today's anagram

may 21st, 2006
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wpw, LOTS about thomas dolby i did not know!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Dolby
he played with the soft boys (i had no idea robyn h. and he were friends!) and also on def leppards pryomania!
plus made all these ring tones for cell phones.

me on sally jr.
she is an undead exoskeleton of a blackhole.
i mean that absolutely literally.

(my hair! thanks to sonia :)
i got some sort of cotton puff thing going on there.

hey i just noticed that when they say my name they say "ana", in parenthese. wtf?

i was supposed to be on a show about online journaling when all of a sudden "WHAM" i find out as i walk on the stage i am on a show called "i'm a stripper. deal with it".
i was completely bamboozled.
there's cris, my 2nd x boyfriend. the one who beat me.
loser.
long story how he ended up on that show with me.
i wish i knew how to make my vhs cassette into an mp3 for you to see.
that entire show was just a fiasco.
and i ripped that "tv psychoanalyst" guy a new asshole.
that was in new york just week's after 911.
it was freaky.
really freaky.

i didn't make it to ground zero because it was still pretty hard to get close to there.
but by firestations there were tons of memorials and flowers.
the whole city had a really weird feeling about it that is impossible to describe.
weird because hwere we were everything looked the same, but you knew that NOTHING was the same.

i was in a hotel where i could see the empire state building from my window really well.
it's still my desktop wallpaper on the laptop i took with me then.

===

when i met jason , in person, for the 1st time, he was playing his keyboard in his band.
the way he swayed to the music and his delicate touch on it...
that is how i wanted him to play me.
i fell in love with him right away when i saw him play his keyboard.
i thought, that is the sexiest person i have ever seen, look at how he touches the keys...
he is so graceful.
so attune to his band. so attentive to detail.
so sensual, so delicate.
such a beautiful beautiful being.
jaosn has the most beautiful eyes.
his body is always the perfect temperature.
i love the way he smells.
the sound of his voice soothes me.
he was such a good listener. he seemed so calm and kind.
i wanted to crawl inside him and make a nest.
he is a creature.
he showed me all his things and i showed him all of mine.
but then we never could go further.
why?
why do these things happen to me?
what about me makes men so afraid?
am i just fuct? what?
i feel like i am just a toy to them.
or something...
i make them curious and they come to play with me for awhile and then they just...it just gets so fuct up.
i was never twisted before. weird yes, but twisted, no.
now i have weird twists in me that i don't even understand because i have held myself into shapes for so long like some sotrt of contortionist that i cannot even get my spine straight anymore.
if i couldn't be loved when my spine was straight who can ever love me now that my spine is crooked?
i'm not scared to die alone.
i don't need anyone to complete me.
but i'd like to be at the top of someone's list, and not in a high maintenance kind of way.
but in a ...oh i own a plant i should water it and make sure it has sunlight kind of way.
maybe i am like the dog everyone gets because it looks cool but it doesn't match their lifestyle.
and so they try and train it and i try to be a good dog, the dog they have in their head.
i can't be that way anymore.
i need to be matched up to the person whose lifestyle matches mine.
i'm not a show dog or a dog to be trained.
i'm not just a toy that you can play with when you feel like it and then put me away in a drawer until you have time again.
i am not a computer game or a doll to collect and dress.
i'm so sick of it. so entirely sick of it.
i need to be loved so badly it hurts.
and i don't want to be anyone's "project" to fix.
fuck that shit.
really, seriously. fuck it all to hell.
if i have to be alone, fine.
i'll deal. i deal with anything, in the end.
but fucking a.
the lyrics to "please god" are my epitaph.

i'll tell you the only good fuck i've ever had in my entire life was the bass player of the band, blondie.
nigel.
that is IT.
i don't know why, it's inexplicable.
but you know we had NOTHING to say to each other.
at least on the phone.
in person, sure.
on the phone...nada.

i don't know if we had ANYTHING in common except that we were both in the music business....but god....he was electrifying and fit like a glove. i'd do anything to see him again.

he was working as an A&R guy then for A&M or something and he was flown out to see my band to see if they wanted to sign us.
well, nigel didn't get us signed and i really didn't care.
the second i saw him it was like we were 2 magnets being drawn to each other. the second my set was over we were making out in the back of 7th st entry.
funny, too, because, that night i decided to draw on a fake goatee and wear a huge leather codpiece :)
oh and also i was topless, before my surgery so i looked like a small gay boy or something.

we only kissed then.
and then by chance i was in NYC a few weeks later to be signed by radioactive MCA and i met nigel in the hotel room they gave me.
i think it was the whitney. i don't know why i always stayed there.
it's like when i go to L.A. they always stick me at the roosevelt.

anyway, nigel and i were like cats.
we didn't say much to each other but he did tell me the most amazing story about the day he came to america to be in blondie and the very hotel we were in caught fire and so he had no where to go and ended up in central park when simon and garfunkel were giving there legendary free concert there.
and he met some woman at the park and they drank JD and then when they went back to the hotel they got free champagne because the hotel had caught fire.
the way he told the story is way way better. especially since he has the english accent.

you know, i almost went to lima, peru last week to meet up with my old english boyfriend, howie.
but then i realized the idea of that is probably better than the reality of that. plus i didn't have a passport.

most of the men in my life have been such selfish careless lovers.
i don't know what the fuck is up with that.

god, give me a person who likes to make love like the french like to eat.
to savour, enjoy, take it in, not rush.
it doesn't have to be a goddamn 7 course meal each time.
i sure don't want a 7 course meal every time i eat.
but even if it is just 1 course can we savour that ONE course and take into account BOTH people?

i'm so exhausted i just want to fall into a river and drown and be over it.

you have no idea.

OMFG
thomas dolby is the sexiest man alive.
(i can say that now because i am single)
OMFG
to die to die to die to die to die.
i am such a groupie. a shameless one.
that man.
to DIE.
what a beautiful man in every single way.
i am so lucky i was on the planet at this hour to see his show.
he has not played here in 22 years!
22 has been a recurring theme for me all day. so fitting.
"windpower" is in the same key as the SUN.
he figured that out.
god i love a person like that.
he thanked me for the flowers. i touched his hand.
his hand his hand his hand.
what beautiful being.

jason is so much like him.
i was there with jason and i can see the thomas dolby in him waiting to burst out.
please let it burst out.
and let me be there when it does.
ffffffffffuuuuccccccckkkkkkkkkkk.

jason is inches away from being there.
it makes me ache to not be the one who can be there to let it out for him.
god, it so fuct up.
i can't stand it.

we're so perfect for each other...except that he doesn't love me like i want him too.
why?
why is that?
why god why????

OMFG.
i need a man that loves me like thomas dolby loves his wife.
i do.
i really really really really do.
i want a passionate man. a brilliant man.
a kind and gentle man.
who LOVES me and wants to fuck me against a wall with his entire soul.
(or woman)
anything anything just god please.
please god please send me a person who looks in my eyes with passionate desire tempered with deep compassion.
let this person rejoice in things like trying to figure out what songs the sun is playing through some frickin sattelite somewhere. just for the heck of it. sticking in the numbers to see what comes out.
that kind of sense of humour. that dedication and curiousity.
but god PLEASE let ME be the thing that moves him/her MOST.
i don't want to be secondary anymore.
i don't need to be a queen but fucking a let me just be LOVED and SEEN. i don't want to be an afterthought.
FUCK.

of course i am projecting all my shit on some guy i do not know.
but goddamit.
i DO know. i really really do know (what i want).
at least i think i do.
i hope i do. at this point.
if i don't i am in big trouble.

6:30pm

went to target , got some flowers for mr. dolby.
some orange and purple daisies :)
hehe :)

i also got this big red carpet.
i'm going to rip this nasty beige carpet out of my bedroom and put down the red carpet.

i think it's white wooden floors underneath.
that will look SO much better.

i ate a cobb salad and i'm making a bath and listening to the beatles.

i can't believe i am going to see thomas dolby!
i hope i get right up to the stage.

i also bought this nice futuristic wire bowl to put my yarn in when i am working on a project.
it was only 7 bucks. kick ass :)

2:55pm

tonight is thomas dolby!
i am going to buy flowers and throw them on stage for him.

i had THEE most intense dreams.

i was back at this house i always go to in my dreams.
it's usually pretty rundown and it's on the shore of a lake, sometimes the lake floods the house.
i have a favourite room that has beautiful windows and a great view, although it's sometimes very soggy.
in another part of the house is a deck/dock that is usually pretty iffy to sit or stand on due to the rotting wood, but i'll go out on it anyway, because i like the view and being by the water.
although sometimes i cannot get on the desk because the water is too high and has covered it.
when you walk inot the house you have to go down a flight of stairs to get to the rooms i like, even tho they are on the ground level.
so i guess the entrance must be one level up.
this time i arrived at the house and it was completely fixed up.
and i realized whose house it was finally, i said "this is my aunt grace's house!!!"
but now it had been bought and it was some sort of nice restaurant and completely packed with people.
nothing was flooded. it was a very fine restauraunt. the dock/deck had been totally fixed and was now concrete instead of wood.
i couldn't believe it.
i was very excited, i said to whoever was with me, let me show you my favourite room!!!
but the place was so packed that it was hard to even navigate in it, and in my favourite room was now beautiful drapes and was filled with people eating and having a good time.
i couldn't get in it because it was too full.
and all the window seats were taken.
before there was not even furniture in there but now it had nice tables.
i would get glimpses of the beautiful lake and it was sunset and so it was just gorgeous. the lake was like glass and the sky was blue and orange sunset. my heart ached to just to sit by the water and take it in.
but waiters came through and told me i was in the way and could not sit there whenever i would find a place to sit or stand.
i said, ok, let's go to the dock, and i could stand out there but then i was with 3 guys, i don't knwo who they were.
they all had crushes on me.
the one i least liked started pushing me on the dock...not in a bad way but in a way you would do on a sled, because the dock had a thin layer of ice on it and when he pushed me i would totally slide and it was fun.
the dock was connected to a huge cement walk way that went up a hill. he started pushing me up the hill and i was still sliding.
i decided to just go with the flow and see where it all lead because i was curious to see what was on the hill.

we ended up being caught in a huge contraption.

oh wait, going back, i was also on a showboat but they pulled all the blinds so i could not see the water again!
argh!

anyway, so we get stuck in this weird almost willie wonka like contraption that is on the ground.
it's almost like a miniature train, or maybe more like a rube goldberg machine. it was very complex and impossible for me to describe it but there were moving parts, like a clock, but it was on the ground, so we would have to move wuickly through it to not get caught in the gears.
i realized it was painted red white and blue, but mostly white.

and in the center was the liberty bell, painted red white and blue.
and on one track tiny missiles were coming out of it to be shot up later. at first i thought they were for a war and then i realized we were right in the middle of soomething getting ready for a gigantic fireworks display.
we had to get out of there fast or we were going to be in the midst of a lot of fireworks going off.
we made it through and officials closed the gate behind us, and again, i was cut off from the water and everything.

then we were in a park.
clear marbles with white opaque swirls inside were everywhere in the ground.
i wanted to pick them ALL up and keep them, but there were so many there was no way and i had nothing to carry them in.

then i noticed also huge glass globes on the ground.
i picked one up and one was not perfectly round but shaped like a frozen turkey.
all the continents were depicted as animals, and australia WAS in the shape of a frozen turkey or a whole chicken you buy at the store. you know, without the feathers and all that.
ready to cook.
australia took up 1/2 the "globe"
i though that was so odd. i wanted to keep it because it was just so weird but it was too heavy to carry.

then i saw more globes of earth made of glass.
i thought they were free, i wanted one.
then i realized that they were all 56 dollars and i didn't have the money to pay for that.
they had set them all on the ground as a way to make people want them. it was a marketing technique.

going back in time into the house,
i found a bunch of dead people who looked very bloated.
they were disgusting looking.
i propped them against a wall to decide what to do with them, get someone to bury them or something.
they were oozing. their heads especially so.
they were so rotting i thought their internal organs were going to fall out of them. it was like they were liqufying.

then they all "came to life" they really hadn't been dead.
these oozing corpses were just cocoons for a new body.
they ejected out of them by pulling to black cords located in each shoulder.
and then they flew out of the bodies, ripping them open and they went flying into the sky. it was a full moon.
all of a sudden i was one of them and i was flying.
i felt so free. i could fly and fly so fast.
i was so amazed and elated that this would be my new life now.
i had wings but they were invisible.
i looked down at my legs and i had young muscular legs.
i was so so happy and i flew across the water into the sky.
i would fly right next to the water as if to almost skim it.
it was an amazing feeling.
i looked back at the bloated bodies and felt still disgusted with them. i could not even look at them.
but i knew i didn't have to look at them or clean up the mess, i could just fly away.

---

ok, now i totally get the symbolism in all this dream, it's pretty obvious...BUT
i don't understand why the house was completely fixed up but i could not really be in it and get a good view of the water in it or
own it even partially, since it had been my relatives.
i was REALLY happy that it was being well taken care of now and totally renovated.
i knew it was in good care. but why couldn't i stay in the house?
and be in my favourite room anymore?

maybe the house represents jason?
ya, i guess that makes sense.
maybe all the times i dreamed of this house it represnted jason and my relationship with him.
and i was always trying to fix it or love it but it was always damaged. and now the dream is telling me that jason will be ok and will be renovated and filled with happy activities and people.
but i am REALLY sad that i was not able to be in it anymore and have my favourite view.

but in the end i got a really good view as i left the bloated body behind and could fly and skim across the water.

what an interesting and intense dream.
so joyful but also so bittersweet.

i don't understand the park and the white marbles and the globes and the weird liberty bell and it's gigantic moving contraption.

and why was i being shown australia as a frozen turkey?

woa, just looking at the weather forecast for here and it's going to be in the 80's and maybe even 90 degrees next week!

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