may 16th, 2006
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9:37pm

talked to my mom more.
it was good, i think.
i'm scared.
but i think it could work.

7:36pm

thank you everyone for your thoughtful comforting words.
sorry i'm being so quiet.
i just...don't have much to say right now.
know what i mean?
i'll write more later.
right now i just can't talk about it.
but i did clean my house and that felt good to do something constructive with my sorrow.
i cry on and off but haven't really had "the big cry"
i don't know why.
maybe i am just in shock?

i don't know.

4:53pm

to keep myself busy from my crushing depression.
i am cleaning and getting rid fo more things.
i got rid of both my garbage cans because i never used them, they weren't the right kimd for me.
i got rid of a pair of shoes to the poor.
i threw some unfixable shoes down the trash.
and i decided to keep 4 that i could part with yet.
i got rid of my shoe rack on my bathroom door because that always bugged me and was ugly.
i through away all the condoms and all that sort of thing because it depressed me to see it there.
i got rid fo beauty products i'm never going to use.
i threw away a robe an old boyfriend gave me.

i called my mom last night.
i just broke down.
i miss her. i just fucking miss her.
i don't want to talk about it any more than that right now.

i feel so confused and fuct but keeping on keeping on.
making myself a bath.
i haven't eaten anything.
i'm not hungry.

today jason and i were supposed to go to cirque du soleil.
i wish i could empty my head of everything.

+++

horoscopes from:

http://syndicated.livejournal.com/is_aries/
http://www.astro.com/
http://www.tarot.com/astrology/
http://itsalllove.com/starry_eyed/starry_eyed.html

Your Horoscope for May 16 , 2006

The positive influence from Mercury, which has been boosting your finances for the past few days, will disappear today, so you?ll need to be more cautious in terms of cash and spending. Beware Neptune, because it?s likely to imbue you with a little too much optimism, making a sensible approach a little tricky.

and

Caution
When communicating or cooperating with others we often encounter certain unspoken differences, reservations or sensitivities. These do not seriously hinder the process but interfere insofar that one must be circuitous and considerate - a circumstance that one accepts but in fact cannot really understand. This applies to dealings with others and, it must be supposed, when others deal with us. This influence offers the possibility of either raising such issues in conversation with others or being made aware of them in oneself. It is especially important that this be dealt with in a delicate and sensitive manner by both parties. Without real empathy and readiness to understand, it will be impossible to gain much from this quality of time.

and

Tuesday
Moon in Capricorn

Now that list is getting a bit harsh. The bottom line looms. It doesn't matter if you're struggling to make rent in a shared house or juggling paying the mooring for the yacht and the summer house, the anxiety is the same. Usually it's not getting the money that sooths the worry beast of the mind but just the knowledge that the money is coming. The gig you just booked or contract landed eases the tension even before the money arrives. So knowing that why not tell the mind to shut up, the flow is going to come and worry more about the mechanics of your engine rather then the gas you run through it.

and

You are quite the intuitive manager now, for you seem to know just what to do at every significant point throughout the day. The problem is that today's efficiency is not duplicable. You aren't following a specific plan; you're just flying by the seat of your pants. Instead of trying to figure it out, get as much done as possible while you are in the flow.