march
20th , 2006 |
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11:39pm
11:14pm
i am going to set my alarm for 9:30am.
the inspectors MAY inspect my house between 10:30am and 4pm, so make sure
my appliances work and my plumbling works. to my horror, it also says they
can take photographs!
gah.
anyway, i'll get up and clean like a whirlwind for an hour to make things
at least slightly ok.
and then the rest, well whatever, i'm sick, i'll cough all over them if they
give me any grief.
but i am concentrating on creating the reality that mine will not be one of
the random partments to be picked to be inspected.
10:58pm
i have been thinking about that on
anacam's 9th anniversary, ausgust 22nd of this year, i will announce it to
be the end of the "thee modern grrl is entertainment valu" piece.
it seems fitting to call it a nine year "piece". and 9 is the end
of a cycle.
or i call call it "the modern grrl iz entertainment value, part 1"
which i will more likely do because i like things to be open ended to do more.
but i like the idea of the 1st 9 years of anacam being a 9 year long piece
with a name.
i do not know what the next piece will be called, or if it will be a piece,
or have a name or what.
and don't worry there will nto be some drastic "change" to what
i do, i don't think.
but for the sake of the end of a cycle and a new beginning and turning 40,
i think it might be fitting.
just something i am mulling over.
and then within this piece there are
the 4 apartments, which only the 1st 2 have their own sections.
but i will section them off.
the modern grrl is entertainment value, part 1
a. 1st apt
b. 2nd apt
c. 3rd apt
d. 4th apt
and then subsections of that.
10:04pm
on pbs i just watched 2 incredible
documentaries that made me cry.
one was on billie
jean king, who i never really knew much about except that she was a huge
big deal in the 70's and was talked about a lot in my house with the women's
lib movement and then i remember the big lesbian scandal.
but since i am not very interested in sports, i did not pay attention much
more than that, because i really just hate sports.
but seeing this documentary on her, it was just really mindblowing and enlightening
and i have tremendous appreciation for all she has done. wow.
i feel like getting "i love you billie jean king" tattooed across
my arm!
really, the entire documentary was so amazing....and it made me realize how
much she has influenced my life and i did not even know it.
and it made me yearn for that time again when it felt "electric"
in the air as far as women's rights were concerned.
we made such progress...is it just me or does it seem like women have gotten
really apathetic about raising that bar even further?
we live in such barbaric times. it's hard for me to believe that there was
a time when women were treated as billie was , but there it is, and i lived
then and i remember it and it's still happening now.
i remember my mom asking me what i thought about "women's lib" as
if this was even a question to wonder...are women equal to men?
and still this is a question people are actually wondering.
and things still feel so backwards.
i mean, the sponsorship that paid for billie jean that propelled women athletes
into money making careers was virginia slim cigarettes "we've come a
long way , baby"
it's all so weird.
we have such a long way to go.
after that it was a documentary on
the 1st openly gay woman in a relationship being ordained in a certain branch
of the lutheran churchm here, in the twin cities.
and i remember the news of that but seeing the process, the woman, the people
around her, just all of it...
it had me all in tears.
we have come a long way but we have so far yet to go.
the human heart needs to grow in it's capacity to love.
and we need more people standing up to make a difference.
it was really depressing , this poll on cnn yesterday. it asked "do you
believe that anti war protetsers make a difference in government?" and
it was 68% NO.
and there it is. cynicism. apathy. entrophy.
and you know, i feel it, to, but i voted yes.
because i was born in 1966, and i remember billie jean king, at what one person
can do.
i didn't pay attention to sports, but she was alaways mentioned in my household,
on the tv, raising questions.
she influenced me and empowered me at 7 years old and i wasn't even quite
aware of it until now.
and i was too young to protest, but i was alive during the protests against
the war and i know it CAN work.
i know that when people set their minds and HEARTS to things, change happens.
people's hearts are so closed now.
what can be done to open them again?
it sounds corny to say, but one person
CAN make a difference.
the beatles DID change the world.
the beatles changed ME.
billie jean king paved a way for women with a tennis ball and not taking no
for an answer.
like a rockclimber using little rock at your disposal to grasp on to, whether
that is a stupid cigarette company or whatever...
now it has to be done in new ways.
but it needs to happen with that same level of focus, perseverance, intent,
will, and not taking no for an answer.
not hoping that your opponent will falter, and so you can gain ground, but
by going out there and being GREAT at what you do...staying focused, keeping
your eye on the ball, staying grounded and centered in yourself and then just
going out there and DOING IT.
this war in iraq must stop.
gays must be allowed to marry.
and there must be equal rights for all.
and we have to stop seeing the earth and it's creatures and resources as something
less equal than we are , too.
i will not take no for an answer on any of these things.
what is it going to take to truly MOVE people again?
5:19pm
so jason went to the doctor and i
got a bunch of medicine.
they said he has the flu and gave him steroids and cough suppressants and
a tiny bit of antbiotics just in case and told him that he can't go into work
until thursday, if he feels ok by then.
the doctor told him that since i am getting better i probably don't need anything,
medically.
while we waited for his prescriptions we went and ate some and now i'm back.
i just want to fall alseep right now.
it looks like january out there, not the 1st day of spring.
i just got an email asking me if i would like to submit some of my writing
for this seriies of books:
http://www.evenstar.net/mwe/index2.html
that sounds pretty cool, so i think i will :)
i didn't know i belonged to a generation
of people born from 1960 to 1982.
i got my big furry scarf i made back from lionbrand.
i'm glad to have it back, it rules.
i can't believe they didn't know what it was or what to do with it.
i don't know whether or not to lie down now and rest or force myself to get
up and clean my kicthen, somehow.
i think i vote for lying down.
maybe i can ward of the inspectors from coming to my house tomorrow by putting
a pentagram on my door or something.
maybe i should draw it in goat's blood just to make extra certain they will
not come in :)
or maybe a warning like "death to your firstborn, ye who enter this tomb"
or something.
do you think that might work?
3:00pm
i'm going to have to get rid of enough
things in the thing room that i can completely clear out my bedroom entirely
and turn it into the studio set i need for all these scenes i need since i
cannot afford to rent a studio and there are indoor scenes where i need a
white room with nothing in it except a few things.
my bedroom is the perfect size with really great natural lighting.
this is going to take a lot of preparation and work.
but just the fact that i have the
option to film this in my house (besides portal, north dakota) will save me
so much money.
2:42pm
lost in thought about my movie.
i need to go to menards and at least buy the wood i will make the giant bono
with.
or whatever it is i am going to make him out of.
i am thinking it should be plywood because it needs to be sturdy against prairie
winds.
i need to get paid from annie oakley for doing swas so i can buy these things
i need for the movie.
(and pay my rent and bills)
i left a message on her machine.
i can't decide if he should be 9 feet tall or 12 feet tall.
i would really like to ake him 15 feet tall, but that would not fit in my
apartment.
would i would REALLY love is to make him 40 feet tall. but that is impossible,
as i can figure.
i don't know how i would make or ERECT a 40 foot tall bono in the middle of
the prairie.
i need wim wenders to come and help me.
can you imagine how awesome and image
of that would be?
a 40 foot tall glittering bono in the middle of the prairie of north dakota?
it makes me feel dreamy and electric just thinking about it.
if i could somehow make him 40 feet tall i wonder if i could get him to make
a gust appearance in the sequel? or if he would just think i am some sort
of weirdo? :)
i don't even know how tall 40 feet is.
i wait, yes, i do, because that weird mayan statue in the courthouse is not
40 feet tall i think it's 33 feet tall.
ohmigod 40 feet tall would be like a 2 or 3 story building?
i would need gigantic cranes to get that thing up.
it would be so cool.
it would be fun to helicopter it in and out.
i wish i was rich.
maybe i should go buy a lottery ticket.
i need 2 make 3 boxes that are 5'x
5'x 5'
i can't find any that just exist already.
so i think i will have to make them myself out of foam core.
i hope i can find a place that sells foam core big enough that i can make
5' squares from it.
one is totally crocheted, one is covered in keys, and one is red glitter.
god, i really do want someone to
make me a spinning wheel out of clear plexiglass.
1:37pm
there are some scenes in portal i
can do with no props.
except one i need a birthday cake for and that will not be hard.
and that is the opening scene, the one i have had in my head for several years
now. almost 10 years, really.
so i know i can do that. and that is fitting to do that one in portal on my
birthday.
i think what portal will consist of, for my movie, is just shooting things
and getting used to what kinds of things can be done with just a hand held
cam or a tripod.
and i will scout the town out for all the locations i love the best. all the
best angles.
all the best buildings.
and take photos exactly how i want the lighting and the angles , etc, for
the film.
get to know so of the people there a bit, get a feel for the town and how
cranky or friendly people are there, how lenient they will be to me filming.
but ya, if i at least get some footage and take really exact photos as to
how i want the look and feel of my movie to be, then i will have physcial
evidence to show people how i want my movie to look and feel.
this will help me be able to explain my movie better to people and get my
vision across so that i can get the help i need, hopefully.
and for people working cameras, if i can get more than one person, because
i would like some scenes to be filmed from multiple angles at once, if i have
photos then that is really going to help everyone film the way i want it.
so this will take a lot of pressure off of me to film everything perfectly
in one try in a place i am not even familiar with.
i want to do this right. i don't want it to be done poorly or rushed.
i don't want to feel stressed about it. i want the entire process to be fun
and fully realized how it is supposed to be.
so this trip to portal will just be more about location scouting, and taking
photos for my film.
then i can story board everything together much better. i can put together
a visual portfolio "demo" of what i want this film to be and look
like.
i'm going to get this right. i am NOT going to just throw this together.
even tho this will be a cheap film (compared to star wars) , it does not mean
that it has to be done poorly.
it will be of quality to the best of my ability.
i will just keep going back there
until i have all the pieces that need to be filmed there done the right way.
so ya, i feel good about this.
i feel a load has been lifted from me and i don't have to have this mad rush
to create all these perfect things right NOW, which is completely impossible
now, timewise.
all i need for this trip this time is just this one outfit i really want made.
and a birthday cake.
and we can make "demos" of other scenes.
i like the idea of taking photos of exactly the right angles of things so
i have things to show the camera people.
and i will sketch and storyboard.
and i will put together this portfolio of this.
and maybe i can sell copies of the portfolio with the photos and sketches,
and basic story, in a magazine type form to help me get some more money to
go back there again.
it can have a little dvd that comes with the opening scene and also soe music
i will make for the score.
people can't never really envision what i'm talking about until they can see
physical proof.
so this will be good and helpful and get the train rolling.
*whew*
ok, there you go.
i feel better now.
but there is still a lot of work to be done just even in that.
but it takes a lot of pressure off.
i'm just not going to let this film be of poor quality.
i know what i want to do. and i know i can get it done if i just take my time
and do it right.
then when i get back, i'll put the
portfolio together and have something to show people like chuck statler or
even bobby z, if he knows anyone who could help me or whatever.
i need to get a 9 foot or 15 foot pole (or something), tho, which will be
as big as the giant bono, so i can get a feel for just how tall this will
look out in the prairie.
yes, this feels like a good and right
decision.
no rushing. do things right.
12:55pm
today jason took me to see my psychiatrist
(he is not a therapist just a guy i see once or twice a year for meds or whatever)
and there were 5 of us in the waiting room but no one had bothred to tell
any of us that none of the doctors were there.
they were all in some meeting or something. so everyone was super pissed and
i had to reschedule my appointment to thursday at 9:30am otherwise i would
not be able to see him until may.
fuckin' a.
9:30am is ridiculously early for me not to mention it was already a pain in
the ass for jason and i to get there today, and i psyche myself up to go and
all that. gah.
jason has a doctor's appointment today at 2:30pm to see if he needs antibiotics
for whatever it is we are both sick with.
i hope he does not need antibiotics because that would mean i need them, too.
and i hate going to the doctor, and i cannot afford it and i hate antibiotics.
and tomorrow there is a random check of people's apartments of this building
because the mortage company needs to do this for some reason. like to make
sure we all have stoves or refrigerators or some such nonsense.
at least i found out it's not the fire department, which is way better.
but still, this means i have to clean my house today, even tho i am so tired
and sick i can barely lift a finger.
i shouldn't give a shit what strangers think of the mess of my house. but
i just do. i don't want them coming in here and inspecting my oven and thinking
"gross".
i hate strangers in my house.
hate it hate it hate it hate it.
i do not like inspections of where i live. it feels very yucky to me. i wish
i just had a house where no one would bother me.
i should just be able to live my life without strangers peeering in to may
sure things are up to some sort of standard.
fuck, i am NOT IN THE MOOD!
and i am SICK!
and then the uncertainty of not knowing if they will even inpect at all, and
if they do what TIME will it be.
well, it's just a whole day that is completely fucked for me.
wondering when and if strangers are coming over and wondering what they will
inspect and feeling just anxiety about it.
i need one of those plastic gag vomits to stick in front of my door.
and put some sort of biohazard sticker on my doorknob.
i guess today is the 1st day of spring.
it doesn't feel like it.
it felt mor like spring in january.
the weather is so screwed up.
sorry to be such a downer, but if
you were as sick as i am for 8 days straight, and then had to go into a massively
dirty kitchen and clean for hours, you'd not be in the best of moods either.
i swear when i am done being sick i will make it up to you.
+++
Horoscope for Aries (March 20 2006)
http://my.horoscope.com/gethoroscope.asp?day=20&month=3&year=2006&sign=1
A negative aspect from the moon, which moves into Sagittarius today, will affect your mood significantly, making you more prone to arguments. An injection of excitement into your routine will improve your mood, as will burning some of that energy off in a gym or through a brisk run.
and
Fierce struggles **
This can be a time for creatively transforming the world around you, or it
can be a time of fierce power struggles and disagreements. These are the two
poles that this influence swings between. It arouses your ambitions and makes
you want to get ahead. Your energy level is very high, and you can use it
to get a lot of work done. But unfortunately you will have a tendency to go
about your work in such a way that you arouse great opposition from the people
you confront. Or you may have to confront someone else's energies, which may
result in your taking a different course of action from what you originally
intended. The energies of this influence can also lead to being the victim
of someone else's ruthlessness. Therefore you should avoid dangerous places
and violent people.
The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Square Pluto exact at 08:44
activity period from 18 March 2006 to 22 March 2006.
and
You Rams are going to be at the top of your game with the Sun moving through your sign for the next four weeks. The excitement of the season is in the air, even if the weather is still cool. You can sense the buzz everywhere. Let spring fever heat up your imagination as you begin to imagine the possibilities ahead, even if your current situation isn't everything you desire.
and
Monday
Moon into Sagittarius 00:43am PST
Sun into Aries 10:26am PST
This week begins with the flame. A Moon in Sagittarius and the Sun in the
morning shifting into Aries; spring for the northern hemi and autumn for the
south. People often identify these two as their favorite seasons, mild compared
to the harsh season we're coming out of and signaling change. Either the shift
from the grips of winter or summer. These are the seasons of change planting
or harvest. We are in the middle of the eclipse cycle that began on the 14th
and will culminate with the solar eclipse on the 29th. This will be both moon
and sun in Aries so the tuning to this cardinal sign energy is vital as soon
as possible. The power of the mind to accelerate the sensation in the body
shouldn't be overlooked.
With both the sun and moon in fire signs we can accelerate the process of this waning eclipsed moon. What are the areas that you want to learn in, where would you like to travel? It doesn't have to be a physical destination, but unless you check in with where you are you'll never figure out where you're going.