| may
20th, 2006 |
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5 seconds of porn and then the buggaloos???
who sent me THAT vhs? :)
found the german programme where
they talk to me live via telephone while displaying my image (a programme
called "escape"?).
i have no idea what the translater said and then the tape ended.
that was a WEIRD day. remind me to tell you about that sometime!
++
good god, going through these unmarked
video tapes to see what they are so i can get rid of some.
came across me on the sally jr. show. hahaha. what a TRIP!
no words.
i have to find someone who can transfer these videos to mov or mpeg or avi
so you can see them!
fucking a, i held my own on that show. heck yes.
11:37pm
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don't worry. pooka
does the same thing back to him.
nutty dogs :)
anapix by alfred
10:16pm
god, how or what do i say to jason's
family?
i mean, they already know and are really sad about it.
but do i write them a letter saying goodbye or WTF?
how completely odd is that?
this is nothing i have ever had to deal with before.
all my other boyfriend's families i was never close with at all.
jason's family LOVES me and i love them! they think i am the cat's meow.
and i've just never experienced such a warm and inviting family. i feel a
PART of it.
i really DO! how can you unfamily a family? even tho we are not legally family,
i feel they are my family.
part of the fabric of my life.
they totally expected jason and i to marry.
(marriage has never been one of my goals, i don't place a huge amount of importance upon it, but i'm not against it either. i'd marry if it was right. and if i never marry that is fine, too. i never had any dreams of the perfect wedding dress or any of that sort of thing. i never felt a need to be "princess for a day". or have this "perfect day". i just want someone solid who loves me for who i am. that is all i need or want.)
i went to all their weddings, birthdays,
anniversaries, holidays....
a huge jewish family where being a family is very very important.
it was foreign and overwhelming to me at first, but now it is part of my being,
too.
his dad told me that he could not
wait until the day he could call me his daughter in law :(
they are all very special people to me and now i lose them, too?
what do people do about this kind of situation?
i suppose i should write them some
sort of formal goodbye letter?
god. fuck.
and auntie just turned 95 a few weeks
ago, and now what...i just never see her again?
what the hell?
man, thank god that jason and i at
least do not have children (except the dogs, which is really hard too, because
the dogs are our children, and they love jason so much) and a house and we
have separate bank accounts, etc.
we even live separately but on the same floor 2 doors away from each other
(he is going to move out).
who would want to sort all that out?
but ya...his family....i realized
this when we broke up but i think i just realized it even more now.
and being that i don't have much of a family and that his loved and accepted
me so much...
this is really hard.
i didn't expect this part.
fuck.
9:07pm
good lord, ben hur is on pbs.
this movie always cracks me up. i never can sit through the entire thing.
it's basically just a gay soft porn S&M movie, from what i can ever tell.
all these sweaty men battling it out.
i always expect it to break out into a massive orgy any minute.
7:57pm
jason and i are the worst breakers
up ever.
so he comes over and gives me a bowl of cereal and shows me his new cellphone
and i tell him i'd help him clean his house if he wants because he is totally
overwhelmed by it and i know how depressing it is to be in a messy place when
you are depressed. but he is like no he wants to just figure out how do it
it on his own (not like he doesn't know how to clena but it overwhelms him
more than it does me, like i get overwhelmed if my computer breaks down. total
gender stereotypes, i know, but there you go).
i'm so glad he is finding healthy things he likes to eat. he is the pickiest
eater i know, so it's always so cool when finally he finds one more thing
he can eat. so awhile ago he discovered kashi and now they make it in clumps
that are super crunchy..and he is trying to describe this to me like it's
a brand new thing that has just been invented.
"it's like clumpy and crunchy and really good!" he says.
and i say, "you mean GRANOLA?" :)
so yes he has discovered that he likes granola today :)
he also has discovered vanilla soy milk.
i can tell that when he is someday healthy and his found his way with that
he is going to be one of those super energetic guys who have down a whole
plan and formula for health down.
he'll get all into juicing and start experimenting withh getting everything
down to it's exact weight it should be and how much of this to add and how
much of that to add. he will have every fancy gadget ever monitoring his heart
rate and he'll get down this "perfect system".
i know he'll figure it out and get it down.
i'm glad i could show him how to be healthy with no fancy system, gym equipment,
personal trainers, or diet books. so at least he has that fundamental knowledge.
but he really loves to get technical about it and i love that he is different
than me in that way.
because i love that it makes him so happy when he figures it out.
*sigh*
he likes to know his optimal heart rate and all that sort of thing.
i just like to go outside and walk and look at things and find little stuff
on the ground and take pictures of it or whatever.
i like to take my time and notice tiny things and he likes the feel of speed
on his bike with his daggets that show him how fast he is going, how long
he has ridden, what was the average speed he rode and what his heart was at
at every juncture.
i can see the joy in that, it does sound like a challenge, and i like that.
but i'm more of a "let me see how many things i can find that are the
colour blue today that i can photograph and make into a collage" or "let
me go see how many insects are out today and see if i can find any dead birds
and i wonder if the frogs in the pond are chirping yet"
or "i wonder how many time i can find the number 3 on things with a 3
mile radius"
and i find that when i do what makes me happiest that is when i am the most
healthy, automatically, by default.
we are/were a strange pair. so often complimentary to each other..and so often...just
not.
i wonder if i will ever find anyone that matches with me.
6:05pm
i think he took back his key.
i still had a key to his apt. because he wanted me to still have it.
but i looked just now where i thought i put it and it isn't there.
so he might have just taken it back.
puts a lump in my throat in a way that hasn't yet.
it's so final, that.
i was doing pretty ok today up until this moment.
fuck.
5:04pm
i gave sebastian a half assed hair
cut. he fights me the whole way through so it's such an ordeal.
now i'm going to take a bath and i'm doing laundry. and when that load is
done i will put in my sheets.
if i just keep going the dogs and i will all be clean and so will the bed
again.
everyone needs a springtime bath.
my soul needs a springtime bath.
jason and i have not spoken all day.
if we don't speak at all today it will be the 1st day that we have never spoken
to each other. it feels so weird and wrong.
i'm trying to fill the emptiness by cleaning and just trying to maintain everything.
trying to stay focused on the daily needs of the the dogs and i and the apartment
because if i let that slip, then i know i will be in deep trouble.
one of the things keeping me together right now is the fact that i have managed
to keep my house somewhat clean and i am still getting rid of things and making
more space.
i wonder when i will be done with this process.
i'm so glad i have my dogs.
i've never had a pets before during any break up i've ever had.
and they certainly do help a LOT.
so i'm not really ALONE alone.
the house is constantly being filled by their ever expanding unstoppable cheer.
i don't know if i could survive this without them.
well, ya, i guess i could, but it would be a million times worse.
i decided to listen to juana molina.
she is who i have been listening to lately.
jason showed me her. *sigh*
fuck.
he showed me a lot of cool music and took me to so many great shows.
oh fuck this i'm off to take a bath.
2:55pm
i announced publically that jason
and i broke up.
it's been a week, so i figured i may as well just say it.
i hate to say it. i hate to type these words because i don't want them to
be true.
i don't know what to do with myself
today.
and i don't know what music to listen to because i don't want any song i like
to become "that song"
the song that will always brings back memories of NOW.
maybe i should just go back to listening
to music from my breakup with cris in the 90's...since listening to it will
only remind me of when i was breaking up with him, so it's already been tainted
by sadness.
i guess that would be like the sunday's 1st record and peter murphy's deep.
oh ya and the cure. lots and lots of the cure.
god, i don't know.
no matter what i do it will be depressing.
there is just no way around it.
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11:54pm
song in head: don't let the sun go
down on me by elton john.
i always wake up with a song stuck in my head, i don't know why.
i figured i'd start writing it down just because i find it intertesting.
i'm surprised i can find no one talking on the internet (so far) about dick
cheney's daughter being on letterman last night.
here is a cool spam poetry i got today:
dovetail halving
many-fountained custom builder flame
nettle
Caribou-eater virgin moth hunger march
gauge saw last-mentioned Bobby joe
Pidgin english evening school shining light
Candlemas day sassafras medulla telegraph bracket
deck board hot-blooded ill-temperedness
stagger grass meadow queen large-petaled
pre-extinguishment torpedo battery charcoal drawing
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