today's anagram

may 8th, 2006
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10:51pm

i didn't go to jason's milo fine show.
and we are still working things out.
odds against evens for.
now it's thundering and lightning and the rain is pelting my window.
and it almost is too exact a setting for some sort of dramatic break up. plus i am pmsing to the max and at the edge of my period.
i've never been able to talk to a person so RATIONALLY as to why we are not getting along and why we do get along.
it's a strange phenomena i am glad for.
because all my other breaks ups were like "fuck you! we'll fuck you too!", in a nutshell, which nothing ever is.
i don't know what the hell is going on.
neither does he.
we both just know that we love each other fiercely and neither one of us is able or willing to let go.
this is maybe our downfall or our strength.
i don't know which.
maybe both.

so this is like this very logical rational, but not without intense feeling and love discussion over what should be done to enhance both our lives in all areas.
we both intensely love each other and i have not experienced anything like this.
that's really all i want to say about it right now.
i doubt i will ever say much because it is such an intensely private thing between the 2 of us. it's a pact.
and that's the way it will always remain.

i don't know.
things are intense for me right now.
everything is on the verge of something new.
i'm intensely frightened, curious , and excited and depressed.
i don't ever want to go through anything like this again.

---

it's been interesting going through my lyrics and writing them down. it's like courtney love said "i'm not psychic but my lyric are".
what i've written means so much more to me now than when i wrote it.
it's like my future self writes communicates to me through my art and i then get it a decade later why i created what i did at 500 new levels.
i've noticed how much i mumble through a lot of my songs, and i never thought i was that bad of an enunciator (so?) but ya, i am.
and i wonder if maybe that is the reason my songs never 'took off", because everyone was like "wtf is she saying?"
but then again i guess a lyrics such as "backwards to get a head, you'll understand it when you're dead" is not going to have heavy market appeal.
but i'm sure that in some other dimension the undead are having a laugh riot over that and it's the #1 hit of the century.
timelords everywhere have it on there interdimentional ipods.

but then "inna godda davita" (again?) is a *smash*
apparently named because the guy was trying to say 'in the garden of eden, and it turned into inna godda davita"

no i don't think it's my enunciation.
it's that i was not ready for that level of energy whacked at me.
only the incredibly stupid or the incredibly agile can manage that.
and for the incredibly agile, it seems the age of 27 was the marker for that. and then...death.

27 was a VERY difficult age. saturn return is a bitch.
i nearly offed myself to be sure.
but that is just so "old skool" isn't it.
nope, sorry, i think i have to hang around until it's incredibly awkward for EVERYONE, myself included.

i try to think of how i will die but i can never imagine it.
but there have been a few times i have, but let's not go there.
today had been heavy enough.

everyone seems to always wish to "go when they are asleep"
that seems to be , at least, the western view of things.
"well, at LEAST she went in her SLEEP!"

well not me!
the last thing i want to be doing is SLEEPING when i die!
i want to be FULLY AWARE of the process!
why would i want to be asleep during such an importent event?
not only that but god, with the dreams i have...i don';t want to die during one of THOSE!
i already die a thousand times in all my dreams!
gah.
let me die when i am AWAKE.

my perfect death (and i have thought about this a lot...mostly it involved a lot of explosions)
is now i want to just will myself to die.
like a really nice day.
a beautiful peaceful day i will be looking up at the clouds.
in a place where my body can just deteriorate into the earth with no one disturbing it EVER.
and i will just float away.

but i can't imagine ever wanting to leave earth.
i love the earth so much.
it's the people i can't stand.
so when everyone is going on about how they cannot wait to go,
i'm like..then GO!
i can't wait for you to go either!
just GEEZ!
leave me to work in peace on my beautiful planet earth.

if you don't care for it and it's not your style than by all mean's GO!
we're all fucking waiting for your exit just as much as you are!
get on with it already!

i love my little planet earth.
it is my beautiful orb.
i could lick it all day long like the pooka does to the obsidian orb.
i love my planet.
earrrrrrrrrrth.
i even love the worrrrrrrrrrrd.
we are one.

except for the mosquitoes and woodticks!
die mother fuckers die!
but everything else...mmmmm. earrrrrrrtttttthhhhh.

9:15pm

breathe you out

i shed all my layers of you
i breathe you out and start anew
i breathe you out.
OUT

i've got a gun
i shoot at the sun
give me a mile
give me a trial
lay down the card
let down your guard
all that i feel
is so unreal

openings are into view
i breathe you out and start anew
i breathe you out.
OUT

i've got a plane
jump at the train
all that i need
is all i bleed
i run for the door
i fall to the floor
i see the shore
what's it all for?

i unwind the serpentine
i unwind

i shed all my layers of you
i breathe you out and start anew
i breathe you out.
OUT

all i can say
show me the day
all that i pray
to drive you away
tear up the sky
dance til i die
turn round the bend
let it all end

(sorry about the door, floor, shore, for rhyme there :)
put hey, i evolve.

when i hear this song the things that come to mind (besides my heinous x-thing which this was about)
is paul schaffer doing his paul schafer head to one side bopping move and saying "i dig it"
which is such a long story in and of itself i need to write it all down.
ok, i'll try to write some of it down.
so i was mixing this at sony studio's with bobby z , david kahne and michael brauer for like $3,000 bucks an hour
(actually i am NOT exaggerating about that sum of money)
and david kahne, after many months, finally heard that the 2nd verse is the same as the 1st.
maybe he almost even had a year to figure that out.
and here we are at the mixing stage and we would play david kahne the final mixes over the phone or something ridiculous, as david kahne would be driving around in his black limo thing, like some weird david lynch movie.
and david was, after all this effort, finally realizing that the 2nd was the same as the 1st.
so he INSISTED that right THEN and THERE i rewrite a second verse and go record it for the song.
it was insane.
i was like you have to be SHITTING me.
so right then and there, and within about an hour, we all completed this "mission"
which was i came up with "openings are into view"
which you think would be EASY. hey it's just 4 words, but fuck no, i cannot even tell you the mental torture i endured over that.
while bobby and michael tried to figure out WHAT microphone that song into , at the time.
so they could match the sound exactly and it would not feel like i was 'punched in" last minute there.
an art in and of itself.
bobby on the phone. with all the engineers we worked with narrows down the list of microphones.
i am sitting and writing on paper what to sing, what would make sense, how to get myself into that "mode" to sing it.
so i do, the microphone is found, michael JACKSON has just left the building (for real), and so within the hour he leaves i am whisked into where HE had just been singing.
i smelled the air to see if i could smell him (i'm weird like that)
i could not discern any particular scrent besides just what the room smelled like sans michael jackson.
with all my effort in my entire being, i sing EXACTLY to match the song the new lyrics i just wrote.
bingo. it works. a miracle.
the next day we are still mixing it. but bobby and i go to the david letterman show (for a mixing break) and sit in the green room because bobby knows paul.
i had never been in a green room before. so i had no idea why they called it the green room.
i still don't really.
fresh fruit was on a table which looked perfect and no one ate.
i found myself sitting right next to fabio, of all the people in the world to sit next to.
my brain was flipping out and trying to understand it all, especially because i had taken some sort of xenadrine type thing to stay awake that day and eaten nothing. i was back in the control room watching all the people running the entire machine. blink blink blink.
i watched the david letterman show live that day...from a tv in the green room.
the other person on that day was chris isaak.
he is fucking startling in person because, #1 he is really really tall, #2 his eyes are intensely shockingly blue, and #3 he was wearing some sort of cowboy gear to match his eyes like some sort of rhinestone cowboy.
even tho i was speedy, when he walked into the room, it was like everything going into slow motion, like fabio in a "i can't believe it's not butter comercial".
sensing danger, because i am full of surprises, bobby z puts his hand on me knee in a fatherly way like i am his daughter ready to have an implosion.
i want chris isaak to sign my purse and i want to hand him a note written on miniature (and i mean MINIATURE) hello kitty stationary.
with the tiny pencil that came with, i write something to him i cannot remember now.
it probably was about 5 words or less because who can write that small?
chris, takes the miniature hello kitty envelope from my hand (fatherly hand on knee or not, nothing can really stop me once i have my mind set) and out the 1" by 2" envelope into his laser blue suit.
i ask him if he wouyld sign my purse ( a leather german map bag)
he says gratiously, and towering above me, "well, i'm glad SOMEONE asked me for my autograph!"
i was so happy.
i knew i had done the right thing.
then, after the show was over, i got to go onto the letterman stage, the stage where the beatles made their 1st appearance on american TV.
it was freezing colsd in there.
everything was so much smaller than it looked like on tv.
i stood in the middle and tried to imagine all the people who had crossed this stage but i could not fathom it.
i went to sit in david letterman's chair.
his desk looked cheap, like plywood.
his swivel chair was riddled with cigar burns.
it was wild.
before i culd take in anything i was whisked away by bobby who said paul schaffer was coming back to the studio to hear some od my music.
my hands were shaking. nothing seemed real.
i walked out a side entrance with bobby and paul and immediately flash bulbs went off all over the place.
there was a throng of people and i heard somone say in a thick bronx accent "who is that CYNDI LAUPER?"
i had to laugh.
before i knew it i was in a limo squished in between paul and bobby and paul going "groovy man"
i wished i had eaten something that day so i seemed like less of a spaz.
we arrived back at sony studios.
paul schaffer did his head bopping thing to my songs.
i asked pauil schaffer to tell me his most favourite story ever.
if anyone has stories it would be him.
i was revved up to hear the most amazing story of my life.
he was befuddled and could not think of any.
all that would come to his mind is, he wanted to show me what it was like to meet michael jackson.
so he said "you pretend you are michael and i will be me"
but being completely spazzed out i had NO idea what he was trying to convey.
i was like i am YOU, or YOU are ME?
and i must have seemed like a total space case, which i was.
finally we got the "play down"
he (as michael jackson) shook me hand (as me being paul schaffer) and he shook my hand as limply as possible.
that was it.
that was the story.
michael jackson has a limp handshake.
i was hoping for something better, but hey, i'll take what i can get.
then paul left and i think i ordered a tongue sandwhich from carbegie deli because i had no idea what to expect out of that.
of course what to expect other thana whole freaking cow tonue sliced into tiny laters and stuck on a bun.
i could not eat it.
anyway, that is my story for this song, besides this other one i have.
but i'll save that one for later because my hands are tired now.

8:13pm

ok this is getting hard to get the lyrics to some songs.
i really mumble!

8:07pm

blasting xtc

(this is my tribute love song to the band XTC.
this is the colin version. i also have an andy version i didn't record yet)

i will never ever leave
windy grasses which they weave
tales of gardens i believe
drowning in their blackest sea
headphones blasting XTC

and a thousand umbrellas with ladybugs all in flames
hit a run away rocket that hissed as it hit the train
spilling mermaids and alchemists kissing inside my brain

i fly how far it flows
surround with sound that grows
into a tiger kite that blows away

closest as i'll ever be
to language spoken into me
wake me up with NRG
sgt. rock will set me free
headphones blasting XTC

and a thousand umbrellas with ladybugs all in flames
hit a run away rocket that hissed as it hit the train
spilling mermaids and alchemists kissing inside my brain

my senses never stop
when i hear "this is pop"
i dance to my stereo blasting XTC

bop bop an bu-dop
this is pop!

7:33pm

beautiful hysterical

i could fly open
anytime

beautiful hysterical, yes
i want it i want it i want it
now

i can see peonies screaming white
i feel the real deal like pin pricked night
i want it

i touch the tip of an angel's ecstasy as it
comes
down
here

here, here, here
i am

beautiful beautiful hysterical
i want it i want it i want it
now

i can taste the edges of your fingers

i can tension when i'm in that car with you
i want it

i can wish that i felt no shame when i think of your mouth
come
down
here

here, here, here
i am

tell me a story and please do not end 'til i fall asleep
your tongue skipping words like stones across lakes makes me
laugh
so
deep

let me, let me, let me
paint your fingernails someday in return
but you won't even let me touch your hand
it's so sad

oh, it's so sad.

beautiful
beautiful
beautiful
hysterical
yes

i could fly
open
anytime...

7:22pm

spoons for seven

i live all my dreams outloud
turn this silent firefly to sound

stars, stones, soup, silk, snakes
see to heaven
knives, forks, plates, cups, spoons
set for seven

i live all my dreams outloud
turn this silent firefly to sound

frogs, fruit, flies, fish, fans
free for heaven
knives, forks, plates, cups, spoons
set for seven

spoons set for seven
eight nine ten 11

i live all my dreams outloud
turn this silent firefly to sound
cats, ants, hats, wax, bats
laugh in heaven
knives, forks, plates, cups, spoons
set for eleven

ten, nine, 8, seven.

7:15pm

hollywood

hollywood
i'm moving
if i could i'd be a star for you
come for me
i'll be in the screening room for you, baby
kissing you like it's real

hollywood
i'm reeling
of i could i'd be a film for you
project on me
i'll be the girl on the other side, honey
reflect on me
i'll be the scene that blows up the sky, honey
burning up like it's real

i'm moving
in hollywood
i'll meet you on the other side

i'm movie-ing

7:09pm

terrified

ok then.

you are the darker star that makes me breathe faster
'til i feel i could fall into light alabaster
you are a circular i wish i could painter
over and over her beyond very later

i'm terrified.
la la la la.

i draw you on into the bath to the ceiling
then trace every circular with wild flying feeling
i call on the wind of the east to please carry

my message of loveliness from the heart of a faerie

i'm terrified.
very terrified.
very la la la la

1, 2, 3, 4,
i could go on and on about this
5, 6, 7
but it won't do any good at all
8, 9, 10,
it's a long story so i guess all i can do (blah blah blah)
11,
is just count
12
until it's over

or something...la la la la.

terrified
i'm terrified.
la la la la
la la la la
la la la la
la.

6:52pm

backwards

backwards to touch your nose
see your smile in alabaster rows
sew a scene in any season
choose a theme
then change your reason

redefine fine
you can
change your mind
to find it

backwards to find a space
cut your hair to change your place
break your windows to let in air
you can't hear 'cause you're not there

redefine time
read between the rhymne
to find it

backwards to get a head
you'll understand this when you're dead
listen to intuition
it's yours to build your wishin'

redefine
your mind
you can change time
to find it

6:45pm

telepathic you

ok...

you banana undustanda
comprehend my silly manna
copa copa co cabana
filly really glam japania

i , you
my eye
on you
truly true
doobie do
allah flora you
telepathic you

mya name est paradoxia
eloquente belle intoxia
hypnotize a way you blinker me
dolphin mantara keytastrophe

i you
my eye on you
silver hue
back to you
magicka knew
telepathic you

alphabeta tete surpriser
01010 compriser
tricky ballet day enhancer
don't you get it?
i'm a dancer

6:34pm

ah, unrequited love...gotta love it...or not.. :)

gone

they can bury all my words
poke my eyes with little birds
stick their finger up in there
and bring their friends for all i care

'cause i'm gone, gone, gone

la de da

brandishing complete control
i throw my head into a hole
drown my feelings in the seas
for my love is more than these

and i'm gone, gone, gone

innocently
obsessed maybe
absolutely
REAL.

fragile
balancing this
wish for a delicate kiss
temperance was never my forte

la de da

every night the stars in me
entwine the trees with songs for thee
get me drunk on shitty wine
for i've found my valentine

and i'm gone, gone gone...

6:14pm

angelsnakedance

the angels are kissing all the snakes
and all the different sounds they make
each sound it makes another colour
which halos round the serpent mother
they coil around their arms like bracelets
and all the snakes are smiling

the snakes are kissing all the angels
and in their wings they're getting tangled
tickling shiny tails of copper
not even god would want to stop her
laughing from their tiny tongues
the angels all are smiling

hey hey hello
the the tangled angelsnakedance
didn't you know that they are best of friends?
the angels taught the snakes to fly
and the serpents got the angels high
and you can seek the reason why
but wouldn't you rather dance?

now as the sun goes down on rivers
it's fire courts the water, kiss her
this angel whipsers lucky kisses
to you, the snake, that charmed her wishes
and you can throw them to the sky
but wouldn't you rather dance?

there is no good or evil
there is no right or wrong
there's you
and i

5:47pm

thingie wanted to know the lyrics to please god, so here they are:

please god
touch me or
send me an angel to fuck me
dress him in leather pants and
give him a sense of humour

please god
oh holy
i've been a good girl mostly
so could you send some
money money money i'm
out of ammunition

please god
trinity
could you shine your light upon me and
i'll take several pairs of those shoes in
red vinyl black and blue suede blue , ya

well, i ain't never done wrong to a man that
didn't deserve a hole in his brain now
i've been living on a thin thin dollar and
learning my lessons through hunger and pain so

send me an angel to fuck me
send me an angel to fuck me
send me an angel to fuck me
send me an angel

please god
kiss me
and would please turn up that jazz
it makes me feel so cool cool cool when ya
slide that ice up my dress, oh

please god
divine
could you lick down my spine as i
die in a slick white t bird
that explodes into beautiful flames

http://ana.livejournal.com/1760779.html

some people get really all upset about the idea of a human fucking an angel, which i find really hilarious since that is how the "virgin" mary got impregnated in the 1st place, according to many religions, etc. but i guess she wasn't supposed to find any pleasure in that? perhaps the angel who impregnated mary was a really bad fuck. i mean, the least the angel could have done before impregnating her (seemingly against her will) is at least give her a few good orgasms before leaving with the burden of having to give birth to the son of god in a freaking barn.) anyway, people need to get a sense of humour about god. because obviously god has one or we would not have things like giraffes and the duck billed platypus.

3:41pm

jason is playing with mio fine tonight.
we leave at 5:30pm
it's a bit rainy out.
i think i need some coffee.
i was going to clean the thing room but then i got stuck here.
i think i will go make coffee and try to power clean.
so much is in my head.
i need my body to move and things in my house to be more organized so that i do not get so stuck.
i am very deep in thought.
but i must remain in balance.

i am actually surprised that when i google about whether or not george bush is possessed by some sort of weird entity, i do not get much info on that.
i would have thought more people would see that he is obviously posessed by something.
maybe people are too afraid to talk about it.
i thought this "thing" would possess clinton, but then i was surprised when it didn't.
but i felt it there is washington Dc waiting.
george "double you" bush was perfect.
he is the perfect puppet because he is just isn't really much of a person.
and he is completely unaware or himself or something.
it just freaks me out.
i never really can shake the feeling that i am looking at "a hole" when i see him.
he is an empty vessel. soulless.
and i keep seeing this vision of this "thing" in him.
weirdly, the drawing by aaron donahue is the closest thing i have seen so far to anyone describing and saying what this thing is.which irks me because i think aaron donuhue is an egotistical fucktard. (for one thing among many of his stupid statements are things like he pretends to be all "pro women" when he is not.
telling "us women" that we need to fight and be prepared because pretty soon they will come up with a way to make a fake womb and so there will be no more need for women in. as if that is our only true function, our womb. like i having nothing equally or more important to give to this universe than making human babies? ridiculous. i'm not having any babeis, does that make my existence obsolete?)
but he does make some good points on some things, i must give him credit for that.

also interesting, this whole "ribbon" phenomenon has always bugged me but i could never really point out why.
and then a few months ago it dawned on me that it was a heart shape that was broken and crossed in on itself.
hard to explain.
it's also interesting to note that the ribbon is like the shape of a christian fish symbol thing.
there is something about that symbol which has always just not sat well with me.
even when i was a child and believed i was a christian.
this explanation that "jesus is a fisher of men"
always kind of weirded me out.
like being caught in a net. or being hooked.
i don't like the imagery of that.
and i don't like that fish sign or those ribbons.
it's like a broken circle and then crossed in on itself and pointed downwards.
it feels very depressing to me.
it feels out of balance.
like 1/2 an ingwaz.
like instead of "as above so below" it's just the "so below" part.
anyway.
i must go make coffee now and get my mind in the headpace of seeing people and talking to people.
and get my body in motion.

and bush with that "double you" thing he did.
fucking creepy as hell.