| april
13th , 2006 |
||
8:18pm
i need release forms for people to
sign who may end up in my movie.
is there a standard release form i can just download off the net and print
out?
how does that work? anyone know?
6:55pm
wow, it got late so quickly.
i'm not used to it being light outside at this time.
it's throwing me off but i love the longer days.
i am in pretty bad pain, but i am just going through my house and picking
up and searching through everything i want to take with me to portal.
fuck the pain, i need to get shit done.
i just breathe through it.
survivor is on in 3 minutes.
i should probably settle down and watch it and put some ice on my neck.
i don't really want to, tho.
i just want to find everything i want for this trip so that is not on my mind
anymore.
and then..it is what it is.
i can't decide if i want to take my 4 track with me to record any sound.
5:37pm
just got back from the chiropractor. they were super busy in there today.
so he didn't really take as much time with me as he did yesterday and when
it was all done i still was hurting.
so i asked if there was anyone there who could fit me in to a massage and
there was this nice woman who could.
so she worked on my neck and shoulders and it was so nice.
when i closed my eyes i could almost "see" inside my body like an
x ray.
it was a cool thing but i could only hold the image fleetingly as it's so
hard for me to get my brain to just shut up and just "be" in my
body.
so then that , of course, gave me more to THINK about...thinking about how
i think too much and how i could maybe think less.
which was completely absurd because there i was analyzing again.
it's a beautiful day outside. as i left the chiropractor's office i was disapointed
that i was still in pain.
but i wanted to walk to the p.o. to see if i had any mail, so i just took
deep breaths and tried to be aware of my body and hold it in a relaxed position
as i walked, and then that seemed to work a little bit.
now that i am home, i am in pain again.i'm trying to RELAX and just "mind
of matter" this thing now.
ibuprofen does not workk. nothing works.
nothing works except some freaking PERCOCET would be FABULOUS.
and i wish to god i had some.
i'm not really sure what to do now.
i have so much that needs to be done, my house is getting dirty again.
i need to PACK and even think about what to pack for portal.
i have to get a bigger compact flash card. and batteries. find all the things
i need.
i hope i will be able to buy a birthday cake in jamestown.
i'm trying to RELAX and THINK all at the same time.
i don't know if it can be done but i have to try.
i feel somehow cursed lately with that flu thing i had and now this neck thing.
it's just ridiculous. i don't think i have ever had this much continuous PHYSICAL
pain in my life before.
i don't know how people who have constant physical pain deal with it.
i have dealt with constant emotional pain, but not physical.
sure, i guess i have nervousness, and that is physical (as well as mental)
but it's not the same as this.
this is just a whole new realm of pain i feel ill equipped to deal with, understand,
and repair.
tomorrow i have one more appointment with them.
at 12:15 to 12:30 or maybe 12:45 i am getting the massage and then 12:45 i
will get another adjustment.
today he did crack my back.
i can't really say if it helped or aligned anything or did anything good for
me in the long run since i am still in pain.
but it was an interesting experience again.
it's just like some sort of cosmic joke that i sold this box for $444 with
all my musical career stuff in it.
and because i was caring (interesting typo) the box, i whacked out my neck
which now is costing me that money to repair myself from sending the box.
i have to kind of laugh at the weirdness of it.
and i'm trying to see the good side of this as in , i sold the box to "let
go" of things.
i picked 444 because that is the number of "resurrection" (i can't
remember why now).
and now, because of my physical therapy i am having i feel like i am maybe
having a little mini "resuurection" of the body , in a way.
in that i am re-remembering how much i stay in my head and how i need to come
into my body again.
i need to revive it.
all the more funny because the day i am leaving for portal is EASTER, the
day of resurrection. and i didn't do that on purpose.
tonight is the full moon.
tomorrow is good friday, the day christ was supposedly crucified.
and not to turn this into a messianic complex like bono, i find it all just...funny.
maybe i'll be getting stigmata soon. :) i sure feel like it :)
ha :)
anyway, there has to be a reason
for all of this...
..why i cannot prepare for my movie how i wanted.
why i can do nothing whatsoever.
i am about as powerful as someone nailed to a cross.
all i can do is just bear it and wait until "it is finished"
maybe on easter i will miraculously be fine.
or maybe i will just eat some chocolate easter bunnies.
i am going to try and bleach my hair out more white tonight, pain or no pain.
there just cannot be any more waiting.
and i also need to start at least putting things in a pile that i am going
to take with me.
i'm going to try to remain as minimal as possible.
i'm sorry my cam is so boring.
and i am sorry my journal entries are so tortured.
what can i do?
it is what it is.
i hope you all stick around and see what surprises i bring back from portal.
all my photos and mini movies i will make.
i think i will keep a paper journal of the trip and also take polaroids.
so there will be lots for you to see when i get back, so hopefully this "dry
spell" would have been worth the wait for you.
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