march 14th , 2006
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http://www.ana2.com/private/swasslideshow/

9:43pm

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i made the show to the wedding present last night. i'm paying for it now,
tho, because i have a temperature of 101 degrees.
i'm a hurting unit.
but SO far it was worth it because i had a marvelous time!
and it was not packed like sardines which i thought it would be.
we actually got a table and i could sit.
and i got the set list at the end for jason :)
i think it was not packed because of all the snow.
it was weird to see so much snow as we have had barely any this year.
all winter (with the exception of a few weeks) felt like spring or fall.
so it was almost alien to wade through the inches and inches of snow and slush.
winter like it used to be.
my cough has been so bad that to breathe or talk makes me going into a coughing fit.
so exhausting! *swear words*
i don't know what it is i have.
i don't think i have ever had a sickness that started out as a terrible cough.
usually the cough comes last.
i'm nor stuffed up, i just feel utterly like shit, it hurts to breathe or talk and i have a temperature.
*meow meow*
feel sorry for me.
when i am sick i like sympathy, like "poooorrrrrr little kitty kat"
and that makes me feel better.
i'm pretty low maintenance when i am sick (usually), but i do love the "ohhhh poor poor creature!" thing.
so if anyone of you would like to virtually pet me on the head like i am a sad bedraggled kitten in the rain, please do so now :)
hehe :)
i can't even remember when was the lst time my temperature was this high.
between the temperature, the cold medicine and all, i feel quite bizarre, but i am basically fine, mentally.

so all night long (at the wedding present) i just put my hand to my throat, silently, and gestured that i had laryngitis and could not speak.
i must say that was a TRIAL for me to not speak!
i had SO much to say and add to everyone's conversations but i just had to let it go. and that was harder for me to do than i thought it would be.
finally i resorted to writing letters of the alphabet on jason's hand to say what i needed to say a few times.
but even that was not working very well :)
it was a puzzle to be sure!
i know i talk a LOT, but it made me realize even more how much i talk and how much of my identity is wrapped up in it.
i am a walking wikipedia.
a plethora of information and stories.
and so when people would be talking about something i had something to say about,
and i could not add anything to it it was VERY frustrating for me.
but as frustrating as it was, i was interested by the challenge and how it forced me to interact (or not interact at all) , in a new way.
i would like to explore not talking at all more.
because i think i seem to define myself, in part, by how much *I FEEL* i can add to a conversation. which is rather narcissitic....
but actually it's TRUE that i DO have a lot of fascinating things (i think :) to add to conversations and it really fill me with joy to share it all.
it's not that i need to be the center of attention (like ost people would assume), it's really just that i have so much information in me that i think is useful or at the very least interesting and amusing...and it's hard for me not to add me exciteent and knowledge for the subject at hand.
if i am forced to not be able to share my plethora of information, i feel a huge piece of me is lost.
i need to let that go and explore silence more, just to see what would happen.
i think what i would find out is that the world is, indeed, just fine without me because you can't miss what you don't know is there. it was fine wihtoh me before and will be fine after.

just passing though...

it's humbling. and i'm grateful for the experience to explore myself as silent.

i've always been intrigued by that challenge.
i've always wante to take one of those "vow of silence" things for a year.
maybe i should try it for a week or a month and see what happens.

it's hard to put into words right now (no pun intended)

it's hard for me to not "pipe in" when i feel the conversation is lacking in (what i feel) are vital points from one particular angle.
but you know, not everyone is interested in looking at everything from every angle.
and i need to accept that and let it go and let people follow their own path.

it made me very sad and frustrated.
but i think it was meant to be that i could not speak that night because i listened to this guy who is miserable with his life, beyond miserable, and has 3 children, one of them 3 and one 8, and i can't remember the age of the other one, but they are all close in age. all daughters.
but he "gave in" to his wife to have 3 children because "she would not have it any other way".
(like he did not have a say?)
now he resents this very much and he is overloading his mind. swallowed up by it all.
the trapped feeling.
i find it sad that he felt he had no choice in this matter. putting the blame on his wife.
you really should NOT have children (in general) if your heart is not into it, sure there should be compromise in relationships...but when it comes to bringing another human life into this earth, a living breathing entity....
that is not compromising like what colour the living room walls should be (although i would argue that is crucial, too)
but please please do not have babies if you are not prepared YOURSELF to BE THERE 777% for these little humans. you are ALL THEY HAVE.
i'm sure (but not positive , of course) that these children are picking up on how unwanted they are from their father and how much he resents them and feels disconnected from them.
i can't say for sure because i do not know this person (or the childrem..so this is my EXTREMELY fast insta-judgent), but just judging from that converation alone (which is a fraction of the picture, i understand) i don't think he realizes what an important role he plays in this.
things are not what they seem.
but he is their DAD. it's CRUCIAL.
even if i could talk, i'm 99.99% sure i would not have said anything.
because he was very closed, and what do i know?
i am neither a father or a mother.
i would have kept my mouth shut, but at another level i wanted to shake him from his self.
and say DO YOU SEE WHAT POWER YOU BEHOLD?
this is not compromising on where to put the couch!
these are tiny living beings that HE (1/2) made, i'm sad to witness that he felt they had NOTHING to offer him
(and i do NOT like children (generally...another long story for another day), which is why i do not have any...but man, if i had a child, you can bet your bottom dollar, i would not put someone's life in MY hands lightly.
when you are an adult and a father or mother you need to SUCK IT UP and rise to the occasion.
these are HUMAN BEINGS, our blood. it's nothing to complain about like the colour of curtains or you wish you had such and such a car.
not like you can EVER be "perfect" and be "super mom or super dad"
but if your dad RESENTS you, a child will pick on on tha and , quite possible shape thier life from tines to come.

and if ever i accidentally had a child (but i'll stick with dogs!), you can bet your bottom dollar i would rise to the occasion and support them and LOVE them, and yes, it WOULD be a pain in the ass full of torture.
but that is just the way it is.
and so you need to just recognize that and rise to the occasion.
easier sadi than done, i know.
by far..times infinity.


anyway, long story short, it broke my heart, but i had it let it go.
i was very happy that there was another guy from who had EXCELLENT advice for him.
and i think he needed to hear it from a man who has experience in these matters.
i hope he finds a way and his children, too.
i do believe we pick our parents (dammit!)
so, there is a rhyme and reason for this but it might not be clear until 50 years later.
i could go on and on about this but i will stop here because i have to sleep now.
but man, when you have children, it is quite a sacred "pact" more than any other pact there is (that i know of)

i'll stop here, i'm being over emotional and inarticulate. (surprise surprise)
blame it on the full moon jarring against my nature.but it an opportunity to face things.
and i am grateful for that.
if anyone could follow my train of thought on that...i commend you.
i think outloud, as usual.

don't hold me to ANYTHING i say.
nothing is set in stone.
tomorrow i will be completly different.
this is just where i am , partially, tonight.

and maybe this sounds like i am in a bad way.
i'm NOT.
i'm actually feeling very fortunate.
i ramble...
it's what i do from time to time time :)

it's just ONE of the many things i think about.

night all.

ana

p.s.

today i rewatched the last 2 episodes of last season's sopranos so i could re-remember what was going on, since it's been several years since there was a new sopranos.
even belle and sebastian anounced on stage that we were all missing the sopranos (of course, it was worth it)
and some screamed to the audience "IT REPEATS AT 11pm!!!!!"
and we all laughing and one of the girls in the band was VERY happy to hear this.
now it's on cable "on demand" so i watched it at jason's.
and then i saw the new one.
and i must say it was an AMAZING season opener, i screamed a few times, eyes wide, and in all honesty there is a scene it in it that was so brutal, i actually quite sincerely wish i had not seen.
i really don't want that image in my head.
BRUTAL!!!
although it was crucial to the storyline, they really went that extra mile to make it as realistic and disturbing as you could.
and bravo for that, maybe ...but god, do i really need the image of that in my mind forever more?
i'm trying not to say too much because i don't want to ruin it for you for those who have not seen it yet and plan to.

i really have so much more to say but i will have to say it later because right now it is just way to raw for me, and me being so sick right now, i just can't go there and write about it yet.
but it has to do with converations i had with my dad and my mom's husband, very very inense.

i'm crawling into bed now and i hope i sleep ok.
i really hope i sleep for 12 hours , uninterupted.
i need that very very much.
i'm all grogged out on cold medicine.

more later...

+++

Horoscope for Aries (March 14 2006)

The moon will continue to exert its negative influence today. You may think that you're in the right over an argument with a friend, but rethink and you'll find you've got the wrong end of the stick. Some Blue Lace Agate will help bring out your softer side and chamomile tea will soothe the stress!

and

Show your injuries *
During this time a particular sore point of yours is disturbed, a sensitivity or vulnerability that you may not be aware of. So it may well be that you react as you have perhaps always reacted to such situations: You are distressed, hurt, you distance yourself and forget the incident as quickly as possible. If you do not react by withdrawing as you usually do, but instead show that you have been hurt, you will earn the freedom to behave differently in this, for you, typical situation. That is, of course, easier said than done, but this influence offers you an outstanding opportunity to stand far enough outside yourself to show your own injuries. If you recognize the situation in question and react to it, you will win new strength and confidence.

and

Your emotional sense isn't as clear as you think, so don't trust your instincts today. Chances are that you are blowing a fantasy out of proportion. Don't give up trying to work your way back to reality. You can eventually find the truth if you are willing to move your attention back and forth, between your dreams and what you know as reality.

and

Tuesday
Mercury trine Jupiter 1:10pm PST PISCES-SCORPIO
Moon opposite Sun 3:35 PST VIRGO-PISCES
Moon void of course 8:32pm PST

The full moon, an eclipse combining Virgo and Pisces rules the day and the week. Mercury in Pisces trines Jupiter in Scorpio a couple of hours before the eclipse, lending a sense of expansion and internal communication. Sometimes messages from the dreams and subconscious can seem convoluted or just outright strange and without context. That's if we try to interpret them in our waking vision. Try and free them from this look at them as a great art film you saw, digest it slowly and don't try and draw a border around it.

Eclipses always come in pairs, so having the full Moon first means we go through the waning cycle to get to the solar eclipse, new moon and renewal. We have the light of the Pisces Sun reflected back to us, just a blink in time if traveling at light speed but never the less still it's a bit of time travel. This combination of the mental and the intuitive can be potent and unusual for those without Pisces placements. Absorb all and then digest, just like food, it takes a lot of chewing to get all the nutrients.

Everything that happens inside this eclipse cycle, that is 14 days, will have influence until the next one. Each time the moon moves past these degrees each month until September when the next eclipse pairing happens. So issues, projects, relationships, careers, vocations, well just life as we know it can be condensed into this cycle. There is no time like the present to be who, what and where you want to be. It starts deep in the being as a sense and works it's way to the mind and then actions by the body. It can be simultaneous if we really work and play on braiding them together.

 

++

 

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