march 17th , 2006
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2:46pm

i did ask my shrink if he would call in 3 days of my meds for me.
and he did.
i'm glad i got him to do that because damn, i don't know to be withdrawing from my medications on top of being so ill.
it was making me feel like i was in hell.
jason is going to give me a ride there later to pick them up.
*whew*
i'm going to go lay back down now.
i don't know how it is i can keep losing my stomache when i haven't even eaten barely a thing in 2 days.
i just want to get well!!!
sorry i don't have anything interesting to say.
i'm just sick, and that is all.
there is nothing i can do but just lay there and hope to heal.
i can't bare to take any more cold medicine of any kind.

i want it to be spring. and i want to be feeling robust, vibrant, and creative. i want to be filled with joy and motivation.
and eat a huge delicious salad.

11:29pm

oh fuck, it's saint patrick's day.
that is what all that noise is out there.
argh!

10:53am

i'm still sick, surprise.
whatever this is i have it sure has knocked me on my ass.
i've never had a cold , if that is what this is, that is this brutal.
thank god i have been mostly physically healthy, all my life.
mentally...well, that is another ballgame, but i can say that, although i am not a physical dynamo, as in physical activity/sports oriented, i have never been a "sickly" person.
i have a pretty strong fortitude. kind of like the pooka dog.
the pooka dog is a delicate being, but he has fortitude.

but this, whatever the fuck this is i have...the bird flu...
it SUCKS.

and i can't get a good night's sleep. i just can't get comfortable.
add on top of that , i had my period this whole time, so i had to deal with that.
and then also i have run out of amitriptyline, my migraine medication that i take everyday (ok, so that is the ONE thing that is physically sickly about me...i forgot about that, thanks to amitryptiline...i get migraines during my period if i do not take that medication everyday)
so, i am out of that a few days ago.
and it has a sedative effect, although you get used to it after awhile so it doesn't really affect you any more.
but when you go off cold turkey, it is nervewracking.
so ya, withdrawal. not like painful horrible terrible, but as in...just..uncomfortable and anxiety.
and i'm anxious anyway.
and i'm running out of xanax.
i see my shrink on monday so i am just hoping i can tough it out until then.i guess i really could call in now and ask if he could call in a few days meds to get me through until monday but i feel like a weirdo to do that, although i know it isn't weird.
i dunno...

so anyway, i'm still sick, i'm withdrawing from amitriptyline...i'm taking less xanax than i usually take because i am running low and so that is hard, so i just can't sleep and my mind is racing and i cannot get comfortable in my skin.

i just need to make it through this weekend and then i know i will be alright.
i am counting down the hours.

so, as you see me laying in bed, seemingly peaceful, it is hardly the case.
my mind is racing with 700 ideas of how to do my movie.
i have switched my cam to black and white now because i need to start seeing in black and white, because my movie is in black and white.
i figure i should get used to what works and what doesn't work with black and white, and so one of the ways to do that is to have my cam black and white and see the world through that.
i think in vivid colour so it's a bit of a switch.

i also need to start watching black and white movies.
and i need to storyboard this muther out.
what is in my head and what can be realistically done are 2 different things and i need to rectify that.
so i need to learn, and simplify and work very hard.
but i can't work too hard because i am sick.
this is VERY frustrating to me.

there are so many details to things.
i won't bore you with it now.
and also i am too sick to type it all out.
but damn, there are details.

i wish someone would just give me a shot of morphine.
i just want to be asleep for 3 days straight and then wake up all ready to "do it"

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http://www.ana2.com/private/swasslideshow/

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Horoscope for Aries (March 17 2006)

Be prepared to give up some of your spare time or spare cash today, because it's more than likely that you'll be asked to help out for a noble cause. While this might not appeal it will provide an opportunity to meet some new and interesting people, and who knows where that might lead?

and

Discordant moods
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day certain energies are at a high level. Probably you will feel quite physically energetic and want to accomplish a great deal. However, your energies may not be working very smoothly, because different areas of your life are working against each other now. You will have to work hard to develop harmony between your home and professional life, your conscious and unconscious personality, and your mind and feelings. You can accomplish a great deal as long as you don't get carried away by conflicts in these areas. In truth, for your life to work smoothly now, both sides of the areas mentioned above must be working together. Discordant moods can create difficulties in relationships at this time, especially if you are having any kind of internal emotional struggle.

and

Your typical daily schedule may be disrupted by your need to take care of pressing emotional issues. You might feel that others are imposing their will on you, since you'd rather stick with your normal routines. But the more you try to return to your normally scheduled program, the more reality pressures you to deal with things that could get totally out of control if not addressed.

and

Friday
Sun square Pluto 3:05am PST PISCES-SAGITTARIUS
Moon void of course 8:31am PST
Moon into Scorpio 2:59pm PST

The Sun and Pluto form one of the three squares of the year. Like all outer planet aspects it isn't just at this moment but takes a few days to play out. It's putting the energy of intuition against the group will, that can be tough if you're not seeing eye to eye with the fanatics running the show. Instead of dismissing them out of hand we can look for the source in their motivations. As if governments and corporations were individuals, how would you perceive their actions?

In the afternoon the Moon moves into Scorpio and we have the cupboard of secrets opened up. Already the eclipse has done this so now it goes to a deeper level, we can also see other's cupboards. Secrets are funny things, by definition they don't exist because somebody knows them, so when entrusted with a secret first actualize if you even want to know, if someone says, "don't tell so and so but?" you can politely ask why they don't want to tell them and why they need to tell you. Usually secrets are just juicy and it's the lower part of our being that wants to be in the know, we derive a shallow sense of power from knowing something others don't. When tempted to be the one telling the secret remember that if you say something about someone that you don't say to them you deprive yourself of integrity and them of how you really feel.