may 11th, 2006
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6:06pm

i feel depressed.
maybe it's the cold rainy weather and my PMS.

but i think part of it is due to me , ironically, from organizing my house and getting rid of things.
as i rearrange my house, i rearrange my energy and therefore i rearrange myself.
and so it takes me some getting adjusted to.
like growing pains.
i have a box of shoes that i never wear, or need to be fixed and i am just in a well of depression at the thought of removing this box from my house.
i know that sounds weird, but shoes are very important to me.
they represent everywhere i've been. i can see a pair of shoes and each one is like a diary to me.
more than any other article of clothing, my shoes are very wrapped up into my identity and what i have been through.
i have to fucking let it go.
my shoes are not me.
and those memories will always be mine whether or not i have these shoes in my house.
does this sound weird to you?
shoes are so symbolic to me. they are what connects me to the earth.
i remember all that happened to me inn the shoes.
all the shows i played, people i met, photo shoots i had, roads i walked down, journeys...
god, i really had no idea how much power these shoes had for me until i put them all in one box in hopes to remove the box from my house.
and then i fell into a huge depression and just wanted to crawl back into bed and not talk.
i don't feel like being around anyone.
i'm being hyper aware of who i am and what i want to become.
i don't want other energies mixing in it.
it's like i am coming out of a new cocoon and it is a very delicate stage.
i'm trying to process this.
it's scary for me as well as exciting but right now i am just feeling the fear part of it.

also now that i am getting my instruments to make my music, i have less and less of an excuse not to make it.
it means i have to step up to the plate and do something. i have to walk the walk and not just talk the talk and dream.
baby steps, tho.
remember to breathe.

2:58pm

i got my loopstation :)
it takes batteries, which they provided but the ac adapapter is sold separately.
how annoying.
i've fuct up my key board trying to clean under the keys.
now my keys are all wonky.
a gave a box of stuff to the poor.
maybe i can get to the p.o. and send of another box.
i have a cart now so i will not hurt my neck.
i am in major getting rid of things mode.
it's cold and grey.
tonight is jason's last day of teaching school.
yay!
no more of that. more nights free.
less stress.
i got rif of some shoes.
i am pondering getting rid of a ton more.

2:38am

still cleaning and organized.
a happy sort of restless energy,

i want the silver one.
but it's a leftie.
aaaaaa.
amost there..so close...
new music will be all here to hear my demos (only ana2).
i think i can hook up my old 4 tracks to my computer, and show you all my old demos.
but the NEW ones are what will be interesting ( i hope:)
ana2 only.

i'm trying so hard to let go of things to let new things in my life.

i tried AGAIN to buy the "plus" package for windows movie maker.
same error "connunication error...try agin"

arrrgh.

 

all in all a very good a productive day anyway.
you and those with patience will reap the rewards :)

 

+++

horoscopes from:

http://syndicated.livejournal.com/is_aries/
http://www.astro.com/
http://www.tarot.com/astrology/
http://itsalllove.com/starry_eyed/starry_eyed.html

Your Horoscope for May 11 , 2006

With a positive aspect between your ruling planet and Mercury, currently in your second house, not only does money look favorable again, but a money making scheme or two could be within reach. Mercury will increase your ability to think and act quickly, so take advantage of it.

and

Full steam ahead
At this time you may have to strive very hard to get anywhere but if so, your goals when you do reach them will be more permanent and far reaching. If you are unclear about what you are doing in some area, this is a good time to look inside yourself to find out what you really want to do. You should not and probably cannot move until you are clear about your objectives. In examining yourself, you may discover hitherto unknown psychological forces that you can use to gain your ends. A considerable change in self- understanding may be one consequence of this influence. If you are at all clear about your purpose, this influence should assure you of success in any undertaking that you become involved in now. Proceed full steam ahead and do not worry. Just avoid stepping upon other people's toes unnecessarily, because that can have dangerous consequences later on.

and

Self-defense *
Valid during several weeks: Past behavior patterns that have become completely unconscious now become active and come into play without your knowing it. Your efforts at self-assertion are undermined by these behavior patterns that you are not even aware of. And unfortunately the people who are alienated by these actions probably will not come out and say so, but will work behind the scenes to block your efforts. The only way you can counter this effect is to become completely conscious of yourself and these little self-defeating acts. If you feel emotionally upset as you often will during this time, refrain from any kind of significant confrontation with others. Instead, confront yourself. It is best at this time to work alone as much as possible.


Transit selected for today (by user):
Mars in the 12th House 12
activity period from end of April 2006 until middle of June 2006.

and

Thursday
Moon into Scorpio 5:25am PDT
Mercury opposition Jupiter TAURUS-SCORPIO

Now the full moon is on us. With the nature of momentum it's the time building up that affects us as much as the moment. Like a swelling zit, sneeze, volcano or orgasm; the build up and moment are exponentially more powerful then the instant after release. Tuning to this gathering energy helps us surf it. Acting against it is just setting your thumb under the hammer blow.

Mercury is in opposition to Jupiter today, blending the energies of these two beneficial planets and the signs of Taurus and Scorpio. Your environment may be communicating to you some of the factors that are hindering your expansion. They are often basic, things like attitude. At any point you use the excuse, "that's just the way I am!" You should stop and ask, "but is that the way I want to be?"

It's in our control to evolve at will, the moments we feel helplessly blocked are the exact moments that we can envision another way to deal with that wall before us. Digging and flying are always better options then banging our head against it repeatedly. Jupiter in Scorpio some feel hampers the energy, I think it's a place where the depths of expansive Jupiter can sink down into the core of the subconscious and real expansion can take place.

and

Your concerns become more practical today, although it may not appear that way to others. You may have to attend to mechanical problems, but chances are it will be an easy fix. Additionally, with an emphasis on your 2nd House of Money, pay close attention to any sudden impulses to buy something you may not really need.