jan 26th, 2006
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it's all in how you look at it.

http://www.getty.edu/art/exhibitions/devices/flash/pdf/p_anamorphosis.pdf

who we are shapes how we view
how we view shapes who we are
our shape defines how we view

http://www.olemiss.edu/depts/u_museum/Millington/cylinder.htm
http://www.stefanisaacs.com/movabletype/images/wenner.jpg
http://www.thebigcamera.com.au/Magic-mirror.html
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/8716/stairs.html

2:32am

there are people on my friends list that i do not remember adding.
how bizarre.
looking at my friends list for a break, and journal entries by people who i have NO clue who they are on there.
i went to their journals and they do seem like interesting and cool people and we do have common interests.
so, i guess it's a good thing?
but just weird.
my brain confounds me sometimes.
i do go through mass deletions and then mass adding at various times, depending on my mood.
i guess they must have said something nice to me in my journal and so i added them.
i think i do remember adding people i didn't know who said nice things to me when i was super pissed off about things last week. but i guess the reality of adding them had not hit me until now.
not like that is very important...and maybe that is why i do not remember, because my brain is just so extremely full of things right now, there is no room for me to remember things like who i add to my friends list?
i do know i am extremely preoccupied.
still...curious.

like the other day i told jason i dreamt that i put on his glasses but i could see out of them pretty much ok, that the prescription was not as harsh as i remembered it being. (usually when i try on people's prescription glasses it makes me dizzy to try and look out of them).
and jason said, no that wasn't a dream , you did that the other day.

it's weird when dreams become so real and then reality becomes like a dream.
i don't know if that is a good thing, a bad thing, or just a "thing". but i do feel i am functioning pretty well, regardless. as well as someone like me can function given the circumstances i am in. so...ya. i'm not dead, i'm not killing anyone. i'm paying my bills. i'm creating. i'm basically happy. i have moments of despair but also moments of comfort.
so...i guess i should not worry if i do not remember trying on prescription glasses or adding people to my friends list.
but it's still perplexing.

but ya, it's weird like if i upload new information to my brain sometimes it seems to erase over old files.
maybe i am getting senile.

isn't that part of menopause, too?
you start forgetting things?
not like i am in menopause but i now see what women in menopause mean when they say they forget things.
as long as i don't overwrite the really important files like where i live and who i am and how gravity works and remember to feed the dogs things should be ok.

i think i will call this new way of being "reality surfing".
maybe someone has already called it that.
like surfing the channels of multidimensional reality and learning how to surf the wave rather than go under and become completely disoriented.
i think sometimes i do get disoriented, temporarily, but i think i am getting better and better at riding the wave.
to be a good surfer you have to take some spills along the way.

ok, do i go to bed now or do i have a red bull and stay up and make myself crochet one more thing.

back to channel one.

googled "reality surfing" and i guess i am not the "originator" of that thought.
people are using it in the way i mean it:

http://forums.aliensoup.com/archive/index.php/t-13652.html

interesting.

this is what the person on that forum said:

"Has anyone here ever experimented with reality surfing?

I mean, you wake up, try to figure out where you are, context-wise, next day again, and so on and try to follow a particular path or just try to notice where you're going?

(I assume that during sleep periods, my consciousness chooses it's reality focal point in the dimensions of probability and reality)"

and he only got one reply, and that reply was "huh?"

haha :)
i wish i could find the guy who was reality surfing who made that post.
i'd like to see what more he has to say about it this now.
maybe *I* am the one who posted it and i just don't remember?
who can know anymore.

i found it interesting on oprah today.
she and readers of this "memoir" a guy wrote are super pissed off at this guy because i guess he lied about certain aspects of his memoir and embellished parts.

everyone was like "if we don't have STANDARDS for the TRUTH, how will we ever know what is truth and what is not truth?"

so now there might be certain "grades" to memoirs.
like this is 90% the truth or something.

is there really EVER 100% truth?
is that something that can ever be achieved?
what is truth anyway?
once you get into multidimensionality, defining truth becomes tricky if not downright ridiculously impossible.

truth is a paradox.
everything is true.
everything is a lie.

but then good arguments were brought up for "truthkeeping" such as there are people in this world who are saying the holocaust was a lie or a hoax. (which is really ridiculous to me, i don't know how anyone could believe that, but then there are people out there who really think george bush is a christian so...)
so i can see where "upholding the truth" is important.
to not forget history.

which totally brings me back to a lot of what i was thinking about the other day with my cam. and how i started it to "let the truth be known about who i was" so that people would finally SEE me and GET me for what i TRULY was.

but i see now, after all this time, that is impossible because people only see what they want to see and believe what they want to believe.

and also it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to really share my experience with you completely accurately and truthfully, as i see it.

you are only getting a picture of a room in my house ever 30 seconds.
and what i write here is the tiniest fraction of what goes through my mind.
and even if you were HERE, right next to me, you still would not be ME, in my body experiencing things as i experience them.
so how can i ever give you the truth?
i can only give you fractions of truths.
and those truths are constantly changing.

so how COULD a "memoir" EVER be "truthful" in "reality"?
it's an absurd concept.
how could a person ever distill their experience into one BOOK and have that be truth?

one would almost have to embelish certain "scenes" to get the EMOTION of something conveyed. you can't shoot bullets out of a book or touch a button and feel fear and smell sweat or see into someones eyes. so, in a way, you have to express the "truth" in a different way in order to get the "essence" of the reality of what that person experienced across.

but i'm not sure.
i just can see both sides of this issue.
i both disagree with this "crack down for truth" and also see that it is completely pointless and maybe even not to our advantage.

like a person could write about how they climbed a mountain with no food and water and maybe this is an entire lie.
but that seed is planted in someone that it is POSSIBLE because someone wrote it down as TRUE.
and then because this person believed it was true, they DID go out and climb a mountain with no food and water.

and then for the person who climbed the mountain with no food and water to get PISSED at the person who lied about it but inspired this person to do something they didn't think was ever even possible...i don't know...how is that bad?

does this person then want to yell at the liar and say "i climbed a mountain with no food and water but i never would have even TRIED if it hadn't been for YOU! and now i am angry at you because i have achieved "the impossible"?

science is really the "ultimate liar", in many ways. because it tells us "this is possible and this is not".
and it has been proven over and over that science was wrong.
how many times has science said "you'll never be able to do that" and then someone does it? countless times.

yet do we drag "science" onto the oprah show and make it apologize to the entire world?

there are all sorts of books that claim te be true that people think are false and vice versa.

anyway, it's kind of interesting that this "accident" or "lie" brought this topic of truth to the forefront of millions of people's thoughts today.
it signals to me some sort of tiny shift, a crack.
even if they thought they were sealing it tighter, i think what they did was crack open something.
like a tiny bird cracking from inside the egg with it's beak.

we are birds pecking at our shells. and i think we are going to be so surprised at the outcome of that.

ok, i vote for going to bed and maybe i will crochet something this after noon before i go to the post office.
dang it's 3:33am now :)
funny it is that number.

1:58am

holy crap that scarf took a long time to make!
that took me over ten hours!
why was i thinking it would take me 4 hours?
wow, i totally misjudged that by a mile.
i was so concentrated on it that i cannot believe 10 hours have even passed.
i decided to just make what i was going to make and they will have to improvise instead of me improvising.
because i am just not there or going to be there so i have no way at all of bending to what they need since i just don't have enough information to go on.
so it's a scarf. and i pretty darn colourful one.
it looks very cirque du soleil.
i will take pictures of it tomorrow when it's light before i send it off.
if they are in a booth, it will definitely act as a "flag" to get people's attention.
i have so much to say and i am listening to dreamland.
but i don't have time to type.
i have to now decide if i am going to try and go to bed or stay up and keep going and start a third thing.

 

11:59pm

i'm torn about what to do with the thing i am making.
i want to take it in a direction that would take much longer to finish it, and i might not have it done in time and also they have no way to display it.
i wish i could see what this thing was that they are going to and see what this set up is.
they said they bought an entire mannequin just for my hat (i found thid out today),
and said it would be cool if what i had to make could also fit on her because that is all they have to display. which makes me wonder how do they display everything else?
but then i do not know what "everything else" is.
i suppose everything else is just yarn?
i wish they had just bought like 3 mannequin heads so i can make 3 hats...and they don't have to match.
because i don't have really anyway of making some sort of other wardrobe item that will match the hat i sent them.
i am just in a quandry about some things.
mor than i can explain and more than you probably want to hear.
and it's midnight...

i'm making this huge furry caterpillar scarf thing...
i am thinking they could even use it as a "garland" to their booth.
if they are even in a booth.
i wish i were there to help set this thing up.
i used to do displays for a living.

well, i guess i still do, in a way :)
just a different way :)

everything i get involved in i want to be involved in every aspect of it.
i like to see and work with the whole picture of things.

5:33pm

i feel back on track now and i think i will be working all night to finish these things for lionbrand :)

5:15pm

oh yay, lionbrand loved the hat :)

that makes me happy to get that feedback :)
i am going to overnight the rest of the stuff to them tomorrow to their event in vegas that starts on monday.
they don't know if they will be able to display it, but i am going to cross my fingers that they figure out a way!
because they have the weekend to set up everything.

*crosses fingers*

4:03pm

told lionbrand that i cannot meet their deadline for today.
asked if i could send the 2nd thing straight to their event.
i hope i can.
i'll just keep working on it now that i am home, but i cannot finish it and make it to the p.o. in one hour.

it's ridiculously warm out. 46 degrees.
that is completely insane for january here.

everyone is really happy about it, and it is really nice.
but global warming is nothing to joke about.
i don't know wtf happened to dennis miller, but i saw him on leno a few nights ago and he really has turned into rush limbaugh or something.
he looked like a big bloated white asshole spouting off about "who cares about alaska?" and i can't even remember what else but all the words he vomited from his mouth were so smug like some over buttered overpriveleged jackass. whatever.
someone needs to drop him in the middle of cambodia or nepal, naked, and leave him there to fend for himself.
maybe they could just eat him so he could contribute SOMETHING to the benefit of mankind.

ok, enough complaining.
everything is good.
everything is good.
everything is good.

time to crochet my big furry thing even tho i am not going to meet their deadline. i DID send them that hat, tho.
so it's not like i didn't do anything.
and that hat rocks.

2:12pm

ok, off the the drugstore and then buy some 7 day candles and then back again and see if i can finish one more thing before lionbrand and make it to the p.o. before they close.
can it be done?
we'll see.

1:45pm

found a dollar and a quarter so got a pop.
now into the bath i go.
how did it take me that long just to do that?

12:58pm

i am shifting shifting shifting away from fear.
i will not be dissolved in it.
it is not mine.

12:27pm

i woke up today to more static and fear.
i'm trying not to take in people's static and fear but it's hard not to when you wake up from a nightmare infested night and then see that the assholes from yesterday have still not taken you off their list and are still saying vile things.
it's like i have my own subscription to rotten.com streaming at me and it sucks.
i said in huge capital letters TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST! and so i hope they do now or else i will ban them all from my email.
horrible epic long dreams about my mom and screaming at her and crying and just hours worth of torture.

i'm trying to pull myself together so i can get on with my day and release all this fear in me, both coming from within me and from people outside of me. not to mention the news today that hamas won in a landslide in palestine and so this is another precursor to world war 3.

i have been really good at not watching or reading any news but last night i mad the unfortunate mistake of watching nightline. the american journalists on their could not have been more pompous and condescending to the leader of hamas. no wonder they hate our guts. of course i know it's not that simple and this goes back centuries.

it's all so fucking stupid and makes me want to cry.

so, i took a xanax and put on brian eno's music for airports.

and i don't know if i will finish the extra little things i had been wanting to make for lionbrand today.
they need to to ail it all today if it is going to make it in time fo their event.
but i did make them the hat and got that to them.

i need to go to the drugstore today to refill some prescriptions.
i just have so much to do it's ridiculous and i am trying to shed all this fear in me.

oh and more 7 day candles. i need that, too.
i wish i had some GOOD incense.
i've been burning that gonesh #6 stuff because that is all i have.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (January 26 2006)

Network every chance you get. You will expand your friendships and build a strong business base. When you have acquaintances from different walks of life, it can open up a host of opportunities for you.

and

At this time you have to deal with your own hurt feelings - either you are reminded of old wounds by some incident, or a sore point is disturbed again. Maybe you feel a little weak and are conscious of a certain aversion to handling the usual everyday interchanges - a feeling as if you were coming down with flu. If you now have the need to be alone, then that is what you should really do. If you make too many demands on yourself or if you are not left in peace, you may become hurtful to others - for example, your children if you are a parent - as a result of a certain indifference. Fortunately, this influence lasts at most half a day.

and

Your impulsive reactions could unleash more anger than you intend, and even if what you say is truthful, it won't necessarily be diplomatic. Make use of the steady Capricorn Moon and strive for conscious diplomacy. Blowing off steam will certainly be less effective than taking the more reserved route.

and

We begin the slip towards the darkest days of the lunar cycle, now is the time to sink inward and sense for the basics of your life. What is it you really want? Usually when we are dissatisfied or dismayed it's more we haven't clearly defined where we want to shift our relationships and communicating what you don't know is impossible. With the aspect of the Sun and Mercury melding in Aquarius our communications can be deep and lasting. Going for the simple and direct is much better than visual aids, charts and grafts. Check all exchanges directly through the heart and make sure that the tongue and the heart are aligned; any deviation will become larger with time.