| may
19th, 2006 |
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6:49pm
as i research this, i see i am not the only one to notice the weird shape
of the A.
also it said, at 1st, United States of Amerinca (i can't make the cryllic
letter the A is)
http://www.artlebedev.com/mandership/113/
ok, i've found out it is a russian letter)
i'm trying to trace it's history now....
it is also an alchemy symbol for quicklime according to here:
http://www.symbols.com/encyclopedia/11/118.html
about quickline in alchemy:
http://www.alchemylab.com/AJ2-1.htm
" It seems to start from a still more radical "descent into hell," doubtless from an immediate becoming conscious of the formidable energy which is asleep in stones and bony systems; as in Tantrism immediately before the awakening of Kundalini, this consciousness takes on the appearance of a torrid heat linked to the affirmation "I AM" which is no longer individuated. This heat, that of "quicklime," devours the psycho-vital objectivation of Mercury to allow only the certitude of gold to subsist."
6:29pm
to think on other things, for a moment,
i noticed last night the on the declaration of indepence the captital A in
America, was an unusual shape.
http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/DECLARATION/us_declarationE.jpg
http://www.au.af.mil/au/awc/awcgate/readings/declaration_image.jpg
i know in cursive writing back then,
letters take on all sorts of interesting shapes.
but that A really struck me as it seems extremely far removed from being an
A, but rather more like
an H. the 1st thing that popped into my mind was "hathor"
(or hercules, hekate, hermes, hel, etc)
also it is rather like the symbol for pisces.
it's just...odd, that they chose to represent the letter A in that shape.
5:48pm
it's so nice outside.
i'm not going to make it out there. whatever. i let it go.
jason came over and gave me a coke. he is having a hard time letting go and
so he keeps messaging me and offering to buy me a coke or something. he is
only 2 doors down from me. of course i like that he wants to be nice to me
and be my friend but i also question if this is just prolonging my pain.
he comes over and gives a coke.
i drink the coke because at least it is some calories in my system. better
than nothing.
the dogs were so happy to see him, it breaks my heart.
we are/were a family. thinking about jason not being with my dogs is so sad.
they love him so much. he taught them all how to "shake" for a treat.
he's been with deiter and sebastian for as long as i have.
they are our children.
pooka twirls and twirls and deiter jumps and twirls and sebastian runs for
his squeaky jack toy and squeaks it and squeaks it.
and this is the time i would always say "sound the horn sound the horn!
for jason's home!"
and sebastian would sound the horn and everyone would be so happy.
all the boys on the bed.
seeing him on the bed with the dogs and how happy they were, i caved in and
put my head on his chest and breathed in his scent i so love.
a sweet scent.
of home that is no longer home.
he went to go eat at our fave japanese place alone.
he said he will msg me when he gets back to see if i would watch a movie with
him.
of course, now that i have put my head on his chest and smelled him today
and heard and felt his heart beating i am intoxicated with the irrationality
of love.
so maybe i will watch a movie with him even tho it's probably not a good decision.
but fucking a, what IS a good decision?
i suppose when he moves out this sort of thing will not happen anymore.
we will have the physical separation to keep us apart.
god i fucking HATE this.
in the back of his mind i think he still thinks we are going to get together
again someday.
like i am going to work on my stuff and he is going to work on his and then
we can meet as healed and complete individuals and finally have the healthy
relationship we always wanted.
in the back of my head i know this is not going to happen.
we are not going to get back together.
there are fundamental differences between us that i just don't see as being
able to mesh, even if we are both happy healthy complete individuals.
but i do agree with him that we are both on the road to a happier and healthier
place.
but i don't see us getting back together, although, the universe is open to
all possibilities.
i really don't see that happening.
and so i think i am going through a lot more grief than he is right now.
3:58pm
i received a nice card from my mom.
i wish i could say it gave me a snuggly happy hopeful feeling but it mostly
just made me feel nervous and numb.
i hope it was not a mistake to call her.
i don't want some big relationship with her.
and i'm not going to try and work anything out from the past with her.
i'd just like to see her on holidays or have coffee or things like that.
i just can't bear the thought of her dying and me never seeing her alive ever
again.
jason and i have given each other everything back taht we had of each other's
except the keys to our aprtments.
it's hard to let go of everything at once.
he invited me over to watch a movie with him tonight, but how can i do that?
my heart is shattering into coutles pieces. i can't sit next to him and not
break down and cry.
i want to bury myself in his chest and smell his sweet scent and know i am
home.
but it won't be home. he is not my home anymore.
what a horrible thought.
i told him no i can't deal with watching a movie with him, as much as i want
to.
i still have 2 shows we are going to see each other , too.
thomas dolby on sunday and imogen heap on monday.
i bought the dolby tickets and he bought the imogen ones.
so because i am still letting him use the dolby one he is letting me use his
imogen one.
i guess i better go out and buy my own juana milina one.
it sucks because we both like going to the same concerts.
so unless he moves to another city, i am just going to keep seeing him.
not to mention he lives only 2 doors down from me.
i think he is going to move out tho.
god this sucks.
i really wanted this to be a good
year.
meaning a year with no pain.
no such luck.
but at least i am cleaning out all the things in my life that are holding
me back.
i am making progress.
and in july i go to vanouver to learn how to do extensions.
it's funny because jason is going to meet her 1st.
he made an apppointment to go get dreads in june.
he'll only be there 1 day, tho.
i really wanted to be the one to do his hair.
oh well.
3:40pm
a happy thing:
ingrid chavez wrote to me and wants to get together with me when she is in
town
(she doesn't know when yet).
also i had a dream i had some birch
twigs.
i wanted to do some sort of ritual with them.
i'm looking up the meaning of birch trees now and i see it is about birth
and renewal.
"The very word 'birch' derives from a root meaning 'bright' or 'shining' in nearly all languages with Indo-European origins."
"The birch shares with the Ash the distinction of being used as a representative of the Cosmic World-Tree - the Axis Mundi. This tree links the Underworld with Middle Earth and Heaven Above. The shaman climbing the Birch uses it as a sky-ladder to symbolise his ability to visit other worlds."
in my dream i thought of putting
the branches inot the ground and sitting in the center.
then i decided maybe i should make a sort of teepee cone shape with them.
it also reminds me of this tarot
card:
http://www.learntarot.com/w9.htm
defending yourself
assuming ill will
expecting the worst
taking extra precautions
being paranoid
feeling wary and guarded
protecting others
remembering past attacks
persevering
persisting despite all setbacks
refusing to take "no" for an answer
seeing something through to the end
getting knocked down, then standing up
keeping your resolve
trying repeatedly
showing stamina
continuing despite fatigue
holding fast
drawing on hidden reserves
holding together through force of will
demonstrating physical strength
keeping up the pace
+++
i also remember another dream in
which all these white animals were together.
a white polar bear, a white panda, a white ferret, 3 white cats, some white
rats and mice.
there were all in a pile on top of each other and i thought they would all
get along , maybe because they were all white and looked so nice. i think
they were even all on a white hill with white snow.
but the big ones started killing the little ones.
the rats ate the mice, the ferrets ate the rats, the pandas ate the cats,
etc.
it was a bloody mess.
2:25pm
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song on head: the vanishing girl,
by the dukes of stratosphere.
dreams, saving myself from a swamp, carrying a bleeding and dismembered doll
through a mall trying to find a hosppital but no one would help me, they would
only laugh.
none of the elevators worked. everything was nonsensical.
there was a flight of stairs i was running down hoping to get to an exit.
but they just kept going down and down and down and getting watery and wateryer
(is thata word?)
somone told me that the stairs led to "the bridge"
but i bridge between what they would not say.
but i didn't like the looks of it so i started going back up.
i got a lot of sleep. i needed it.
each day i wake up and think it's a normal day and then go "oh ya...it's
not"
and the pit in my stomache and in my heart turns to lead.
i feel like i am coated in some sort of heavy magnetic cloak of darkness even
tho it's a beautifu; day out.
i'll try and get outside today, anyway, in hopes it will help me heal.
i still haven't had a "big cry" just lots of little ones.
i just feel really numb and blocked and heavy.
i want to run back to jason and tell
him all the things he wants to hear so that we can get back together and i
can pretend everything is ok again. i hate to be in this much pain, but i
know there is no other way but to just feel it.
he is my best friend. i love him so much. he is the most fun person to hang
out with. he makes me laugh.
i love his mind. i think he's beautiful.
but we arrived at the point (long ago) where we were not advancing each other
anymore.
he did not bring out the best in me and i did not bring out the best in him.
we were holding each other back.
*I* was holding myself back by continuing to be with him.
and we both suffered for it.
he was holding himself back and i suffered for it.
i just could not go on like that anymore.
over 8 years is enough. we kept running into the same roadblocks,
and each time we would work on them and have renewed faith, but we are just
such different people in a few very fundamental areas.
i really love him for his differences, and i want him to grow and flourish.
i am just not the right person to grow with him in that way. we both want
to achieve, basically, the same things, i think. but the way we want to go
about to achieve them are very very different.
we taught each other many things and shared very many things. i am grateful
i was able to know him this far.
i hope we can be friends without pain, at some point.
because that is basically what we are. we were never lovers, but best of friends,
but more than that.
he is like a brother to me, but more than that.
this really sucks and sounds all so civil and flat.
i'll never be able to explain it. it is what it is and was what it was and
will be what it will be.
i'm just really glad i am having the guts right now to just stand my ground
and not adapt in the way he wants me to and in the way i always have and in
the way i could, but if i did i would be continuing to not be FULLY me.
and i cannot continue living a life where i am only 1/2 me.
my biggest flaw in my relationships with men is that i always adapt to them.
i do this every single time. every time i tell myself this time i will not
do that in the next one and i remain vigilant to not do it. but goddamit,
it always sneaks in the backdoor somehow or starts happening to me, i mean
i do it to myself, that i do not even know how i ended up doing it again because
it's such a slow process of dying.
my venus is in pisces, which means that in love i have a tendency to lose
myself.
1st was ed, and i adapted to the
music he liked, the clothes he liked, whatever it was he was, i tried to be.
he wanted me that way, or so he thought, when i became a copy of him he got
bored and threw me away, leaving me utterly devastated and not even knowing
who i was.
then was the large sifting process to find the authentic pieces of me and
discard that which was not.
and he showed me a lot of great music that i still love and listening to so
yay for that. and i became a stronger person at the end because i knew myself
more at a deeper and stronger level.
then there was cris,i finally had some sex, but with it i also got the violence.
i lost my physical space, my physical body. i tried to adapt, i tried to "save"
him and make him stop.
i couldn't and had to finally let go and get a restraining order on him. what
i gained is that my body is mine and i will not let anyone dictate my sexuality
and i will be as "shiny" of a person as i want to be... as he was
intensely jealous of my fire and would try to put it out.
why is it that the thing that draws men to me in the 1st place is the 1st
thing they try kill off or own in some way the minute they "have"
me?
then there was robert. he showed me the internet.
and he showed me that dogs can be a good thing.
so because of robert i have my dogs and i have the internet.
but sex with him was all about kink and no love or affection.
but i learned to "own" my own vulnerability to pain and make it
MY pleasure..after the physical abuse from cris, i worked out the violence
in a sexual way with robert to reclaim it back.
after i did that and i realized robert was not ever going to get very spiritual
or affectionate, i left.
then there were a few others here and there too boring to even write about. some extremely scary that i still have nightmares about and some just...whatever.
then there was jason.
i won't go into it out of respect for him, but i lost myself there, too.
i might have even lost myself in the most crucial way so far, because the
entire thing is so...like a water drop slowly changing a stone. and now i
have a huge hole in me where that water dropped.
because it was ME who would not shift or move. i remained in the same place
and the water just dripped and dripped.
i waited and waited for him to changhe. but you can never change another person,
you can only change yourself.
so fundamental and easy a thing to believe, such a hard thing to KNOW, recognize
and DO.
what sucks is that we are both just inches away from "clicking"
into place. and that is what kept us together because we were always "almost
there". so frustrating.
but how long do you wait for something like that?
1 year? 5 years? 8 years?
for everyone it is different but i seem to have passed the point where i could
take it no longer. the waiting.
and the same for him with me.
this is all so hard because we are both just one click away.
the problem is i want to click in one direction and him in the other.
i have clicked into his direction as far as i am willing to click now.
i have turned 40 and now it is the time to be me, entirely.
relationships are about compromising, for sure.
but they should never be about killing off fundamental aspects of yourself.
so now i am a bit "out of my head" because i have made myself into
the shape of a toaster when i actually am a lamp.
something like that.
it's painful and confusing to try and regain what shape i really am. because
i am not who i was 8 years ago.
and all this "emotional and spiritual mutilation" i have done to
myself in the name of love, i don't know if any of it can be undone. i gave
my entire 30's to him.
i'm not going to give him my 40's too.
i feel quite broken and lost.. at the same time i do feel the litttle inner
"me' in there trying to keep this soul ailve and heart beating.
by the grace of the universe or by my sheer willpower,
i am remaining alive.
but by a fragile thread. but i can do a lot with thread.
so give me some time.
+++
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