| april
24th, 2006 |
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i was about to
take cool photos
on this couch
with these candles
when i leaned over
to click the camera
and started myself on fire!
i mean REALLY on fire!
i was screaming and jason woke up and went runing towards me 1/2 asleep not
knowing what to do
and he ran full force like a line backer inot a table knocking everything
off.
he still has bruises on his body from it.
and my ring finger on my right hand is still numb from the burns i got.
needless to say, that was the end of the photo session for that night!
weird childhood "visions"
did you ever see weird surreal things as a child that seemed like they should
be in a dream or a nightnare yet you know you were totally awake when you
saw it, and it was like something out of the movie beetleguise?
i saw 2 weird things that scared
the living crap out of me.
my parents said i was just having a nightmare but i know i was awake.
the 1st thing i saw is what looked
like toilet plungers on my wall of different lengths.
all suctioned to the wall and they were swaying back and forth at different
speeds and each one had a round coloured knob at the end.
it was like something from a willie wonka dr. seuss nightmare.
i called them "the boing boings" and i had to sleep with the light
on for a weak after that.
then another thing i saw was a huge
iron box riveted together, about 4 feet tall. it was on wheels.
it was right next to my bed and it had a huge dark hole ripped in it and a
bamboo pole came out of this hole and floated over my bed and then out my
window. and on the pole hung different sizes of human skulls.
then it just disappeared.
i don't know how old i was when i saw these. maybe 8?
i've never seen anything like it
since (thank god).
but i can't help but wondering to this day just what in the heck any of that
was about.
and wondering if anything ever happened like this to you.
my brother used to see things he
called "the dark men" and another type of being that he called 'the
huh-huhs"
the huh huhs were ok, i think, and only came up to him and made these weird
jerking movements will saying "huh-huh! huh-huh!"
but the darkmen were not good.
i never saw either of these.
i think i saw a ghost in that house,
too.
and my mom said she saw the ghost of an indian in her room once.
it stood at the foot of her bed and there was like a great wind in the room.
when my mom woke up she said the drapes had blown off the rods in a weird
way, even tho the window had been closed.
that was a weird house.
maybe it was the house.
still....i just have never known
anyone to see things like multicoloured toilet plungers on their wall.
or anything like that, that is just so nonsensical.
and that metal box was so salvador dali.
and no i still do nto buy the "childhood
imagination" thing or that "i was asleep" thing.
i know i was awake. i know the difference between being awake and not awake,
even if i was a child.
and ya, i have a good imagination, but these were not out of my imagination,
i can tell you that much.
9:19pm
8 tracks and life in general
i think i am going to get this:
http://www.fostex.com/index.php?file=products/digital/mr8
and they are so cheap, too! they
are only about $250
i'm surprised.
i've only ever recorded my demos
on my now very ancient fostex x-15 4 track which uses cassette.
but i find it now to be too noisy for my liking. and cassettes degrade over
time, sadly.
many years ago, i bought a tascam 8 track and i never used it ever because the thing was so user unfriendly i never could remember how to use the darn thing. so, after that fiasco i never bought another tracking system because i was too scared i was going to run into the same problem....just those counter intuitive things with too many menus and too little actual physical buttons.
i think this 8 track by fostex might
fit the bill for me.
it has physical knobs, which i like, and it seems they did not try to make
it too complicated.
fostex always seemed to have a better grasp of "user friendly" than
any of it's competitors, for me.
and now this one records onto the compact flash format, which i also like.
i'm not thrilled that it has built in effects and a microphone, that seems rather cheesy and unnecessary to me, but maybe i will change my mind about that once i have heard what it does. i guess things like that could come in handy if you were on the road with it or something.
anyway, if anyone has one of these
and wants to give me a review of what they think of it that would be cool.
or if anone knows of a place online where people compare and discuss different
types of 8 tracks, please let me know what the url is :)
i also need to get a new microphone, as mine seems really....just old, i guess.
i think something has gone wrong in the cord.
i think it was only $50 bucks at the time. so it's not like a huge loss, but
it's weird how one can get attached to little things like that if it's the
only microphone one has ever recorded with.
so if anyone has any suggestions
for a good vocal microphone, reasonably priced, i'm all ears.
i know there are so many different kinds of microphones out there, it kind
of makes my head spin thinking about it.
i remember being in the studio and they would try out what seemed like 5,000
different kinds of microphones for my voice before we would decide which one
suited my voice the best. i wish i could remember which one it was.
i should have written it down, but i think it was horribly expensive, whatever
it was.
i also need to buy a bass.
i'm trying to decide if i want just a cheap bass for demos or do i want the
bass of all basses.
which, for me, i really love rickenbacker because it's so snappy but fender
is more mellow, but they are uglier.
i really love the way fenders sound but they are so "guy rock" to
me...i just can't seem to get past the feeling that i am buying something
like a can of budweiser. ya, i think that's it. i have this weird connection
in my head between fender guitars and really cheap nasty beer and baseball
hats or something.
maybe i should just get over it.
my perfect bass would be one of those clear ones. and i can't remember now who makes those. i don't even know what they sound like but i know they look cool as hell.
i really hate talking about and discussing
"gear". i just like to find what works (and looks cool...i'm sorry
but it HAS to look cool...it just does) and then get on with it already.
but i have to talk about it a bit now because all my gear now is really old
and dying and i have to get new stuff, as i discovered when i made the soundpiece
for the sex worker's art show that my 4 track was very noisy and my mic was
dying and all that.
so please, if you have any advice
on any of this, don't get super technical on me or my eyes will start to glaze
over.
i like very simple user friendly things that don't have to many whistles and
horns on them.
i just ask that it be easy to use and be manufactured solidly (and look cool).
i don't need or want any of this "effects send" stuff or port this and port that and synchronization and scrolling menus with so many options i am falling asleep at the wheel before i even get in the car, you know?
i remember i even bought one of those
punch in and out things for my 4 track.
it's like a little rubber ball that you stamp with your foot and it will let
you then be able to control the record or not record thing with your foot
in case you need to fix a mistake that you recorded but you can't play the
music while at the same time hit the button.
well, i never ever did ONCE use that punch in and out thing. i'm really just
too damn lazy for even that.
you know, it's a DEMO, who cares if there are some mistakes in it? as long
as you can get the idea down to remember it and get the basic idea down, that
is what counts for me.
then i go into the bigger studio
and let all the gearheads fix me up with the fancy stuff to record it better.
ah, that is so nice :) i love engineers :) hooking up this and hooking up
that.
rolling up cords, punching buttons, micing things.
it's like being in a nice shoe store where i get to try on all the shoes and
decide which ones i like best while sitting on a comfortable chair. i like
to orchestrate things. like i want this mic with that effect with this other
effect coming in here and then send it to the left and then to the right and
then back again and then fade. and then the engineer figures out how to make
that happen.
a good engineer is priceless. one who thinks outside the box and goes that
extra mile to make the thing in your head come to life.
i wish i had the patience to be an engineer. but once it gets to be more than
8 knobs and there are 36 million types of cords all crisscrossing each other,
i just totally lose focus of what i am trying to record.
there is no way i would want to keep in my head ALL of those things at once.
it's hard enough just to write the entire song, play all the parts, make it
all work, keep in the mood of it all, without trying to also trouble shoot
some technical problem on top of it.
technical problems are the creativity killer for me.
how do bands even make a living these
days if you are not on tour?
now that anyone can download anything, is there even any money in being a
musician or songwriter any more if your money is not coming from touring and
merchandise?
sure, i still buy cds from those
artists i really really love. but god, i really do hate cds and how they skip.
downloading songs off the internet and then putting them in an ipod or whatever
seems to be the better way.
no skipping. no scratched cds. cds are such fragile things. a frickin piece
of dust gets on them and then *boom* the whole cd just skips. i hate it i
hate it i hate it.
i'm trying to think of where i fit
into anything as a songwriter and musician anymore, from the standpoint of
making a career from it.
of course, i will always make music, although it seems like i won't because
i've not made any for quite some time now. but a decade is really a rather
short time in the grand scheme of it all.
but ya, i guess i have accepted that
there is no way to make money from music for me, enough to live off of, because
i don't want to tour and i definitely do not ever want to be on another major
label again. talk about soul killing.
so, if these 2 things are gone from the list...and i cannot make $ from selling
cds, then what is left really?
all i can really do is just make
music and give it out for free and then maybe make a "donations"
page or something.
i can still make cds, and i'm sure i'll sell a few to those who wat physical
copies and that'll buy a few groceries here and there.
but that's about it.
it's a really weird and strange time
to be a musician, or just an artist in general, these days.
but i think especially so for the musician who does not wish to play live
and tour.
i mean one who plays their own music and isn't writing songs to sell them
or making music for films.
i really am of the old type mixed
in with some future thing.
i am some strange hybrid of the polaroid x-70, a llama making it's way up
a mountain in peru and a multidimensional time machine.
i want to put my music on vinyl and have the nice thick cardboard gatefold
sleeve with free poster and sticker...
or i want to be able to have my music transported telepathically through sonic
holograms shaped miniature dancing elephants made of glass.
but no, i'm just in the middle of
things. as usual.
put into this earth plane at this time line to fidget with the disentegration
of music as something that is a physical product and music that is just thoughts
rippling through the air and completely free, even tho it took intense and
almost incomprehensible pain, life, death, sorrow, wonder, joy experienced
through physical flesh through many years and then to be carefully and loving
assembled with a tortured precision into a mathematical frequencies, waves,
tones...like a sacred geometry house of cards, if the cards were made out
of liquid and sugar and each one given a soul.
the craft of things is going. everything
is creaking.
you know for those houses to still keep existing out there in the prairie
winds like that, year after year after year or sun and snow and blizzards
and insects and rain and heat and fire, and to have them still standing there....comprehensible....is
really quite an accomplishment in craft.
someone really knew what they were doing when they built those houses.
there are a lot of lessons learned
that are now lessons lost that need to be relearned.
a rude re-awakening is right around the corner.
why is it always 8 tracks and never
9?
why is it always 4 tracks and never 5?
what is up with that anyway?
i live in interesting and frustrating
times.
i feel really out of it today.
i think it's because i have put up
all my photos and stories (basically) about portal now, in ana2.com
and these were demos and things for bigger things.
and i am trying to figure out how to get to the bigger thing now.
and this gas price thing , for the 1st time in my life, is really getting
me down.
as i see all the little towns disappearing
because no one can afford to drive, i realize all the more how we are truly
fuct right now and thinga are in for a drastic change.
it's funny how just 100 years ago there were not even cars. none of this was
an issue.
there wasn't electricity and all that.
people rode horses or they walked or took bicycles.
this didn't make life simpler. it just made it different.
so what is going to happen now?
we seem to have gotten ourselves into a mighty fine pickle.
(sorry, i just had to use that analogy, it's my straw cowboy hat that made
me say it, blame the hat)
so i'm just trying to figure where
i fit into this mess.
how am i going to survive, how are ANY of us going to?
what should i plan and what should i not plan?
or is it just a toss of a coin?
at age 40 i would have hoped to be
a bit more "secure" in things by now.
and in some ways i am. in some ways security is detachment.
not detachment is in not caring but detachment as in "whatever is is
and that's ok"
i wish life were as simple as a fostex x-15.
3:58pm
stories about these photos will be up later today :)
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 the drive home |
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comfort inn |
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a weird new chain of restauraunt with an alien theme |
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 my $3 hat |
made in mexico |
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on the way up it was room 111 on the way back it was room 222! |
2:57pm
i'll get more pictures up today soon :)
i had the most bizarre dreams about genesis p-orridge.
he was completely in love with me
and had his penis sectioned into 7 sections, each one a different colour of
the rainbow.
but they were held together by a ring.
it was really freaky.
he was also carving his bones, through surgery) so that when he held his arm
in a certain way it would make a perfect circle hole.
i was astonished at how much pain he was willing to endure and dedication
towards his body as an art form, body as temple.
he told me that he and cosey fanni tutti (however you spell it) haD SPILT
UP AND THEY HAD BEEN TOGETHER FOR 30 YEARS SO HE WAS REALLY SAD.
(oops caps lock)
he wanted to have a baby and i told him that maybe i could give him one.
but i wasn't really sure if i wanted to go through all that.
i'm sure this is all symbolism for wanting a house and wanting land to create
something with. to connect with my planet at the dirt level.
today i am gravitating towards the
portal (communal) house being more of a great fanciful idea that is fun to
think about rather than a great fanciful idea that in reality could actually
work.
i'm not sure. it's a lot to think about.
i'm certainly not going to rush into anything without considering everything
and figuring things out more.
thanks for everyone's input :)
things for free!
"The Freecycle Network is made up of many individual groups across the globe. It's a grassroots and entirely nonprofit movement of people who are giving (& getting) stuff for free in their own towns. Each local group is moderated by a local volunteer (them's good people). Membership is free. To sign up, find your community by clicking on the region on the left. You may then go directly to your local group by clicking on "Go To" or you may immediately joining by clicking on "Join." It will generate an automatic e-mail which, when sent, will sign you up for the local group and send you a response with instructions on how it works. Can't find a group near you? You might want to consider starting one (click on "Start a Group" for instructions). Have fun!
The Freecycle Network was started in May 2003 to promote waste reduction in Tucson's downtown and help save desert landscape from being taken over by landfills. The Network provides individuals and non-profits an electronic forum to "recycle" unwanted items. One person's trash can truly be another's treasure!"
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