jan 15th, 2006
past anagrams	menu	utb

9:45pm

i feel really good about the progress i made today.
not in the physical productive sense but the emotional/psychological/spiritual sense.
i made HUGE progress in letting go of a lot, reaffirming who i am and where i want to go and who i want to be without compromising yet still being reasonable, just and fair, figuring out my family and my place in all of that and opening myself up to different possibilities as to why my parents are the way they are and so being able to forgive them and myself better for everything "that is", it was a really intense emotional showdown where it felt like my heart was going to implode at times or i might spontaneously combust.
but like a good marathon run that is painful and makes you ache all over, i am really happy to report i made it to the finish line intact, basically, and feeling better about myself and things overall....which is quite a feat, i think.

so tomorrow i will see my dad around noon.
and THEN i MUST crochet my ASS off like there is no tomorrow!

so to reward myself i am going to watch sex and the city and completely vedge out with no guilt whatsoever.
squishing with the beasts in the bed and sighing huge sighs of relief.

9:06pm

when we were at the walker the other day, jason bought a groove tube.
it is so cool. it's on my tv right now.
it diffused the light on your tv into these moving squares of different coloured lights.
LOVE IT!

8:24pm

i feel a TON better having written that out.
i feel like a have extracted a large amount of dark goo from my heart chakra.
i feel lighter.
i'm listening to stereolab's emperor tomato ketchup and eating hummus and adding up the votes in photocontest.

5:55pm

a statement of my intentions (to LJ)

rrrrgh all over. because it hurts to grow. why?
trying to have compassion for myself and forgive myself for not understanding everything and being perfect all of the time. trying to get a handle on what happened after i got all that yarn from lionbrand.
i was totally evolving, creating, moving forward, thinking about my movie and such.
the universe "heard" me and reacted by giving me a huge opportunity and a bunch of free yarn to go and play.
i was beside myself with joy.
then a little jealous person came into my crochet journal and started chipping away at me.
i had posted a bunch of funny and wondrous russian babelfish translations that these russian people were saying about my hats.
here:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/anavoog/76578.html

and this nasty little weasel decided to pick out of all the lovely words there:
"clever will not say foolish he will not understand."
and post that to me anonymously.
i should not have taken the bait but i did. why do i do that?
this person kept repeating this to me and not explaining to me why they were doing this.
i should have known exactly why they were doing it , they were jealous. DUH.
then they made it known to me who they were, and it was a person who was on my friends list.
i was hurt that they would do this.
i saw others congregrating and making fun of me , happy that i had taken the bait and taking this as their chance to weasel and gnaw their way through the hole in my self esteem that this other person was working on doing.

i was so angered that these people who were congregating were also on my friends list and also members of communities i had made. i felt betrayed and disgusted.
i saw other friends who kept these nasty vermin on their friendslist regardless of these people's nastiness.
i felt furtherly insulted and betrayed. sorry to call "names" but if the hat fits...

that was the last straw. i didn't know what to do because this entire "energy group" of people had been bugging me for quite some time.
and i felt "connected" to them by certain people on my friends list who still friended these nasty people.
and i really LOVED these people, so how could it be that people i LOVED would choose to keep such nasty nasty people on their friends list who would be mean to me so viciously and try to destroy my happiness in crochet when i had JUST made the post that my feeling for crochet were returning and finally i felt the dam burst and i was overflowing with excitement and ideas only to have these vile people come and try to shit all over my very lovely beautiful cake i had just presented.

it was so HARD for me to open up like that and announce my joy to everyone that i had returned and that good things were happening to me and i was inspired.
i was afraid this very thing would happen but i announced my joyfulness ANYWAY, despite my fears.

and i am glad i had the guts to do it.
but then when the thing happened and the vermin started trying to gnaw at me for it, i was not strong enough to just "take it".
or more accurately, i had really finally had it with letting in ANY of that bad energy into my life and i wanted to seal all the holes tighter still.
because of what had happened between my mother and i and just everything in my life, i am more and more not choosing to tolerate any such violations in my life.

i want to be happy and joyful and creative!
but i also want to SHARE this with others WITHOUT getting attacked for it!

this has been the constant battle with me.
how do i be myself and share my joy and express myself and also protect myself from this negative energy?

i try to be as thick skinned as i can be. but that is really not my nature to just "not feel" when people are mean to me. i am a feeling person. i choose to feel.

so, in an all out effort to keep my ship afloat and not have this hole that was being gnawed into my hull slowly sink me, i decided to cut all ties to just about everyone in LJland.

but that feels crappy , too.
and so i fly from one extreme to the next.
wanting to share everything with everyone or nothing with no one.

i cannot seem to find the perfect combination for myself of being able to allow myself to luxuriate in joyfulness and share this with others, and still be able to keep my ship afloat without barnacles and rats gnawing at me, trying to sink me every 5 seconds, it feels like.

so i just don't know what to do.
and it hurts.
and i ache for the perfect world where i can just express myself freely in my own space without having to fear i am going to have rats and barnacles chewing at my ship.

and so instead of creating that entire week like i was going to and wanted to, i ended up being completely derailed by this dilemma yet again. and it makes me so frustrated!

i had made my new ship, i had all set to sail, i had christened it with champagne and was ready to sail the seas of creative fulfillment. yet here i am , still in the dock trying to repair myself.
a minor set back in the grand scheme of everything.

only a week, but a week of my life i will never get back again.
how do i make it so that this does not happen to me anymore?

the only solution i can come up with is to just share everything as frankly as i am now. because this is who i want to be. i want to just be me in all my powerful and frail glory...but not allow very many people "access" to me.
i cannot pretend i am a ship made out of bricks. that would not sail! i am partially origami paper!
there ARE major parts of me that are extremely flammable and so , anyone who would enjoy to see me set ablaze HAS to be cut out of my life completely if i am going to go off into sea. that is just the way of it.
i'm not going to have anyone on my ship who secretly wishes to sabotage my voyage.
and i do not think i can even be friends with people who have friends that i know for a fact "secretly" or not so secretly wish to sabotage my voyage.
but out here in LJland you just don't know who anyone is and they can flip like a switch on you.
it's unnerving to say the least.

and i do want communication with people and to meet new people of LIKE MINDS.
that is where i differ from a lot of you.
i am not in LJland to meet people of DIFFERING minds.
so many of you assume that because you want critique of your work and differing opinions that means that i somehow want that, too. or SHOULD want it. and that if i DON'T want it that somehow makes me a wimp.
well, that could not be farther from the truth.

i don't NEED differing opinions because i have ENOUGH "difference" in my "real life", througout my life.
you have no idea and i don't feel the need nor the obligation to explain that all to you, my entire life past and present and all i have gone through so that you can undertsand that.
i get plenty of different angles, believe me, from everywhere. i just don't need it HERE , TOO.

this is a place i want to share my joy and adventures with people who feel the SAME as i do.
because THAT is what i need in my life. i do not have hardly any of that in my "real life" or here.
i am looking for like minded individuals so that we can share our collective ideas and inspirations and joys and inspire each other to be MORE than we are now and to grow and evolve.
i am not interested in anyone who wants to play the "devil's advocate" with me.
i do not need to here "the other side" of things.
i've already HEARD it. got it. been there. done that.

i am already HAPPY with my work as an artist. and i am not looking for ways that i could "improve" it in your opinion.
this does not mean i am not interested in growing and evolving as an artist, it means i do not grow and evolve as an artist by having my work critiqued. this may seem an odd concept to many of you because this world is set up to think that "critique" is the only way we grow and evolve as artists. this is just not the case. at least for me.
if i put my work out here for you to see, it is because i am happy with it AS IT IS. of course it makes me a bit sad if you do not like it as much as *I* do. that is normal. but i make my art for ME , not for you. and so, not to be arrogant, but your opinions one way or the other are not going to affect what it is i create. because what i create comes from within and not from without. but of COURSE i LOVE it when you support me and show me new HAPPY things about it. it makes me happy when i can make you happy with my things! that is very very joyful for me! and i thank you for that :) and i use that as fuel to keep going but not fuel to CHANGE my direction of where i am going. i hope you can see that difference.
i am not asking you "where should i go with this?". that has already been decided by me and that is not changable by opinions. i know what my course is and i am happy with my direction :) i hope that you can be happy FOR me that i have at least THAT to not worry about :) i'm not saying i am a perfect artist and there is no room for improvement. but critique of my work is not the way i evolve. it comes from a place within me that is way way way deeper and gutteral than opinion.
my work comes from my inner core and everything that entails, which is a lot. so i already have quite a lot to work with.

this does not come from a place of arrogance but from a place of KNOWING WHO I AM, because i am in a state of almost constant reflection. and i check and balance and question everything, all of the time. (with days off here and there :)

what i want is people who are not afraid of me, not afraid of my emotionalness and my openness and are here to support me and me to support them. not like we have to be best friends. i'm just looking for people who are doing their own thing too and we support each other in that.
because that is what i am MISSING in my life so often.
you who want to give me all this "critique" as if this is some sor of GIFT to me...i am sorry to say it is not helpful to me. that is the honest truth. it does not help me at all. in fact it does the opposite, and i'm sure you know that but just like to THINK you are "helping me" because then that makes it ok for you to be a bitch to me. period. cluck your tongues all you want at that sentence.

i'm just making my intentions known in writing form, not just to you who will CHOOSE to read this...but as my statement to the universe to make it clear to "it all" why it is i am here, what i want to do, and where i want to go, what i want to share, and who i hope to meet along the way.

this is my statement to you and to the universe.

i am not ready to open my doors yet to most people again.
i am still am quite gunshy about that and i do not want to make the same mistake again.
my major concern is trying to get this all straight in my head as to what on earth that all was, why i reacted to it in the way that i did, and how i can rectify that to not happen again and be derailed by such petty nonsense easily.

it would seem a paradox that i do not "care" about your opinions yet i can be derailed by them.
but there is a difference between what you do or do not think about my hats and out right cruelty.
i CAN be derailed by cruelty. i will admit to my achilles heel there. and i'm not going to apologize for it or be made to feel lesser because this is the case.

the truth is i really DO feel and i'm not going to stop feeling.
i mean, it hurts when people are mean to you.
what is so weird about admitting it?
but yes, i am keeping everyone at bay right now as i repeair my damage and i will not be opening my doors in a very public way until i am very sure that my ship is very safely out to sea.

it has been a learning experience.
and an experience in energy and how it flows and how it affects me and you and everyone.
and what i can do to make sure that i get the right energy and vitamins for what i need for me, with no harm to others, while filtering out anything that is toxic or potentially toxic to me. and still sharing everything i have to share to those who wish to partake in what i have to offer, in kind way.

as it said for today's astro forcast at starryeyed:

http://itsalllove.com/starry_eyed/starry_eyed.html

Sunday
Moon in Leo
Today is the culmination of the Mars opposition to Jupiter. It's in a lose orb to Neptune in Aquarius and Saturn in Leo, so it's a grand cross. Squares and oppositions make up grand cross'. It's the plus sign in the middle of a circle. The four directions. One of our oldest human symbols. Things released and captured today have long lasting significance. Actions should be extremely conscious. Prayers, blessing, and spells all help this frame of heartMind sink deeper. The Taurus Scorpio access and its proximity to the full moon make it especially potent. Harmony is the direction of atoms, galaxies and even civilizations. No matter how dire it looks. In fact if it looks out of balance we all whould welcome corrections. Adjustments may appear drastic but ride them out; we're on the way to individual notes finally resonating into a chord.

so i am taking this opportunity to release and capture what it is i want.
making my intentions known as today we have the grand cross.

i'm working through this and learning.

there you have it and what it is at this moment.

5:17pm

the seth books are a godsend to me.
i have them all but have only read seth speaks and then 1/2 of nature personal reality because it is such a "rich" book i can only take in fragments at a time before i "overload" because the reality and possibility and acKNOWledgement and re-remembering of this knowledge just twists me all up in such an excited way i have to always shift around and pace because my body feels like it is just fritzing out by all that input.

reading "the unknown reality" now.
it is exactly and PRECISELY everything i have been thinking about and wonderig about and feeling and to see it written in words, articulated like that...it just...it is so much.

i am feeling all my parallel and probable selves right now and becoming more aware of them. and seeing it in my family.
or no , that is not totally it, because i was totally aware of them already.
but seeing this articulated so precisely in this book written decades ago...and how it so exactly mirrors my experience...it is like finally having a mirror to look into.
like for a crazy and fantastical example....i KNEW i had a spider on my head because i could FEEL it and i knew it was there. BUT....i never had the mirror to actually SEE it before, even tho i knew it was there.
and it's a freaky experience to walk up to that mirror and see that yes, indeed, i am not "imagining things", but it's really really happening.

and so like a puppy who sees itself in the mirror for the 1st time and then backs up and paces excitedly...
this is me right now.
it's hard to keep still because it's such an amazing thing to finally be able to SEE it instead of just FEEL it.
that is kind of a weird analogy but it's the best one i could come up with in my excited and emotional state.

tomorrow i see my dad. we are going to a photo exhibit.
it hurts so much not to be able to share this new insight i have with him. it wouldn't do him any good. he would just laugh (kindly) at my "fantastical ideas".
i wish i could get him to acknowledge it, too, because that would be such an amazing thing.
i suppose in some other reality we are. i know we are.
but i don't get to see the physical manifestation of it in this reality. and that is so frustrating to me.
it's like baking a pie in this reality but the other parallel self in the other reality gets to eat it!

 

4:52pm

it's nice to know the days are getting longer.

3:02pm

what a suckfest that i can't seem to switch to a morning schedule.
going to bed at practically 8am. arrrrrrgh. so frustrating!
it looks like it was even semi sunny today and i am only seeing the tail end of it and i'm STILL tired.

and i have to have to have to have to crochet today.
i don't know what my deal is. i think i'm afriad to start it because i am afraid to screw it up.
i just have to dive in.

blargity blargity blarg.

jason is going to his parent's today for dinner and i want to go with but i also HAVE to crochet.
maybe i could bring my crochet with me.

my dad wants to go to a photo exhibit with me tomorrow.
i sure hope he meant tomorrow and not today because i've already slept past the suggested time he emailed me to get together.

it's so funny how everyone is talking about the vampire running for governor here.
it was on the news here for 2 days and last night he was even on coast to coast am!
and i see now even it's made the news to reuters.
his wife is really upset because she is a witch and because people found out she is a witch (and that eh drinks her blood) she was fired from her job as school bus driver because they were too scared to have her around children.

before i went to bed last night a read a few chaptes of "the unknown reality" by jane roberts.
it's funny i've had that book for years but never read it and it was exactly the perfect thing i needed to read last night as it was explaining parallel realities and families and stuff in a way i had never thought of and so my mind was totally blown and it made me think in new ways about my family and have more compassion for what is going on.

absolutely fascinating book.
of course all i want to do today now is read that book.

5:42am

ok, i am tired now. i think i shall sleep.
the wind is howling.

4:21am

3:44am

can't sleep.

bah.

 

 

+++

Horoscope for Aries (January 15 2006)

Have some fun but don't overdo it. You will be able to do something to help a younger person in your life who is looking for answers or solutions. Don't lend or borrow money or possessions.

and

Conditioned by habit
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you will feel much more emotional than usual. This, of course, can be either good or bad, depending upon how you normally relate to you emotions. If you are ill at ease with your feelings, you will not consciously be aware of them. But you will relate to people in automatic ways, conditioned by habit. You will respond unconsciously to small cues put out by other persons that neither you nor they are aware of. The problem here is that you are unable to see each new moment and person afresh. On the other hand, if you can handle the emotions that are aroused, you will be able to relate to others with great feeling and empathy. This influence is excellent for occasions when you and another person must relate at a very deep, intense level.

and

It's finally time to pay the piper if you've been on a spending binge. You may have rationalized your expenditures because you have such a positive outlook on the future these days. Even if it continues to go well, you still may be inflating the numbers. Be safe in your purchases now instead of sorry later on.

and

Sunday
Moon in Leo
Mars opposition Jupiter TAURUS-SCORPIO 1:28am PST
Mercury Sextile Uranus CAPRICORN-PISCES
Today is the culmination of the Mars opposition to Jupiter. It's in a lose orb to Neptune in Aquarius and Saturn in Leo, so it's a grand cross. Squares and oppositions make up grand cross'. It's the plus sign in the middle of a circle. The four directions. One of our oldest human symbols. Things released and captured today have long lasting significance. Actions should be extremely conscious. Prayers, blessing, and spells all help this frame of heartMind sink deeper. The Taurus Scorpio access and its proximity to the full moon make it especially potent. Harmony is the direction of atoms, galaxies and even civilizations. No matter how dire it looks. In fact if it looks out of balance we all whould welcome corrections. Adjustments may appear drastic but ride them out; we're on the way to individual notes finally resonating into a chord.