feb 16th, 2006
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12:31am

jason just uttered words of praise of my cooking as if i were some black magician with special spices only known to me :)
he was like HOW? how can you do this... and make this at the same time?
he said he is the luckiest man on earth.

heck yes!

i will go to sleep a happy cat.

purrrrrrr.

it's funny how i can work so hard to piss off the entire american army and the inherent flaws in the machinery of it and still please myself FIRST and also make my best friend happy, as well.
that is the best thing EVER.

when i can be true to myself and still be loved for it.
THIS is the greatest treasure i know.

thank you EVERYONE WHO GETS ME :)
you are a limitless treasure.
it is so rare.

12:00am

hell fucking yes, i did the right thing.

 

11:43pm

ok, i have to backtrack and see what i just did!
eeeeeee!
jason came home in the nick of time from his teaching job and i typed out all i wanted to say and then he cut and pasted it every 20 seconds into chillcam via my instructions, and i posed and did my thing as fast as i could!
it was insane but so much fun.
i hope it was as fun to watch as it was fun to do.
i am going to go review it now!

10:46pm

jesus h christ on a motherfucking stick!
how long can i hold the energy of "i am stalin with fake breasts and a plastic owl"?
longer than i thought, it seems!
please, let the games begin!
i have to pee!

10:39pm

waiting waiting waiting for the phone call that says i can start.....
i am reminded of the heinz ketchup ad about "anticiption is making you wait"
i wonder who remembers it?
(it's slowwwww goooood )
didn't carly simon sing it?
god, i am so old now.
hilarious :)

9:25pm

holy shit!
they are on so early tonight.
i am on in an hour they said!
hop to it!
i wasn't planning to be on until 11:30pm!
yikes!
this will be me just doing it "on the fly" tonight!
i'm illegally downloading things from the internet, looking at horrible photos of death and violence, cooking hamburger on my stove (fits in, yes)
watching without a trace (but not really)
shit shit shit.
no time to type!
just must make a set NOW.

7:49pm

photographs of violence

i need links to graphic photos of violence, torture, death that the media has used.
to juxtapose against photos of myself seminude.
because when the sex workers art show gets down to some places in the south, nudity will be illegal.
and so i want to pose the question of why is ok and legal to show photos of graphic violence and illegal to show a nipple?

7:31pm

for tonight's show

i need your help gathering statistics about women to put in my cam images.

like these from http://www.rainn.org

Key Facts
Every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.
One in six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape, and 10% of sexual assault victims are men.
In 2003-2004, there were an average annual 204,370 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.
About 44% of rape victims are under age 18, and 80% are under age 30.
Since 1994, rape/sexual assault has fallen by over 64%.

i need stats like the #1 way for men to abuse their wives in india is by lighting them on fire, etc.

so if you have any things like that to post here, let me know so i can put them in my cam pictures tonight for the show tonight in san diego. i need around 30 things to say.

and stuff about the sex slave trafficking:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/slaves/etc/stats.html

7:18pm

ah, i forgot today was thursday and survivor is on.
missed the 1st 20 minutes.
cleaning the kitchen during the commercials.
getting mentally prepared for my show which i have a good feeling will go well tonight.
i feel things are a bit more on track.
although i am a bit worried as to what my soundpiece will sound like with 3 minutes taken out of it.
and i hope it will be ok.
i need to get pro tools so i can do things like this on my own computer.

6:11pm

ok, i feel a ton better. annie called me and they passed the phone all around to everyone in the van and i finally got to talk to everyone and say hi and see how they all were and stuff. so now i feel sooooo much better about everything.
i am grinning from ear to ear. it makes me wish all the more i was actually on tour with them physically.
everyone is so sweet and upbeat.
and some said they would call me and email me throughout the day so i will feel more connected to everything and what is going on.. yay!

annie said that my piece was maybe just a few minutes too long for people's attention spans because i am not really there there, people think of it more as an intermission to talk and stuff. so she is going to see if she can edit the soundpiece down. people and their attention spans, i swear!
it sounds like the one i did last night was the most well received. and of course because that was the one that i was naked the whole time and saying really obvious and understandable things.
so i guess i will just stick to doing things more forward than actually being all salvadore dali about everything.
although...we'll see. you know me, i can't help but be weird and cryptic :)

anyway, i feel SO much better now that i have actually made a connection to everyone and they can fathom me and i can fathom them , etc. and that we ARE together on tour even tho not in the usual way.

so now i have energy and i am pumped for tonight's show.
although now i do not know if it will be 10 minutes long or 7 minutes long.
so....anyway, i have energy and i am not depressed anymore.
and i feel like i am part of things more.

so yay :)

5:04pm

left a message in the SWAS machine. my email from days ago goes unanswered. i know everyone is super super busy...but
i'm feeling really disconnected from the whole tour, not getting any feedback.
never knowing if i will be going on or not. never knowing if anyone is liking what i am doing or just...anything.
never knowing what time i will be going on.
my days go by in a sort of purgatory fashion ever on hold...wondering and waiting for word of any kind for anyone about anything.
i'm feeling a little depressed.
tonight they are in san diego.
i wish i had a magic eight ball to let me know if i will be doing a show there tonight or not.
i will just get ready to do one as usual.
i am still happy and grateful to be on the tour in whatever capacity i am.
i am just feeling depressed about the disconnection factor and the never knowing factor.
i never can really relax because i am constantly thinking about it and wondering.
gearing myself up for a show that i do not even know will be transmitted or not...or if it is..how is it received?
it doesn't help that today is cold and grey.
i'm just feeling a little sorry for myself today like the kid in the back of the bus.
if i could just talk with annie even for a minute it would make all the difference in the world.
just even a small email..anything.
i don't even know what to do for my show tonight because i do not know if nudity is allowed or not.
so i have to have 2 different shows all ready to at the drop of a hat...but then again it may not even happen at all.
it's unsettling.
i try to just breathe and let it go, and be at peace with the whole process of this....whatever this is.
but i find it hard because i am really a stickler about making sure things are going well.and this feeling of being completely and utterly out of the loop....i just have a knot in my stomache.
i'm feeling very insecure right now.
:(
i'm sad i can't chat with the audience or at least i thought maybe i could chat TO them.
i ahve an entire "speech" ready to go for this.
so everyone is only really getting part of the show i envisioned.
and huge chunks of information are being left out.
i really hope that my show is just ok "as is".
i wish someone would email pictures from the shows so i felt that i could even see something of what anything even looks like.
it's like every night i am doing this weird interpretive dance into a void or a vacuum even tho i know that is not so.

4:25pm

from freedom fries to roses of the prophet muhammad:
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20060216/D8FQD2FOB.html

god, i could see that coming from a mile away :)

3:22pm

bono

http://www.bread.org/get-involved/one-campaign/bono-prayer-breakfast-speech.html

mms://wmscnn.stream.aol.com/cnn/us/2006/02/02/bono.speaks.cnn.ws.wmv

http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/bononationalprayerbreakfast.htm

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2006-02-02-bono-transcript_x.htm

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/week923/exclusive.html

what a weird thing to see:

the man i most hate with the man i most love.
the world's most famous inauthentic man with the world's most famous authentic man.
perplexing and interesting to witness!

i gotta hand it to bono for getting right in there, in the thick of the shit and speaking his mind so gracefully.
and without anything turning into fisty cuffs.
if i was that close to bush i would have a VERY hard time not punching him in the face with everything in my power.

but bono is smart. he uses love which the most powerful punch of all.
sneaky bastard jedi master :)

2:39am

+++

The two tracks mixed together
that goes with my cam shows for SWAS:

http://www.anacam.com/swas/anavoog.mp3

Individual tracks:
http://www.anacam.com/swas/music.mp3
http://www.anacam.com/swas/talking.mp3

+++

Horoscope for Aries (February 16 2006)

Your role as an effective leader might be called upon today, but don't let the power go to your head! Friendships will very much be the focus for your day, as will your need to be helpful but make sure you reserve some time just for fun, or you could get bogged down.

and

Taking stock
This is a time when you should strive to integrate your energies with those of the people around you - your friends, neighbors and the groups that you identify with. You will be able to work very effectively with others now, and your goals and objectives will harmonize with those of the people you associate with. You will do this without any loss of identity; in fact, you will feel that what you do affirms your identity. This is a good time for socializing with others. You will enjoy people's company and derive much benefit from being with them. Now you should find out what you have succeeded in doing and what has failed and prepare for your birthday, when the next cycle will begin.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Sun Sextile Sun exact at 19:33
activity period from 16 February 2006 to 18 February 2006.

and

You really don't want to make life more difficult for anyone now as finding peaceful solutions to ongoing problems is high on your list. However, this doesn't mean that someone can get away with pushing you too far. It is surely wiser to seek common ground, but be ready to defend your territory if needed.

and

Thursday
Moon in Libra

Since the full moon it's been frantic, first in all that we went through and then dealing with the fallout. Now with the Libra Moon we have a move into the energies of diplomacy and a vision of harmony. So any fresh wounds or those old ones that have been irritated can be soothed now. At least take the chance to dialogue while the judgmental and conditional energies are waning. Usually that thing you've wanted to say to someone for days, weeks or years it's much easier if you just take a breath, sit down and speak slowly from the heart. Especially those dialogues you keep having in your head over and over. Those actually keep you from saying what it is that you need to get 'off your chest', if you can turn this into 'from the heart' then you're evolving. It's a simple case of a preposition, it's the same geography. In truly deadlocked zones it's helpful to pull way back and see what the situation wants not just our subjective part in it. The Libra energy allows us to see the faults and missteps that have created these situations without the trial and jury part of the mind getting involved. Just an evening of seeing the larger view without judging it can clear alot of old cobwebs and patterns if you're brave enough to look.