jan 14th, 2006
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11:27pm

at 1st i did not like the strawberry blonde. it was too dull and ordinary.
i didn't put it on all over just the roots and top 1//2 of my hair mostly. it's sort of swirled in with the blonde.
the more i look at it there are nice subtle variances of colour all over, but it kind of evened things out , colour-wise, too, a bit.
tomorrow i think i will add some blood red stripes for added dimension.

i downloaded the beatles sgt pepper, revolver and rubber soul.
i already have them on vinyl but nice to have them on mp3.
and pixies trompe lemode and bossanova which i bought on cassette when it 1st came out.

now i'm downloading some enya. that might be something relaxing to listen to late at night. i'm not sure. i'm not very familiar with her music.

i think i'll go to sleep soon in my attempts and switching my schedule more over to a morning schedule.

9:49pm

i decided to look up prince on wikipedia and so then followed to see there was a section for bobby z:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bobby_%22Z%22_Rivkin
that should be fixed though because someone spelled "adamant" as "adimant" and also bobby z does NOT have a restuaraunt here called "bobby z's" that is actually not his restuaraunt, it is ANOTHER bobby z, i know because the prince bobby z was pissed about it and tried to legally get the guy to stop calling it that because everyone would think it was HIS restautaunt when it wasn't.
anyway, he lost that lawsuit and now everyone does indeed think this is bobby z from prince's restauraunt when, in fact, it is not.
don't quote me on that because i am not sure that he literally tried legal action or was just considering it.
but anyway it's not bobby z's from prince's restauraunt.

also someone should make his wikipedia enty connect to mine and say that he produced my 2 records, spool forka dish and anavoog.com
and say that he was also my manager.

bobby z also produced a record by boy george.
and a bunch of other cool stuff.

and someone should get that entry to link to his website
http://www.zincmusic.com

6:48pm

i think i may dye my hair strawbery blonde right now.
i still have a box but cannot find and expiration date on it so it might be too old to work.
i don't know.
how is that for nonintrospective?
yep, i'd like to stay here in the shallow water for awhile.

this afternoon i've discovered how families are microcosms of the entire human species and that if we could just rectify the family problem (which i have the solution for but unfortunately it appears it is in an alphabet not many can read nor WANT to read is more the problem) then we can rectify the entire world situation.
it all has to do with recognizing each others frequencies and then setting it up in an order where each frequency is in the most happy place it can be and plug into and each neighbouring frequency is a complementary frequency so there is no "disharmonious" chords happening that irritates anyone.
if everyone would just recognize their frequency of themselves and others and align themselves accordingly, not trying to "change" anyone's frequency by force or shame, then the entire human race, in accordance with everything else on this planet could live very efficiently, happily, and productively.
but if people won't even come out of their shells to "beam their frequency" so we can all know who everyone is so we can know what we have to work with, things are still going to be quite a mess.

so...until i can figure out how to translate this into an alphabet that most people can understand and digest and relate to and WANT to read, or until someone else figures this out, i am just going to dye my hair strawberry blonde.

sho nuff.

hopefully my realization will flip into the "universal grid of knowledge" and like the "100th monkey" syndrome, start changing this planet. (i ponder like a thunderous narcissist).

that could be what happened to me today.
me monkey plugging into grid. *clap clap* for me.
give me a banana.

this primitive state i am in is so bemusing to me.
it makes me want to rip my eyes from my sockets and smack myself into the wailing wall laughing hysterically while screaming the torah backwards.

i think i just described either the prequel or the sequel to my life here. i really hope i am wrong.
yep, i think i'll type up a new script.
fire up the improbability drive!
i'm turning into a burning bush about to utter the sound of god.
grab your towel.

"errr hello there, it's me...god"
"umm yes?"
"ya, it think you should go with that there strawberry blonde! why not?"
"thanks god, will do!"

*large quantities of monkeys grumble in the background about not seeing enough tits these days*

"i deed not sign up for no burneeeeeeng bush! eef you know what eye meeeeen! i signed up for theeeeeee bush! her her hr! what eeez weeeth thee lamp??? and thee constant sheeeets?"

*wink nudge wink*
*special secret handshake*

5:17pm

well i had no idea i was going to type that much today.
goddamn this introspection streak i am on.
i hope it ends soon because i am sick of being introspective.
but it's like weather i must endure until it passes.
i'm going to go make a bath.
jason is over here typing things for his class he is teaching.
coming up with the syllabus or something.
and then here's me, working out multdimensionality again.
yep. just another day on earth.

3:34pm

today i want a tattoo of medusa on my whole arm, with one snake from her hair going up my shoulder and right to the crook of the back of my neck. i also want her to be holding a telephone. sort of a futuristic medusa.
mostly done all in black ink, or red ink, or white ink.
i could never endure the pain, tho.
i want the tattoo but i am not into the pain factor to get it.
maybe if i had some percocets or something 1st. some kind of pain meds.
i don't need the thrill of the pain factor to make me proud of my tattoo. farg that.
i endure enough pain as it is. i don't need to prove to myself i can endure any more.
so far it seems like medusa is the only goddess or god who doesn't just go out of her way to fuck anyone over.
she was the most beautiful of all the goddesses until athena or someone got all jealous and then some god raped her and athena made her ugly and then some other god went and chopped medusa's head off later just for kicks.
medusa only turns people to stone if they cannot bear to witness their true selves.
she is the mirror that will reflect back to you perfectly who you are, and if you cannot handle it, you will be "petrified".
i find it funny that you can only look at her by looking in a (false) mirror. a reflection of her (your) reflection...

i don't really dig snakes for real, i could never bear to have one, not because they scare me, snakes have never scared me. but because i could not handle to feed them.
other than that, i love snakes, symbol-wise and looks wise.
and they feel really cool as they are sliding over your skin, too.
i just hate the way they eat. urgh.

i really wantto make my "cartoon" series "the king and the snake"
i sure i hope i do that before i die.
so many things to do.

i had this EPIC long dream last night that i was back in time somewhere between 1900 and 1920.
and my brother and i had had drunken sex with each other, both to each other's complete and utter horror the next day. (i mean, yuk! the thought of sex with my brother makes me ill! why would i dream that? YUCK YUCK YUCK!)
but anyway, it happened and i became pregnant from it.
and i had the child, and my brother and i stood together to raise her, even tho we did not love each other in "that way". we had just made a very bizarre and druk mistake and now had to pay for it for the rest of our lives.
and it was NOT a good thing because well, #1 he is my brother (but not my blood brother he is adopted), and #2 he is black...and #3 our dad is a minister.
so you can imagine that around the time it was (and even in our time) this would have been a horrendous sin and we would have been treated like evil sinful freaks.
so my brother and i feared for our lives because not only had we commited "incest" (altough not really because we are not blood related...but he was black and our child was now 1/2 white and 1/2 black) and we were kicked out of the comunity and we tried to not let our parents find out do that my dad would not lose his ministry and our mother would not freak out on us. but it was all too late and just an utter mess.
and as my brother and i walked through the town, we feared so much for our lives.
and people would throw rocks at us.
and i would tell my daughter to go under my skirt and hide there as we walked, so that she would not be harmed or killed.
this just went on forrrrrreverrrrrrr.
it was an awful awful dream.

i wonder if in some parallel life that is really happening.
after this dream, i sort of feel like it is.
that i was being shown just one more "configuration" of the "family" i am in.
like we are souls who have agreed to go through trying circumstances together in order to work things out and understand things from other angles.
because each one of us, my mom dad me and my brother are all freaks in one way or the other.
none of us fit into society "just the way we are".
so it was interesting to see this other "configuration" that could happen with our family.
one more freakish thing we could do to not be accepted by normal society and then would we band together as a family in support of each other?
or would we shun the other family member and pick to hide part of ourselves and "agree" with society so that we would not fear for our lives as well.
it's like we are all testing each other to see who will "pick up the gauntlet" and stand up to "society" and say "we stand together as a family, society needs to open up and be more accepting, we will shine as an example for others and stand by each others' side"

i wonder what other "configurations" my family has in parallel realities?
i'll bet there are a ton. i can feel it.

it's "funny" because in this life, my brother was given up for adoption because , apparently, he is from the daughter of a minsiter!

now i never put that together until just now!
how fucking interesting and "parallel" is that?

i have to say as interesting and challenging it is , this configuration of souls which are my "family", and the trials we put each other through...i find it utterly fucking boring now.
i wish i would have a dream where we DID stick up for one another.
i mean, it was nice to see that my brother IS capable of standing up and doing "the right thing", which i knew he was. but i wish i would have a dream that my dad or mom would , too.
it would be such an awesome thing if the 4 of us stuck together and supported each other in all our quirky weirdnesses.

it's really a shame and a waste, so much. because my brother is so psychic, and my mom is so psychic,
and i think my dad has the ability to be, which is why he just shuts down so much.
and then i have a bit of that ability.
and just imagine what the 4 of us could accomplish if each of us were not afraid of what society thinks and we banded together our "power" and abilities and talents and used it all to create something immensely beautiful?

i can see the possibility so much, it hurts to be able to see it.
it is a curse and a blessing to always be able to see everyone's potential and to not very often see anyone actually striving for it, but instead running in the other direction or sabotaging it.

but then i really could say the same for myself. i suppose in many ways i do not reach my full potential at all.
i know i am capable of so much more.
not to blame my family for my underachievement, but it WOULD be SO much EASIER if we all SUPPORTED each other instead of doing NOTHING.
looking the other way, or just "putting up with it".
i don't mean to sound arrogant but i just KNOW i bug the crap out of my parents because i make them realize, at least at a subconscious level, what they are not achieving within themselves and i also think they feel guilty as hell for not being able to step up to the plate to support ME in all the ways they could be.

and i have TRIED with all my might, i HAVE really TRIED to the best of my ability to be supportive of my parents "freak factor" within themselves but they will NOT come out of their shells no matter what.
they are FIRMLY , and i mean FIRMLY dead set to stay in their little protective shells like hermit crabs who have outgrown their shells and will NOT come out of the old one to go look for one that is a better size.
they would rather just be pinched and hurting in their tiny shells squashing their bodies in pain into a shape it has outgrown. and this will be the death of them.


it's fucking PAINFUL to watch!
it breaks my heart. my heart HURTS so much.
i am really sick of this family.

i really love them all very much. and i wish them well.
we have been through a lot with each other and i suppose since all time is now, we will always being going through this toegther.
but god, i want to MOVE ON now.
i want a new family. i'd like to still be friends with this old one and keep tabs on them and stuff.
check in and see how they are doing.
but fucking A, i am so sick of this family!
just EVOLVE already!

i want to be with a really HAPPY family that loves art in all it's forms and just FLOURISHES.
i want to be fruit of THAT tree.
i want to FLOURISH.
i want to be NURTURED and SUPPORTED!
i want plenty of sun and water! i want to see how high i can grow and how big and yummy i can make my fruit!

i don't want to feel like i am a branch in a tree that has some sort of death wish.
that is exactly how i feel.
how to unattach myself from this death wish tree and make the quantum leap over to the happy pear tree that is having a really good time! you know?

this entire tree i am in...it SUCKS. it is the SUCKFEST tree!
it is like some sort of sadomasochistic tree.
throwing it's seeds into the snow and then yelling at the seeds for not growing or something.
i don't know WHAT the fuck kind of tree this is.
but i DO know it is the SUCKFEST WITHERING tree with the most sour fruit.

it is a bitter bitter snow tree.

it is the jesus christ on a stick tree.

the hide under a large cement block tree.

ohmigod, i DO love my fanily so much.
they have good INTENTIONS, i think. mostly.
but damn! they are the fucking themselves over tree!

after this life, i am TOTALLY jumping ship from this tree onto the really happy pear tree.
and if that makes me some sort of unsupportive wimp for not sticking by a bunch of cranky hermit crabs that refuse to budge, then so be it!

i really HAVE done all i can to try and nudge these souls out of their little boxes! i seriosuly have!
what more could i POSSIBLY do?

i have tried to get my mom to paint and supported her and been with her and all she does is cling to me and suck me dry and pull me down like a drowning person who is SO afraid of "the devil" or "god" that it's just pitiful.
and then my brother...where to even go with that i do not even know. that is my parent's deal. they chose to adopt him.
before they adopted hi, when i was very very young, i warned them against it! i told them not to adopt that one!
but they went ahead and did it anyway!
what more could i do at 3 years old?

i have chucked myself out there into the world regardless of this bitter tree and said to the rest of the tree "come on! let's play and be happy!" but no....the tree grumbles and throws tiny pitiful pieces of sour fruit at me at my suggestion.

it all makes me feel like there is something wrong with ME.
you know?
am *I* the bad seed? it is MY fruit that is rotten?
am i somehow being unfair or unreasonable?

thank the gods i was born a triple fire sign. i see now why i was.
because if i had not been born with THIS much fire in me i would surely DIE!

if i was water i would certainly be frozen by now.
if i was air i would be blown away, if i were earth i would never move.
but i am fire.
i am the fire serpent that is gnawing away at it's own roots trying to get away from the bitter unfun tree.

maybe this will be my own undoing.
and like icarus i will melt in the sun.
because i DO need support.
and THAT is the BITCH of it all.
isn't it?
it's a fact that "no man is an island"
just like in my drema the other day when i was singing the godawful barbara streisand song "people".
"people who need peole are the luckiest people in the world"
ya they ARE if the people they need are not cranky sour hermit crabs!

*throws hands up in the air in a display of desperation*

why is it that try as i might to "divorce" myself from this tree i cannot! is that the frickin dan DNA factor?

are we somehow plugged into each other through this?
like invisible little strands of connecting energy.
our dna being the connecting factor?

fucking a , i think so.
and so there is nothing i can do, i don't think.

even if it's true that we can change our DNA and "awaken" parts of it that are sleeping, there will still be that "base note" that connects me to this entire damn tree for the rest of my life.

unfuckingreal.

like a constant thorn in my side that i must either create a pearl over or just put up with or end up bleeding to death through it.

fuck fuck fuck.
there HAS to be something FUN about this tree that have not yet discovered. that has to be SOME way to configure this "programme" to run more effeciently.
it feels like i am planted into cement bricks on my feet.
can i turn them into rubicks cubes somehow and make them into something new?

i feel like (speaking of the new battlestar galactica here not the old one) starbuck who is standed on the desert planet, running out of oxygen and then she discovers the downed cylon ship, and the cylon ship isn't totally dead yet and she climbs into it's guts and figures out how to fly it off the planet, even tho she herself is of a different species than the ship itself (which is an organic living entity).

can i figure out some new way to fly this damn thing?

3:27pm

paradise lost, paradise gained

 

3:12pm

+++

cute overload!
http://www.cuteoverload.com/

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Earth to America - Will Ferrell

haha :) banshee does it again by showing me this:

http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/002648.html

will ferrell is a god :)

or right click and "save as"
http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove2/movies/e2a112005ferrell.mov

 

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Horoscope for Aries (January 14 2006)

You have the discipline to get things done. Your emotional outlook may cause some problems if you are confronted with a situation you don't want to deal with just yet. A partnership you are in may not be as trustworthy as you want to believe.

and

The inner dimensions
This influence signifies a concern with the very deep issues in life. Today you are interested in what goes on underneath the surface of events and phenomena, and you are willing to dig until you find out. This energy can also turn inward, which is often very profitable. It may be beneficial to be alone so that others cannot distract you from your inward search. For this reason you are likely to be attracted to subjects that reveal the inner dimensions of the psyche, such as psychology or astrology. You may encounter someone today whose ideas have a great effect upon your mind. This is a good time for learning something new, because you can allow your beliefs to be transformed by what you learn. Also you will tend to have a strong effect on other people's thinking today.
and

It feels good to know that you can take care of yourself, yet your dependency on others continues to gnaw on your mind. The fact is, Aries, you do need people in your life and finding a way to balance your love of freedom with a desire for healthy relationships can be a struggle now. Don't over-commit in haste just to get what you want.

and

Saturday
Moon opposition Sun 1:48am PST CANCER-CAPRICORN
Moon void of course 1:48am PST
Moon into Leo 1:31pm PST
Between impossible and improbable is just a skinny thin instant of awareness, just saying,"I can fly" now shifts it. So impossible is usually a mindset, it's a good day to research how to shift mindsets, they cause storms of feelings. Drama is just life with a weird soundtrack. If you change the music it usually shifts to a comedy. Intense situations are the place to practice, experiment and learn how to deal with intense situations. There is no rehearsal for life.