march 10th , 2006
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10:28pm

the show in athens, ohio:
the 1st 3 pictures might have not made it through. i just sort of held the ball until i thought it started.

 

10:25pm

bits after the show

10:10pm

the show before the show, which i think was maybe actually better than the actual show.

 

10:00pm

screwing around befroe the show to see what i wanted to do
and how i wanted to do it.
lighting, effects, poses..

 

6:57pm

holy crap, the time snuck up on me and i have my show. thank god they are running a little late.
so i have my show about 8:30pm for me.
9:30pm for them.
i'm scrambling to get things ready.
i don't even know exactly what i will do.
i just want to do something that is not intense.

3:50pm

it's 54 degrees out and we took the dogs for a walk and they are all tuckered out.
it is very wet out there and all there little paws aer dirty so i'm glad i did not put clean sheets on my bed yet.

we walked to the river and a man who looked like an eskimo or something came up to us because of the dogs, and he was all super happy and saying cute things in another language that i don't knw what it was.
but dogs are the universal "key" to all lannguages so i could tell by the expressions on his face what he was conveying :)
dogs bring people of all "tribes" together. they extend beyond language, race, class, culture...they just bring a universal joy out of everyone, a language we can all understand.
i am truly blessed to be in the presence of these earth creatures all day and night :) they are pure joy and love in physical form.

the guy shook our hands and it was ncie to have jason with me so i didn't feel any need to talk or say anything or feel in fear.
he offered us some of his very potent alcohol that he was carrying around in his pocket as gesture of friendship but we, of course, declined.
i wish i could remember what he said his name was , it was very unusual, like imadu or something.
i was trying to place what nationality and language he was saying and although i don't knwo what portuguese sounds, like that was my 1st guess.
i'm so american it's embarrassing to not know.
my 1st thought is that he looked like he was from the most southern part of south america that it starts to get cold again, but i think it was maybe just his parka that made him look so "eskimo".
or maybe he really was eskimo and he was from alaska or northern canada. maybe he was innuit. and then maybe i thought he looked like he was mongolian, because he had such asian features to his face.
he was small and had a very kind face.
his hands were very tan and rough from the weather but they were kindly looking.
i can always tell a lot about a person by looking at their hands, i know that sounds weird. but i can, usually.
just like you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their eyes or choice in footwear.

i wish i could just scan a person with a special scanner to know their story. i'm sure that person had many interesting stories to tell.

jason didn't agree that there was probably anything worthwhile t be gained from hi because of his current position of being , what appeared to be, a homeless drunk.
but i disagree and think he could be the leader of a great nation someday.
you just can never know.
that could have been the second coming of christ in disguise, if you believe in that sort of thing.

if we really are living in a hologram and this is a sort of reality game, and you wanted to hide some really important information, i would definitely hide it in that guy.
he could almost be like an easter egg sleeper cell in the game of life, and the reason he had to be drunk for a period of time is because it was the only way to keep all that information in him without it spilling out into the wrong hands.
and then after the apocolypse is over, he "wake up" from his "state" and delivers the rest of who is living very important key pieces of information for survival or rebooting the earth planet system.

i'm not saying that is why *I* drink, btw.
THAT most certainly is NOT the reason :)

i'm just saying, one can really never know why things are the way they are. you can never REALLY judge a book by it's cover or tell the end of the story from it.
things are constantly morphing and changing and anything is possible.
you can do a "readout" as much as possible from all the current information you can gather from all angles, but all it takes is one thing to change everything, sometimes.

maybe this is a terrible flaw in me, again, that i can see the shining potential in some people and i'd rather think about that than zone in on their current position.

for instance, jason dryly said i should have him over for tea.
because in the past, i have had "questionable" people over to my house for "tea".
crazy people, homeless people, crazy homeless people, crazy homeless prostitutes. i can't help but be completely curious and fascinated by how they got into their current position and what they do all day and if they have any plans to go anywhere else or something. i don't know. it's just way more fascinating to ME than the secretary down the street.
although i have talked to plenty of those, too. by from my experience, most secretaries do not have anything very interesting to say, to ME. just my personal preference for a story is all.

once in awhile you get the "sleeper cell" secretary who is some sort of wild card underneath it all. but that is rare, in my experience.

i'm more into the 4 foot tall 90 year old man who is trying to create his own false teeth and has a childlike obsession with "why do birds fly?" after all these years.


or drunken eskimo man who maybe was some great king in some past life and now is wandering the desert landscape of frozen minnesota skyway systems. how did he get here?
did he come by land or by sea or by air?
he made a gesture that he has a 3 foot tall dog...

this is , by far, more interesting to me than the secretary who talks about who so and so is dating at the office and they all meet at the local
"fine dining at a reasonable price" chain on the weekends to relax and gossip.

and maybe this is my downfall.
because of my wild imagination and love of an unusual story, even if it is very brief like "i fell off a boat, found a big dog, and slip under a bridge".

i never can just see it as 'the drunk homeless man" who i should NOT invite over because he is a drunk and homeless man.
my upbringing has taught me that this is NOT a good choice.
and i guess i just have to question everything and say WHY?
why is it NOT a good choice to invite the drunk homeless man over for tea?

is it because once you bring them over they are going to go psycho on you?
is it because they will try to steal from you or what?
sure, it can be hard to get them to leave sometimes.
but that can be said about a lot of people.
everyone has their quirks.

maybe i am a terrible judge of character.
or maybe i am a good judge of character, but like the pooka dog, i just want to believe that everyone has a good side that you can bring out of them if you just give it some light to shine.

maybe i am a sucker for a lost cause.
maybe i have a saviour complex.
maybe i am a glutton for punishment.
maybe i just want to give everyone a chance because that is all i want for me, too.
like do unto others as you would like done unto you and all that sort of thing i was taught.

the problem is, is that not everyone plays by this rule.
and not everyone understands my good intentions.
and just because i feel like sharing the joy, like the pookadog, that does mean everyone else does , too.

and so i have to be careful of who i let into my life because either my doors are completely shut or they are completely open and there seems to be no inbetween.
i really hate inbetween. i hate the middle ground.
but i have to learn balance and good judgement.
i have to learn , maybe, that just because i can see great potential in the drunk homeless eskimo doesn't mean i should invite him over for tea.
because he isn't AT his potential at the moment, it would appear, and so i should wait until he has reached it before i have him over for tea?

but how is he ever going to reach his potential if no one opens up their hands to him? or is that just his problem and not mine and i should just learn to look the other way like everyone else does?

certainly i am no mother teresa and i'm not going to wash him, look out for him, feed him, teach him how to fish or get him an apartment. all i really have to offer, all i really want to offer, is to show that person that they are an interesting and valuable member of the human race and not to forget that.
i just like to wind the little light bits out like a fisherman and the go "see?". look what is inside you, imagine what you could do with that?

i think the problem is is that i do that, and people mistake that to mean something else. like they think the light bits i took out and showed them are really mine and they are starving all of a sudden and did nt even know it and give them and inch and they take a mile scenario. and they try to eat me alive in a frenzy.

like the guy in the hosue who would not let me go because if he did "he would never see me again".
i must have shown him SOMETHING that he thought he could never have again ever if he lost me. because i have that unfortunate ability to completely merge with someone when i am drunk and i think that scares the shit out of people and they don't know what happened to them and they either try to then kill for seeing inside their soul or they try to trap me and keep me like a butterfly.

and so what i have to do is not do that.
not in that way.
it's a good ability to have but it's not something to fuck around with while drunk.
i have to learn to hone that ability and put it to good use not just random use haphazardly on other poor drunken lost souls.

some very very few people i have met in my life in "that way" have "gotten" what that was about and what i did and what that meant.
and it was really valuable for me to receive feedback on that in a positive way so i could actually "see" what i was doing, too.
and i can go "ohhhh, that wasn't just "all in my mind", i really DID reach in there and "do something".
and so i know it is a real thing.

bobby z can do it. that is one of the reasons he fascinates me so much.
he has the whole jedi thing down and i don't know how he does it.
he odesn't really know how he does it either because i have asked him to explain to me how he does it and he cannot. he just knows he can do it.
and he does it consciously.
he can reach right into the very core of you and "say something" to you that way.
it's quite intense.

the first time he did it to me and i felt him do it and when he "pulled out" from his eyes he looked at me very intensely and said
"who ARE you???"

and from that moment we had a deep respect for each other.
because he realized i was not a "worker bee". his term for people just going through the motions of life.
he told me the only other person he felt "the same energy" from was Prince. and i think that is why he became my manager because i was the only other person besides prince that he could not "identify" or "summarize" and this fascinated him.
and he was one of the very few people who could "see me", at least from that angle, and so that fascinated me.
and so we had a relationship based on that...that and the fact that he loved my music and wanted to make money from it :)

he only keeps people in his life who are useful to him somehow.
and when i changed frequency over to the cam, he could not "see me" anymore and we parted ways.

i hope i can get back on the music frequency again and that he will be interested because i really miss him.

david kahne was the other person who could "scan me" in the most intriguing of ways. but i never could scan him back. he is a fortress. it was so frustrating but he showed me many things and brought a lot of "shiny things" out of me.
ohhhhhh! i FINALLY get it now, that was the reason i loved him so much and wanted him so much is because of what he brought out of me. i made the mistake of thinking that only he had the key to show me these things, when actually these things are mine.
when i fell in love with his brilliance, i was only falling in love with my potential he was bringing out of me.

very interesting.

and like a silk cocoon it unravels....

anyway, i see now that i cannot just throw my energy willy nilly everywhere hoping that somewhere it will "stick".
although sometimes it can be fun to do in a "spin the bottle" sort of way.
or maybe a "russian roulette" sort of way.
i am the explorer and the seeker of hidden treasures.
but i should not go eeni meeni mini mo...when deciding where to dig.
although sometimes that is as good a choice as any, it seems at the time.

because, in the end, all roads lead to rome, and yada yada.

but i think i'd rather take not such a treacherous path.

i had terrible dreams last night about trying to escape some rapist that was dressed up in a black and white clown suit that held one black balloon.

there was a puppet show in this place where at one point in the puppet show it would be revealed a terrible women mess of a crime that had happened to a woman or several women.
it was woven out of something like wicker....a violent sculpture of a women chopped up into little pieces.
this was videotaped and sent to me by a "fan" with one black balloon.

i knew this meant that this man or boy was coming to reenact this on me for real, and i had to get out of the house right then and there because the videotape was a trick to make me watch it and so then keep me fixated on the tv for just enough time for him to make his move into my house and by the time i had finished the tape to see the ending, he would have arrived into position to reeanct on me what i had just watched.

i realized this in the nick of time and so did not watch it until the end because i realized the trick.
i knew i had already watched a large portion of it, tho, and so that meant he was very nearly almost in position.

in fact, he was at my door and the black balloon had made it in the door so far but not him.

i tried to make myself as flat as possible as to not even take up any space even enough to make a shadow.

i had to become completely 2 dimensional but as soon as i did this it became almost impossible to navigate my way out of my house because i could not see in 3 dimensions anymore.
my flat 2 dimensional body creeped through the house and the doors and stairs like a shadow would , but not even enough substance to be that.

i finally made it out of the hosue and i ran and ran and ran and ran down the dark street into the night hoping to see someone or something friendly to help me.
no one knew anything. i could not find any cops.
no one would dial any cops for me.
i finally ran into the puppet show that had been videotaped and sent to me.
people were waiting in line to see it.
i saw the black balloons and i thought aha! if only i can get a list of who has bought black ballons recently i can get a list of possible suspects of the guy who wants to rape and mutilate me and i can whittle it down from there.
but 50 people had bought black balloons so far that day, it was impossible to narrow it down.

then it finally dawned on me that it was probably someone involved with the puppet show itself who was the criminal.

and i thought aha how clever of them to hide in plain site for me.
so completely obvious that i could not see the forest for the trees. and i felt quite silly.
maybe it was even the guy who was selling the black balloons that was the guy.

and here i thought i was being so clever and they were being so helpful, all the while they had a perfect eye on me as i tried to sort out who the person was.

now this seems like a perfectly obvious "duh, hammer of the head" dream.
if a clown in black and white with black balloons is after you...
the place selling the black balloons with the puppet show which is a recreation of a death someone has in mind for you is NOT a good place to go figure out who is trying to kill you.
i mean duh.
they are probably, a good chance, in on it somehow and i shouldn't ponder about the black balloons with the salesman of the black balloons.

like somtimes it is what it is.
if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably has something to do with the duck.

like maybe sometimes the drunk homeless man is just the drunk homeless man?

lesson:
stay away from black balloons and things that look bad.
duh times infinity.
there is nothing behind the puppet show but perhaps your killer.

also, spending too much time watching videos tapes about a potential death that may happen to you, may be the one thing that actually causes the event to happen.

as in, you create your own reality.
whaqt you pay attention to becomes realized if you give it enough time.

i knew all this before, obviously, but i seem to be one of those people that needs bricks thrown at their head to get the fact that bricks are hard and hurt your head and you cannot just walk through them like water like some sort of jedi master just because you want to.....YET.

okokokok. i am moving away from the black balloons.
and videotapes of my possible death scenarios.

the clown was black and white because there is good and bad in everyone. but he was only holding BLACK balloons.
i don't know if anyone else get the symbolism of that, but i do.
and i guess that is all that really matters because it is my dream.

the symbolism of that really helps me see things better.
how people can be both good and bad and i can see that,
but i have to notice that they are holding only black balloons.
it's a symbol i can "feel".

when i meet people i am going to try and "see" what colour balloons they are carrying. because although the potential for white balloons is there, they are only holding black ones.

interesting to note that the death scene that was woven in wicker was painted white.
i really don't know what that means.
but i really don't care what colour it was, it was just godawful in any colour.
maybe it was actually black wicker that was spray painted white.
something very bad trying to masquerade as good.

i'm really glad to be almost done with this swas tour now.
i want to do something positive tonight.
i cannot hold on to all that rage and death anymore for all the injustices done to women.
i have to end it on a good note because it was quite literally, almost killing me to do those shows.
i don't want to do shows like that anymore.
i feel like bjork felt after doing dancer in the dark.
jsut no more of that for me please.
i'll stick to music.
it's too dark a place to go, and to hold that...
it's funny now that i think of it that really it was me who is the clown dressed up every night in balck and white.
i was thinking about the black and white tights i wear and the symbolism of them as i put them on for my last show i had.
and how they represented good and evil and yin/yang.
and there is a reason that clowns are often seen wearing such tights, or witches.

i have a lot of respect for actors who can play those parts and then regain themselves afterwards.
like lili taylor. how does she do it?
what a master!

tonight i hold white balloons.

it could be the killer in the dream was me, since i am the one dressing as a black and white clown every night.
and i am the one who was holding the black balloons.
maybe it was me who created the death scene in wicker and sent the videotape to myself. i am my own killer.
very true on so many levels.

i don't want to play that game anymore.
it got too real, didn't it?

i must be very careful what i focus my attention upon.

still i wonder about the loss of the bracelet.
i knew that was energy i needed to get rid of.
but why like THAT?
like in my dream i had where i was in a mobile home and we were being held captive by being made to believe that we were only heads with no body and then i realized i did have a body and i tried to kill the "mad scientist" who was keeping us there by pretending to seduce him and then i could could get him into a position where i could bite his balls off and therefore incapacite him long enough to get out of there. the mad scientist who was keeping us all captive was bobby z, i did not say.
because i was just like...huh? why would i feel so violent towards bobby z?
although in the end i did allow him to put me into some situations that deeply wounded me and i'm still a little pissed about that.
but the dream was obviously precognitive about what happened to me.

and my bracelet is definitely connected with bobby z.
and for some reason the only way i could get rid of that energy was like a wolf biting off it's own foot to free itself from a trap?

i could not ever disoconnect myself from that time and that dream and that love for that time, and all that energy.
the only way i could make myself part with it was to put myself in a position where i would have to have it violently removed?

WHY?
because i am that much of a chicken shit to let go of energy?
yes, i guess so.
i really hold on to things to the point of absolute ridiculousness, don't i? until i have to create a violent situation to have "other people" remove it for me.

just WTF is THAT about?
how stupid is that?
i will have to really look long and hard on that.
but not too long and hard.because like the videotape, i really don't want to watch it anyore and create any more weird ass situations for myself.

2:25pm

today i am making courageous choices.
and i am proud of myself even tho i am scared.

i wish i could save all these videos:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=tuaj66KQ9HY&search=john%20foxx

early ultravox (1979!) when john foxx was still in it, doing "hiroshima mon amour" live on the old grey whistle test (they always have the weirdest names for shows in england).
i LOVE this song so much. and want to cover it.
to see them playing it..this is so wonderful.

12:49pm

good things and bad things.

bad thing:
instead of waking up today and seeing my bank balance in the positive as it SHOULD be, it is more in the negative with one more 33.00 overdraft fee.
so now i am -58 in the bank.
SUCKFEST.

but i know money should be in there any minute now. still.
SUCKFEST.

and all over $4. just watching 2 episodes of project runway on itunes.
cost me $68.00 for that.
unfucking real.

but it's just digits and just move on move on move on.

i still ahve food here and jason is bringing me a coke, bless his heart, and maybe my cheque from lionbrand came today, i can only hope.

my life is a feng shui nightmare but i am determined to get back on track.

good thing:
fuzzy informed me there are tons more john foxx videos on youtube.com and there is!
JOY!
and they don't suck like ultravox videos do.
they actually look cool and sparse, the way i imagined they should be.
just think bill nelson talks to john foxx and john foxx talk to bill nelson.
dreamy.

if only i could go back in time and put all these high cheek boned new romantic english men in suits in one room...i would....be very happy :)

who would i put in the room?

david bowie, john foxx, bill nelson, davis sylvian, steve jansen, nick rhodes, peter murphy (although i don't knwo if peter murphy wore suits, i would make him wear one). i know there is more but i can;t think right now.
but i would like to play with them like mannequins and take pictures of them.

and another good thing, i saw the TINIEST bit of pink today when i peed which means my period is FINALLY on it's way. it is a few days.
the day i bleed everything will be good.
cash will flow also.

everything is just clogged right now.
i'm ready to bleed.
i am so ready.

jason is here with a red bull for me and he is playing with the dogs.

we are going to take the dogs out for a walk today because
it's finally nice enough and jason is home during the day because he is on a vacation until thursday (even tho he still has to work during this vacation to get ready to teach his next class, but the LAST class).

so i am going to go get ready for that now.

+++

The two tracks mixed together
that goes with my cam shows for SWAS:

http://www.anacam.com/swas/anavoog.mp3

Individual tracks:
http://www.anacam.com/swas/music.mp3
http://www.anacam.com/swas/talking.mp3

+++

Horoscope for Aries (March 10 2006)

With Venus and Mars, your ruling planet, in perfect harmony today, expect the day to be full of warm feelings of well being and happiness in all aspects of your life, from family to work. But as wonderful as this is try to keep that simmering energy under control with some physical activity!

and

Weak, transient effect: This morning there is a real danger of needless disputes, irritability, emotionalism, rash action and hastiness, which may result in harm or inconvenience later. You will find it difficult to handle other people for awhile. One of the challenges now is to successfully let off steam without making an unnecessary shambles. If you frequently feel somewhat discouraged about yourself, you should be especially careful with this influence. You may see everything that comes your way as a threat and react much too defensively. If you have a bolder and more self-confident temperament, you may be inclined to act too quickly, to be hasty and overcritical of others. Or you may be accident prone. With this influence, you are not as careful as you should be, and you might hurt yourself.

and

Good intentions are not enough to find love and keep it alive. It takes hard work to make a solid relationship endure through the long haul. You may feel as if you are more isolated now than you wish, whether you are alone or in a relationship. Communication may not reignite the passion, but it is nevertheless necessary to build a foundation for the future.

and

The moon heads into the sign of the lion, stirring up passions and giving us a boost of energy that we've really needed this week. The sign of Leo is about the heart or anahatta chakra. Not just love in the earthly sense but the source of passion, the fuel behind a love for life. Leo natives are great at parties for this reason, being present and showering that energy on all around, charming by way of just channeling the divine spark. Yeah they like to look in the mirror but love loves love. There is activity between Venus and Saturn today, with help from the moon. Time to put a moral and beautiful top spin onto the physical plane. Where is the crustiest part of your life? Can you fill it with a little zest even through it looks hopeless and just experiment? Using the opposition of Venus and Saturn can be tricky. Sometimes it feels like either or, that is abject reality or subjective dreaminess. It can blend the two and this is what our world needs most. So start with the most mundane parts of your life and infuse them with some of that beauty in every moment Venusian energy. Like taking a pee; can be an unconscious act, frustrated you even had to go, thinking about what you need to do. OR you can sink into the glory of being a mammal, take the few minutes to have a couple of breaths with yourself, realize that no matter what you're trying to accomplish or endure you still have to pee. It can be a great check in several times a day, claiming what had been an unconscious act and turning it into a puja and blessing.