, if i am not too sore, i am going to get more of this damn
carpet out of my house.
with every section i get out of my house i feel better and better.
it's amazing how much negative energy things can hold and that just by getting
rid of these things your entire energy field improves. or even just dull blah
energy. it makes you not able to move.
i feel like my apartment is so much more alive now.
like it can breathe.
everyone should live in a home that makes them feel safe and reflects their
inner selves and works with them and not against them.
it's amazing how completely ignorant most of us are towards how the things
around us affect us, no matter how small. just like in this society we don't
know how or what to eat.
we are so off balance.
10:32pm
ok we hugged and it's "better".
however you define heartbreaking as "better".
i'm finally able to eat something today. eating some cheese and crackers.
9:32pm
ok, we are done with our "internet
fight"
but i am still too upset to see him right now.
9:04pm
i'm out of the bath now.
jason knocked on my door 3 motherfucking times during my bath and i kept saying
"i'm in the bath!!!!!!"
then when i was out of the bath he knocked on my door again which makes the
dogs all go crazy and he knows that.
he wants to talk one on one and i just don't want to. not after that bullshit
text messaging we did this afternoon.
i'm going to open the door to him and let him in so he can give me another
goddamn lecture and it will make me cry and shit?
NO FUCKING THANK YOU.
i said email me, but he said he won't.
he wants to talk one on one but i don't want to because it will make me cry.
if he has anything to say to me he can email me.
i'm not opening the door when he won't even give me ONE single reason why
he wants me to open the door.
i said EMAIL ME.
he says "what do you want me to say?"
jesus christ if you don't know what to say then why are you knocking on my
door?
ok, he emailed me and told me he
wants to know why there is a double standard that i get upset if he sees a
girl and he cannot get upset if i see someone.
DUH TIMES INFINITY.
HUMAN NATURE!
do i want to get into a lecture about that subject?
hell fucking no.
ohmigod i hate this shit sooooooo much.
i just want to skip to the part where this doesn't hurt anymore.
8:04pm
arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!
i hate this motherfucking break up BULLSHIT!
THERE IS NOTHING WORSE!!!!!
7:29pm
jason finally text messaged me on
his cell.
he said hi, i said hi.
i told him what i was up to today.
he said he was on his cell in the car.
he's acting really cold and hostile.
i don't know what he's mad about, if it's something i have specifically done
lately or just mad at me in general about the entire break up thing.
i asked him if i could watch sopranos at his house and he said "maybe"
i said "are you mad at me?"
and he said "Im Not happy about stuff but were broken up. so what can
i say"
then he just said "later"
fuck.
just what the fuck have i done now?
why did he even msg me at all if that was all he was going to say?
thanks?
so now i am just wondering what in the fuck did i do?
i haven't even SEEN him, barely.
what the hell.
this fucking sucks.
if you're going to be hostile and cold to be at least tell me WHY.
i'm jumping in the bath.
fuck this shiznit.
i HATE passive aggressive behaviour.
ok, he must be home now because he
just got back on and told me it's a repeat tonight.
i said "weird"
he told me it's a holiday.
i didn't even know it was a holiday today.
i'm adding more hot water to my bath
because it started to get cold.
fuck it.
oh we just messaged a bunch of bullshit to each other.
i won't even go into it.
fucking a, he just says "ok,
i'm done. bye."
really fucking mature.
WTF????
what in the motherfucking christ did i do??????
i just shut off my IM.
FUCK THAT.
we are broken up now.
we have been since the 14th.
i can do whatever i fucking want to and it's none of his goddamn business.
i don't need a fucking lecture or some passive aggressive immature shit thrown
at me.
7:15pm
i've put the big red area rug down
in my bedroom that i got from target so i have something nice to walk on while
i work out my floor situation bit by bit.
the dogs are really wondering what is going on.
6:47pm
i think of done enough carpet ripping
for this afternoon.
i'm beat and i don't want more blisters.
get in the bath now.
haven't heard from jason all day.
i wonder what he is doing.
i wonder if he is home.
it all feels so weird.
my heart hurts.
6:25pm
blisters. more bandaids.
i'm starting to feel a little nauseous.
it's 93 degrees outside.
i have the carpet about 1/2 way gone from my bedroom.
later on i'll have to move my ned and all the furniture and get that carpet
, too.
what a project this is.
it feels good, tho.
now that i know i am not going to move into some condo with jason, i can just
make this apartment into the home i want because i know i am not going to
move until i can buy my own house.
i don't want a condo. i want a house that has a yard.
i like to work on physical things like mowing lawns and stuff.
who needs to join a health club to get excercise when you could work on a
garden or fix stuff around the house?
work/play/home should all be one thing, not separate things.
in my world, anyway.
getting rid of this carpet is like getting rid of all the energy of everyone
who has ever lived here.
getting back to the wood.
5:10pm
oh see now why people wear those
work gloves.
you get cut a lot doing this sort of thing.
4:29pm
god, i stink. i am sweating up a storm.
i'm making a bath.
whoever came up with the idea of wall to wall carpeting?
who thought that would be a GOOD idea?
and in BEIGE?
*screams*
3:52pm
got there must at least 1,000 years
worth of grime under these carpets!
i feel like i am getting rid of all this slimey energy in my apartment.
ick ick yuck!
goodbye slimey energy!
and the creepy guy from across the hall moved out.
yay!
goodbye creepy guy!
one down 3 more to go.
there was fucking MOLD under my carpet.
that is GROSS.
wall to wall carpetting...never again.
from now on it's area rugs where i can clean UNDER the rug as well as the
top.
2:02pm
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i had dreams i was on some reality
show with tawny from the whitesnake video, diana ross, and like 10 more people
i cannot remember now. but really huge people you'd never expect to be on
a reality tv show.
it was a nightmare as everyone vyed for attention.
diana ross and a few of the other "huger" stars just their best
to stay in the background, and so did i.
there was a swimming pool and at the bottom were rusted and old pieces of
metal. i kept dicing down to see if i could find anything interesting but
mostly it was just links of chains (again 3 links) and some round things like
coins that had holes in them. what are those things you use them in plumbing
like in faucets, i can't remember what they are called. there was a tall african
man who was just like some sort of perfect statue. he would walk around completely
in the nude and say nothing. he would dive into the pool perfectly. very streamlined.
i asked if i could touch him because his skin was just perfect. as i did this
he turned into this other guy i know named zero, and he told me that i had
electric hands, especially when i would put my hands over his heart chakra
he would say to me and his friend who was watching "can you feel that??"
i was glad he got some pleasure out of it but it didn't do much for me.
i woke up with a diana ross and the
supremes song in my head (i think that is who does it?) "you can't hurry
love"
today i am going to continue ripping the carpet out of my bedroom.
all i have is a small exacto knife. i wish i had a box cutter. but the exacto
knife works, too.
it's really hot outside, like 90 degrees. and very very windy.
i had my air conditioner on and it was fine in here then i opened my window
just a crack because the whistling sound was driving me nuts and also i wanted
some fresh air in here.
but now it's super hot in here now so i am going to close it.
i should go downstairs and get soem cokes so at least there is something in
me to burn while i rip the carpet out.
with each little icky dirty square of carpet that is gone it gives me such
a thrill. i fucking hate this carpet, you have no idea.
light beige carpet is just the worst.
i'll keep it in the thing room because in there it's still in bearable condition.
but in my bedroom, just forget about it.
every day it seems i talk to jason
less and less.
it feels weird.
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