| jan
18th, 2006 |
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okey dokey smokey i am going to get
out that yarn and set it out before me so that it is right there in front
of me for tomorrow. there is no way of getting around it.
i'm setting it up so it is right in front of my eyes.
and then one step at a time i will get it done.
it's all in my head i just have to put in effort.
lots and lots of effort.
enough talking.
seriously. i'm shutting up now, i SWEAR.
and yes i will get back to the cam.
don't worry!
all is well.
thanks for putting up with me.
i'm a handful sometimes :)
did anyone tape that history channel
thing on lincoln?
i really want to see that.
now i am going to watch:
Walking the Bible Part 3 of 3: Toward the Promised Land: Forty Years in the Desert (Doc) The path Moses took through the Sinai desert to the Red Sea, then to Mt. Sinai.
and then:
The War That Made America: A Country Between; Unlikely Allies (Historical) George Washington triggers a war; relations intensify.
ya, nice relaxing crap to fall asleep
to.
hahah :)
oh shoot!
but on c2c it's
Documentary filmmaker and researcher Alex Jones will talk about the latest
infiltration of the Bohemian Grove, automated tracking systems, and developments
in the NSA spying scandal.
decisions decisions!
11:38pm
i am completely in love with myself
today or something.
i guess it's ok to have days like that :)
better to like yourself than to not!
but seriously i need to wrangle my wandering mind DOWN. i need to get a lasso
and just whip this sucker down to the ground and tell it to CHILLIFY!
what is the deal? i feel like i could solve all the world's problems right
now if only everyone would just understand the sheer shining brilliance of
my brain.
*sigh* what to do?
yes here i am in all my double aries with leo rising in full fire mode primping
in front of the mirror going "oh ya baby....ka CHING!"
right now i am like tom cruise in that people will either love me, hate me,
or think i am out of my mind.
but i don't care 'cause i'm tom cruise, maaaaaan.
*jumps on oprah's couch and causes a nationwide uproar about mania and
scientology*
'cause no one can be THAT happy,
successful , and in LOVE on on top of just finishing a speilberg film you
know? there's no wayyyyyyyy. he has to be CRAZY.
he's a maniacal man-boy who needs to be reined in! no one is allowed that
much joy!
(ok, i agree the telling brook shields that she should not have taken drugs
was pretty pompous, and scientology IS pretty damn freaky...but hey. whatever.)
*jumps on oprahs couch again*
ok, no actually i am just sitting rather calmly in my chair at my desk.
if i was jumping around it would be very difficult to type.
what am i doing? oh, i am procrastining. i am THEE master of procrastination.
this is where my real genuis lies. can i get a "hey! ho!"
what is it with me that i will do anything except what i am "supposed"
to do?
ohmigod *metaphorically rips hair out of head*
today i am a shrink, a detective, a profiler, an art critic, and a PROCRASTINASTOR!
so because i am still in procastination
mode and in love with my BRAIN today because i am in love with EVERYONE'S
brain today (ok, no not everyone's, i exagerate slightly...yes, i know, i
exagerate a gazillion times a day :) yes i know i don't know how to spell
exagerate. exxagerate. exaggerate. nothing looks quite right.
oh well.)
okokokok.........(i need a massage!)
so here are some gem's today from my fantasical self:
ME on whether or not *I* think it's strange there is a wikipedia entry about ME:
"i think it's strange i don't have my own temple carved out of butter in anarctica with an army of winged crystalinne polar bears by now! :) haha :)
so, it's not very strange to me to see that i have a wikipedia entry. but it's very nice! :)
but i'm waiting for giant moths from hollow earth to emerge and take me to my butter temple and they are a little late so i might have to improvise.
i guess i should be used
to it by now, but i still really hate waiting and this whole "time"
thing in general is pretty strange to me. but i deal."
ME on what *I* think about studies used to market cigarettes:
"it's just bizarre
how many studies they are and how specific they get. who knew benson and hedges
did a study on what gay guys think about their cigarettes. you know? and it's
so detailed.
i just really knew they got that specialized before. although i shouldn't
be surprised.
yet to read it...it just creeps me out!
they have probably already done a study on how they can market to the upper
east side coming from a poor family yet mobile up and coming transexuals in
korea by now.
how can they "tap that".
what a weird job to have. i wonder how many people work on this field figuring
out data from studies and turning that into actual information they can use
to their advantage.
it's like having a job where you are trying to profile a serial killer or
something but it's a whole mass of people instead."
ME on what *I* think a genuis is:
"my definition of
it would be someone who makes others think in a completely new way about things.
someone who aids in the evolution of mankind in some way by putting things
together in new ways and helping everything run more efficiently. like the
inventor of the wheel, etc.
someone who not only learns how to catch fish but teaches others how to catch
fish as well.
although maybe that is not a very good definition because there could be geniuses who are hermits living up in the mountains who we will never meet.
or someone like henry darger who was "just a janitor" but actually was making the most elaborate "children's story" of all time.
i guess "free thinker" would be the simplest definition for me. where it would seem the thoughts come from out of "midair" but really they are just plugging into "the source" of all creation.
the people who are able to plug inot that source and actually put it to "good use" and not go completely batshit insane from it.
a fine line between genius and insanity.
that would be my quickie definition at the moment."
ME on what *I* think of mark ryden:
"well, yes he is influenced by that and obviously all the big eye paintings and religious paintings throughout all of time.
but again, as you said
it's the way someone sees relationships between certain things.
that's a good definition as any.
and while his painting STYLE is borrowing from many painters (which is totally crucial to the "vibe" of the entire thing...it has to be painted with as much seriousness as a hieronymous bosch painting to make the point he is making..if it were painted in any other way it would not have the same impact)
other people have already made the connections he has, too, in word form.
but no one (that i have
seen) has so eloquently expresses this in VISUAL form.
and as they say "a picture is worth a thousand words")
how he is able to take the fabric of humanity, it's psyche (and thousands of years of it), from hieronymous bosch times all the way up to the time of NOW...piecing all of this together..all this history, all these cultures and how they all fit into each otehr, the opression of women, child abuse, hitler, the assination of lincoln, the entire masonic "world and how this fits in with everything...from islam to jesus to leonardo dicaprio to santa claus...astronauts..well, just everything almost!
with the language of children, most especially girls, which is CRUCIAL to well...everything!
taking the alphabets and symbols from everything everywhere and so completely showing how it is all connected to each other throughout all of time....to how the universe is created and why. and why we think certain ways and what is "behind" it all.
it's just...immensely graceful and so THOROUGH. yet still even with all of this he still maintains a cleverness that isn't so bloated and happy with itself that it is disgusting in anyway. it still has a light and a joy and a playfulness even in all it's darkness. and such a difficult thing to balance that much dark with THAT much light.
pink bunnies and the slow suicide of our world. but in looking at it it doesn;t make you want to shoot yourself . you just want to look at it over and over.
i find that to be quite a feat :)
i love how and where he places lincoln in all his paintings. and i love where he places everything in relationship to eahc other.
plus he is a freaking
AMAZING painter, technically, with a perfect eye for colour, form, light,
shadow, balance...
he just has the entire "thing" down from every angle. and that's
rare to come by.
and the PATIENCE to make these. the whole shebang of it is really a marvel."
so there. there is the whole
world of MEMEME today
in my hyper mania state i seem to be in today.
just love me and feed me
valium, ok?
9:46pm
of course, i must say that we all
have "hidden treasures" in us.
i'm not saying i am somehow more special than other people.
that is i go to the four corners at dec 12th , 2012 and someone kisses me
light it going to shoot out of my mouth like leloo in 5th element, thereby
thwarting off "evil" for the next 13,000 years.
(but ya, just never know do ya?)
i know how easy it would be to say this is a grand delusion of mine. and that
because i feel like a small not credible female in the world of who has no
"credible" power in this manly man world i have compensated by coming
up with an intricate grand delusion that this is all some sort of a "master
plan" of the "holographic earth game" where i have tuned my
powerlessness into power and projected my psyche unto the fabric of everything
is see in hopes to feel more important. that would be the more "logical
choice". what fun is that?
but i am totally willing to dance with that possibility as well, just as i
am willing to consider that the earth is hollow or blue aliens are going to
land here anytime soon and reveal themselves.
anything really, is a possibility.
:)
yes , i'm a nut.
slap me.
anyway...i'll describe my thoeries
late.
my mental willpower to describe my new "revelations" has pittered
out.
and i need to find something to eat.
but ya, the part about energy exchange
during sex, THAT is real for sure :)
7:45pm
but way more than that (continuing
my thoughts from 6:51pm)
in the bath i thought of so much more and how this ties in with gnosis and
the rampant pedophelia we see today now.
and how when the fruit has withered or been eaten, that is when the seed can
come out to grow.
but i don't have time to write this all down now.
i will have to write about it later because Lost is on in a sec (ha :)
6:51pm
i'm going to take a bath to get back
to this planet.
and then lost is on and a new csi and i better crochet, dammit!
i have so much to say, as usual. but i will refrain.
abour how truths are hidden in children's games, poems books and things that
are 'cute".
that's where the "easter eggs" are to this game of life.
if you were making this game of life where would YOU hide the easter eggs?
right where no one would think to look if they were too "high and mighty"
to "become as little children to enter the kingdom of heaven".
that is true in more than 1 way.
and it fits in with my dream about why i was born a cute "little"
girl that seemed flakey and not to be taken seriously.
i remember in my dream they told me i was this way because i was hiding important
secrets that only those ready to see them would take to notice.
hickory dickory dock...
and so far, that has been very true. i am very "not credible".
i am the perfect place to hide easter eggs.
all places like this are excellent
places to hide easter eggs from overbloated negative people. negative people
HATE "cute". they despise "pink" or "girlie".
it's the last place a man of "high esteem" would look for "wisdom".
drug lords already get this but only on the level of smuggling drugs. they
don't get the higher purpose of it.
pink bunnies for all.
time for a bubblebath.
and i never knew why ryden's use
of lincoln resonsated with me so much. but now i totally get it so much.
where ELSE, HOW else could you spread this information in a "savvy"
way?
and it's given "credibility" because a man is painting it.
slowly it leaks out...like maple syrup
of course it takes a man to make
these things "credible" just as matthew barney brings the feminine
into more credibility in his films by the way he did them and who he is and
that he is a manly man. it's interesting to see HOW "this all" comes
to "light".
it will be nice if i ever see the day where anna nicole smith swerving around
on stage drunk off her ass id given just as much "credibility" as
any "insert drunken male rock star on drugs".
wow man, he threw up on STAGE. that is like so HARDCORE.
or when a man can wear pink and not be made fun of.
we see this now comiing to "light" in donald trump and his "pink
ties" and halcyon
wearing pink.
and by matthew barney wearing pink and embracing "cuteness" in a
serious way and with mark ryden.
when annie sprinkle gives out pink
cervix buttons and gets her doctorate degree in sexology it's still not the
same as a really macho STRAIGHT guy wearing pink and claiming it as HIS colour.
not a man pretending to be a woman but a man saying "i like pink. pink
is my favourite colour. i think pink is a manly colour".
i should say "that takes balls"
but i think i'll say "that takes eggs".
that takes eggs to wear pink.
rock on.
6:11pm
is such a genius.
now i understand why i love his paintings so much and why they hit me so hard
the 1st time i saw them.
i think he is perhaps the most "important" painter of our time right
now.
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4:25pm
i'm totally hyper and lost in thoughts
of what was and possibilities to come.
it's like i am stil unwrapping the presents from under the tree of 1966.
still unravelling it all.....
i cannot seem to get out of "this state"
i can't tell if it is to my benefit or to my detriment or both.
3:53pm
s.f. sorrow by the pretty things
the very most incredibly brilliant record which , for reasons i cannot figure
out at all is almost completely ignored, and i must make it known to the universe
AGAIN that EVERYONE must go and hear this record RIGHT NOW is....
S.F. Sorrow by The Pretty Things
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00000BIBQ/102-7339608-8300153?v=glance&n=5174
Editorial Reviews
Amazon.com
S.F. Sorrow has a significant place in rock & roll history, though it's
hardly widely acknowledged. Generally considered the first "rock opera,"
the 1967 opus by erstwhile gritty rockers turned psychedelic visionaries predates
the Who's vastly more popular Tommy by a year. (Incidentally, there are significant
parallels between the plots of both records.) Some would therefore lay blame
for all the theatrical tomfoolery that followed at the feet of the Pretties,
but they didn't get much credit for their accomplishment, so they probably
don't deserve much reproof. Like most everything that came out of London in
the late '60s, S.F. Sorrow owes a debt to the Beatles in its sonic adventurousness
(Beatles/Pink Floyd engineer Norman Smith deserves credit) and kaleidoscopic
lyrical bent, albeit with darker hues (the protagonist's sweetheart is killed
in a hydrogen balloon explosion). If your idea of a night at the opera centers
around classic Brit rock, S.F. Sorrow is just the ticket. --Steven Stolder
Product Description:
Digitally remastered reissue of their acclaimed 1967 album, the world's first
rock opera, complete with four bonus tracks cut during the album's recording
sessions added, 'Defecting Grey', 'Mr. Evasion', 'Talking About The Good Times'
& 'Walking Through My Dreams'. 17 tracks total. 'S.F.Sorrow' is widely
considered the source of inspiration for Pete Townshend & The Who's 'Tommy'!
small but interesting fact:
phil may (LOVE his voice!!!) and dick taylor (who was one of the rolling stones:
http://www.richieunterberger.com/taylor.html)
and i were all in bed naked together talking about swinging london. that was
pretty much a huge surreal highlight of my life :) dick taylor told me of
when they played with pink floyd when syd barrett was still in it, and he
touched syd barrett's guitar because he had to move it or something and syd's
guitar was covered in rubberbands :) i live for little stories like this :)
someday i'll write all these stories in a book perhaps!
i'm so lucky i was born at a time that i still was able to meet these people
who pioneered this kind of music while still being around to experience the
beginning of punk and new wave and even now being alive to experience all
the incredible things coming out now. i am very fortunate.
(dick taylor on the left, phil may in the middle with the cigarette)
ooo, a wiki entry on s.f. sorrow
yay!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S.F._Sorrow
and yes, of course this record was
the main inspiration for my album "introducing sorrow".
my whole record was totally and competely inspired from theirs.
so go forth, and buy s.f. sorrow!
listen to it in headphones really loud!
this is my command to you!
2:50pm
because i am procastinating my ass off....
1. if you are a smoker, were a smoker, what brand do/did you smoke? if you
are not a smoker what brand WOULD you smoke?
2. who is your favourite beatle?
3. if you drink alcoholic beverages, what do you like to drink the most? if you don't drink , what drink would you drink?
4. if you remember your dreams, what are the 3 most common themes in your dreams?
my answers:
a. djarum black or dunhill reds (i like the way the package looks..so sturdy
and shiny and regal. it has to be a hardpack, i could never buy softpack).
i don't smoke except for photos or i am feeling especially butch and want
to give off some "don't fuck with me" vibe, which is maybe 3 to
6 times a year.
b. george harrison
c. tilburg's dutch brown ale or stella artois
d. being lost somewhere (floods, rivers, highways, airports, unfamiliar neighbourhoods,
hospitals), investigating old rotting haunted houses (burned by fire or rotting
from a flood), trying to fend off a rapist/killer
drinks in the order that i went through through phases of liking them from 19 until now:
tom collins, sea breeze, port, rum and coke, spiced rum, vodka and tonic with lime, whiskey on the rocks, bloody marys , jagermeister, merlot, guinness or any preferable dark beer, cider (the last 3 i still drink)
liquor i hate:
tequila, bombay sapphire gin, nasty ass cheap bear or any of that pale beer
like rolling rock (wtf is up with rolling rock?)
any of those sickly sweet liquers like peppermint schnapps and cheap super
sweet crappy liquor that makes you sick and gives you a headache and looks
and tastes like cherry cough syrup from hell.
although the bottle of mead that _jae made and gave me was really yummy :)
albums that came out the year i was born:
1. the beatles- revolver (i am 4
months older than this record!)
2. the beach boys- pet sounds
3. bob dylan- blonde on blonde
4. the kinks- face to face
5. the otis redding dictionary of soul: complete and unbelievable
6. frank zappa- freak out
6. simon and garfunkle- parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
7. cream- fresh cream
8. the rolling stones- aftermath
9. the byrds- the 5th dimension
10. love- love
11. sun ra- the magic city
12. the who- a quick one
oh, freak me right out the door...i went to wikpedia to do a search on music in 1966 to see what music was at the top of the charts when i was born and it mentions i was born!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1966_in_music
how fucking cool is that???!!!
"route 66" was a good year to be born :)
1:38pm
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you know, if there is anybody or
anything "setting me back" in anything , it ME.
i'll just do ANYTHING to procastinate, won't i?
jeez louise! get to the damn p.o. box already!
12:37pm
Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank
a cup, and looking up, I noticed I was late ....
last night (morning) i did dream
there was soe sort of setback (the seed planted from my horoscope today, which
seemed to contradict what i was expreiencing at the time...i still don't feel
any set back so all is well. horoscopes are merely suggestions as to how things
might be according to the weather that day).
i didn't mention that yesterday i had long exhausting eipic dreams of rape.
i was being kept as some sort of sex slave against my will in this house.
the house is always familiar. as usual with my dreams, i played it over and
over with different scenarios. trying to figure out how to escape or at least
make the best out of my sitauation.
the scene that stuck with me the most is in one scenario i finally get so
sick of this guy raping and torturing me that i run full steam ahead at him
screaming and then in a flash i snap his neck and then plunge my fist into
his chest, yanking out his heart with my bare hand and then i take the heart
and take a big bite out of it and then hold the heart to the sky while i burn
my eyes into everyone else in that room with me as a warning signal that if
a sinngle person ever lays there hands on me again, this will be their fate,
make no mistake about it.
i bit the heart to show how unafraid i was of him and his energy. that i could
consume him and feel no ill effects whatsoever.
as entirely gross and violent as
that was, i have to say that scene has stuck with me ever since and i still
feel it resonating in me and giving me some sort of strength of resolve to
not let anyone fuck with me.
to take something i feared so intensely and rip it's heart out and eat it...well...you
can't really get any more macho than that in a display of fearlessness.
i think in many respects i do this symbolically (well, i just did this in
my dream) all the time.
i rip the hearts out of what i fear the most and then i eat it and consume
it's energy to see what it is and then i conquer it within me and digest it
and take that energy and assimilate it to me and change it to fit me.
i transform it's negativity into something that will fuel me instead of keep
me down.
i think women do this with sex a lot.
the man is stressed out and when he comes the tension is released and he feels
better.
but the woman then has all this tension inside of her and so that is why afterwards,
i want to clean the house or create or "do something".
i take that energy and i work it through. i transform it to a higher note,
one that will fuel me rather than keep me down.
i am the ultimate energy transformation machine.
no where is this more acute than with birth, taking spirit and turning it
into matter and pushing out into the earth plane.
with sex it is more hidden because we do not see a baby, in the normal sense.
more people need to know this about
sex.
no one teaches this to children.
and it is probably one of the most essential things about sex to teach besides
"safe sex".
i mentioned this to mphand many years ago, that prostitutes were essentially
the earth garbage collectors.
comport heaps. all that negative energy being "spilled" into them.
no one teaching them about what it is or what to do with it.
but they keep taking it in and some can deal with it and some are consumed
by it.
prostitutes should be seen as healers, as doctors.
and should be taught about this.
brothels should be a place of great healing and knowledge.
indeed, the word "gnosis" (KNOW ledge) comes from this age old practice
of the priestess giving KNOWledge to the young initiates in the temple through
secred sex.
why do you think in the bible , when they talk about sex, they call it "knowing"
"and he knew her"
if more people KNEW this at a conscious level this world would be a much better
place, i think.
instead we think sex is just about #1 making babies or #2 pleasure
we leave out, perhaps, the very most important and essential reason for sex
with is GNOSIS.
maybe this is the reason that many women do not orgasm during actual intercourse
or need to.
and why the orgasm is not "built in" in the same way it is for men.
by not orgasming as much (although some women do or even more than men) through
intercourse, women are given the gift of having the opportunity to be more
acutely aware of this "transference of knowledge" that takes place.
i'm not really sure how it all works, which is a rather sad statement to make
at age 39.
but at least i "know" this much about it, through trial and error.
3:53am
i have a headache (from the universe
whacking me over the head, no doubt!). i can hear the garbagemen out there
banging away...or maybe it's the trains.
the dogs are asleep on the bed.
i'm going to take some aspirin and climb into bed.
i am a really fortunate person :)
3:37am
well gosh!
it's like the universe is just whacking me over the head telling me to get
to work and giving me presents to show me that it is supporting me!
just now i received an email from a woman in australia who said she has some
books that prudence
mapstone gave to her to give to me!
well blow me away!
i must be on the right track for these
good things to be happening to me!
3:28am
ok, now i am hyper and full of ideas!
must...calm...down so that i can sleep and get up tomorrow and be UBER productive!
3:08am
holy cow, the
sexworkersartshow DOES want me to do my cam thing on their tour?
i just got an email from her.
i thought they didn't want to do the still cam thing but wanted to do a streaming
cam, which i did not want to do, but they have changed their minds?
i wrote back.
i'll see what she says.
this is GREAT if i am going to do this!
but holy mackereal do i have a LOT of work ahead of me here!
no more researching anything for now!
it's crochet hats like mad and prepare for many
cam shows !
when it rains it pours!
plus my movie and making a record, how am i going to fit this all in?
i wish i did not need to sleep!
the random on top of my cam now:
eyeball increase radiate hole
and
fuschia thinking scissors girl
i can do this, i can do this!
*crosses fingers*
1:07am
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+++
Your Horoscope for January 18 , 2006
Consider the promise you made yourself at the beginning of the year. If you haven't stuck to it, take the time to get back on track. Don't let other people's agendas take precedence. Stick to your game plan.
and
Counterforces
This is a time of challenge and crisis. Very often this crisis occurs in the
form of persons who are working at cross-purposes to your efforts. They may
or may not oppose you intentionally, but the thrust of their actions forces
you to prove that what you are doing is worthwhile. You may be very angry
at these people, feeling that they are motivated by nothing but malice. In
fact their motives are the same as yours, which you must learn to understand.
Challenges may also occur in connection with your efforts to build something
up, to create a material structure or to get a project going. Or they may
occur as a test of some new aspect of your personality that has recently come
into being.
and
Everything may seem to be moving along in the right direction today when the rug is pulled out from under you, leaving you to wonder what the heck happened. Snap out of your bewilderment, Aries, for you really don't have time for idle daydreaming now. Trust your logic instead of your feelings to help you get back on your feet.
and
ARIES (March 21-April 19): In my
book *Pronoia Is the Antidote for
Paranoia,* there's a 1500-word piece extolling a few of the many ways in
which I feel that living on this planet is a glorious privilege. You're in
a
phase of your astrological cycle when it makes perfect sense for you to
write something similar. To be in maximum alignment with cosmic luck,
therefore, you should sit down and compose a list of everything that
works well for you, delights you, and helps you feel at home in the world.
Call it your "Joy Manifesto."