feb 18th, 2006

10:34pm

ok, fucking a.
they had an internet connection right up until the very second i was to go on. i know it's no one's fault, it;s just the way things go.
the tech guy called me and i heard cheering and clapping and happiness for the person who was just getting off the stage..and...i am happy for that person getting such a wonderful warm response.
but suckfest for me as i am sitting here with all my lights ready to get in costume, holding my energy for it all for hours..and i have to say i did cry a bit.
not a big cry as in my entire identity is wrapped up in this, but in...well, you know, what can i say. it sucks.
it would suck for anyone.
no blame in that.
so...it was meant to be for whatever reason.
time to unwind now and just....that is that.
i have no show tomorrow for them, but i think with all this pent up energy i will maybe do a show just for you, ana2.
but right now i feel like a soggy french fry.
and i am going to zone to some blah tv and sleep this off.

6:56pm

j.d. casten's interpretation of my imagery, as of late:

"The burning Zen monk on the left helps bring out your slogan, “i’d light myself on fire for you but i’m out of matches;” Hilariously in your face Ana! Venus is the planet of love and beauty while Mars is the god of War (and sex)—hence my title for my re-working of your work confronting organized violence and questioning its relation to sex, gender, etc."

yay :)

 

6:15pm

took me until now to upload all the tracks and lyrics and explanations and email all this to her.
(although still cannot find the complete strawberry fields mix of hollywood)
i hope something gets worked out.
made a bath. ate some pretzels.
just...god i hope this gets worked out to everyone's satisfaction.
brain on hyperdrive today trying to make this work.
i will not give up.

3:58pm

called the tech guy. he was sleeping in the van.
trying to get a ton of songs available for them to choose from that are poignant to the theme and also the right length.
i cannot find the strawberry fields mix of hollywood for the life of me!
SUCKFEST! anyone have it?

but i did find this other mix which is very minimal and cool.
done by jason and rob, i don't think i've ever even made it available for download.
i really love it more now than i did at the time i think because i've had time away from that song which was pretty much drilled into my head way too much for me to even be clear about it at the time.
long story.
but ya, i could not even HEAR the song anymore. i would just shutdown when i heard it.
but now that i hear this mix of it , years later, it makes me very happy :)

but i am going to send them 2 songs about exhibitionism and me working as a stripper (tuesday).

lyrics:

tuesday 2:42
exhibitionist 3:07pm


exhibitionist

oh god have mercy
oh god forbid
that i should own my body
and live as tho i did

he called me the exhibitionist
he said what's mine was his
he called me the exhibitionist
and that's sick that's sick that's sick

oh god have mercy
send me to a shrink
'cause i adorn my body
despite what men think

he called me the exhibitionist
an attention seeknig shame
he said i was a disrespect to him and my freedom caused him pain

exhibitionist
exhibit a b see me

can you see, she?

oh god have mercy
oh god forbid
that i should own my body
and live as tho i did

---

tuesday

tuesday is a girl on the floor
with legs spread wide
to show inside
the dancer

tuesday is a girl not a whore
her cleopatra eyes fight for the answer

men slap dollars on the floor
tuesday shows them what it's for
her ruby lips say thank you sir
her mind throws knives into the blur

someday she says she will be free
to wear her black clothes all day long in silence
today she draws on the wall
of the dressing room wearing nothing but silence


now she's dancing on the stage
she smiles so sexy to hide her rage
a businessman puts money down
she gets on her knees to that funky sound

daddy save us all.

--

but damn, i want to find the strawberry fields mix of hollywood.

2:30pm

left a message on annie's cell phone.
i want to switch soundpieces since i don't think my soundpiece with 1/2 of it gone is really going to work. although i have not heard it, so i can't really say for sure.
all i know is that it was not meant to be cut down and was intentionally a "difficult" and "uncomfortable" piece.
i wanted people to be confused by it and make them fidget and try and figure it out...even tho it is an impossible task. which is exactly the point. that it was an impossible task to figure out.
to cut it in 1/2 really defeats the purpose of the entire thing.
for me, it is the sex worker ART show, not the sex worker ENTERTAINMENT show.
if easily swallowed entertainment is what people want, then i would rather give them that. i'm nt trying to be an ass, i'm just trying to be accomodating and make both sides happy.
that is not hard to do. i can be very entertaining and i have no problems at all in doing that.
i did that for decades.
so...i would like to give them a remix of hollywood which is 5:52 minutes long.
and that would be better as it is very upbeat and will not confuse anyone, yet the lyrics are totally perfect for what i am doing then.
which is being the perfect "star" to reflect and project on.
(funny how i wrote that before i had a cam, prophetic, in a way).
so..it totally fits in, it is the perfect length, and i already know how to work with it and i can envision it as a cam show for 18 more times.
this would make me happy if she would just download the mp3 of that and play that instead and i think the audience will be happier , as well. and less likely to fidget and lose interest.
a happy dance song with dark lyrics.
everyone can be satisfied.
i will be satisfied because i will know what sound is being played along with what i am doing, i know exactly what imagery to go along with that, people can bopity bop to the rhythym but i can still have my darker message behind the glam.
this way we can all have our cake and eat it , too.

lyrics to hollywood:

hollywood
i'm moving
if i could i'd be a star for you
la la la
oh, come for me
i'll be in the screening room for you baby
oh, come for me
kissing you like it's real

i'm reeling (i'm realing)
if i could i'd be a film for you.
la la la

project on me
i'll be the girl on the other side, honey
reflect on me
i'll be the scene that blows up the sky, honey
burning up like it's real
(burning up like it's reel)

i'm moving (real)
in hollywood (real)
i'll meet you on the other side (reel)

kissing you like it's real.

hollywood
i'm moving

if i could i'd be a star for you...
la la la
i'm movie-ing

12:38pm

mouseovers:

see the entire show in yesterday's anagram.

i had dreams about seeing a circus of sorts. or little children practicing for one. tight rope walking. and lots of drapes/curtains on a stage.
using the curtains to wrap oneself in and do this acrobats with it. i can't explain it. but there were many layers of drapes and curtains and i was also practicing acrobatics with the curtains. beyond the curtains was a prison and also the stage was black with no lights, although there was a huge gap in the prison and those who were in there could escape at any time.
somehow i got some girl pregnant, even tho we were both women and she gave birth to it in prison. it was a son.
i would go to the window where i could see my son laying in the cradle, always asleep.
she told me he was well behaved and always mellow.
every day he grew a little taller but he never did know who i was or even that i existed.
i thought, "am i a deadbeat dad now? is that what i have become?"
i felt no connection between the child and i. no emotional bond.
i felt no emotional bond with the woman either but i hoped that would maybe change when she got out of prison in 10 years.
i was going out with another girl at this same time, a kind of paris hilton type. she wanted a lock of my hair, she said i had promised i would give it to her.
it was a long braid in the back of my head, but i was growing my hair out and it had taken so long to make that braid i changed my mind about giving it to her and so she broke up with me in a huff.
she laughed with her girlfriends and walked away from my down a hallway in a school.
i thought that maybe i had made the wrong decision by not giving her a lock of my hair because she was so beautiful and when would i ever find another girlfriend as beautiful as she was?
on the other hand, i thought why would i want to go out with a person who would break up with me for not cutting a huge chunk of my hair off and give to them?
i kept practicing my art of flying around and doing acrobatics with the drapes and curtains. i would furl myself in them and them unfurl.
and then every day go and look at my son sleeping, through the prison window.
i wondered who he was and who he would become and would he even like me when i finally got to meet him in ten years?
would we be friends or would he have no interest in me at all?

this dream is definitely about my show and how i feel that they took 5 minutes out of my soundpiece and i don't even know what it sounds like now. cutting a chunk of my hair out that had taken me years to grow.
feeling left out and disconnected from my artpiece now, not even knowing what it is anymore.

the curtains and drapes and prison are like all the layers between me and this tour. i am never truly on the stage, i am just allowed to play with the curtains from the outside.
i practice being "inbetween"

i suppose my show tonight will reflect this.
this feeling of being neither here nor there.
cut off from my child.
i'll play with the curtains on the edge of the dark stage.

tonight's show is in santa fe new mexico.
but for me, it is neither here nor there.

12:23pm

 


+++

The two tracks mixed together
that goes with my cam shows for SWAS:

http://www.anacam.com/swas/anavoog.mp3

Individual tracks:
http://www.anacam.com/swas/music.mp3
http://www.anacam.com/swas/talking.mp3

+++

Horoscope for Aries (February 18 2006)

Now that your ruling planet has moved out of Taurus and into Gemini you will find that your focus for the next few weeks will move swiftly from the practical to the more intellectual. Things will make you think, and people around you will definitely start to sit up and take notice!

and

Power play
Valid during several weeks: This is a good day for getting to the bottom of any problem, either in a relationship or in some other encounter between you and another person. Or you may become involved in an intellectual conflict of wills with another person. Someone may try very hard today to convince you of some truth that you would rather not accept, or you may do this to someone else. It can go either way. Be very careful about these attempts to persuade, because they can become the basis of a very subversive, smoldering conflict between you and another person. It may be hard to bring such a confrontation out into the open where the two of you can air your grievances. And it may be that there aren't any real grievances at all, but that one of you is trying to pull off a naked power play.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Opposition Pluto exact at 06:19
activity period from 17 February 2006 until beginning of April 2006.

and

Finish up old business so you are ready for the action of spring, which is only a month away if you live in the Northern hemisphere. Hopefully you haven't overextended yourself or you will have to put some energy toward clean up. Don't be too hard on yourself if your expressed impulses are better kept private. Do whatever you must to prepare for what's just around the corner.

and

Saturday
Moon void of course 8:59am PST
Moon into Scorpio 9:11am PST
Sun in Pisces 11:26am PST

Today the moon eases into Scorpio. This is usually one of the biggest transitions of the monthly lunar cycle. We go from that broad objective vision of the collective down into the real internal drives that we have personally and publically. Scorpio always gets laden with the sexual interpretation, true but not deep enough. It's only because in this area of our lives the deepest parts of ourselves surface, so yeah we're a bit randy but why? What is the motivation, is it just to slap some glands together like monkeys or make love play like deities? Scorpio also rules the mantic arts, pujas, spells, prayers and rituals work if you believe in them, they are no more complex then yourself and the intention is pure. The Sun slips into Pisces tonight further opening our door to the intuitive arena. While the Sun and waning Moon are both in water signs it's excellent to take some action to exert your will out into the cosmos. Whether you believe in the divine as an individual, a pantheon or a mathematical theorem doesn't matter. The point is do you feel helpless or helpful.