today's anagram

april 21st , 2006
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11:47pm

well "fuck a duck" (quirkily i learned that phrase from this minnesota stripper with natural blonde hair and HUGE enormous massive real breasts i worked with who would not swear...so she said quaintly "fuck a duck" whenever she was pissed and it stuck with me ever since....she was so sweet and i dreaded working with her because whenever they would "team us up" (the company we worked for "partytime") i knew i would make no money that day and she would get it all, because, you just cannot compete with a triple D natural blonde who is NOT fake in ANY way (even her personality...a total sweetheart)...so even after she was on and i would get BOOED off the stage after her i could not hate her because it was not her fault she was just naturally the greatest milk cow this world has ever known and i was some skinny scary goth chick with sarcasm, witm and a gun and NO BOOBS.)

where was i?

oh ya fuck a duck.

so the last 5 hours i have been downloading the trial version of premiere elements and when i unzipped the 1 GB file it said:

my computer did not meet the system requirements for it.
something about a:

"SSE2 instruction set"

anyway, my neck is starting to spasm as it has been 6 hours since my pain meds.
this is better because i used to be every 4 hours i had to take it.

but FUCK A DUCK

i wanted to try out the trial version of premiere elements.

but soon i will learn to do hair extensions.
i will make some money.
i will get a new computer.
all is good.
i am patient.
i am strong willed.
it will happen.

there is way more to this story involving switchblades, strange laws about nudity, a "dressing room" that was really the janitor's closet complete with DRAIN, and a person in a wheel chair who seemed mentally handicapped and not that THAT is at all funny nothing abot that night was funny. it was pure evil.
more than i can ever say.
the sweet milk cow, i hope was spared.
for real, i really do hope so, whereever she is.
since that night "fuck a duck" has stayed with me"
who knew this would happen after 20 years?
life is strange.
things are sticky.

regardless, here i am.
and here you are.
hi :)

10:36pm
i am so so so so so so super psyched!
so get this, when i came home from portal my dad had sent me a birthday card and a cheque, his usual and always appreciated. it's usually about $100 bucks.
sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less.
but THIS time he sent me FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS!
(4 for 40)
400 would have been enough to make me jump for joy but 4,000 is completely unheard of in my life unless i just got signed to a major label or something.
so for the past day i have just been pondering and pondering and pondering what to do with it.
like use it as a buffer to get me through the summer, pay my accountant to do my taxes,
buy a new computer for my business since mine are dying again. buy some new cams because those are also dying (leaving things on 24/7 is very hard on equipment)
buy a mac that is only to be used to make music and movies on.
get imovie and protools.
i wanted to do something with it that will FURTHER my life and not just keep me treading water.
didn't want to buy fish with it, i wanted to learn HOW to fish so i could further my life and not be so living on the edge of the poverty line all the time.
i thought and thought and thought....how can i INVEST this money in my future to make me MORE money? more self sufficient? better the world somehow?
better myself.

then it hit me like a ray of light.
jason is growing his hair out so he can get dreads.
i know jervais who sonia taught how to do this.
and jervais added her own style to the mix.

the last time i talked to jervais (because she is not online much) is when i was learning my godawful lesson about the piano. buying that $5,000 piano and letting it rot until it was worthless and didn't even know it.
selling it for 500 bucks or whatever i got for it, when i thought i could sell it for a few thousand and then give that money to jervais to teach my how to do hair extensions as sonia had taught her (as sonia was going to teach me and then she died a few months before she was able to).
and then having that money turn into horrible cheap make up supplies that did not even work for flying to vegas to be in that camgirl movie.
(hey, jay, if you are reading this how is that going???)
anyway. long story short, the piano dwindled into nothing.

lesson learned.

this time around i am not making the same mistake.
and then it hit me.
jervais.
the last time i talked to her i was sad about the piano thing...her life was soaring and she was learning new things and i thought "i want to be THERE"...in that "zone"...you know when you feel you are on TRACK?

then boom., she was online, i messaged her.
"hey bella!" she said :)
sure enough, it is all going to fall in place now, i can feel it.
it just DID...right NOW.
not like everything will be perfect from ever on, but just...click, i've made the right decision in regards to this money.
like a ray of light it all connected in my head like the missing puzzle piece. *snap*
everything fell into place.

so this summer i am going to jervais' place in california and she will teach me how to do hair extensions since sonia taught her. and jason will get his dreads.
i will carry on the sonia tradition, too.
and i will build on it as everyone who learned from sonia did.
we carry on her legacy. and now i can be a functional part of this.
and i will learn a new skill that will bring people joy and in return, me joy (and money)
this is good.
this is very very good!
i know that sonia would be proud of this moment.
she is long gone and off to bigger and better things, but i DO know if she were still in her earthly form she would be like "heck ya sistah woman child!"
and she would be so excited for me she would be beaming a mile because that is the kind of person she is.

and i know i can build on this and incorporate my crochet into it.
this is going to be SO COOL.
i'm not going to have a salon like sonia did.
i probably won't make it my life in the way she did.
i always have my finger in too many pies :)
but this is a skill i can turn into an art.
this is something i can take with me everywhere, be good at, and love.
this is something i have wanted to learn for so long now.
and this will bring joy to others and me.
and help me put food in my belly. and carry on the sonia tradition of transforming people into goddesses and gods.
glamourous wonderous.

this is something i want to do, will do, am doing now.
i never stop thinking about it.
people may think hair is a frivolous thing.
but it is so not.
anyone who has ever had a bad haircut knows this.
or men (and women) who have lost their hair know the power of hair.
it is a huge symbol, i'm not sure why.
but it is an extension of hats.
and as a double aries, and aries rules "the head" i find it very fitting that hats and hair would be "my thing".

i feel so "clicked in" now.
i feel SO LUCKY, so FORTUNATE to have this second chance at 'the piano" money.

and so fitting i should use my birthday money from turning 40 to do this.
i am SO HAPPY.
i'm already THERE, in my mind.
i see it, i feel it, i'm there.

i am such a fortunate person to make it to 40.
i am so fortunate to learn from my lessons.
i am so fortunate to have my dad.
i am so fortunate to have known sonia.
i am so fortunate to have my boyfriend jason, who loves me SO MUCH he would drive me to PORTAL ND for my birthday.
and i am so fortunate that i was able to show him things about north dakota he had not known, nor me either!
there is beauty in so much.
i am so fortunate that i am given the gift of seeing it.
and being with a person who also can see happiness in these treasures :)

i am so glad to know jervais. i look so forward to finally meeting her.
i am sad that it took sonia to die for us to meet....but there is always happy with the sad.
there are still so many journey's to make.
there is so much left to learn and explore.
i am SO READY.

i am 40!
and i am a portal :)
everyone is.
everyone and everything.

6:33pm

this is the diner we ate at in minot, about an hour away from portal.
they had some german soup called pronounced "nuffla"
and i can't remember how you spell it now.
gnoephla?
it was kind of like cream of chicken soup with potato dumplings.
there was an old man in the diner who had a flannel shirt on and suspenders that simulated big wide yellow yardsticks and a baseball hat on that said "i'm norwegian but i'm taking pills for it"
he had a special way of folding dollar bills that he was showing the waitress as she tried to feign interest.
i wanted to take his photo but i was too shy to ask.
i also wanted to know how he was folding those dollar bills in that special way.
i love stuff like that :)
the soup was just so-so.

5:42pm

found my scissors :)
eating black licorice.

here are 2 little "anamates":

the 1st is some metal "rocking horses" that were next to the gigantic fiberglass buffalo.
i was trying to show how windy it was up there, but it still does not really capture it:
rockinghorsessmall.mov 3.40 MB

and here is a train that stopped us just as we were about to enter portal:

trainsmall.mov 11.38 MB

i'm going over to jason's at 7pm to watch last sunday's the sopranos since we missed it.

4:19pm

here is the 1st installment of photos.
some i have left at their original size so you could see more detail, some i have made smaller for easier viewing.
lots more to come :)
i am downloading the trial version of premiere elements and that is going to take a few hours.
(stories to these photos below)

i didn't bring the chair to portal because the car was quite full.
i'll bring it next time :)

1:23pm

it was cool to wake up and be at home today :)

all the other days i would wake up, for a few seconds i would have to orient myself as to where i was and why i was there.
it's rainy here, too. the rain followed us home.
but sun later on this week. maybe even tomorrow.
today i woke up and did not take pain medication yet.
i'll see if i can make it through without any.
i dreamt i was fighting with david bowie at this party all night long.
i don't know what in the heck that was all about.
in the end, i realized it was me who was being an asshole and i apologized profusely for it and then proceeded to clean the house.
david bowie asked if i had found his dvd of the matrix because he and his wife had wanted to watch it the other night.
i said no, but i did find his matrix head...which was some sort of plastic head with one eye, like a cyclops.
the eye need fixing, tho, underneath the eye the glass was all shattered by the covering of the eye was intact making it seem like everything was fine when it was not.
gerry from the grateful dead kept hanging on my back wanting sex or just a hand job and it was grossing me out. he was asking everyone.
he even asked david bowie for a handjob saying he would pay him for it. david bowie, of course, respectfully scoffed at this.

i realized that david bowie only represented things in myself i had not actuallized yet and that is why i was fighting with him and feeling jealous of him. i already had everything i needed inside of me to be as cool as i thought he was and achieve everything he was, i just needed to discover it within myself and bring it into actualization. that is what made me apologize when i realized that.
i felt like such an immature asshole.
thank god david bowie was so graceful about it all and forgave me.

back in physical reality i am realizing that my pain in my neck and shoulders is worsening and making me hunch over, so i guess i do need to take my ibuprofen after all.
before i take that much i have to force myself to eat something so the pills do not hurt my stomache.

as i look out my window, i see the leaves have started to bloom since i have been away. it's a beautiful sight :)

i'm wondering how to show you all the photos and movies i took.
i really wish that imovie worked for PC.
window movie maker will nto work on mov files.
and i do not want something so huge and confusing and complicated as this premiere pro thing and avid and final cut.
howie mentioned there is a premiere elements, and so i am looking in to that as a choice for something i could hook all my files together with that is simpler.
i wish it was not 99 bucks.
windows movie maker is so perfect. if it would only work with mov files it would be so nice.
i think i will download the trial version of premiere elements and see what it does and how i like it.

i bought a $3 star cowboy hat (made in mexico) in jamestown for a souvenier. so if you see me wearing it on cam, you'll know what it is :)
it's kind of like a mini version of the somberero i had :)
i have my oven on for heat.

the dogs seem relaxed and happy to be home :)
it was so nice to wake up to them today, i really missed them and thought about them all the time. but it sounds like they had a great time at fuzzy's :)

i am almost all unpacked. just one more bag.
i took SO much with me, an entire carload...and didn't use hardly any of it!
i brought the silver owl, the black orb, the clear glass pear, a full length black crinolen, a wedding dress, yards of lace, needle and thread, a bakelite telephone, sparkly boots and clothes, my suit from the 60's, lots of make up, curlers, crimper, hair dryer, hair bleach, rhinestones, journal, polaroid camera, with tons of film, all my other cameras, 4 tripods,
all the toilettries one would need, 7 scarves,
a fur coat, my leather jacket, pajamas, clothes for everyday, tons of cds...feathers...the list goes on and on.
i was all prepared for TONS of things!

1st we made it to jamestown. that took about 5 hours. not a bad drive. when we got to north dakota i started seeing a few abandoned houses and stuff but they were all behind barbed wire fences.
everything was behind a barbed wire fence which was rather hilarious since i do not know exactly what they were fencing in or out since nothing is really there.

so note to self of next time i go to north dakota: bring wire cutters to cut through stupid fences that are all 1/2 falling down anyway.

there were more farms in north dakota than i remember.
north dakota has a total different feel to it than south dakota.
south dakota feels more happy.

but north dakota remains this mysterious place i am still fascinated by.
we came upon a lot of billboards that were white with big black letters that just said things like "be kind." , "be grateful."
and i did not get a picture of any of those sadly.
also a wind turbine i tried to photograph but we were going too fast for me to really get a good photo of it.
and it's hard to pull off on the highway or illegal to do so or something. but once we were off the bigger high ways we were able to stop. i wanted to stop at pretty much everything...but i knew if i did that we would never reach our destination so i picked where i would stop selectively.
and then make a note of things to take photos of on our return.
weirdly, somethings which were supposed to be there when we returned were not!
like there was this huge abandoned homestead in a town named Drake that was right by the road.
i made it a SUPER big point to stop there on the way home, and jason and i both looked for it and it was no where to be found!
which was just odd because drake is not even a mile long.
it's more like a few blocks long so it's not like this thing could be MISSED somehow. it was practically the only thing that existed there! but on the way home...we just could not see it!
north dakota is weird like that.

odd things would be around every corner. everything would be flat and then all of a sudden there would be a valley and a lake out of nowhere.
towns would sprout up in the weirdest places where there was nothing, yet seemingly beautiful places for houses, there would be nothing whatsoever.

we found that at one place where there were all these hills around 1953 (that was the oldest one i could see) the class of 53 started the very slwo "meme" of putting up their graduating year in white stones on the hills. kind of like the chalk drawings in england.

we saw classes of 53, 57, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 71, 76, 77, 80, 85, 87, 90, 91, 02 (those are the ones i can remember)
i wonder why some years were skipped and some years were repeated.
that was a surreal thing, all these numbers in white everywhere in these rolling hills with nothing else on them.

i wanted to take photos of them but it really would not have done it justice, because they were far away and the beauty of it was to see themall in succession in real life. it just could not be captured by my little camera movie maker.
you'll have to go and discover it yourself :)
it's on highway 52.
almost all of this is that i will speak of.

the numbers are all after jamestown, i am not really telling you my story in a linear way. sorry.

so we got to jamestown. i took a photo of the gigantic buffalo.
i wanted to eat at the frontier thing but it was all closed.
so i think we went to perkin's to eat.
i ate an omelette that made me sick.
so i spent my 1st night in jamestown very miserable, in a lot of neck pain, the worst yet, spasms up and down my back to the point that i would jerk and yell.
i discovered the guidion's bible in the drawer.
you don't see much of those in motels anymore. not the ones in new york and l.a. anyway.
so it was quaint to see one.
i opened it up to corinthians something er other because it was for "comfort in times of suffering".
it said something about how because i am weak that makes me strong.
and that did not help my neck at all, so i put it away.

oh back to the buffalo. the thing is HUGE. 26' tall.
the wind was WHIPPING it up up on that hill.
prairie winds are INSANE.
there is nothing to stop them. they can almost knock you over it feels like.
you have to cover your ears because it feels like the wind will bore a hole right through your head!

we saw some live buffalo in the valley below.

on the way home we stopped in jamestown again and took a picture of the buffalo again. this time i got jason to take the picture with me by it so you can see how big that thing is and get some perspective.

the next day was way better. it was even a little sunny, i think.

we got off the main highway and turned onto highway 52.
or something...i wasn't driving so what do i know?

the 1st thing i HAD to stop and take a photo of was this ginormous old "fiberglass" cow. at least it was probably fiberglass at one point.
but all that had peeled off and underneath it was the skeletal structure of the sculpture.
it wasn't as big as the buffalo, but it was still over a story tall.
one of it's legs was far far taller than i was.

some parts of it were made of brick, some of metal, some of what looked like just some paper mache or something.
it was multitextural and muticoloured but in sunwashed muted tones.
it was the most beautiful decaying "thing" i had ever seen. it deserves to be in a museum.
i have to say of all the sculptures in the world i have ever seen, this was, by far, my most favourite.
it was just in the middle of nowhere. there was one small building by it with one car and i think the building might have sold "snacks" but i'm not really sure.
it was just so desolate and i wasn't about to venture in there, i don't know why, but it was just a scary little building and it made NO sense for it to be where it was, which made it all the better.

so this cow...you could tell it had caught fire at one point in some parts.
arrows had been shot at it and were still sticking from it's head.
underneath where the "udders" were...there were lots and lots of hornets or bees nests, or maybe they were some sort of bird nests. i have no idea. but not even salvador dali could come up with anything THAT cool. i took a picture of the underside and i'll let you tell me what kind of nests you think they are.
i took black and white photos of it at 1st and on the way home we stopped at it again and i took ONE colour photo of it and then my card ran out of memory so i couldn't take anymore.
and the wind was really vicious and cold and all that rain had made the ground into mud so i just took me one shot and left it at that.

the next thing we stopped at was...(argh! i just found another woodtick crawling on me....god!!!!! i am going to wash ALL my clothes!!! arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!! grossssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!)

*shivers* i washed it down the drain. oh god, how many more are there???

FUCK!

anyway...the next thing we stopped at was 2 abandoned barns.
(i feel creepy crawlies all over me now)
a lot of times there would be an abandoned thing but it would be far away in a field, or on someone property that people were still living at.

this was right by the road and nothing near it so i felt safe that i could explore it without anyone watching me and without walking a huge distance in a muddy field.
we were warned against woodticks, btw. and yep, they are out there in the grass! after that excursion both jason and i found a woodtick on us both at the same time and screamed..(and i hadn't seen another one until just right this very second.
it's almost as if by writing this story i am bringing them into existence in my house!)

i was in heaven to take photos of this place.
it gives me such a thrill, abandoned buildings. it must be what cliff climbing or cave exploring or hang gliding is to others because i just get this RUSH of joy and excitement.
i would totally love to be an archeologist.

inside the buildings, which were both just SHAKING in the wind which made me feel they could come crashing down on me any minute, were old things that i felt proud to see as familiar.
old metal milking canisters, a steel pulley that i wanted VERY badly but was just out of my reach, bones of some small animal with a hoof, a big spool of barbed wire, a license plate from 1962...

the light shone through all the cracks, and i was more than thrilled to discover that each abandoned building, when left to the elements like that in the high winds, makes amazing noises that there is no way for me to have saved for you without the right recording gear.
such cracking and slamming and whistling and humming and whacking and creaking. i now want to do a record where i take samples of sounds from abandoned buildings and create songs for each building to go along with photos and movies of each building.

and each building has it's own small. some quite pungent, to say the least.
when i took pictures of the barns they were so lofty and gothic inside. i felt like i was discovering a church, someplace holy.
a place that spirits lived and dwelled in a new and also old way.

the building is a living creature breathing and creaking it's own song. and i wish i had a tardis to go back in time and visit the moment the last person packed their suitcase and left out the front door and why.

i saw the stone foundation of a house nearby.

old metal rusted farming equipment being engulfed by the tiny thicket neaby, the only respite from the wind.

a big weather vane tower thing with a well right underneath it.
i had to walk carefully as to not fall in anything.
and always the rock pile.
everywhere you go with farms, the rock pile.
farmers as they till the ground find the rocks and then pile them up.
many throw their trash there as well, old cutlery, useless pieces of machinery, everything.
one of my favourite places to go at my grandpa's farm was the rock pile.

it was right in the middle of his cornfield.
when you are small and young it seemed like it took FOREVER and a day to walk out to it because you were just so scared to go someplace that far all alone. plus the corn was so tall.
i still have a wonderful thick ceramic bowl from there.
i always said that if ever i got a cat (which i always wanted and never could have because both my mom and brother were allergic) that this bowl would be it's dish.

right now it's in the thing room with polished rocks in it.
sitting in the windowsill.

one of the old barns (going back to north dakota now) even still had hay in it.
and i remembered going up to the hayloft and being really fascinated and scared by it because there were holes on the side where the ladders went up from below but you could not always tell where they were because hay would cover them.

going up into the hayloft always seemed like one of the most magical and holy places one could ever be.
all of a sudden it would be so quiet up there from all the hay buffering everything.
but at the very end of the loft would be the big open window that overlooked the never ending cornfield.

the contrast of the beige grass with the big window the looked out into the super saturated green world, was so beautiful.
i've never really written about this before or even thought about it in this much detail.
but i think that hayloft had a great impact on my life that i had not known until now.
and the sweet smell of hay cannot be beat :)

i think back on my grandpa and his farm and how he showed me things.
like how to not touch the electric fences that always eerily hummed.
everything about the barn was magical and when the cows all lined up inside to eat and be milked and lick their salt licks, and the humming and the wind, you could feel how powerful the cow was.
even when it was penned in.
they were always such majestic beings of pure muscle and energy.
their big wet noses snorting and their tails whipping around and their huge huge tongues and stomping hooved feet.
neither gentle nor violent, you had respect for them.

and while i could still see quite a few of the smaller frams left, i could see the "mega farm" taking over. and the billboard signs saying "stop the government from taking out farms away from us!"
the land is more and more being pillaged for every last drop it can give. as we reached portal, i was surprised to see quite a few oil rigs! (i found out in portla from a farmer at the bar/restauraunt that they do not get a lot of oil out but like $500 to $2000a months worth...which is a lot of $ for up there and more profitable than farming)
weirdly, sometimes a very new bright blue oil rig doing it's very smooth movements right next to a very grey and decaying old 2 story house which once held a large and, perhaps, thriving family.

very surreal. i wish i had a photo of it.

i find it interesting and calming to know that i am not the only one who considers these old buildings somehow sacred...even tho they actually stand for the decline of the buffalo, the rape of the land, the genocide of the indians, and now the oil rig right next to it...
there is still something about these buildings that no one dare bulldoze it down. they are like ghosts no one dare fuck with.
farmers will carefully plow their fields around the buildings.
they leave those buildings to die their slow and natural death to the elements of nature. even if it is almost completely gone, slanted in a way that you can't even discern how it is even standing at ALL, the building will be left alone. like a sacred lawn ornament. and homage to families and people long gone who came here and worked their asses off. surviving prairie winds means so much more to me now. i can imagine being huddled in to a one room house in the middle of nowhere being pummeled for 6 months straight of relentless cold prairie wind.
no doubt one could go insane from it. and i'm sure many did, if they did not physically die.

in jamestown the next morning (going back in time again)
we found a grocery store that had birthday cakes.
and so i bought one and had them write a "40" on it in chocolate icing.

in some weird little town (the only town i THINK i may have seen an actual person of indian heritage), some cray neanderthal loking man (not of indian heritage) came climbing out from an underpass, completely dirty and dusty, barefoot with no belongings except a tshirt and some boxer shorts. he looked like some wild man who had come through some time portal from a coal mine or the dinosaur age,
he looked like an animal. his hair going in every direction.
he was very tan. i don't know how he has survived as long as he has!
we made a beeline outta there.
i think that might have been donnyville or something.
except for the wild man, i really liked the place. it had a very electric and kinetic energy about it that was different than the other places which had relatively little movement except the wind.

yes, for a place where there used to be so many buffalo you could not even count them, and where the indians were (according to some plaque i read on the wall of perkin's) "some of the happiest and finely dressed ever". the white man has done a fine job of completely ridding the entire state of everything but the wind.

the wind is like the invisible ocean there. and in the end, it will reclaim everything back.

more stories later.
i'm going to take a little break from writing now.
i'll work on putting up a few photos for movies for you now from what i have written about so far.

and unpack my last bag and things like that.

oh, i also seem to have lost my good pair of sewing scissors.
portal ate them?

oh, also, it was cool because the hotel room # we stayed in jamestown was 111 and on the way back we stayed in 222!
(in portal we were in #12)

our trip "mascot" was this caterpillar neck rest i bought at walgreen's before we left. i don't know if it helped my neck much but it sure was a cute mascot :)

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