may 27th, 2006
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9:47pm

painting my floor is going to be quite the project.
1st, where do i move all my stuff, 2nd, i didn't know i needed to paint 2 coats of primer and then 3 coats of polyuruthane. wow.
not to mention the sanding! it will be good excercise.
it's going to look so much better in here when it's done, tho.
and i feel like i am gewtting rid of all this old crappy energy in here from the carpet.
i want everything renewed.

9:36pm

ok, i think i've ripped out all i can for tonight.
i'm exhausted. i did really eat today or yesterday except a coke and a few crackers.
and today i've been drinking orange juice.
i need a power sander.

8:16pm

it's going to be a long project. i will probably have to sand the floors a bit.
and i haven't what colour to paint them yet.
maybe silver, maybe red.
maybe striped.

7:45pm

i'm using my nervous energy and anger to rip the carpet out of my bedroom.

4:41pm

 

i'm completely paralyzed by nervousness today.
my mind is racing and i have no concentration.
maybe it was a really bad decision to contact my mom.
maybe she thinks so , too, and will leave me alone.
god, i don't know.
i'm so nervous. i feel like i could throw up i'm that nervous.
i can't watch tv or even read or crochet.
all i can do is take xanax and stare at my ceiling.
i just want this day to end.
my mom was really unfair pulling that shit on my yesterday.
handing me a thing on cyclothymic disorder and underlining for me all the things she thinks are wrong with me, like "exaggerating past achievements" and "brooding over past events" "inflated self esteem"
excuse me?
and especially since she knows i am going through super hard times with jason and i breaking up.
but what else could i have expected?
i fucking walked right into it.
i have no one buy myself to blame for it, i suppose.
also it was disturbing that she seemed to be aware of things i write about her in private, although she had it all twisted around so it was only 1/4 right.

i've lost weight, i can't eat.
i weigh 106 right now. which i don't mind.
so at least i'm getting one good thing out of all this mess.




+++

horoscopes from:

http://syndicated.livejournal.com/is_aries/
http://www.astro.com/
http://www.tarot.com/astrology/
http://itsalllove.com/starry_eyed/starry_eyed.html

Your Horoscope for May 27 , 2006

It's a good job that it's the weekend, because you're going to be in a very flighty mood today. Anything that requires a serious and considered approach won't appeal at all! Unfortunately there will be something that you will need to address before you can start to enjoy yourself.

and

Taking notes
Your mind will be very stimulated today. You are fascinated by every new phenomenon that you encounter and eager for more. If you are relatively flexible, this need for excitement means that you may get bored more easily than usual. If you are not flexible, this could be a very nerve- wrecking day, full of little surprises and upsets that overtax your nerves. The plans you have made for the day may not work out at all, and the more you are counting on precisely one set of conditions to be fulfilled, the more upsetting this influence will be. Either way, the day's tempo will be brisk. Thoughts will flash through your head at such an amazing speed that it will be difficult to keep track of them. Perhaps you should keep a tape recorder handy in order to record your ideas before they disappear.

and

Saturday
Moon in Gemini
Moon conjunct Mercury 7:21pm PDT
Sun sextile Saturn GEMINI-LEO

The energy of the new moon carries over. Still in Gemini we could now have the brainstorming session of this season. A great day for spontaneous conversations but also good to get the community together to work on areas that have been full of tension. Use this swift mental energy and fluid tongue to search for new perspective on these log jams. The placement not only greases the ability to project communication but also to receive. We can really hear what it is someone is trying to get across to us. A great time to listen to those who usually don't have much to say as they'll be more looser lipped. These are the people that we should hear out anyway, they've been simmering these thoughts so they aren't just flighty bits of mental fancy but actually deep thought out theories. Listening to someone, really hearing them is a great way to show love, we all need to be heard.

and

Although you might believe that you can talk your way through any problem now, you could easily overestimate your capabilities. If you try to do everything, you'll waste precious energy and won't succeed. Instead of taking on more activities, limit your choices and do one or two things really well.