jan 6th, 2006
past anagrams	menu	utb

9:17pm

 

8:03pm

sorted yarn by type then by colour.
then made into piles of what i thought went well together.
then thought about what each pile could be.
then rolled into balls thinking about the yarn and understanding it.

threw in a BIG kettle of veggies for veggie soup.
onion, garlic, red potatoes, tomatoes, and when it get closer to the end of cooking i will add miso and bonito flakes.

i have my period in a major way today.
it's starting to really hurt.
i feel like whatever was clogged, the dam has started to break and i am bleeding and hurting and feeling emotional but happy and excited with my room full of colourful balls of yarn and promise and expectation and inspiration, and a big vat of colourful veggies cooking.
everything is just so alive here right now.

aching and bursting.

i'm jacked up on too much coffee listening to Air.
i think i will have to take a bunch of advil and lay down for a sec.
the cramps are really starting in on me.

lionbrand wrote back to me after i wrote them how stunned i was by receiving so much yarn

"Ana - so glad you're inspired by our yarn. Yes, those tubes sound really fun!
Have fun- let your imagination run wild --and we'll talk about details later.
Let me know if you need more of any particular yarn.
I'll email you next week. "

isn't that the nicest?
i sort of have that giddy surreal feeling like when my band got signed and i got a ton of free cds and everyone was so nice to me and said they supported my vision.
of course, i am way more cynical now, sadly, but it's nice to feel a little bit of that again...that "recognition from above" that just goes "here...have lots of toys...go and play! we WANT you to!"

it's been so long since i've felt that.

 

5:27pm

small

big

sorry the photo is blurry, my hands were too shaly from coffee to hold the camera steady :)

4:48pm

i'm kind of in yarn sugar shock overload over here!
enough to put a diabetic into a coma!
i thought they were going to send me yarn card, which are cards that just have about 6 inches or less of each yarn so you can see the yarn and the texture and the true colour.
but they send my 2 gigasmatron boxes of yarn!
not all of it is my cup of tea, but STILL! a lot of it IS!
and so i am just....it's so much!
i don't know why i feel so much like crying at everything right now but it made me want to cry, too. i don't question it TOO much... it just IS. i know "the reasons" deep down, not do deep, quite obvious really.
like somehow i must have done something good to deserve all this.
it seems like the universe is just majorly "HINTING" (yelling) at me to get back into crocheting.
when doors open for you everywhere this way...it just says SOMETHING you know?
so i am just going to have to trust it and go with it because the signs are so clear.
not that i am not still going to do music, and my movie, i absolutely am, and those all can combine with my crocheting now for the costumes in my movie...
but just wow...
my room is so colourful right now.
and i found an ugly lamp in the trash that takes 4 lightbulbs and so i dragged that into my bedroom and put lightbulbs into it so i could see the true colours of the yarn because when it is this dark out you cannot see colours as they are and hard to take photos, too.

so..i am going to put new batteries in my camera and i guess my 1st photo of the year (with my nikon) will have to be all this yarn i just got!

i swear i could throw yarn out my window and it just keeps getting sent back to me.
me and stuff...it's like this never ending circle.
it never cases to amaze me how it works out.

let me count how many skeins of yarn this is!

72 skeins!

i guess today is NOT like all the other grey days.
i am truly blessed.

4:01pm

well, i'm up.
it's another grey fucking day , exactly like the last 20 grey fucking days.
when is the last time i saw the sun? i can't even remember. it was weeks ago.
as much as i love ireland, i wonder if i ever could live there due to the extreme greyness.
but it's always so green there , too, isn''t it?
so at least you have that green to offset the grey.
and of course, you have IRELAND to offset the grey and that would help :)
when i went to england when i was 19 or 20 and stayed for a month with my then boyfriend who lived in london, it was sunny almost every single day. so i never think of england as rainy, only sunny.

i'm going to go check my mail and see if my yarn cards arrived from lionbrand.
they were supposed to arrive today.
that will be a cheerful thing :)

 

8:55am

a hodgepodge:

 

8:27pm

still up. yup.
put in a load of laundry. dishes. took out trash,
made coffee so i don't have to when i "wake up" whenever it is i go to sleep.

7:52am

well, i may try to get a few more hours of sleep.
give it a whirl.
if it doesn't work, i guess i'll just drink a lot of coffee, try and stay up and get things done.
and then go to bed early.
mayube the universe will be kind to me and send me a nice dream.
i could use it. i'm scared to go back to sleep because i don't want to be attacked and killed or raped in my dreams anymore.
i still feel like crying because i am so scared.
i don't know why i feel so emotional about this tonight.
it's not like this is anything new.

6:41am

this wig i very much want.

or this one:

 

or this one:

or this one

 

6:20pm

i'm feeling a major oull to dye my hair chocolate brown.
very odd for me.
i'm trying to resist it because if i hate it i will not be able to go back to partially blonde without realy damaging my hair.
plus when it's blonde i can dye it other colours and i still have a bunch of red to use.
maybe tomorrow i will dye my hair red again.
i need to do something. this always happens when i feel changes in me. i want to redo my hair.
i remember i was so miserable with the brown hair, i don't know why the sudden wanting of it back.
maybe it's stems from wanting to feel grounded and hidden.
when i do blonde i want to fly and soar.
red is my warrior colour.
and brown...i don't know...it's something i still haven't really fully explored.
an earthy warrior type? sultry maybe? more manly somehow? or just more classy?
i don't know...
i think jennifer tilly and lili taylor with a touch of patti smith.
and bjork.
maybe i should just buy a wig to satisfy my craving.

5:19am

was lincoln gay?
another article

i think i'll just be up awhile.
i'm too anxious to sleep.
i'll take some aspirin

in reading about abe's gayness...i was taken aback by the sentence that thomas jefferson had "sired" children by his slave girl Sally Hemings.

i had heard about this already but if you google it, the word "sired" appears over and over and over instead of "fathered".
still treating sally, to this day, as some sort of domesticated animal, as you only use the word "sire" when you are breeding horses or something.

4:44am

...

4:15am

 

3:50pm

i'm so sick of nightmares.
the knot is still in my shoulder and i'm really hot even tho i don't have the heater on.
i was tossing and turning and could not get comfortable and had this long nightmare about being at my grandmother's house and living there all alone. and 2 guys with guns were trying to get inot my house and kill me.
and i had a gun, too, but i didn't feel confident with it.
i was so scared out of my mind as i went over scenario after scenario over how they would break in and who would shoot who. it was just a dream that was on repeat but a different scemario each time.
sometimes they would bust the door down, sometimes the window.
sometimes i would shoot through the door before they came through, sometimes i hid behind a cabinet and tried to shoot. i had all the light off in the house and could see their shadows outside as they tried to get in. at the end of the dream i finally had a machine gun and i just blasted both of those men with so many bullets it was ridiculous.

it was so awful. this went on for 3 hours and just woke up in a sweat my heart all pounding and it feels like there is a burning knot in my shoulder.

i'm so fucking pissed off at that guy who really did bust in my house and just scar me for life with this.
am i just doomed to have these nightmares for the rest of my life?
i'm so tired of it. i'm so tired of being scared and dreams of rape and being shot or stabbed and and just permeates my life sometimes.

and then i had another realization about the incident is not only was it so premeditated but he must have been in up to my door before checking it out even to see if he would be able to bust through that door wit his body, which he did.
which means that he had probably done that before. because you don't just start throwing your body against a door to break it unless you know you positively can.
so he must have known EXACTLY how fast he could bust through a wodden door before i could call the cops.
which just creeps me out even more. and that's what made me have to get up fnally and just walk around and try to shake this off or something.
and i just wonder who IS this man, and is he still out there doing this to women?

how many women before me? how many women after?

i wish i could just go to a psychic and see if they can determine if he is alive or dead or who in the hell WAS this guy???
just what the FUCK???

sometimes i just become overwhemed by the anger i have about it and i just cry.
i feel so tortured.
i'm so angry at this man for doing this to me.
i don't even knwo his name. i don't even know what he looks like.
all i know is the feel of his rough hands on my mouth that smelled like cigarettes.

i hate having this in me.
i hate the hate and fear he put in me that day.
i wish i could cut it out of me.
it's so not fair.
i did not deserve that.

there are no words to describe what i feel.
i hope i can calm down and go back to bed.
i just feel ill and upset.

3:29am

art bell's wife, ramona, dies :(

i actually turned coast to coast on to listen to it as i fall asleep as i usually do, but then i decided i wasn't super interested in hearing the numbers lady again, so i turned it off before the show really started.
then i was laying in bed not being able to sleep becayse i was having nightmares so i got up again to shake it off and read my friend's list and saw the post from jacqui
(http://www.livejournal.com/users/jacqui/540515.html) about it.
i am so sad :( gah.
i wish there was open lines instead of the numbers lady.

now there is just art and his cats? all alone in the desert? :(

from http://www.coasttocoastam.com/

"
In Memoriam:
Ramona Bell
Art Bell's beloved wife of fifteen years, Ramona, died unexpectedly last night after an asthma attack. At present, the exact cause of Mrs. Bell's death has not been determined. It apparently took place during her sleep.

Until her death, Art and Ramona Bell had not been apart a day since they were married. Mrs. Bell had suffered from asthma for years, and took her normal steps to control the attack, which occurred sometime last night in Laughlin, Nevada where the Bells were taking a brief vacation. Ramona Bell was 47 years old.

Our deepest condolences to Art and his family.
"

poor art bell :(

i suppose if you aren't a hardcore c2c listener you won't know who she is.
but, i've been listening to c2c now for over 10 years and it's just part of my life
and part of so many of people's lives who are night owls and a little kooky.

art bell is almost like the walter cronkite of am radio conspiracy theorists, for lack of a better way to explain what he means to so much of us coast to coasters who learn little bits about his life and his cats and his ham radio and clock obsession. *sigh*

+++

Horoscope for Aries (January 6 2006)

You may face some opposition today but nothing you can't handle if you keep your wits about you. If you have built your reputation on solid ground you have nothing to worry about. Be very creative in your description of what's fact and what isn't.

and

Transformative energies
This influence signifies that you need very intense and powerful experiences today so that you can learn everything possible about the inner workings of the world in general and your life in particular. This is an excellent day for taking up any kind of investigation or study. Look within yourself to determine what motivates you, what you are seeking in life and what changes you should make so that your life will run more smoothly. The transformative energies in your life now allow you to make changes rather easily and to derive great satisfaction from making them. In your contacts with others you can, if you choose, express yourself forcefully and with considerable impact. This is a good time to make an impression on someone, if you need to, but do not use this energy for ruthless or selfish purposes.

and

The Moon remains in pioneering Aries today as we seek new ways to do the same old things. There is a first quarter square between the conservative Capricorn Sun and the impulsive Aries Moon. This conflict can build into a series of minor crises as reality tests our intentions, as if to see which goals are important enough to keep. We are supported by an intelligent biquintile between mental Mercury and cautious Saturn, so it's surely a day to apply our ideas in a practical way in order to get what we want.

and

Friday
Moon in Aries
We're still in the astral winds of Aries. Having the energy to multi task and vigorousness to 'get some shit' done is great, but the % of projects finished is higher when we don't beging clusters of things. When we're under the influence of drive, desire and passion it's often easy to not sense for the source or where it's most magnetically attracted. While we have a hint that's its all possible and feel like picking up the tools to do it examine the state, wouldn't it be nice to know how to turn it on when we needed it? Start, middle AND EnD!