| april
14th , 2006 |
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10:40pm
looking everywhere for all my nikon
accesories.
found everything except the manual. duh.
got a pdf file of it and will take that to a place to print out.
getting up at 7am to go with jason to get his tires changed and then to a
place where i may find a wide angle lense for the camera i want to use.
i've decided i will just use the movie feature of my nikon to make the "demo
movie"
this will save me a lot of hassle of figuring out a camcorder and transferring
video to computer, etc.
actually, maybe i will just make the entire movie in mov format. why not?
i'll see.
the moon is huge in my window.
my brain and emotions feel so excited and happy, but my body is in painful
spasms.
a strange combination.
i bought a 4 gig card for my camera today. it was 119 with a $30 rebate.
this will allow me to make as many mini movies as i want, i think.
they SAID it was like a compact flash card and would fit into ALL my cameras
that used compact flash, but they didn't know what they were talking about
and it only fits in ONE of my cameras.
now i know.
i am just praying to the gods that i can make ends meet by the end of this
month with the doctor bills and the trip and the extra photo equipment.
i gues that is what you have to do when you make an independent film or just
be an artist, period.
pray to the gods.
pray to the garce of the universe that everything will be ok and in the end
support you, even if just barely.
and so far,it has, although i have had more than a few close calls.
i want to thank each and every one of you for supporting me and being here
through my trails and errors and bitching and whining and just being here
when nothing is going on.
thank you for believing in e, that i am trying my hardest. and that you will
be the 1st to reap the benifits and get the inside scoop.
you are my core of lightbeings, you are.
and everyone who pitcched in to get me that victorian wicker chair about a
year ago that used to own and then got rid of and regretted, and then found
a copy of it again, and you got it for me...
i am taking it with me on this trip.
to the old old west.
i have fluctuated between making it silver or flourecent orange red/ but i
think i will go with flourescent orange red because it will look so vivid
against the north dakota background and , i hope, the wonderful abandoned
farmhouses i will find (although i was warned that some of them are meth labs
now, eek!)
all of you, all your support, everything i take with me in my heart.
i don't know if i will be able to update while i am away...but i will try
on jason's computer phone thing.
at least i can say a hello in LJ.
but i really think the images and movies i am going to bring back from north
dakota are going to be very very cool.
and i hope you will delighted with them.
this is just the beginning of the rest of my life (as they say when you turn
40, right?)
this is my pilgrammage.
i may find nothing there.
this may be the most pointless thing ever.
but i really feel i needed to take a pilgrammage inot the
middle of now/here....a portal.
and see what i find.
if i find nothing but scrambled eggs at the Last Chance Cafe, then so be it
:)
but this is really important to me, and i don't want to deem it TOO much importance,
because now is always the most important. and numbers are just numbers.
but really again, thank you for you PATIENCE and your support, your advice,
you chicken soup,
your faith in me.
i'm being a sap becaise i'm geting my period, the moon is in scorpio, i'm
in pain, and i'm over emotional
as all of you know...but also..able to get the job done when need be. i'm
a good person to have during a crisis, although that may not be apparent)
god, how can i summarize this?
again, i can't.
i never can.
you know that.
it's just glimpses, pieces, fragments...
but i could not do itif it weren't for you.
like tinkerbell the faerie...your clapping keeps me "here".
does that sounds silly?
i don't know how else to put it.
i'll write more tomorrow.
i'll try to send postcards from portal
or wahtever.
if i don't send them there i'll send them when i get back.
who knows where the post office is?
but email me your address to anavoog@gmail.com
and i PROMISE to send you a postcard.
it might be quite crptic and short 9a la dabid lynch)
but a postcard nonetheless!
i want you all to feel a part of this process.
because you ARE part of this process, even if you a a silent watcher.
anyway. i will try to go to be now.
6:30am get up.
find wide angle lense
print out manual to camera.
pack.
and STILL i have this dress i have to make.
i think it will (obviously) not be very ornate)
but i may throw something together.
i'll bleach my hair white tomorrow
and hope it does not fall out.
then pack then leave.
and then after that...peaceful skies, prarie dogs, sky, grain....
i need the peace.
to reconnect to the land.
this will be good.
i am going to recharge my batteries.
and jason...he's the man...the chaffeur. this is hi birthdfay present tome,
what a gift.
i just want to BE with him.
look ast the star for the 1st time in YEARS
i want to connect to my mate and
to the earth...
it's a lofty business and i am , as always overly dramatic and romantic about
it.
when most couple think of a romantic get away they do not think "portal
north dakota!"
i do...
i'm weird like that.
and i don't want to change that part of me.
i seek treasure in curious places.
i find joy in it.
iwill bring back treasure for you all.
nite now!
i'm not going to spell check this.
i am a hyper typer.
painspasms.
fuck it, i hope you get the jist
of what i am saying. :)
5:47pm
*insert long string of swear words times infinity*
so i went to the urgent care place. you pay $50 upfront and then they told
me that they will bill somewhere between 64.00 and 303.00 for see doctor who
did nothing for me but treat me like a second class citizen.
i really hate the health care system they have here.
some nurse took my temperature, pulse, weight, blood pressure.
then the doctor (ironically, named, JOY, because she was the most joylous
person ever)
she asked me what the story was , my symptoms blah blah blah.
i told her it had been going on for about a week. that i had been taking ibuprofen,
that i had seen a chiropractor and a massuese.
(and for those of you who keep giving me advice, thank you, yes, i have tried
ben gay, i have tried acupuncture, ice packs, heat packs, stretches, i have
tried everything i can within reason..and i don't think going out and buying
a copper bracelet or reading the "holy scripture" of the "one
true god" is really going to do the trick for me right now :) ha :)
so this woman, touched my back and said basically, ya you have a "something of the something something muscle"
and she came back and gave me a xeroxed piece of paper which told me how to do these stretches in a chair and told me to keep taking ibuprofen.
i burst into tears.
can't i have just like 2 or 3 percocets or something?" i asked, "i mean i am realy in PAIN. i've already tried ibuprofen"
i mean FUCK, if ibuprofen WAS working for me why would i be in URGENT CARE?
well she just SNAPPED at me and said SMUGLY "no, you AREN'T getting ANY percocet" and she practically snorted with laughter as if this was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. i could not believe it.
i immediately knew then that she thought i was just scamming her for percocet
like some sort of junkie because of the way i looked.
'cause i've bleached my hair out but i don't have it totally done so it is
at this awful yellow tone and all greasy because it hurts too much to wash
my hair. and i was wearing my jeans and i have that tattoo.
she just thought i was a fucking junkie scamming her for percocet.
so now i just get to be in pain. because some high and mighty smug ass self
righteous bitch of a doctor thought she was doing good for society by keeping
people who look like me from getting any pain meds.
seriously, if i could just manuever, i wish i could kick something.
like that woman's head and then just tell her to take some ibuprofen for it
and do these STUPID ASS STRETCHES on a chair for it.
MOTHERFUCKER.
i am so angry right now i don't even have words to describe it.
for FUCK'S SAKE just some tylenol 3s!
i wasn't asking her for oxycontin or anything. *&*^&^&%&%^!!!.
i'm so sick and tired of being treated like shit by the health care system
here because of the way i look.
the second they see me with my dyed hair or dread extensions or whatever thing...they
just make up their mind that i am just a piece of trash to them and they look
down their noses at me and think they have me all pegged in their minds as
to who i am.
that has been exactly the way i have been treated every single time at every single place here, except for the few times i've gone to planned parenthood.
so fuck fuck fuck. i just want to be better by the time i go.
if i have to cancel my birthday plans and my vacation for my fortieth birthday,
which is a pretty damn big deal to me,
and writhe in pain on my bed instead of making my movie...i just don't know
what i am going to do.
this is the time i wish i DID know drug dealers like those doctors must think
i go to.
god, if i knew the corner and where to go just to get some motherfucking tylenol3's
i sure as hell would be there right now buying some. can you buy tylenol3's
in canada?
fucking health care system.
it can just suck my big gigantic invisible dick.
and p.s. the diagrams and instructions are STUPID.
just like anyone whose ever done yoga or weight training or anything like
that...
you know how HARD it is (at least for me) to get a stretch done absolutely
CORRECTLY from a badly drawn line drawing of a person sitting in a chair with
some arrows of which way you are supposed to turn this or that!
for what i just paid the LEAST she could have done is sit me in a chair and
actually show me how to do them in PERSON.
but i didn't even think to ask for that (as if she would have) because i was
too upset and dumbfounded by the way i was treated by her to say anything
else.
2:10pm
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i called around to find free clinics or clinics on sliding scale fees.
man, there just aren't very many of those around anymore.
some never answered the phone. 2 answered but then i had to leave messages
on the machine to call me back.
one called me back but could not see me today or tomorrow.
but told me to go to urgent care which is expensive.
but right now i have no other choice.
so i called there and praise the universe there was an opening at 4pm.
and jason will be home by then so he can take me and it's not far away.
i'm so happy i could cry.
please, if there is any mercy on this planet, may percocet rain from the skies!
there is just no WAY i am not going to portal on my birthday to start my movie.
there is no way on earth i'm going to sit crunched in a ball in total pain
on my 40th birthday, laying on my bed crying.
no way in hell i am going to let that become a reality!
portal or bust, baby!
i just took 1 mg of xanax and 800 mg of ibuprofen because i was shaking i was in so much pain.
i was sitting in my bathroom crying and saying to god why why why please
god why?
and then this bird was singing a HUGE and beautiful song.
it was coming from the thing room.
the window is open in there. i thought it was actually inside it was so loud.
so i tiptoed very quietly up to the window sill and on the inside window sill
there are 2 silver cups i put there for a reason.
and this bird was inbetween the cups singing.
a tiny little brown bird.
i'm not going to explain the symbolism to you.
for me, i think i pretty much get the symbolism and i don't really want to
get into it.
but it was definitely a sign.
whenever there is something wrong with the body, i think of it as a symbol.
and i have a "pain in the neck"
and i know what this is about, i'm just struggling with it.
wrestling.
as the woman who was massaging my head and neck and shoulders yesterday said
after i said "the universe is weird"
she said "the universe isn't weird, we are. we throw the monkey wrench
into it"
and that is so true.
excerpts from my journal in ana2 yesterday because i don't want to type it out again:
"i asked if there was anyone there who could fit me in to a massage
and there was this nice woman who could.
so she worked on my neck and shoulders and it was so nice.
when i closed my eyes i could almost "see" inside my body like an
x ray.
it was a cool thing but i could only hold the image fleetingly as it's so
hard for me to get my brain to just shut up and just "be" in my
body.
so then that , of course, gave me more to THINK about...thinking about how
i think too much and how i could maybe think less.
which was completely absurd because there i was analyzing again.
it's a beautiful day outside. as i left the chiropractor's office i was disapointed
that i was still in pain.
but i wanted to walk to to see if i had any mail, so i just took deep breaths
and tried to be aware of my body and hold it in a relaxed position as i walked,
and then that seemed to work a little bit.
now that i am home, i am in pain again.i'm trying to RELAX and just "mind
of matter" this thing now.
ibuprofen does not workk. nothing works.
nothing works except some freaking PERCOCET would be FABULOUS.
and i wish to god i had some.
i'm not really sure what to do now.
i have so much that needs to be done, my house is getting dirty again.
i need to PACK and even think about what to pack for portal.
i have to get a bigger compact flash card. and batteries. find all the things
i need.
i hope i will be able to buy a birthday cake in jamestown.
i'm trying to RELAX and THINK all at the same time.
i don't know if it can be done but i have to try.
i feel somehow cursed lately with that flu thing i had and now this neck thing.
it's just ridiculous. i don't think i have ever had this much continuous PHYSICAL
pain in my life before.
i don't know how people who have constant physical pain deal with it.
i have dealt with constant emotional pain, but not physical.
sure, i guess i have nervousness, and that is physical (as well as mental)
but it's not the same as this.
this is just a whole new realm of pain i feel ill equipped to deal with, understand,
and repair.
it's just like some sort of cosmic joke that i sold this box for $444 with
all my musical career stuff in it.
and because i was caring (interesting typo) the box, i whacked out my neck
which now is costing me that money to repair myself from sending the box.
i have to kind of laugh at the weirdness of it.
and i'm trying to see the good side of this as in , i sold the box to "let
go" of things.
i picked 444 because that is the number of "resurrection" (i can't
remember why now).
and now, because of my physical therapy i am having i feel like i am maybe
having a little mini "resuurection" of the body , in a way.
in that i am re-remembering how much i stay in my head and how i need to come
into my body again.
i need to revive it.
all the more funny because the day i am leaving for portal is EASTER, the day of resurrection. and i didn't do that on purpose.
tonight is the full moon.
tomorrow is good friday, the day christ was supposedly crucified.
and not to turn this into a messianic complex like bono, i find it all just...funny.
maybe i'll be getting stigmata soon. :) i sure feel like it :)
ha :)
anyway, there has to be a reason for all of this...
..why i cannot prepare for my movie how i wanted.
why i can do nothing whatsoever.
i am about as powerful as someone nailed to a cross.
all i can do is just bear it and wait until "it is finished"
maybe on easter i will miraculously be fine.
or maybe i will just eat some chocolate easter bunnies."
12:29pm
thanks you everyone for all your advice on healing and good thoughts and
everything :)
i didn't know the commenting had been diableed from my journal! how did that
happen? weird!
anyway, now you should be able to comment.
i cancelled my chiropractor appointment today.
when i woke up i felt the same if not worse. and the deep tissue massage i
had on my neck, while it felt nice to have it done, it has made me even more
sore today.
so i think my body needs a break from being cracked and rubbed today.
i just feel so sore and stiff all over.
i wish i had a regular doctor, had health insurance, had more money.
i'm not going to go to the emergency room so i can sit there all darn day
and then be charged $2,000 for it just to get some percocet.
i don't really know what to do.
and sunday is the day i am to leave for a week to go to north dakota to start
making my my movie "40 in portal) (as it is my 40th birthday on tuesday).
and if i have to cancel my trip and lay on my back on and do nothing for my
40th birthday. well, that is just about the most depressing thing i can think
of right now.
i don't know what i can do except just lay on my bed and not move and pray
that in 2 days time i will be well.
i just don't know what more i can do.
i am very upset. all i can think of is WHY is this happening to me?
why now of all times?
am i not supposed to make my movie? am i not supposed to go to north dakota?
WHAT?
just why why why?
i haven't even washed my hair in days because it hurts to moev that way.
and it's another gorgeous spring day outside in which i cannot get out and
walk in.
just WTF?
i am so full of ideas and things to do and excited to do them...and i can
do NOTHING.
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