feb 5th, 2006

11:01pm

i don't know what the hell i am doing.
all my effects are very noisy. i need all enw equipment. i think my microphone is screwed up. it gets distorted. my 4 track is very hissy.
i hope i can get something out of this.
we'll see.
it will all work out in the end.
it always does. doesn't it?

8:18pm

7:56pm

thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking.
and it's got me nowhere today.
blarg

2:52pm

i wish i would get my period already!
i'm just hanging here in the edge of it feeling edgey.
arrrrrrrrrgh.
bleed already dammit.

2:22pm

orb square history solve

(the random above the cam)

i lay on my bed, nervous and tired.
i can't sleep, i can't stay awake. i am inbetween.
the hours tick by.
my mind races. all thoughts at once.
making the soundpiece in my head.
how to start it , how to end it.
what to add, what to subtract.
how to mix, what to say,
my stomache flip flops.
my intestines twist.
my heart feels like burning lead.

i just need to begin.
i need to find the strength.
one step at a time.
i have to just take this one step at a time.
i'm getting ahead of myself and behind both at once.
everywhere but now and here.

outside is calm and sunny. it doesn't seem real.
i search for the bluebird of happiness

everyone has their eyes wide shut.
i'm so frustrated.

why is EVERYTHING that is not "officially reported" INSTANTLY invalidated as a "conspiracy theory"?
"conspiracy theory" is right up there with "femmenazi" as a way to invalidate, discredit, and categorize to be neatly filed under "hysterical" and therefore not worthy of actual critical THOUGHT.

1:51pm

i could fall right back to sleep again.
what is my deal?

1:37pm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terror_management_theory

"Terror management theory (TMT) is a developing area of study within the academic study of psychology. It looks at what researchers claim to be the implicit emotional reactions of people when confronted with the psychological terror of knowing we will eventually die (it is widely believed that our awareness of mortality is a trait that is unique to humans). The theory was first developed in the late 1980s by Skidmore college psychology professor Sheldon Solomon and others. Solomon was inspired by the theories of Ernest Becker (The Denial of Death, 1973) and Freud, on how potent reminders of one's own ultimate death often provoke a belief in some form of mystical transcendence (heaven, reincarnation, spiritualism, etc.).

The Theory embarks on the assumption that the capability of self-reflection and the consciousness of one’s own mortality, can be regarded as a continuous source for existential anguish. Culture diminishes this psychological terror by providing meaning, organisation and continuity to men and women. Compliance with cultural values enhances the feeling of security and self-esteem, provided that the individual is capable to live in accordance with these particular cultural standards. The belief in the rightness of the cultural values and standards creates the conviction to live a reasonable and meaningful life. Because of this men and women strive to have their cultural worldview confirmed by others, thereby receiving the community’s estimation. However, whenever one’s worldview is threatened by the weltanschauungen of another individual, it means that one’s self-respect is endangered as well. In such a situation people not only endeavour to deny or devaluate the importance third party weltanschauung, but try to controvert the ideas and opinions of others which may as a consequence escalate into a conflict.

Research has shown that people, when reminded of their own inevitable death, will cling more strongly to their cultural worldviews. The data appears to show that nations or persons who have experienced traumas (e.g. 9/11) are more attracted to strong leaders who express traditional, pro-establishment, authoritarian viewpoints. They will also be hyper-aware of the possibility of external threats, and may be more hostile to those who threaten them.

The theory gained media attention in the aftermath of 9/11, and after the re-election of President George Bush in the USA, Prime Minister Tony Blair in the UK, and John Howard in Australia.

Critics point to the over-reliance of the theory on around 150 relatively small-scale studies of mostly college student groups. Terror management researchers have shown that making research participants think about death will lead to such changes in behaviors and beliefs that seemingly protect worldview and self-esteem. Nevertheless, these researchers have not yet demonstrated that this happens for the reason they propose, namely to alleviate unconscious fears of death. Direct tests of this hypothesis are likely to soon emerge in the scholarly literature."

http://news.yahoo.com/s/prweb/20060130/bs_prweb/prweb339303_5

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/columnists/13760721.htm

12:09pm

nightmares all night long.
i'm exhausted from them and still vibrating.
i don't even want to write them down.
i'm just so sick of it.

today is sunny and cold.
today i HAVE to make HUGE amounts of progress on my soundpiece for the sex workers art show.
the schedule is here:
http://www.sexworkersartshow.com/schedule.html

although i do not know what time i am on.
i am going to ask if i can be on 1st for a few of the shows because i have other shows to go to that evening.
like on feb 26th i am going to see animal collective. so i hope i can work out my show and still go see that show.

i feel very fucking nervous today.
i just have a lot to do.
so no more typing and just doing.

one thought , tho, before i begin today.
i always thought the saying "the birds and the bees" was weird.
why birds and bees? i never see birds or bees having sex.
what strange symbols to depict explaining sex. i mean wtf?
then last night jason was looking at robert bruce's astral dynamics website
and there was a big white owl and a bunch of bees at the top, and again, i'm like wtf?
http://www.astraldynamics.com/welcome.asp?BoardID=56&BulletinID=387
yes, his explanation sounds all good and lovey dovey (ha dove)but i am still left with a very iffy feeling about it all.
i don't like the term "bee following"
and this whole "It symbolizes the intelligent source of order and meaning behind the apparent chaos of the universe." is so, again, masonic. the idea of the "great architect"

and more and more i question that there is this "source of order" "behind" "chaos".
chaos makes me nervous. it makes everyone nervous.
but i think i am making friends with it bit by bit and seeing the necessity, beauty and wiseness to chaos.
people think chaos is not wise. why is that?
why is order only considered wise?
i think chaos is getting a bad rap.
we are all so afraid to let go and go with the flow.
that , to me, is what "chaos" is.
like in the fiona apple video where she covers john lennon's song "across the universe"
and she just sits there, in her center, as the world crumbles about her.
one can be centered in chaos and acknowledge and realize much wisdom this way.
just as much as noticing order and it's many meanings.

i think chaos is very feminine. BEING in "chaos" is like channeling, being a medium, finding the message in the medium. the medium in the message.
one can easily be swallowed up whole by chaos. but one can just as easily be swallowed up whole by order, as you can see from the military.

it's hard to express my feelings on chaos since chaos defies description by it's very nature.
the second you describe chaos it becomes order.

oh, and i forgot to tell you, a few days ago i saw a pure white pidgeon. it was just absolutely snow white everywhere. it must have been an albino. it was truly stunning.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_BLUEBIRD

http://www.teatr-sats.ru/english/performance/bluebird/

if anyone can find this play called "the bluebird" let me know.
i want to read it.

i did find these

http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/maeterli.htm

here it says the blue bird was written by another man.
funny this man has also written things named "The Life of the Bee, The Life of the White Ant , The Double Garden , The Life of Space , Before the Great Silence , The Great Beyond , The Great Law , The Intelligence of Flowers

"Maeterlinck's most famous play, The Blue Bird, was first produced in 1909 by Konstantin Stanislavski at the Moscow Art Theater. The work, an allegorical fantasy conceived as a play for children, have been widely translated and adapted into screen several times. In the story Mytyl and Tyltyl, the children of a poor woodcutter, fall asleep after a disappointing Christmas. They dream that the fairy Berylune sends them to find 'the bird that is blue'. They set out the journey with a diamond with which they are able to see the souls of the objects that surround them. The children visit the Land of Memory. In the forest they are attacked by animals and trees but the faithful Dog saves Tyltyl's life. Their journey continues through the Palace of Happiness and Kingdom of the Future before they return home and are awakened by their mother. Their neighbour Berlingot (the fairy Berylune) begs Tyltyl's little bird for her dying children and Tyltyl notices that the bird is blue and the one they have been looking for. The child recovers but the bird escapes and the children ask the audience to return it. -

The play ran for nearly a year at the Moscow Art Theatre (1908), in 1909 it was produced at the Haymarket Theatre in London, a New York performance followed in October 1910, and in 1911 the play was produced in Paris at the Théâtre Réjane. Blue Bird was filmed in 1940, starring Shirley Temple, but this version vanished soon. The remake from 1976, a gesture of friendship between East and West, was a Russian-American co-production."

:) :) :)

+++

Horoscope for Aries (February 5 2006)

Although it's Sunday you will be feeling in a very get up and go mood, ready to take on the world; unfortunately the world is probably taking a break today! To avoid feeling restless and bored you should throw yourself into some team sport that involves some competition to use up all that surplus energy.

and

Thirst for action
Valid during several months: During this time there could well be arguments in your circle of colleagues, friends or acquaintances. You are energetic, decisive, perhaps also a bit impatient and belligerent, and have little desire to take the sensitivities and weaknesses of others into account. Presumably there is no bad intention on your part - you just want to get things done. If you, however, with your thirst for action, think you can lightly overcome every objection and obstacle, you may well find that someone puts a spoke in your wheel and brings you back to earth. If this happens, you have probably, without conscious thought, just rejected or ignored someone, which is something you would find distinctly unpleasant were the same to happen to you.

and

Social companions may encourage you to spend money on yourself today, but your financial condition might not warrant the outlay of cash. This is especially true if others are more excited than you about the potential purchase. Jeopardizing your stability is not an acceptable price to pay for something you don't really want.

and

Sunday


Most of this day the moon drifts void of course. Mercury squares Mars and now the freedom of communication can be tinged with a harsh tongue. The upside is that tough conversations can be fluid if we stay in the heart center. In the instant that we feel injured or attacked drop into where the arrow seems to pierce, behind every issue that we have is a secret that we haven't revealed to ourselves. So harsh exchanges can be elevated in just one breath if you have this centeredness.

Usually in these types of dialogues the fullness of the energy is ripe for this shift, when tugging on both ends of an argument both sides are released with just a momentary time out. If you repeat your position more than three times and it's still like hitting a wall it's time to walk around the block, use silence as a wash. Given the opportunity alternative viewpoints surface effortlessly. With the sun conjunct the social planet Neptune tonight there is light shown on the nature of the overwhelming drives and urges we share with the community.

In a way we are all enablers of the facts of squandering resources and the energies of the planet. So instead of looking away and falling back into the group denial we can use the revolutionary act of witnessing. Sometimes just clearly seeing a problem brings the solution.