feb 3rd, 2006
past anagrams	menu	utb

back from the new movie, factotum.
it had matt dillion and lili taylor. at the end of the movie lili even came out and answered a few questions! she is so tiny and cute.
tomorrow we go and see her do more q and a.

the film was really good.

jason is sleeping over. i'm waiting for the repeat of oprah at 1am, because i missed the 1st 25 minutes this afternoon.

i came across this site:

?????

http://www.xanga.com/myfragiledream

so depressing.
i was googling up about the model Vlada Roslyakova, who is not looking very well these days and that had me worried and found that site.
sites like these are so rampant now. it makes me so so sad.

http://www.xanga.com/groups/group.aspx?id=304531
http://www.xanga.com/groups/group.aspx?id=973228
http://www.xanga.com/groups/group.aspx?id=1244182
http://www.xanga.com/groups/group.aspx?id=1532090
http://www.xanga.com/groups/group.aspx?id=2039607
http://www.xanga.com/groups/group.aspx?id=2060398
http://www.xanga.com/ThinNPopular

it's so weird that my name, ana, is the "code word" for anorexia.
and then extra weird that i would write a song called "mother anorexia"
completely unaware of that correlation.

i'm so glad i dodged that bullet of being the poster child for anorexia which my last record label wanted to use me as. and not in a good or healthy way.
god, ti was so fuct up you would not even believe it.

ironically, on so many levels, getting my boob job saved my life.
because then i wasn't "anorexic looking" enough for him and so he didn't know how to arket me because now i just looked like a blonde bimbo (his words)
he would email me (the president of the company) and tell me that "a little birdy told him i was getting fat so i might want to stop eating befroe my photo shoot).
yes, he said that to me.
this is what they do to women.

so if you judge to harshly women who have anorexia (like brushing it off as they are vain and stupid) just remember they are MINDFUCKED to death.
literally.

also remember that every super skinny person does NOT have anorexia, even if YOU deem them to be underweight it does NOT mean they are sick. it's tricky and not so black and white as everyone wishes it was.
like the photo i have highlighted in green.
i was naturally that thin for most of my 20's and early 30's.
that was just the way it was. nothing i could do about it.

4:01pm

oh!
and then Survivor last night!
ah! my favourite woman was kicked off FIRST!
that has never happened to me!
the lumber lady and her son had just died, and then right after she cried she was just "given" a fish, and my friend and i were both "oooo! it's a SIGN!". i took it to mean the universe was trying to tell her life was plentiful or something.
to just be walking and find a HUGE living fish that the tribe could eat. she just had to pick it up with her hands! it was freaky!
then boom, she got kicked off and i'm not exactly sure why because i was too stoned by that point to understand!
but ya, i guess it was not a good idea for her to be grieving while being on survivor. so she was spared the ordeal?
who can know.

and then i really like the firedancer girl. how she found the huge dead turtle and felt so sad she drew a heart around it in the sand and set pretty rocks around it to honour it. and the other women were just like "what is UP with this chick? it's a dead turtle!"
but i totally got her. but note to self: if i ever get on survivor do NOT act in a freaky new age way. do not draw attention to yourseld, period. that is how i would play the game anyway.

which made me rethink if i even want to be on survivor now.
because life is precious and time is precious.
why spend a month on a GORGEOUS island if i had to hide who i was to be there?
would it be worth it? every moment we are given to truly express ourselves in our flawed beingness is a gift.
i don't think it's worth a million dollars to give that up and "become invisible".
then again, i suppose i could just still take it all in but just not tell anyone about it. so that would work out.

the firedancer will probably be the next one to be voted off.

i would have voted off that woman who is AFRAID of leaves!
how can you be on survivor and be afraid LEAVES?

and then kick off the woman who gave the tribe a HUGE fish to eat and was the hardest worker and is a lumberjill??
and keep in the woman who did no work and is afraid of leaves?

i feel bad for the guy who is quitting smoking cold turkey on survivor. ah! wouldn't want to be him!
quitting from 3 packs a day and then throwing him on an island with strangers and bugs and no shelter?
eek! he is going to be VERY unhappy.

the astronaut guy looks interesting.

oh and the guy who tried to get everyone to do a meditation to start fire.
i mean i am weird, totally (duh), and i do believe you could start a fire with meditation.
but the way he went about it was just odd.
he got everyone to put their hands together and then said "feel that?"
(not at all explaining why he had put their hands together or what they were supposed to do)
and THEN after much concentration by him and total confusion of the others, he said "we're going to create a fire"
they all wait a very long and uncomfortable time.
no fire starts and he says "well, i guess that didn't work!"
:)
that was funny :)

3:06pm

today on oprah dave chapelle is going to talk about why he left his show so mysteriously.
gonna watch that.
then clean the thing room in a big way and get everything ready to record my soundpiece.
connect all my instruments up.
MUST make it. i hope to FINISH it by tomorrow.
my 1st show is one week from today! eek!

last night i got SO stupidly stoned. i don't think i have been that stoned since..i can't even remember.
i mean i was stoned when i watched willie wonka but nothing like that.
wasn't my weed. i don't even have any anymore.
lord, i could not even move from my bed or operate my computer.
i sort of watched CSI and without a trace and let me tell ya, those are not good shows to watch while stoned.
my brain fractalled off into WAY too many ways in the most intense way possible.
i was just going to the CORE of everything. and it is PAINFUL to go to the core of about 30 things at once.
i was connecting to the characters on the tv in a way that was just flipped out.
i know the characters were not real but what they were portaying was things people have gone through.
and i was empathizing with everything and going ow ow ow ow ow owwwwww!
so many people in so much pain and fear!
like the murderer who killed to peole even tho he "didn't want to"
and he said in the end "where di i go wrong?"
and the CSI guys "you killed two people!"
to feel THAT much fear and be that selfish to kill.
i was going deep into it but then i could not even concentrate fully on that one person because then there would be another scene and i would be empathizing with all of THAT and deconstructing every particle of this.
and then whatever parts of this would resonate with parts of ME, i would deconstrcut THAT to the Nth degree!
so i was just deep in fear and pain and choice, and why we make the choices we make.
and if those choices are based in fear or not.
but then a million subsets of that.
and i was trying to get it down to the very essences of why everyone does what they do.
why they make the choices they make based on what they believe.
and i got it down to the beliefs of
1. you believe you create your own reality
a. if something bad happens to you it is because you brought this to yourself to learn a lesson from it.
b. is something bad happens to you it is because you believe you should be punished for something (karma)
c. you believe that if something bad happens to you it's because you just haven't figured out yet how to make only good things happen to you. you believe that there should not be consequences for things that cause you any pain at all, no matter what it is you do.

and then there are more subsets of this and ones i haven't not thought of yet or that i forgot.

2. you believe the universe is meaningless and things just happen haphazardly
a. if you do something bad you may as way do bad things because you might just get away with it since there is no meaning to anything, there is only self preservation
b. since life is meaningless and haphazard, it is dangerous to show your true nature. you could be harmed for it if others do not like who you are.
c. you may as well be yourself and whatever happens happens.

3. you believe in fate and things are preset to just be that way.
a. there are only one way things go
b. the universe is infinite and all possibilities are happning now.
c. there is no good or bad, the universe expresses itself in all ways. it was to in order to be infinite.

4. you believe there is an outside force (god) that is controlling the way things go.
a. you try and negotiate with this outside force to make things go your way
b. you hate this outside force for not caring if bad things happen to you.

and then there is way more than this and even combinations of these.
or maybe ALL of them are true, which is probably the case.
so maybe it just comes down to which one you WANT to believe?
which again, is about choice.
and then choosing to believe in whatever you choose to believe in and you you APPLY these core beliefs to every choice you make.
EVER single choice you make.

and i realized how many people are in just such intense pain because they are afriad of what people will think of their true natures. and all the problems that arise from this.
and i was just on overload. my heart was beating so fast.
but i just went with it and let myself be in total and complete fear from a compassionate stance.
even tho i was totally able to BE in that fear i was still able to watch it from a compassionate angle that was detached...not detached as in not caring but detached as in able to see clearly what was happening even tho i was in that state.
which made me think of emotion in a completely new way.
and i realized that , in a very big way, emotions are not ME.
they are OF me, and they are necessary in order to navigate.
but they are not the ESSENCE of myself.

and that was very intense.
and i will be processing all of that for a long time to come.
i seriously felt as if the universe/me was uploading/downloading all this really intense core information into me.
and that even if i could not understand it all right then and there, it is still in me to access later somehow.
and i just laid there and shook at the beauty and pain of it.
i can't even express it in words.

but now i definitely have a much more clear idea about how extremely intense it would be if i took on trying to "map" the "weather of emotion" of the world based on core beliefs and why people choose to do what they do based on these core beliefs.
and this will help me be more exact in my survey of people in order to extract the information.

but it made me realize what an even more difficult thing this will be.
because there are VERY few people who are honest with themselves, even if they can speak in total anonymity.
and i lot of the questions i have to ask are questions that i don't think people would know the answers to.
because who does such core work within themselves and who deconstructs themselves this much to know the answers as to why they do what they do?
but i suppose from those people i will just get answers like "because god says" and stuff.

and that is why it will be crucial to get people who are really sensitive to all the energyies and frequencies around them so they can help discern what is going on and report back.

this will take years to even start this. have so much to learn myself.
and last night i was shown how very much i have to learn.
it was kind of discouraging because of the extreme largeness of it.
my "weather" station will be crude, at best.
but it's a START.
it is at least that.
you have to start somewhere.

---

tonight jason and i are going to see a new lili taylor movie.
and then tomorrow we go to a place where she is going to be speaking :)

---

a place called forty fort:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forty_Fort,_Pennsylvania

---

update:

an answer to sunnybananas after we both saw the oprah show:

yes, my brain works this way all the time, too!
and yes, pot just makes it sharper and more amplified for me.
so people will probably read this and think i am thinking this way because i was stoned, when actually, i constantly think this way...it just gets more amplified and "sharper" with pot.

i missed the 1st 20 minutes of oprah, but what i saw was great!
and i have SO much to say about that,
like how chappelle's "breaking point" was that he would not wear a dress.
verrrry interesting on many many levels.

he is definitely a very sensitive person who does not know how to have boundaries. i'm glad he had oprah there to guide him. i think she will help him a lot.

i could relate to a lot of what he said, like when i was on the major music labels and what i went through. it IS VERY hard to stay in your center in that. more hard than anyone can imagine who hasn't gone through it.

---

other things i wrote:

yes, i did get that from him.
i understood his point.

but no one seems to get the more important underlying message which is "why is the most humiliating thing you can do to a person is to make them a woman or feminize them in some way?"

why is that the ULTIMATE put down?

they also use that tactic as a way to torture prisoners.

btw, lots of white comedians also dress up as women. even arnold schwartenegger was a "mommy".

and now he is a governor.

chapelle has a very deep fear of women.
you can see this thread continued in his work all the time.
yet he misses this obvious point, and so do a lot of other people.

as yoko said,
woman is the nigger of the world

---

so i am saying, he should have rejected doing the comedy bit where he dresses up as a woman who is a prostitute based on the fact that all that does is furtherly ingrain in our consciousnesses that most humiliating thing one can be is a woman, especially a prostitute.

but i am glad that he at least got it to the point where he understood that they were trying to take his power away from him, as a man, and as a black man.

but we have to question the method in how they take the power away.
because at that deeper level lies a an even bigger problem that needs addressing before any of us, race, sex, couuntries, etc are ever going feel "equally valid" and important, etc.

yes, he went straight into the homophobia of it, as well.

it was good he went on the oprah show and was with all of those women.
i hope this can become a start of a healing for him with his women and homophobia issues.

he seems like a very smart, intelligent and compassionate man.

2:26pm

took these with my nikon the other day

2:22pm

photo by powered_monk
with my cam photo on his tv :)

 

2:12pm

1:53pm

+++

Horoscope for Aries (February 3 2006)

It is possible that a lack of confidence will have you overcompensating at work or school, but the problem will actually be less significant than you first suspect. Minor miscommunications are likely, but you will be able to laugh them off if you hold onto your sense of humor.

and

Today during the day you may display great sensitivity and feeling in front of or when dealing with others. Or you may allow your thinking to be entirely overcome by personal and subjective considerations so that no one can communicate with you or understand you. This influence can go either way. On the positive side, it enables you to feel out the mood of a group of people so that you can appeal to their deepest emotional concerns. But on the negative side, this influence may make you shy away from groups or from people in general. The same energy that enables you to feel out moods also makes you feel vulnerable and exposed with others. Thinking and decision- making are not favored by this quality of time, because your mind is dominated by petty personal motives that cannot go beyond your immediate psychological necessities.

and

General Sun Sign Horoscope:

It has been difficult for many of us to get our needs met since Venus, the planet of romantic love and money, began her retrograde phase on December 24th. Today as Venus apparently changes direction and resumes forward movement, however, we can finally set our sights on the future instead of spending time focusing on the past; the resistance to our desires starts to soften. This shift into the sensual realms is heightened as the Moon enters earthy Taurus at 8:32 pm EST.

and

There's no need to worry about whether or not you will be appreciated by your peers. If you have been doing your work without stirring up too much trouble, then get ready to receive accolades for your efforts. But don't get too antsy; your need for immediate recognition could spoil what will still take time to reach fruition.

and

Friday
Venus direct 1:19am PST 16 degrees Capricorn
Moon into Taurus 5:31pm PST

Grab the continuing issues in your life and the new ones cropping up since the new moon. What are the overlapping needs. Sometimes repotting a plant can lead to great financial planning. Sensitive attention to the work and play environments can have strong and lasting influence for the next few days. The phrase 'always work, never hurry' and 'live your life like you're always on holiday' are phrases that call up the energy of the Moon in the sign of the bull.

There is elegant beauty and inspiration to be had in the utilitarian. A kitchen that prepares great food for self and others while humming like a well oiled temple is a tool that keeps on giving. These subtle adjustments in the home lead to powerful and gentle adjustments in how we view and interact in the community.