may 26th, 2006

i have 167 songs in my ipod now.
i see how one can go through 1GB very quickly.

so here is what i put on it for now:

grace jones greatest hits
coldplay, a rush blood to the head
antena-camino de sol
eno-another day on earth
kosheen
a couple janet jackson songs (all for you)
frou frou-details
goldfrapp,. felt mountain and supernature
some songs from david bowie's heathen
broadcast-tender buttons
nine horses snow borne sorrow
depeche mode-violator

i know i put on more...but i can't find it right now.

 

nite.

 

9:45pm

in happier news i received my ipod nano today which i bought using a gift certificate from my friend.
i'm still trying to figure it out, but i just love it.
i'm just not exactly sure how to add songs to it without checking the "automnatically upload all my songs" thing.
if i uncheck that and try to add them manually i seem to not be able to do that eyt.
but i'll figure it out.
it's nice to have recieved this happy thing today.
also my mom brought me a lot of food, which she always does when she comes over.
and i appreciate that from her very very much.
she also gave me this mug that says "good girl" on it, that makes me feel a little uneasy.
but i'm sure she had the best of intentions when getting it for me.
maybe it was just wishful thinking on her part that she wishes i was a good girl, because i certainly don't feel like i am one in her eyes.
whatever.
i just feel numb. like just on overload. short circuited.
i'm actually glad for it because i really don't want to feel right now.
it's like a computer that shuts itself off automatically if it gets too hot.

i'm going to put more songs on my ipod now.
the weather here is getting really warm. it's going to get up into the 90's.
jason is at the violent femmes at 1st ave.
i hope he is having a good time and not worrying about me.

9:44pm

so i wrote this in my LJ for her:

"i would just like the world to know, that despite my mom and i not seeing eye to eye on many subjects, i still love her dearly.
that is all."

9:03pm

i will probably have quite a few things to say about this as i take in what just transpired today.
but one thing just hit me that struck me as extremely odd or a total lie.
she told me that after the cop gave her the restraining order on her, another cop followed that up with a phone call to make sure she got it.
and this cop asked HER is *I* was mentally ill.
because he could not imagine a daughter putting a restraining order on a mother.
and that if that ever happened to him it would crush him.

now 1st of all, if a cop really did truly say that to my mom...don't you think that was COMPLETELY out of line and unprofessional to ask HER is *I* am mentally ill?
as if it is ANY of his business prying into why i got that restarining order on her.
it's his job just to call her to see that she got it, which i don't see why anyone would need to call her top see that she got it since it was delivered to her in PERSON, so of COURSE she got it.
and for some cop to then give her all this sympathy and ask why i got the restraining order on her and ask am *I* crazy...well...that just seems fabricated to me. i know cops can be unprofessional, we've all seen that....but come on.
but if this is inded true how completely out of line that cop was to pry like that and make assumptions and ask HER what my mental state could possibly be.
just assuming that i was in the wrong and poor poor mom, totally wronged to get this order on her.

i think she made that up.
i really do.
and for her to even telll me that story made up or not/

WTF?
what was the point?
guilt guilt guilt?
oh cop thinks i might be crazy...what is THAT supposed to do to me?
make me question my sanity just because he is some fucking cop who should be minding his own damn business?

god that pisses me off.

i think she fabricated that story to guilt me out.

 



8:25pm

holy motherfucking day from hell.
my mom came over here at 4pm, and i thought maybe we could just be mellow about things and talk about things about NOW, not in the past.
but no...she just delved right back into the whole song and dance of the past and then got mad at me if i showed any hostility about that. so i listened to her and listened to her, and got her kleenex as she cried, and i just tried to contain myself and not get hysterical, too, so i just sort of shut off and just listened to her and let it move through me not against me.
and if i trie to talk she would interupt me and not let me finish my sentences, and then she would complain that i was not listening to her, when that is ALL i was doing.
i told myself i did not expect her to change and i will just accept her for how she is. and this is how she is.
but goddammit, it was hard.
she just kept saying she wanted me to own up to thisd and own up to that, and what she wants most from me is to go out on LJ and make a public apology to her telling everyone that i don't think she is crazy and that she is a good and kind mom.
because all she cares about is her reputation to a few people on LJ.
i mean, geez.
i kept telling her that even if you took everyone on LJ out of the equation, that NONE of these people have ANYTHING to do at all as to why i was mad at my mom and why it all fell apart.
but she just cannot seem to get that.
it's too exhausting to type out.
i've typed it all out before.
i'm sorry she is hurt and that i hurt her.
but i still think she has NPD.
she said can you just leave open the possibility that you MIGHT be wrong?
and i said sure, i can do that.
i said can you hold the possibility that YOU might be wrong?
and that question just seemed to short circuit her brain and she immediately just said "about what??"
and so that is that.
and i kept just saying can we just be here and NOW?
can we just not talk about this anymore?
can we just come to the conclusion that none of that stuff from the past will ever be resolved and that we will just not understand that about each other and that is that?
that's all i want.
just.....it cannot be resolved all that.
it just gets into this who said this and who said that and when and i don't have the whole frickin script in front of me to prove anything so it's ridiculous.

so then i just had this hysterical mother on my bed and she was desperatelt trying to get a hold of her husband so she could get the hell out of my apartment. she was just panicky, and i can understand that.
it was all just such a fucking mess, i just feel numb from it.
i've just shut off.
i guess really, what else can i expect from her except for her to just be like that?
she wants so hard to be understood and for me to see it 100% her way. that is just never going to happen, and i have made peace with that but she has not.
and i'm sure not going to make a public apology about it, because i DO still stand by the things i said. i think she was very abusive and selfish and i'm not going to make some big public statement saying that i don't think that anymore, because that would be a lie.

she still can't see how what she did was abusive, not can she see what she did was stalking and she doesn't understand why i got the restraining order on her. she thinks i did it to destroy her and that is so not the case. i was trying to save myself from her constant stalking. i needed to be left alone and she just was not capable of doing that.


she's never going to get it and i accept that.
it is what it is.

but i don't think i'll be having her over for tea any time soon. and that is certainly a shame, but it is what it is and nothing i do will ever change that.

it really fucking sucks.
i am exhausted.
my heart hurts.
her heart hurts, too.
i hate to see my mom in so much pain.
but i can't heal her, i just can't.
and i'm not going to release some bogus ass apology on to LJ so she can feel like her reputation is in good standing order to people she doesn't even give a shit about anyway.
and you know , these people have moved on with their lives and i'm nnot going to just sit around and stir the pot again.
just LET IT GO MOM.

and she said if i want to get in good with her family again then i should make a public apology. seriously. fuck that.
it's like crazymaking blackmail.
i'm sorry that the way i feel has hurt my mother.
i really i am. and i have told her this.
some things i did were vindictive like doing the nerve photo shoot in her wedding shoes. i admit that was mean.
and i have taken down from my LJ EVERY SINGLE POST.
everything cannot be fixed in one day.
in fact, i do not think they will ever be fixed.
so be it.
it sucks to have to coome to that, but what more can i do?
she says she wants a truthful relationship with me.
if that is the case i am certainly not going to start it out by lying to her and everyone else that really she has done nothing abusive to me. and maybe she is not mentally ill, i certainly am open to that possibility, but when a person does things that only a mentally ill person would do, it's hard not to put 2 and 2 together.

i'm not saying i'm sort some of poster child for saneness.
who the fuck IS sane in theis crazy world anyway?

+++

horoscopes from:

http://syndicated.livejournal.com/is_aries/
http://www.astro.com/
http://www.tarot.com/astrology/
http://itsalllove.com/starry_eyed/starry_eyed.html

Your Horoscope for May 26 , 2006

With a rather beneficial aspect from the moon in the morning you should be on the receiving end of a financial boost, which is good news! Then when the moon shifts into Gemini you?ll find that you?re great with those important or difficult decisions at work or school too! All in all a successful day!

and

Fair exchange
You feel contented and benevolent under this influence. You are at peace with the world and want to share your feelings with everyone whom you meet. Friends, in particular, may be the beneficiaries of your generosity, as you may benefit from theirs. In either case you both will benefit, because everything done under this influence becomes a fair exchange in the long run. This time is favorable for all financial enterprises, especially those involving foreign investments, medicine or the law. Any legal matters decided during this time will also work out to your benefit. A new friendship or love relationship that begins now will be beneficial. Such a relationship will bring out your best qualities and can truly be described as a growth relationship. You are attracted to high-minded and upright people.

and

Friday
Moon Void of Course 3:39am PDT
Mercury square Uranus GEMINI-PISCES
Moon into Gemini 12:19pm PDT
Moon Conjunct Sun 10:26pm PDT
New Moon 6 degrees Gemini
Sabian Symbol: In flaring artificial light, amidst ghostly steam escaping through the rigging, grimy workmen are drilling for oil.

This new moon chart potent. Each new moon is played out through the full moon to come and defines also the waning pattern. So it's like the undertone flavor setting for the next month. This has the Sun and Moon in Gemini, we'll be reaching for pens, paintbrushes, guitars, computers all in an attempt to get it down. It's like a mental hurricane, and we all love playing on the beach when a storm is coming in.

The real players on this new moon are Mercury and Uranus squared and Saturn sextile to the new Moon at six degrees. What we think matters, now we have an ear to overhear what the brain is prattling on about while we go about our lives. In actuality what we think becomes matter. So if the internal critique is allowed to ramble around in the subconscious cutting you up now is the time to lobby that perspective to get helpful or get out. Internal dialogue that upholds conceptions about people, places and things should be revisited. If you tell yourself you're not good with your hands and become helpless every-time you have to pick up a tool it's has a lot to do with the subconscious ramblings. Changing them opens us up to learning.

With Saturn in Leo so closely aspecting this new moon the words from the mental can quickly come to the heart plane and become physical reality. It's up to us if it's an inspiring poem that lifts the soul up to learn new things or is a diatribe of past trials that keeps you from expanding.

and

Your eagerness to tell secrets today can backfire on you unless you think about the consequences of your disclosures. You may feel that it's better to just get it all out in the open, but some things are better left unsaid. Telling the truth is admirable, but not if it needlessly hurts someone.