feb 13th, 2006
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1:25am

the feb 13th show
san francisco
cafe du nord

i can sort of plan it but not quite.
i can set up an "outline" usually, but then i need to branch off from there freeform.
i've used things here that i have in the past.
but hopefully distilled them into a new soup/form.
it's good to listen to the soundpiece i did for it at the same time.
i'd like to make a new soundpiece for all my shows every few days. or at least once a week.
i could grow into this way and learn to adjust.
we'll see what happens.
anyway...this is the 1st night i feel i really have done well and was "present" in the way i want to be.
i mean as in i have tried to the best of my abilities to deliver and be succint.
you would not believe how hard it is to post and change words and font sizes and every 20 seconds and make it look even half way ok.
especially when you are not as photogenic as you once were. but i think i pulled it off and to anyone who thinks i didn't, that's ok.
i feel solid enough in myself today that you cannot shake me.
at least in this present moment.

i am going to get all this make up off my face now.
get in my pajamas.
watch the latest battlestar galactica.
then sleep and start all over.

and tomorrow is valentine's day and i did not even know if i would have a valentine.
things have been so tense and up in the air.
this day has put me through the ringer but i am very pleased with myself for how much work on every level of my being i did today, keeping it together. god...there are no words,, well there probably is but i have no energy top type them.

thank you for being here with me.
truly.
thank you.

 

1:22am

a few shots after the show:
(sorting through the pix to get them up here)

lots of camshots before my show as i was trying to figure everything out.
lighting, fonts, what i wanted t say, wear, be , do, act, convey, etc...

it's not an easy task , even still after all these years.
so much has to be taken into account.
every facet and then simplify.
but then more.
and then less.
god there is no way i could ever show u unless you were here with me.

but i'm proud of my show tonight.
i think i did well.

that's all i can ask of me, is that i like it.
and i liked it.
i did my best under the circumstances.

i hope i can deliver like this every day now for the rest of the tour.
i'm snapping in.

 

12:03am

i still have 1/2 an hour before i go on but that's ok
because i'm still primping and figuring our fonts and lighting

10:53pm

i go on for my show in about an hour or so.
something like that.
i torn between doing something that people might expect me to do,
whatever that is..and what i'd like to do.
i think i'm going to go with what i want to do.

8:10pm

i worked through SO much today, it was just intense.
and then had a super huge heart to heart with jason which was so so good.
navigating through this mooshy mess of a life can be so confusing and overwhelming.
but like the viking i am, i have crossed the sloshy ocean in my massive viking ship
and it appears that i see land in sight.
i will have to explain everything i went through later.
it was hard enough navigating and keep my head above water and my ship afloat.
i will make a "captain's log" later.

i wonder how the SWAS tour is going.
tonight they are in san francisco.
i hope they will be able to get an internet connection where they will be.

i've nuked a "hungry man tv dinner" for myself.
i haven't eaten yet all day.
i have so many funny and interesting stories to tell you
of the russian energy worker i am working with right now.
and the progress i have made and what i think of the entire thing of it.

i do feel a lot of things in me have progressed for the good.
but it's hard to know if it's "all in my head" or if it's real or what is going on.
and so i am both a skeptic and a believer both at once.
just monitoring it all.
so much to say but i must eat.

i think i will watch "the bachelor in paris" even tho i ahve not watched any fo this season. i never watch any of those dating ones anymore. they kind of bore me now.
but i need some totally airheaded tv to watch because if i think one more deep thought i am likely to bust.

5:44pm

feeling better.
took a bath.
going to paint my toenails and fingernails i think.
i need pampering today.

4:53pm

we are all just broken toys
broken in by little boys

 

4:28pm

sorry i am not writing much today.
i am working through a lot.
talked my friend fuzzy's ear off on the phone.
wish i could say more but this is not the place for it.
i keep resting my hands on the keyboard to type.
a million sentences...not none of them will suffice.
so...sometimes it's best to say nothing rather than just blah blah blah, you know?
it's just like that sometimes.

1:56pm

piecing things together, i think.
maybe i need to write in my paper journal.
it's a lot to sort through. and it's all so simple but complex, both at the same time.
like everything.

i am glad it is sunny today. that is helping.
i run on solar power.

11:02am

got done talking to yuliya 20 minutes ago.
i'm not sure what to make of it all yet.
but at this moment i feel quite good.
and she is able to understand concepts that other people don't get.
so her way of affirming that there is a reason why i do things the way i do them are not completely foreign to her as they are to many. and that is very cool.
actually, i don't want to try to articulate any of this right now.
i would just like to be in this moment and not type about it.
so that is what i am going to do.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (February 13 2006)

Inward harmony
Weak, transient effect: This morning you feel very much in harmony with yourself and able to do whatever you have to do single- mindedly. Your energies flow with less resistance, and life seems to be easier now. As a consequence, you can relate to people more easily, for others perceive your inward harmony and are drawn to you because of it. Obviously this is a good time for any kind of group activity. You are able to relate your own interests to the interests of any group you are working with, so that everyone will gain from what you do. Relations with men are also improved for the same reasons. A marriage or intimate relationship will be especially harmonious now, for this is a time of real understanding. On the physical level this harmony is expressed as a feeling of vitality, even if you may not feel driven to accomplish a great deal of work.

and

It's time for you to get down to work but not just because it is a Monday. You are motivated now and need to feel like your attention is being used for practical purposes. Try to get as much accomplished today as possible, for you may feel a bit more scattered by tomorrow.

and

The Moon enters picky Virgo at 11:13 am EST, shifting the energy away from the drama of last night's Full Moon. But the intensity may not settle back down for another day or two, for Virgo's key planet Mercury is closing in on a conjunction tomorrow with electric Uranus. The emotionalism of the Full Moon is replaced by brilliant, unusual and even erratic thoughts. As the energy moves from our bodies up into our minds, we can burn a lot of brain cells just trying to stay focused. It may be easiest to loosen our mental control, instead of trying to tighten our grip.