march 8th , 2006
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8:49pm

jason is going to get me an egg salad sandwhich from SA.
yay :)
and then csi is on.
starting to feel slightly more normalized.

7:04pm

i cannot believe this.
for no apparent reason i cannot get in UPN, which the premiere of america's next top model is on, to work.
it's making a huge buzzing noise with a white line across it.
there is no reason it should be doing this. it's never done this before.
i just feel cursed right now.

i told swas that i would do the show tonight for them live, but there is some huge "registration process" for them to use their wireless there that annie oakley does not want to hassle with.
i'm not sure what that means or is about, but she did finally get my show downloaded from her email that i emailed her days ago that they could use whenever they could not get connected.
and so they are going to use that tonight, thank god.
and also there can be no nudity at this show either (in lewisberg pennsylvania at bucknell university)
so they asked me if there was any nudity in my images for the show i gave them because they have not been able to look at them all, and i said there is no nudity in them, which there isn't.

but i am here all ready to do a live show for them, let that be noted.

i just got out of the bath, had a somewhat good cry, i think there are several more cries in to get out.
the doctor said that methamphatamine can stay in your system for up to 3 days, i seriously do feel still a bit wigged. i mean i'd feel wigged even if i hadn't had any of that after what i went through...anyone would.
but i wonder if it's still in my system. i think it is.

jason put a tape in at his house for the show for me.
i'm really sad i cannot watch it at my house NOW.
if there ever was a time i need some good 'ol stupid tv it would be NOW.
and lost is a repeat. grrr.

5:51pm

got rid of the broken mirror and the box the lamp came in.
that was good.
more room in here.
i'm shaking all over because i have not eaten since the 6th.
i did 1/2 a cracker. and i have sugar coke.
i'm not hungry, tho.
every muscle in my entire body hurts, like i've taken on a football team.
a walk hunched over like a broken thing.
i guess that is why i wanted the broken mirror out of here.
i want everything broken out of here.
i don't want to be broken anymore.
this is not working for me, as dr. phil would say.
maybe it's good my bracelet i have been wearing since i got signed to columbia off of me.
what year was that? 1995? 1994? or something?
it held a lot of energy.
a LOT of energy. i have thought of taking it off a bunch of times, but like something i had grown accustomed to, like a part of my body, i could not do it.
it stood for the best day in my life.
the day i thought everything from that moment on would be a beautiful faerie tale.
it wasn't.
but maybe the bracelet held the hope that it might be someday again.
that it COULD be achieved, even if for only a few fleeting seconds.

losing the bracelet means losing that hope, almost.
that everything, someday, will be ok.
and that people are good.
or can be good.
that things can be alright.
it was like my wedding band to that moment in time where everything could be ok.
where the universe says "yes, you are here, you are ok, and everything is fine now, you are safe and with good people"
it was the bracelet, like the ruby shoes in the wizard of oz that if i clicked the heels just 3 times i could be home.
and that home had never left me.

losing that bracelet in a struggle for my freedom, quite possibly for my life...
is so fucking horrible.
i cannot put it into words yet.

maybe i never will.
but when i looked down at my right wrist today and saw it gone, nothing there but 2 bruises and 3 scratches in it's place...
i just cried a deep cry of death.
it felt like my key to my house was gone.
the key to my dreams.
like it was the tardis in dr. who that could bring me back home to that place and time when everything was supposed to be ok and have a happy ending.
when everyone finally "got" me.
and said "we are all here and we all support your vision and were going to make it even bigger, brighter, and more wonderful and spread it to all corners of the earth"
and i believed them.
and it was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.

i'll still have that moment.
but the bracelet is gone now.
in some fuckers house or driveway or car.

whereever you are little silver henry bendel bracelet , i hope you go to someone who loved you as much as i did....

fuck....
women cry when their wedding rings are stolen right?
it's about more than a ring, really.

but i guess it was time for it to, i rationalize.
how else can i frame something like that happening without dying with grief?
i feel silly.
it's just a fucking bracelet.
fuck.

4:39pm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amphetamine_psychosis

"Delusions, paranoia, fears about persecution, hyperactivity and panic are also reported as the most common features"

yep!

WHY would anyone take this drug on PURPOSE???

4:11pm

 

2:31pm

held captive

the knitting factory show was NOT on the 6th yesterday, the 7th.
due to...whateverness...not looking at my calendar correctly or something.
so here i thought i was playing at the knitting factory, but i was not, i was playing at the university of connecticut.
i'll be damned.

yesterday i did not have a show (at the knitting factory) because i called in sick.
a very long story.
i am SO SAD that they still were not able to download the premade show i made for them for the times they cannot get connected.
they keep saying their connection is too slow for her to get my show off of her email i don't understand. but c'est la vie.
but fuck i surely wish they could have played that show i made for them for that.
and i cannot believe i didn't read my calendar correctly and i thought the knitting factory was that night. fuck.
fuck times infinity.

they said a few changes were made to the schedule and so i went to look and the ohio date seems to have been moved from the 9th to the 10th, with no show on the 9th.
i called them to confirm this because i don't want to get another day wrong.

i still am completely pissed at myself for looking at my calendar incorrectly. i am so disappointed words cannot even convey.

i am completely fuct in the head right now.
i slept all day yesterday. i think i slept for 24 hours.
the night after my show on the 6th, which i thought was the knitting factory.
i drank a bottle of wine,
and the show had put me in a weird state of mind anyway where i was very worked up. the subject matter of my show, and that whole "it's hard for a pimp" oscar fiasco had me so angry.
that mixed with the adrenaline of my show and pissed off nature i decided to walk 3 blocks to my neighbourhood bar and have another beer. VERY STUPID BAD IDEA.
after i had my beer i asked these 2 very normal looking women if they would give me a ride home.
A VERY BAD IDEA.
somehow along the way i ended up in some fucking very big house.
with people i did not know.
i did not see the women anymore.
some someone asked me if i'd like to smoke some pot, me in my fuct up mind and trying to get a bearing as to where the hell i was and just how the fuck to get out of there, and to be "congenial" i said sure, ok.

well, it wasn't pot it was meth ampethemine.
i would NEVER do something like meth nor have i ever.
and i did not know it was meth.
but it made go completely psychotic and all of a sudden i was completely convinced that everyone there was planning to keep me hostage and they going to kill us (or just me) in some sort of bizarre ritual.
i didn't understand anything.

it didn't help at ALL that every time i tried to escape the house i was dragged kicking and screaming back IN to the house.
i have bruises all over my arms where they were holding on to me not letting me leave.
i kept begging them all to let me leave and no one would let me leave.
i would run for the door and they would stop me and hold me down.
i was crying and begging and certain that they were going to kill me or do something weird to me.

my silver henry bendel bracelet that i NEVER take off is now gone.
and 2 huge bruises are left on my hand where they must have grabbed me by my bracelet and i writhed free of it, because it fits tightly when you try to get it off of me.

so part of my paranoia was for a REASON, for they were FORCEFULLY keeping me there against my will for hours.
but then on the other side i know i was partly psychotic from the meth because i told some black guy there that he was going to die "like kirby puckett" (who just died yesterday from a stroke).
but a huge part of it was based in a reason, because i have bruises all over my body and hair ripped out of my head from it from trying to escape that house and people not letting me leave.
but i agree, telling someong they are going to die just like kirby puckett is completely insane. but i guess meth can make you extremely psychotic and paranoid, i find out later.

then a woman driver and some white guy who was convinced he loved me or SOMETHING... all i know he he said he could not let me leave because otherwise "he would never see me again" FORCED me into a car, kicking and screaming.
where were they taking me??
i felt like i was in some sort of horror movie.
i felt like they were going to kill me and dump my body somewhere.
still, now "in my right mind" i think that is a good possibility.
especially if they were all on meth, too.

he held me down in the back seat. i don't know where we were going.
finally the guy said "maybe we could take her to the hospital?"
and i said YES! take me to the hospital!

but the woman drove past the hospital which made me know for certain, at least in my mind that she meant no good for me.
and pleaded and begged and cried with the guy in the back seat to please let me go. i kicked the women in the front seat as hard as i could hoping she would stop the car. she called me a bitch and told the guy to "keep holding that bitch down"

finally he let his hand off the drop of the door for one second and i got the fuck out of that car and went running down the high way.
it was then i realized i had no clothes on except for my fur coat.
not even shoes.

i screamed at cars to stop but many would not.
i was hysterical and crying.

finally i saw a car slowing because it was going into a parking ramp. it ended up the parking ramp to the hospital and the person was a nurse going to work.

she took me to the emergency room but she held my wrist so hard i felt like maybe she was "one of them" too who was "in on it" and was taking me to a place where i would still be imprisoned.

i was hyperventilating and everyone was the enemy to me.
it didn't help that in emergency rooms people treat you like total shit especially if you are a tiny naked girl.

they were like did you do meth? and i'm like hell no!
but i peed in a cup and sure enough there was meth in my system much to my shock.
they had my heart wired up to this damn machine and my heart was going 170 beats and hour.

they forced me to get a shot in my arm of ativan.
they said i could get it in my arm or in my ass, i choose.
(i think that is what it was called).
i finally just realized i was outnumbered and they gave me the shot in my arm.

it was a fucking nightmare and they would not let me leave and i was getting shots i did not want and i called them all jackasses.
one of them in particular WAS a jackass and i told him i was sorry that anyone had to ever be in his "care".

i couldn't remember jason's #. i was one # off.
it's because i never call jason on the phone so his phone # is not in my head.

finally he came and after a few hours they let me go.
i don;t know why they would not let me go right away.
i'm a fucking adult, even if i was hysterical, i hadn't checked myself in and i still had my ID, my credit card and keys to my house. i don't know why i was forced to be there against my will
after i had already been forced to be somewhere else against my will. if i hadn't checked myself in don't i have the right to LEAVE? and they didn't even know i had meth in my system until after i had already been there for HOURS.
all they wanted to do is monitor my heart, treat my like a child, and give me shots in my arm against my will.
if i want to go home wit my heart at 170 beats a minute i shoudl be able to. it's my fucking body.
anyone who had just been kidnapped and assualted would have their heart beating rapidy.
and they kept just telling me to "calm down".
how fucking laughable, like THAT is going to work.
"calm down". really do you think i should just calm down?
is that all there is to it jackasses?

i can't really press charges because i can't really remember anyone's faces, i don't know where i was taken, i don't have any names, i don't know what kind of car i was in.
i was just kicking and screaming and trying to get out of the house or car any way i could.

then i came home and just kept taking xanax to stay asleep for 24 housr because i was so exhausted and didn't want to be awake.

i don't remember any of my dreams which is fine with me because my whole waking life was my nightmare come to life.

my body hurts everywhere.
my bracelet being gone makes me cry the most, weirdly.
it was one of the most important things to me.
and i missed the playing at the knitting factory.

i feel like such a dumbass.
i know was assulted and kidnapped but i still feel like such a DUMBASS for putting myself in that position.
i wish i could remember why all my clothes were off.
i don't feel like i was raped at all.

i'm really going to miss my shoes from the 20's
the striped tights i don't care.
my little lacy pantaloons i can get another.
that corset was on it's last legs anyway,
oh and my beautiful brown velvet scarf :(

but the shoes...god.
oh and my white furry hat :(

the bracelet. i know it's just a "thing"
but it meant so much to me.
it was given to me for my birthday by columbia records.

it meant so much more to me than that.
i feel like a fucking ass.
i feel like a retarded dumbass shit.

i should know better than to go out after a bottle of wine.
fucking a.
i know why i do it.
i do it because i am a self sabotaging angry dambass.
but that still doesn't mean i was "asking for it"
to be assaulted and kidnapped.

still i can't help but feel all that anger i was feeling just came back to me 10 fold.
all my feelings of being trapped, come to physical form.
like i manifested this.
like it's all my fault. i created this reality.
i fucked myself over.
i shot myself in the foot.

why? waht am i trying to prove?
i'm trying to prove i can DO ANYTHING I WANT.
that it's MY WORLD and I OWN MY SPACE AND MY BODY.

but i don't.
I just don't.
and how do you live with that?
how do you live with that fact?
how do you live with the fact that people can hold you down against your will?

but i escaped.
that is a fact, too.
i made it out.
i fucking made it out alive.

how many more times do i have to prove to myself i can make it out alive from the jaws of "evil"???

just what the fuck??

how do you be sane in a sane world?

okokokokokok, i know , don't drink a bottle of wine.
don't get in a car with friendly looking women.
don't smoke something if you don't know what it is.
don't have another beer after a bottle of wine.
don't smoke something you don't know after having a beer after a bottle of wine in a strange house with strange people.

just fuck.

I GET THAT.

but just FUCK!!! you know????

why can't people just be nice?
where are my clothes?
where were they taking me in the car??
why wouldn't they let me go?

questions i will never have answered and that is just the way it is.
and here i am alive.
so yay.

but fucking a. just fucking a.

i feel insane.

once more i am "put in my place"
ok i GET IT.
i can't do whatever i want, whenever i want without chancing putting my life in horrible horrible danger.
that is just the way it is.
like gravity, i guess.

i feel so defeated.
isn't that stupid?
i feel so fucking stupid.

and i'm really sorry i put jason through that, AGAIN.
i am insane. i am a fucking wildly insane pissed of dumbfuck.
i'm sore all over.
i've hit the brick wall.
hello brick wall.
fuck you, too.

at least i don't have to wear a burqa, right?
hahahahaha! REJOICE!
right?
i should be so fucking happy i live in such a free world.
i should jump for joy over the freedoms i DO have, as a woman over "here".
at LEAST i don't have to wear a burqa, oh joy of joys, thank you brick wall for giving me this FREEDOM.
i feel so fucking FREE.
i grovel, gratefully, at your godlike feet.
i am humiliated.

and get another big thousands of dollars bill from hospital.
ffffffuuucccckkk.



+++

The two tracks mixed together
that goes with my cam shows for SWAS:

http://www.anacam.com/swas/anavoog.mp3

Individual tracks:
http://www.anacam.com/swas/music.mp3
http://www.anacam.com/swas/talking.mp3

+++

Horoscope for Aries (March 8 2006)

The effects of Uranus on your ruling planet could have you behaving a little rebelliously today. The enduring aspect between them indicates some unresolved tensions that you need to address. Do this in a constructive way and you will feel as though a weight has been lifted.

and

Precision
Valid during several weeks: During this period you are likely to proceed with considerable caution, which has both good and difficult effects. You are much more conscious than usual of the distinctions between things, making it hard to see the "forest for the trees." This extends to your attitudes toward others, so that you may be inclined to concentrate on people's negative characteristics and to overlook their positive traits. On the positive side, this influence can give you great intellectual precision. If you have to do any work that requires extreme precision of thought and planning, now is the time. It will work especially well if you have previously outlined the general plan and left the detailed planning until now.

and

It's time for you to contemplate your need for privacy, even if you spend much of your life engaged in activities with others. You Rams often like to work alone, for your patience grows thin when others cannot keep up with you. But now your penchant for solitude may be more about recharging your batteries so you can head back out and conquer the world.

and

It's international women's day. Seldom do made up holidays work. There could be international women's year and it still wouldn't catch up to the overlooked contribution of women to our world. Take it a step further and use today with the moon in the powerful sign of Cancer to actualize the feminine aspect we all have as a component of our being. From the nurturing kind and selfless mother energy to the powerful tiger defending territory there is a lot of it to explore. Give some love and conscious acknowledgement out to the women in your life. Without women none of us are here. The moon trines Uranus today also in a water sign, Pisces, giving today a revolutionary tinge. There are infinite ways to deal with our emotional realms. Even if your issues are decades old and seemingly carved in your bones there is the possibility to elevate and shift, dealing with the deep intimate worlds in new ways. Often a little creativity in these arenas goes a long way and even gentle shifts free up so much energy we wonder why we hesitated before.