| april
27th, 2006 |
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9:14pm
a reply to a friend...with many typos:
ha :)
"How often do we observe ourselves in such a way that we can determine, specifically, what we like or don't like about ourselves on any given day? Let alone really THINK about it.
We check the mirror every morning, and assess the state of our looks. But do any of us go deeper than that, to examine the state of our souls? To determine if we are having, perhaps, a "bad spirit day"? Or to look into ourselves long enough to notice the Divine presence that we are, truly?"
god i DO that , and i'm not trying to be arrogant (more like i am a double aries with leo rising so i just can't HELP it....the aries "motto" is "i seek myself"), hour by hour, minute by minute!
no really, seriously! i'm not exaggerating although i am prone to exagerration (sp?) like 100 billion times a day :)
but ya, a triple times INFINITY dare you to do it every single hour of your existence!
actually, this is the PERFECT post to the end/beginning of my day.
because what i wrote today was what i wrote exactly one year ago, because
i document everything of me and so looked it up.
and your post here just solidified it.
like the domino effect.
click click click!
why IS it that people do not want to look at themselves more?
my personal theory,( and this is at the subconscious level), is that people
do not want to:
1. realize how ORDINARY they are (what is the point in existing then? well
the point is, maybe everyone in the world has painte a campbell's soup can,
but YOU haven't!) i know it's taken ME quite a while to grapple with "ordinary".
ANYTHING but "ordinary", ya?
we all want to stand out and be remembered.
but the brutal truth of the matter is that we will not.
and those who are remembered for "a long time" (i.e. jesus christ..if
he ever was even on this planet)...it wll be so distorted that no one will
REALLY ever know or remember who you are RIGHT NOW or ever.
and
2. we are not afraid that we are powerless, we are more afraid that we hold
extreme power (there is a quoet for this somewhere beter than this...and it
was just quoted on tv last night)
power means were are RESPONSIBLE
responsibility....
when we look in the mirror TRULY....
we see how much we are truly respinsible for our OWN happiness,
and THEREFORE the happuness of others.
sorry, being succint was never my thing and it's the new moon and so i am just on a stroll here :)
for my 40th birthday (a pup , i know, but not quite) last week i went to
noth dakota
then i learned this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wabi_sabi
such a good word.
life is so hard.
between that definition and this joural entry:
http://www.billnelsonmusic.com/html/villa/study.php
it's just all so hard.
no words.
but too many.
xox
i really should save these hilarious
newsgroup posts before they are gone.
here is one from 2002:
Topic in alt.fan.ana-voog
you call that art? Troy Mangum calls it crap
From: Troy Mangum - view profile
Date: Sat, Oct 12 2002 2:09 pm
Email: salviapsycho...@aol.comT.MANGUM (Troy Mangum)
Groups: alt.fan.ana-voog
Close up photos of vaginal blood are hardly art.
Ana Voog = Voyeurs on Parade
....
hahahaha :)
"god bless you" troy mangum
it's like some sort of 70's cop show name :)
LOVE it.
oh here's another classic:
Topic in alt.fan.ana-voog
???? AM I A CROOK ????
From: tariq.1.ra...@spamgourmet.com - view profile
Date: Tues, May 24 2005 1:02 am
Email: tariq.1.ra...@spamgourmet.com
Groups: alt.fan.ana-voog, alt.politics.democrats
nobody cares what you are. just get out of our faces.
---
wtf?
i don't think i saw that one until now.
it's really funny to me to read these years later.
what was i doing on may 24th 2005?
the great thing about being a documentarian in the way i am is that i can actually look this up!
http://www.ana2.com/private/anagram2005/anagram052405/anagram052405.html
interesting!
wwo, it is all connected.
on that day i wrote:
"it's like surfing
in a way, too.
riding that wave and not being sucked under."
TODAY i posted:
"The difference between being
overwhelmed and perfectly surfing the crest in energy is just a slight change
in the angle of your board in the wave."
coincidence?
serendipity?
i'm on the rube golberg machine with or without my conscious consent!
wow, ya, reading that entry now is
exactly what i am going through...just a year later.
i can tell, thank "god", that i HAVE made progress, i'm happy to
announce :)
not a shitload of progress but progress
nonetheless!
huzzah!
7:57pm
about once or twice a year i go to
my newsgroup just to see if it still exists.
i am waiting for it to die, like a house in the prairie.
anyway, had to save this post, as i thought it was hilarious in that it went with my dream of me cooking a hand in the oven.
Topic in alt.fan.ana-voog
I want to cook and eat Ana Voog !!!
From: Nichelle Barnat - view profile
Date: Thurs, Dec 15 2005 11:23 pm
Email: "Nichelle Barnat" <tree_m...@yahoo.com>
Groups: alt.sex.snuff.cannibalism, alt.fan.ana-voog
I'm a cannibal and Ana Voog is still a great piece of meat and
it's necessary to cook her as fast as possible ! She's YUMMY and
I HAVE TO eat her !
So should I roast her on a spit, cook her in an oven, boil her in a pot
or butcher her for parts?
What part of her do you want to eat?
From: Count Cannibal - view profile
Date: Fri, Jan 13 2006 11:15 pm
Email: "Count Cannibal" <ultramunc...@hotmail.com>
Groups: alt.sex.snuff.cannibalism, alt.fan.ana-voog
I'd eat her ass, roasted in an oven.
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ya, well, you can see why i only
go there once or twice a year!
lovely.
weird bit of fact: it was kevin seconds of seven seconds who started that
group.
i think my politics finally drove him away.
he likes my boobs but not my politics (i'm guessing, but it's an educated
guess).
so true for so many things.
i still hope to meet him someday :)
but god, i wish he could dismantle that group.
oh, i think the person is replying
to the cannibal post is replying to himself to make himself look as if he
is not a TOTAL loser.
i just went to jennicam newsgroup for the 1st time in 500 years and i see
he has posted almost the exact same thing, too...but under a different name,
and then someone else posts to this person's reply how they would like to
eat jennifer.
but it was dec 31st, that they announced
their *SHOCKING* revelation to all of the 16 jennicam newsgroup subscribers
that he wants to "eat jenni!"
and since he got no response (except from himself ) he had to come into my
newsgroup and announce he wants to "eat me" 13 days later.
but here *I* am reading it.
why?
because i just like to see how long things can be drawn out.
like look at elvis, his been dead for eons, yet he makes the headlines all
the time.
like some gigantic echo.
i wonder what sort of echo i will leave, if i leave an echo at all?
i did say that when i die i would haunt the internet...
so how will any one be able to tell if i really am hanting the internet of
if people are just playing around?
maybe i will just blow away, like a link that is not there anymore and no
one even bothers to take the link down.
like the farmer who painted toilet
seats and compiled them on his fence.
that were then dismantled after his death quickly.
he was so proud of them.
i am proud of my work, too.
whether it's "relevant" to anyone or not.
anacam, and ana2 especially is my
"folk art environment"
"internet style".
7:30pm
well, so i made it outside to the
little store.
i forgot i am out of dog food.
the dogs have been living off chicken, pita bread, and other human food the
last day (like canteloupe, they love it).
and i got the dogfood and it came to 5.55
and the guy goes "lucky number!"
and i was like "ya!"
because when i see triple numbers it is important to me.
and i'm walking down the street in my sadist shirt and fluffy white cat hood
(because i thought men's pjs were a bit too "insane"...it's a fine
line, isn't it?)
and people are just SMILING at me.
and old couple beamed at me.
a person in their car rolled down their window and yelled "looking good!"
as if they knew me so i waved back in a semi confused way.
and then some other guy says "nice hat" and i say "thanks"
all the while i'm still walking, not breaking stride.
and he still keeps the conversation going as i walk away "i fell off
my roof and broke a rib!, it just snapped!"
and i yell back from 1/4th a block away "ouch! that sucks!"
and he keeps talking to me as if i am standing there still, "i guess
it just happens when you get old! i've never broken a bone in my entire life
until just now!"
*twin peaks moment*
and i yell back from 1/2 a block away "wow!"
and he yells, "you look nice in that hat, not many could pull that off!"
and i yell back from 3/4th a block away "well you have to be a CAT!"
i felt proud of myself for staying out of the conversation.
a big part of me wants to stay and here every last detail about the broken
rib. i don't know why.
maybe it's that i like how absurd it is.
like how LONG can we talk about the rib?
why are you telling ME this?
i like to just see how long something can be drawn out for the sake of complete
ridiculousness.
sometimes this game is like nails on a chalkboard to me, and other times it
is like a shiny toy i never get sick of.
like sebastian and his jack.
i really just love people and their stories.
the problem is, it's hard to get away sometimes once they start.
i know this because i have been caught by the web of many a story and i know
that others have been caught in quite a few of mine, because i'm a talker,
to be sure.
but when some strange old guy says "i broke a rib sliding off my roof
today and it was my 1st broken bone in my entire life..."
it's like the calling of the siren to me.
i want to latch on and see how long that fishing line goes and what kind of
fish is on the the hook.
if there is any fish at all.
that's probably why people say that stuff to me because they can feel that
i want to know, and they need to tell.
but no, i stayed on course and did NOT get caught up in the rube goldberg
machine (sp?) that would have started with "a broke a rib...."
it could have gone on and on and on all night.
clickety clickety. bingity boom.
i am the ball.
zip zap down the hatch, "clip" a stack of dominoes falls....
so tragic but so beautiful.
the audience oos and ahs over the collapse...it took so long to set it up!
so beautiful in it's collapse..
the sound, the rythym, the inevitability..
and then what?
there is DEFINITELY a weird vibe
going on today.
it's portal of sorts and it feels it could swing in any direction.
i'm just walking the line, as johnny cash said.
i'm going to go look up the meaning of 555.
i've been seeing that triple number a lot lately.
which is interesting because going to portal, the # was 444, and now it's
switched to 555.
i guess i'm glad it's going up and not down?
heck, i don't know...
i know this is all really weird.
i'm just talking out of the corner of my mind.
7:00pm
survivor is on. and i just got a
spam email with the subject title "psychopath!"
and i thought, ohmigod someone thinks i am a psychopath because of my dream!
but no, it was just spam, which i guess then makes me a PARANOID psychopath.
right now i am wearing a white kittie hood for halloween, and my long sleeved
t shirt that says "sadist" with in the adidas logo style.
yep.
gotta love it.
i was just wondering "why can't
i wear my pajamas outside?"
i mean i do, in many respects, as lonf as they are vintage.
i've been wearing vintage underwear as outwear since...well, i guess since
madonna made us go ah! underwear as outerwear!
but it wasn't as obvious as that. it just seemed normal to me.
it looked nice.
anyway. pajamas. there is no reason why anyone should be seen as crazy for
wearing their pajamas outside.
their perfectly fine for outdoors as well.
and comfortable, too!
heck knows i wear my "street clothes" for pajamas, so why not the
other way around?
btw, i am very excited that i finally found leggings at target.
they were the 3/4th length with a tiny bit of lace at the end.
so perfect for summer.
they were in the children's section on sale.
i bought 6 pairs, so i am set for this summer now.
i couldn't believe it when i saw them!
leggings!
when will they make a FULL comeback?
i am just waiting for that day.
6:47pm
ok, i'm not going to make it outside.
ok, whatever. i let it go.
6:18pm
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i haven't made it outside.
today is the last nice day and then it will be rainy and cold for days.
if i don't make it out there for at least 10 minutes i will be slapping myself.
i don't know what i have done with this day.
i sort of watched oprah, i sort of watched the news, i squished my dogs a
lot and spooned with the pookadog.
i took out some garbage.
i ate some raspberries and yogurt.
i don't know what the wrench in the cog of my machinery is, but i definitely
feel really zoned out and unmotivivated.
i'm trying to snap out of it somehow.
i go back and forth between just "going with the flow" and then
guilting myself out about that i am not getting anything done today.
i feel like i could go right to sleep.
but when i sleep i don't sleep very well.
the thing stuck in my head from last night's dreams is using a dead man's
hand to break through a window in hopes that no one could then trace my dna
back to the broken window.
i was trying to either get into a basement or get out of one.
i'm not sure what.
i think i was trying to steal something. i don't know what.
i then didn't know what to do with the hand, how to dispose of it.
so i baked it in the oven.
and then the cops showed up at my house just as i was taking the hand out.
and so i sat and chopped up the hand right in front of them hoping they would
not notice that i was chopping up a human hand , because that would not be
the 1st and most logical thing to cross anyone's mind.
people aren't very observant.
so if you just do actions that they are familiar with, like cooking on a stove
and chopping meat, and you act very nonchalant about the entire thing, they
will not hone in on any of the details...like the fact that what i am chopping
up something that has fingernails on it.
i kept trying to think...what am i going to say if they see this is a human
hand? i kept thinking "how can they not see the fingernails on this?"
it was then i realized how truly unobservant people are.
because they are focused in on one thing they will not see something really
obvious.
i thought if they ask me what i am chopping up i will say it is a gorilla
hand. but then i thought...why would i be eating a gorilla hand and is that
even legal?
then of course why would i be eating a human hand is THAT is not legal.
i wasn't baking it to eat it, i was baking it to destroy it somehow.
the cops just continued to talk to me, i don't know what about, i was just
on autopilot, trying to figure out how i was going to get out of this situation.
i then put the chopped up hand in a small pot, and i covered it entirely in
a cheese sauce.
i was hoping no one would try to eat it or investigate it.
i remembered all the times i saw on tv that someone had put body parts in
their fridge.
but no one had ever gone so far as to put it in a pot with a cheese sauce
entirely covering it. like velveeta cheese.
so i hoped that my extra effort would pay off and i would get away with my
"crime".
the hand came from a morgue. i did not know whose hand it was.
all i know is that i wanted to break a window and i didn't want to hurt my
hand or get my dna on it, and then "bam" i had a dead man's hand
in my hand and i broke the window with that.
i figured it wouldn't be too awful to use it since it was from a peson who
was already dead, although i did feel guilty anyway.
it had been SOMEONE'S hand.
but then i thought instead of blood being on the window it's going to be decaying
flesh with fermaldahide.
so they will know that the cells came from something from a morgue.
i didn't want it to trace back to a morgue because that would be too easy
for them to discover that a morgue had some parts missing.
it would be much more work for them to analyze the blood and dna and try to
find that person. so by using a dead hand, i wasn't getting as much getaway
time.
yes, i watch too much CSI, i know.
ok now that i have typed all of that out i hope i can stop thinking about
it and get on with my day.
it really sucks to have something like that back in your head all day long
taking up space.
the other morning i was 1/2 asleep
but not enough awake where i could stop myself from thinking or dreaming things.
so for hours and hours and HOURS the last episode i had seen on the sopranos
played in my head. but only little splices of it and like it was on a loop.
tony soprano saying over and over and over on a loop "you've got to put
the KABOSH on it!"
it was exhausting to listen to that loop for 4 to 6 hours straight.
but i hadn't been truly aware it had been happening until i had fully woken
up.
and then i was just like ahhhh!!!!!! get tony soprano out of my mind!!!!
good god, if hearing tony soprano saying "put a kabosh on it" on
repeated loop for 4 to 6 hours is not exhausting then i do not know what is!
4:31pm
didn't make it to the bank.
maybe i will make it for a walk outside instead.
3:21pm
well freak me right out the door.
bill nelson replied to me!
he said:
"Many thanks Ana. Your words
mean a lot to me.
Best wishes from Bill Nelson."
our 1st ever (very tiny) "communication".
i'm happy we made brief contact, but sad that it is over such a tragedy in
his life. gah.
this is what i wrote in the forum, although i added a few words and changed a few words so that i did not swear as much and stuff:
"i know words are so lacking
and almost meaningless in times such as these, but i feel your grief and also
celebrate his life as just a woman across the ocean here.
i don't know what to say...what can i say?
i don't know...but i felt i needed to just at least throw in my little condolences
to you all here, even tho it is from a stranger.
i know what it is like to lose a loved one so suddenly, and that shock.
life and death are so puzzling.
i will share with you what i wrote about this in my journal today, as i do not know what else to say but this:
"life throws us all so many
curveballs.
even to the best of us.
no one is immune.
it is good to be willing to let
go into the dephs of sorrow and feel it all, even tho it is feels almost impossible
to survive it when one is going through it. and surely countless have died
of broken hearts.
it is better to feel than not feel, i think.
and just let it move through you then let it block you all up.
it is funny how death changes us.
even tho it is all an illusion of separation.
it feels so damn real, doesn't it?
how DO we pierce that "veil"
and touch our loved ones again?
just to see their eyes one more time.
smell their scent, hear their laugh.
even for a flicker of a second.
time is cruel.
a gift and tormentor.
a leisurely stroll through every fraction of suffering and engorged joyous
moment.
time is the cross we all must bear.
T-i/me
i love it and i hate it.
time is the most beautiful and the most savage.
a delicate wisp and a bone crunching machine.
wabi sabi:
nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect
today is the new moon."
_________________
Ana Voog "
3:07pm
i have downlaoded the trial version
of vegas movie studio 6.0 (i hate the name of it)
it looks like it will work with avi, wmv, rm, mpg, and mov.
so THAT is cool.
i will fiddle around with it later on tonight and see if it meets my requirements.
i need to eat something now and get outside.
2:55pm
i found out bill nelson has a forum
on his site.
i did nto know that.
so i wrote him and his family a little condolences thing on there.
1:50pm
i did have to take ibuprofen this
morning when i woke up.
even tho i am still in pain, it's not as bad as it was, and if i play my cards
right, i hope it is on the mend.
i'm going to try again today to get outside and go to the bank.
i've decided that maybe the best approach for me right now is to stop thinking
about my movie and how to get it done and stop thinking about houses i cannot
buy because i either do not have the money or a car and a driver's license
and money for gas it would require to get there.
so maybe i should just let all that go right now for the sake of my sanity
because it's depressing me.
i'll just start concentrating on
my apartment again, and cleaning it and getting rid of more things and just
concentrate on creating positive thoughts of abundance and get my chi moving
in all directions again.
feng shui and all that.
get my fucking taxes done.
just get this mundane shit out of the way and get my body in order, and get
out walking so my mind is in better order as well.
my spirit feels a little crushed right now.
i need to be happy for what i have
and not concentrate on what i do not have.
abundance is a frame of mind.
i have to get clear on what the hell
this is all about and i am all about.
it feels like i am clear on it, but maybe i am not.
because if i was clear about it i would just DO it, right?
but instead i just feel all these obstacles.
and...i don't know, i don't even want to write about it.
it's just too depressing.
so i am going to get my body and house in order in hopes that my mind and spirit will follow.
i don't want to make any rash decisions.
although everything is a learning experience.
i really want my learning experiences to be FUN, not based on loss anymore.
i don't want to keep learning what NOT to do.
i wnat to learn what to DO.
there has to be a way to live life without so much pain and frustration.
or maybe not...
http://www.billnelsonmusic.com/html/villa/study.php
bill nelson's recent diary entry
is gut wrenchingly sad.
his little brother died.
and on the day it would have been his 50th birthday.
bill nelson is beside himself with sorrow and regret and longing.
i wish i could email him.
but i know there is nothing i could say anyway...
life throws us all so many curveballs.
even to the best of us.
no one is immune.
i'm glad he is willing to let himself
go to the dephs of his sorrow and feel it all, even tho it is feels almost
impossible to survive it when one is going through it. and surely countless
have died of broken hearts.
it is better to feel than not feel, i think.
and just let it move through you then let it block you all up.
it is funny how death changes us.
even tho it is all an illusion of separation.
it feels so goddamn real, doesn't it?
how DO we pierce that "veil"
and touch our loved ones again?
just to see their eyes one more time.
smell their scent, hear their laugh.
even for a flicker of a second.
time is bitch.
a gift and mother fucker.
a leisurely stroll through every fraction of suffering and engorged joyous
moment.
time is the cross we all must bear.
T-i/me
i love it and i hate it.
time is the most beautiful and the most cruel.
the most delicate wisp and the most bone crunching machine.
wabi sabi
nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect
today is the new moon.
1:25pm
i'm going to download the free trial
of this today and see how i like it.
i cannot tell if will only burn dvds or if it will make a avi file or an mpeg
or a quicktime movie or what formats it will work with. agin, my quest to
find SOMETHING that i can make a frivkin movie with that will work with both
avi and mov.
i'm not sure this is it.
but it seems the only way to find out is to actually download the trial version.
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