| feb
23rd, 2006 |
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i send love to all of you.
really.
take it or leave it. or send it on to someone you think needs it more.
do with it what you will.
just sending it out tonight....to all of you.
because i have a little extra to spare thanks to the energy you have given
me :)
zoom :)
Current Mood: grateful
11:35pm
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not an exciting pictorial day, but
tomorrow a show in atlanta, georgia.
the peach.
should be quite interesting :)
i'm doing laundry and making ramen.
i feel content :)
8:44pm
oh i do remember all of a sudden
a bit of a dream.
i went back to my old childhood house (but it was not actually my real one
from this life).
or else i went back in time to 1966 to see my old childhood house and i had
a photo that was taken on the house in 1940 and everything, down to every
last detail was exactly the same as it had been in 1940.
everyone had kept up on painting their houses and all the trim the exact same
colours precisely.
nothing was destroyed or removed. everything was sustained.
i was completely marvelled. and i thought so when i was a child in this house,
my neighbourhood was EXACTLY as it was in 1940! so i was seeing what a person
then would see.
and then said yep!
and i was so amazed.
and it was an old friendly grandmother who lived in the house now. and everyone
was baking cookies and children were running around.
and i asked the older women in the kitchen what does off-da may-ta mean?
because in norwegian or swedish ( i don't know which) "oof da" is
the equivelent of the yiddish "oy vey"
but sometimes the really older people would add an "may-ta" to the
end of it and i did not knwo what that meant.
and the grandmother told me what it was and now i cannot remember!
but in the dream i think i was surprised that it did not have the meaning
i thought it would have.
i think it was maybge even the equivelent of the hawaiian wiki wiki, to move
quickly.
that just popped into my head just now.
and also other things that are still fuzzy.
+++
a thing from today:
http://teeny-theaters.livejournal.com/7068.html
http://teeny-theaters.livejournal.com/9710.html
so it's not just me.
there really IS weird shit going down today.
fucking intense.
but i can totally understand it, sadly.
i walk the line of that daily.
detach..enjoy..detach..enjoy...
this it what it sounds like when doves cry...
i wish i had a million dollars to give to her for her work.
i just discovered her today.
now it's all gone, up in flames.
painful.
understandable.
+++
go there now CHERISH her
stuff and let it be known to her!
you have to clap for the faeries or they die!
5:53pm
early roxy music just gets weirder
and weirder the more i listen to them.
listening to their song "ladytron" right now and it has me be-puzzled
in a quizzical way.
like a spread of sugary nanobots on burnt toast.
5:35pm
2012 bring it ON!
i made a bath. it's too hot.
while i wait for it to cool i will eat eggs.
4:29pm
god, i have to make a new record
or i am going to explode, i swear!
enough dilly dallying!
god, i just have to go in there and plug shit in and go to it.
what am i waiting for?
the perfect time, the perfect moment? what?
i always have an excuse not to do it.
what is my deal?
i need 7,000 clones of myself to get everything done i want.
every second of my life is a new "big thing" i MUST do or i will
explode!
i have to make my record, my movie, i have to tie it all in together, i have
to crochet all the wardrobe, make the sets, get pro tools, learn flash, plug
me in, plug this in, get new guitar strings on my guitar.
all my instruments are creaking and in need of loving attention.
now i want to make this "earthometer" that is going to graph and
make maps of EVERYTHING going on in the planet and somehow this will all be
a cute and easy little thing to install and attach to your blog.
and it will revolutionize how we all see ourselves and the world and how everything
is done.
and i mean it WILL revolutionize how everything is done.
IF it were implemented in the way i wanted and if people participated honestly.
imagine how much the government wants to monitor you, stick a jack into your
brain and download what makes you tick so they can sell you some new shiny
thing.
the thing is, if you give them TOO much information, they are just going to
go into complete meltdown.
because if everyone had access to everyone's moods and thoughts and ideas,
there could be no more rigged elections, there could be none of that kind
of thing.
marketing and advertising would be both besides themselves with glee but at
the same time we would all have the same information as they did so it could
not be used for "stealth" purposes anymore.
it would be fun. everyone loves polls and memes and talking about themselves
and taking those tests and having emoticons.
imagine my space, livejoural, google earth, and this emometer plugged in and
synchromchized with everyone.
making graphs and maps of emotion in pretty colours.
the snag i keep hitting is what if people want to put info in but be anonymous.
and how do you know if anyone is telling the truth?
which is why i want to have another version where i have a team of "expert
weather reporters" log in and we would have one of that, too.
teh possibilities are completely
endless.
i then i just got shown this:
which is exactly what i am talking
about but on a smaller scale.
but seeing it right THERE, EXISTING NOW, is so exciting!
argh, if only i was a software engineer i could make all of this my way.
i could make so much money and change
the world for the better.
sigh oh sigh.
it will get made with or without me because at least i have put the idea out
there and i see now that some other people are thinking along the same lines,
so it's only time and it will exist.
mark my words.
if *I* am meant to do this then i
ask the universe to just sock it to me. and if i am not...then please go sock
it to someone else.
'cause this thing just needs to be MADE.
and please government and advertising and people with nasty agendas do not
try to go into it to "fuck it up".
god, i know they will. but we have to just keep trying.
let's just give them so much information that they explode.
hey, you want to know so much about me?
hey here is my stomache contents, here is every stupid thought going through
my brain, here is an undigested piece of licorice from last week, here is
my weird little fantasy i've had since i was 5 years old and then it morphed
into THIS, ya, i jack off to photos of FROGS. i mean, just where can you take
it?
to the realm of aburdity and back?
and how can you make a graph of it?
a moving graph beautiful candy colours
floating there, ambiently, as the backdrop to my cellphone wallpaper.
there we all are...aching and yearning and searching and wondering and lovng
and hating and it's all making a big beautiful pulsing every moving ambient
screensaver.
oh look, there is massive despair exploding in cobalt blue in the netherlands,
there is feisty orange joy oozing through the backyards in south carolina,
someone's conjuring up pink gods in france, there's jealous yellow about to
collide right into that cobalt blue aking for a fertile green landscape of
imploding hearts...there is red again, seeping through the driveways of the
upperclass....
i can see it.
i can see it.
it's so beautiful and tragic.
it holds so much promise.
it's just all there...all this information making beautiful screensavers and
for those who want to tap in...and learn or fuck with it...go in then and
see what colours you can make.
we could have a colour war for real. an orange alert could really MEAN something.
when you are on a plane you really COULD see what coloured zone you were flying
into. flying into the red zone..the purple zone...the aquamarine with a twist
of lemon zone.
ah, this is not going to get made
like i want it to.
the cobalt blue starts to take over me.
i can feel all my parallel lives
making it.
it's already made.
i can feel them playing with it.
and i am still here on my plane of existence,
just coasting on the bits of fizzy happiness that seep it's way through to
me through the multidimensionality.
tell me that i say hi.
i feel exactly like when i told my record label that i wanted a cam on my website of THEIRS they said "yes, that is a good idea, we'll have to do that sometime"
they had their chance at it.
i said fuck u i will not wait for you.
i plugged my cam in and VOILA the rest is history.
i have a lot of "good ideas".
i have a lot of good ideas that will make lots of money.
people just pat me on the head and say "good idea".
years later i see these ideas being implemented.
and then they go "oh, THAT'S what you meant".
no one ever "gets it" until they SEE it in their hand.
why?
according to me genuisometer i should be a billionaire by now.
why am i not?
is it because i am lazy? too ahead of my time?
too stupid? am i not an effective communicator?
do i just have a secret hate of money that i have not yet tapped into and
purged?
could it be because i hate to use quicken?
am i just too flakey? do i not see ideas through?
do i not cultivate around me the right types of people?
just what the fuck?
all i can think of is that i must learn to control my own personal space before
i can venture out and become even more of a walking target than i already
am.
or something.
jeez. i just do not know.
these are hard lessons to learn but they seem like they should be so simple.
god, i know my finger is on the pulse of SOMETHING but i cannot figure out
how to fly this cylon machine!
things take time.
i can only do one thing at once, and this is a drag.
it is disgusting luxurious and decadent.
like watching a car crash in extra slow motion at a molecular level. lingering
on each painful pierce of glass into flesh, reflecting on the smell of burning
flesh and how it smells like such and such at this degree here but smells
and burns like THIS over HERE and here and here and here...
it's about as exciting as watching the grass grow.
ohmigod, i really AM going to have SO MUCH FUN when i am "dead"!
imagined not being burdened with this.
but at the same time i'll go, ohhh, remember BUTTER?
remember BUBBLEBATHS? remember JASMINE?
remember breaking your finger?
remember watching your face slowly decay into something unrecognizable to
yourself? fun times!
luxurious torture!
remember the smell of magazines and playdough?
freshly shaved skin.
wasabi.
how can i have BOTH? i want a body but i don't want to be in time.
can that be possible?
i think it might be. somehow...
but not here..
4:06pm
it's time to play roxy music's for
your pleasure
do the strand!
(i'm not sure how accurate these
lyrics are)
my favourite line from that which always stuck out for me is:
"Rhododendron
Is a nice flower
Evergreen
It lasts forever
But it can´t beat strand power"
because it was so awkwardly set into the song, it didn't rhyme with anything
and didn't seem to have anything to do with anything that had preceded it.
and that was a real "aha" moment for me lyrically.
and made me think of my own writing of lyrics in a whole new way.
it's weird how little things like that will do it for ya.
it's unexplainable.
it's unexpected.
i love it.
i just love the way he sings "rho-do-den-dron
is a nice flow_er...."
all punctuated like that.
why is it that certain little things like will just hit you in a certain way
that makes you twist and go 'ooo!"
what is that and why?
and then there are some moments in songs where EVERYONE's favourite part is
the same part. and it's always some little drum beat or drum break and everyone
knows it and air drums to it in synch.
or that little "wa wa" at the end of that song by whoever that sings
"some people call me maurice!" and the guitar goes "woo woo!"
at the end of that. and every just loves it.
some people call me the space cowboy...
what is that song?
There´s a new sensation
A fabulous creation
A danceable solution
To teenage revolution
Do the strand love
When you feel love
It´s the new way
That´s why we say
Do the strand
Do it on the tables
Quaglino´s place or mabel´s
Slow and gentle
Sentimental
All styles served here
Louis seize he prefer
Laissez-faire le strand
Tired of the tango
Fed up with fandango
Dance on moonbeams
Slide on rainbows
In furs or blue jeans
You know what I mean
Do the strand
Had your fill of quadrilles
The madison and cheap thrills
Bored with the beguine
The samba isn´t your scene
They´re playing our tune
By the pale moon
We´re incognito
Down the lido
And we like the strand
Arabs at oasis
Eskimos and chinese
If you feel blue
Look through who´s who
See la goulue
And nijinsky
Do the strandsky
Weary of the waltz
And mashed potato schmaltz
Rhododendron
Is a nice flower
Evergreen
It lasts forever
But it can´t beat strand power
The sphynx and mona lisa
Lolita and guernica
Did the strand
is my brain just one big chemical
illusion?
the human body is a weird and mystifying process.
i can alter how i feel about things just by adding or deleting chemicals/elements.
it brings home all the more how closely linked we all are to the land that
surrounds us. and the sun. and everything.
we are made of it. we are breathing it in and filtering it and eating it.
atoms and particles and neurons and quarks all dancing in fractallized geometric
patterns to spell out SALT or PEPPER or SWEET or SOUR or SAD or HAPPY.
i know i sound wildly insane to some people with my mood swings lately.
very very weird and interesting.
i must be very ungrounded , perhaps,
to be so easily swayed one way or the other by these things.
or is that just the way it is and i just have to go with the flow?
i just don't want to crash again.
things go well. i might get overly confident. push myself too far.
i'm not sure.
i don't like not knowing. i'm trying to figure it out.
i want to fly like a kite but i want to be able to see the string attached
to land, in someone's hand , holding on.
i don't like this "i am a helium balloon, ohmigod, i can see everything,
and then i get to close to the sun and burst and my soggy wrecked shapeless
rubber membrane comes crashing back to earth in a swamp.
rinse repeat ad nauseum.
i really really hate that.
3:33pm
my brain is exploding with ideas.
really really really good ideas.
i want to implement them all immediately.
and i cannot because i am not a software engineer.
dang it, i need jason and i to team up and make this "thing" that
needs to be made!
2:29pm
it's really incredible the difference
i feel when i am on or off prozac right now.
i went off of it for awhile, like for many weeks, and was quite ok.
and then i hit a spell where things didn't look so damn good and i am still
assessing how that all happened.
it felt like i was blindsided, careening out of control.
then i took control over my bearings and a lot of you kept my ship alfloat
for a few days by listening to me babble on the phone, and that allowed me
to patch up the huge holes that were causing my ship to immediately sink and
be forevermore stuck at the bottom of the ocean.
and talking to yuliya really helped, and i will write about that someday.
but then i still felt a bit off balance and just this blah ickiness of purgatory
like nothingness.
so i decided to take my last pils of prozac over the last 2 days and zoom,
i am totally feeling in control of my ship right now. which may or may not
be an illusion. i don't think i'm delusional, i don't feel delusional.
but i am being hyper aware of my condition, in a vigilant sense, monitoring
everything and how it effects me so i do not go skidding out of control into
a brick wall like i did the other day.
the thing that sucks about prozac is it makes it hard to sleep.
and i know i was talking in my sleep last night. i would wake myself up from
it.
i had really really intense dreams that i am still trying to remember, but
they were exhausting, like running through a maze like a lab rat.
the people running the experiment were running with me as if they were in
it with me but what they really were doing is monitoring just how much crap
i would take until i finally decided i would say enough of that and move on
to something else. and they were testing me to see what beliefs i would take
and not take.
a little girl ran off into the hallway to report back on me, and i overheard
the conversation, and she said something like "well, i've gotten her
to believe that hypnosis will actually solve this and this problem so we'll
see where that goes". something to that effect.
it was really disconcerting.
finding out that the people running the maze with me were not my "friends
in combat" but simply monitors of me , reporting back to some other place
on my condition.
that really sucked.
finding out that ideas were being presented to me just to see if they would
"stick".
but it made me take a step back and go "hey! you mean i don't HAVE to
run this maze? this is all just some stupid experiment to see how much i will
take? fuck that!"
and i was bummed because i thought "you mean hypnosis only worls because
i think it does"?
which i already knew, but having it pointed out to you in a dream by a little
girl was more humbling than i thought.
and so i am still processing all of that.
it's like i am the one experimenting on my own self reporting back to myself.
it is indeed frickin weird.
2:18pm
i did hear from one new orlean's
resident who was happy about my show.
that was my one and only feedback i got about that.
they said
"tonight i saw the sex workers
show at the zeitgeist in new orleans.
i appreciate what you had to say to us.
thank you."
here is a bit about other things:
a very very bad day "over there", and a world wide emotional weather system
http://www.juancole.com/2006/02/shiite-protests-roil-iraq-tuesday-was.html
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060222/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq
the "emotional weather" in iraq right now so that you can understand how it might manifest into your "emotional weather", as well.
i think this world needs an online
"emotional weather and forecast" station.
so we can see and map out how emotions move throughout the earth and we are
all effected by them in one way or the other, eventually.
how one thing leads to another, just like weather.
and if we can map it and track it then we can be more prepared, in our own
lives, as to how we want to prepare for it.
like wear a raincoat or dance in the rain, or don't plan a picnic on that
day because you're likely to get bombed or that sort of thing.
i am in the process, and this will take many years, of figuring out how to
map such a thing, since most people are not really even in touch with their
emotions and don't feel they have any control over them and so just are in
constant reaction mode without even knowing why. or when people are "swept
away" by the emotions of a crowd and so forth.
emotions are not YOU, your essence.
emotions are IF you but not YOU, in your "purest" form.
emotions are like the wind in our sails which helps us to move from here to
there.
a good description of how to notice
that your emotions are not you is when you get into a situation where you
are "overloaded" and then just sort of "detach" and then
it is like there is a YOU you that is watching you....unattached from the
situation.
this can be really good for survival, but really bad to "stay" there
permanently "beyond your control". you should always be navigating
your own ship. and it's a thin line to walk between artful nonattachment to
things but still allowing yourself to feel every single joyous and excruciatingly
painful experience fully and completely. ..both at the same time.
by nonattachment i do not mean "not caring". i mean, to observe
with compassion, yourself and others. and be very observant and notice how
things go and let them sweep the way they do but do not get "carried
away" by it. although sometimes, for sure, it is a great pleasurable
indulgence to be swept away by feelings of great joy, and cathartic and essential
to cry as long and as deep as you need to to get you to the other side. but
then when this emotion does not serve your purpose anymore and you are just
allowing emotions to sweep you here and there and everywhere seemingly beyond
your control, then you need to check in and evaluate things.
if you keep in check with your emotions
you can be more aware of where you "are".
and if you had a map of the worldwide emotional weather system, you could
then CHOOSE how to use your emotions to navigate your boat in such and such
weather.
this emotional weather system in
iraq yesterday WILL come to you and effect you in some way.
in fact, it already has since we are all one and all time is now.
but because we live in space/time we are allowed the luxury of watching all of this "unfold" in time and space, as if in slow motion, so that we can really learn about emotions and how we create our own reality from them.
to effectively evaluate and realize and acknowledge how "the technology of all that is" works, i think we need to map out , like the weather, a sysytem where we can see what is happening globally throughout the word, emotionally.
this would help us understand why we feel the way we feel and we can stop projecting OUR feelings onto others and forcing them into our "worldview". we can all have exactly enough space and time we all need to feel exactly what we want to feel and for how long and with what intensity and be ACTIVELY AWARE and RESPONSIBLE for our emotions, with no harm to anyone.
fi we can become aware of emotions
in this way, and how emotions are not US, but are essential life tools to
help us each to , individually, navigate through our realities, then we are
more apt to not project our feelings onto others , get angry when others do
not feel the way we do, and then lash out. and the whole cycle of violence
and detachment that brings.
when we feel not acknowledged we feel as tho we are being suffocated and there
is only enough "room" for one or 2 views.
and this leads, as we can all see, to the blowing up of many things.
anyway, if anyone has any feedback
on how to go about making a global emotional weather system, i am all ears
:)
i have already a ton of ideas, but i am needing to perculate on them more
before i say them all.
it would be a monumental task. it would be really quite crude. it would take
a lot of software engineering and input from people everywhere, like google
earth.
and perhaps as the years go on, and people see how useful such a tool would
be, it would be perfected more and more.
even if this idea never gets made by me, i am putting it out there for other people to gnaw on.
i also propose that all tools be
incorporated into this.
like astrology, feng shui, "science", remote viewing, and of course
things like psychology, geology, anthropology, etc etc.
i think it would be useful to have various "layers" to the maps.
very slow moving weather would be
things like religion, belief systems, values, morals, ethics, what do we consider
sacred
faster moving weather would be trends, tendencies for groups of people to
cherish some things over others, like how fashion and furniture and what we
consider to be beautiful is and what we want around us in our house, what
do we consider funny
very fast weather would be emotions, what colours you like that day, music you are listening to, memes
and then take in the geology of each
place in a feng shui way.
for instance, i am wondering if anger might be dissipated as it travels over
large bodies of water.
and this may be one of the reasons america can "feel" so detached
from what is going on, emotionally, at places across the sea.
how do mountains effect a joyous concert by an uplifting band experienced
in an arena by thousands?
will that joy be able to effectively travel across the mountains to the next
place?
or does joy have a tendency to "pool" in one place.
these are things i think need to
be looked at and studied.
+++
The two tracks mixed together
that goes with my cam shows for SWAS:
http://www.anacam.com/swas/anavoog.mp3
Individual tracks:
http://www.anacam.com/swas/music.mp3
http://www.anacam.com/swas/talking.mp3
+++
Horoscope for Aries (February 23 2006)
You will find that you need to control your temper today when things don't run as smoothly as they should, otherwise you could find that your overreactions will drain your energy even more. Find comfort in stress busting activities: taking yourself for a long overdue pampering session would be a start.
and
Something new
Valid during several months: This is a good time for any kind of study and
education, because you are intellectually eager for knowledge and new experiences.
You want to take a larger view of life in order to see how the various parts
fit together to make up the whole. Any new and interesting phenomenon from
a world outside your own is likely to attract your attention at this time.
Subjects relating to foreign places, the law, philosophy or higher knowledge
of any kind will engage your attention. It is possible that you may have some
dealings with officials connected with the law, although you should not fear
this possibility particularly. It is a good time to travel, because your curiosity
makes travel very interesting to you. You are also quite open to alternative
lifestyles at this time.
and
Take the winding country lane today, Aries. It's better than hopping onto the expressway because it affords you extra time to think about where you are going. Sometimes you move so fast that you arrive at your next destination before you even have a chance to integrate your previous experience. Your success now depends upon slowing down and enjoying the scenery.
and
Thursday
Moon into Capricorn 12:16am
Mercury sextile Venus PISCES-CAPRICORN
Early in the day we shift into a waning Moon in Capricorn. Now the desire
for direction, study and travel gets a bottom line. If we really want to progress
our being to the next level or enhance the one we have there are details to
be dealt with. Capricorn is the seat of contracts, real estate and all things
settled and concrete. The sextile touch of Mercury to Venus also vibrates
in Capricorn as Venus is traveling through here. There is a chance to infuse
the mundane details of our lives with a bit of sizzle and beauty. Today we
can look at the group meetings we had this week and objectively get a grip
on where these projects are really at. It's a cold vision so be careful when
communicating it as what one sees as cold hard fact another can feel is just
bitching. The moon moves past Venus in Capricorn tonight so you can experiment
with making these normally boring and drudgery areas of life ring with some
song and dance. Yes you can laugh and dance while paying the bills.
and
long term influences:
How it ought to be ***
Valid during many months: This influence will make you drive yourself and
others around you to attain success, excellence or preeminence in some way.
It represents the drive to actualize an ideal you hold about how the world
ought to be. The danger of this influence is that you may become arrogant
and domineering toward those around you, as if you were a kind of superman,
above all morality and law except your own.
Before you try to improve everyone around you, strive to improve yourself,
which you can do under this influence. Gain a greater understanding of truth
in your world, but do not try to force your views on others. And in pursuing
your own conception of excellence, don't try to prevent others from attaining
theirs.
In particular, avoid any behavior that could get you into trouble with the law. If you decide to become a law unto yourself, the law of society may have to stop you. Even civil suits should be avoided, if possible, because it will be difficult for you to present a winning case at this time.
You may have a strong desire to manipulate others, not because you want to convince them of your belief in an ideal state of being, but simply because you don't have enough respect for their rights as individuals. Don't proceed as if you had a superiority complex, for that will only cause others to gang up on you and try to destroy you.
It would be a pity to waste this influence on any of its negative manifestations, because it really does give you an opportunity to make yourself over according to your ideals. You can undergo a total spiritual regeneration and achieve a greater understanding of yourself and your place in the universe. And your relations with others will be an integral part of the process. Each new meeting and even encounters with old friends and loved ones will show you more about the path of development that you should take.
Transit selected for today (by user):
Pluto Opposition Jupiter
activity period from beginning of February 2006 until end of November 2007.
Daydreaming
Valid during several weeks: This influence stimulates your creative imagination
and makes you much more sensitive than usual to aspects of the world around
you. While you may be tempted to spend the day daydreaming, you will probably
be more satisfied if you read romantic literature and poetry or listen to
music. This is a good day for leaving the humdrum, everyday world and traveling
in your mind to a fanciful and pleasantly unreal world. Don't worry about
wasting time. Everyone needs to fantasize like this from time to time, and
you are not likely to get so caught up in it that you cannot return to reality.
On the other hand, you are much more sensitive to subtleties and can catch
other people's moods effortlessly. Your attitude is very sympathetic, and
you genuinely want to aid anyone who needs your help today.
Transit selected for today (by user):
Mercury Trine Neptune
activity period from 21 February 2006 until beginning of April 2006.
Looking inward
Valid during several months: At this time it is good to look inward and reflect
upon deep psychological truths within yourself. This influence often signifies
conversations and intellectual encounters that have a profound effect upon
your mind, causing you to go deep within yourself and make changes in your
point of view or ways of thinking. This time is conducive to very deep thinking,
sometimes including thoughts about your own and your loved ones' mortality.
Reflecting upon these matters from time to time in moderation can help to
keep your life in perspective, but don't get too carried away by thoughts
of death, because this can draw you away from the here and now.
Transit selected for today (by user):
Mercury in the 8th House 8
activity period from beginning of February 2006 until beginning of April 2006.