jan 24th, 2006
past anagrams	menu	utb

10:30pm

the new woody allen movie "matchpoint" was very very good.
i won't say anything more because i don't want to ruin it for anyone.

we had dinner with one of jason's coworker's and his wife.
both were super sweet nice people but i don't think i have ever been around that "normal" of people in quite awhile. i was worried for awhile that we had nothing to talk about or relate to until i finally made the connection that the wife was interested in researching the old testament.

who knew that my recent research on saint paul (the actual guy not the city) and how he was converted to christianity by jesus christ making him blind and then curing him would come in handy in a conversation!
*whew*

:)

4:38pm

i just realized that it's my mom's birthday in a few days.
i think she will be 61?
i am sad we are so estranged.

i'm leaving in 5 monutes to go out to eat and a movie.
i'm not very hungry.

i got lots of keys today that people sent me to my p.o. box

i'm going to go dry my hair now.
what a weird day.

i added adam ant as a friend on my space and he added me back.
i wonder if it is really him.

oprah is about the bird flu today.
i don't know why, but i am not scared of catching it.
and if i was offered a vaccine for it, i would choose to not be vaccinated.
it's not that i can't comprehend it.
it's just that i know i am going to live to a very old age, and bird flu is just not the way i am going to die.
it's just one of those things you just "know".
of course, i could be wrong
and be dead by next year.
that would certainly be a surprise to me.

1:50pm

sent off the hat.
that felt good.
i hope they like it.
i never did get any good photos of it. oh well.
now i am going to make just a few more things and get those sent off by thursday and then i am done with that.
then it's all about preparing for the sexworker's art show.
i'm making a bath and nuked some noodles that jason made yesterday.

12:15pm

bunny with pancake

feeling calmer.
talked to jason on the phone for a few minutes.
he has the nicest voice.
i've always loved that about him.

i hope we can find a good counselor.
the one i had with my mom was completely worthless.
from my experience, it's hard to find a good counselor.
i really hate the ones that answer every question with a question or just sit there and "listen" and take notes. and then ask you what YOU would like to do. i mean, if i knew what to do i wouldn't BE there. i want a counselor who isn't afraid to express their opinions on the matter. i mean that is why you go there, for their COUNSEL.

1. The act of exchanging opinions and ideas; consultation.
2. Advice or guidance, especially as solicited from a knowledgeable person.

and then there is the bigger fear that what is broken cannot be fixed.
or is everything fixable?
can love really heal all? or is that just a nice concept we grip on to in times of fear?
i hope love can heal all. i choose to believe that today.
ok, enough ruminating.
time to get ready to go to the p.o.

11:21am

i feel like hell. i didn't eat anything yesterday.
i don't think i can eat anything now either.
oh wait, i did eat a piece of beef jerky and 3 pretzels.
i didn't send my hat off yesterday like i said i would.
i need to send it off today.
my body is just one big thing of fear, adrenaline, uncertainty and pain.
i would like to just not be awake today.
but i can't shut down. i have too many things to do.
i just want life to be happy and good.
good things are happening to me.
good things on the horizon.
everything so full of promise and all i feel are my guts in my thoat and i want to not be here.
i want to curl up into a tiny ball.
i have to remember to breathe.
diet coke and xanax for breakfast.
thank god for xanax. it is my saving grace so often.

tonight at 4:45pm we go out to eat with some of jason's
friends and then we are going to see the woody allen movie.
as much as i am not in the mood to do anything, i think it will be good to do something anyway do i do not ruminate.

i'm going to get ready to go to the p.o. box now and then come home and take a bath and then crochet until leave for the movie.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (January 24 2006)

You'll be in a very good position to do something that will benefit others. Being a leader or at the center of whatever is going on will enable you to make needed reforms. Don't be afraid to take a different approach.

and

Equilibrium
This is a time of psychological and emotional equilibrium, when the different aspects of your personality are in tune with each other. You can face your daily life with less effort than usual, which is bound to have some consequences in your material universe as well. Relations with friends and close neighbors will be very harmonious, and you may make some new friends. People will be at ease with you today because you are at ease with yourself. The routine discussions, negotiations and transactions of everyday existence will offer no obstacles. This is an especially good time to think about your personal and emotional life. Strains in that area can be corrected now, because you are relatively at peace with yourself and with others, and communications about personal matters should be easy.

and

When friends let you down, you are often the first one to forgive and forget. Now, however, it may not be so easy to move past your disappointment. Part of the difficulty comes from how high you've set your standards. Don't lower your expectations, but you'll be happier if you leave room for others to be human.

and

Tuesday
Moon into Sagittarius 10:38am PST
It's nice to have some direction today, some point of focus and target. Also the sense of a plan how it can all work out in the best interest of everyone. Without dismissing the state of mind we've just come from we can drop it and pick up this new direction that has been unveiled. Each step increases the chance that new avenues can be explored and become family