jan 5th, 2006
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11:37pm

i have a wicked kink in my right shoulder blade that is such a drag.
i keep trying to work it out but it remains there.
i'm going to lay back in bed and do what i don't really know.
movement hurts.
i can feel the effects of not paying attention to my body.
i need to stretch every day and get back to dancing.
i feel a few extra pounds moving on and when i wake up i am so stiff.
poor old lady voog :)

i'll try to get to bed early so that tomorrow i can get up at a decent time and get more things to the p.o. box.
paid rent. need to pay the other bills.
finished making the chicken soup broth and put it in the freezer.
tomorrow i am just going to eat veggies and stretch.
align my body and mind.

10:50pm

watched CSI and without a trace and sex and the city while i whittled scenes down.
getting only those i NEEDED to be in portal.
also maybe got it down to only 1 or 2 outfits.
with making all these hats and also trying to make music, i can't make all the outfits i want TOO.
not sure.
just for the portal scenes at least, 2 outfits, or maybe just one.
i want to crochet a big long crazy "wedding" dress out of all that white silk chenille i bought long ago.
also thinking about the bono and how i am i going to make huge bono by then.
then i thought i could make a miniature 1 foot tall bono that had all the rhinestones on him.
and then when i see him in the prairie it is the white "cut out" shape of bono so you know i am referring to the smaller version.
but still needing there to be a door in it.
but this would greatly simplify things.
it wouldn't be as cool, but what can you do?
i only have so much time and energy and hands and money.
SO....rolling that around in my head a bit.

found a cherry coke in the fridge i didn't know was there and that was the best :)

10:07pm

 

7:51pm

i love lili taylor :)

7:12pm

i had a dream that i was in 4 parts.
these 4 parts were represented by me, me the psychiatrist who was examiniing the entire situation, my manager bobby z who was , obviously trying to manage everything but just didn't understand the nuances of what was going on at all between me and this other band member (but was also me), my only other band member who was also my brother and when bobby z would leave the room, the band member would try to rape me.
but this was also a part of me because we were family connected by blood (not like my real brother who is adopted). and then there was just me. all of these were aspects of me trying to figure this situation out and i was even shown a diagram of it that looked something like this:

and those are exactly where each part would go. i remember the right corners to out them in, if that makes any difference.
which i think it does have significance because the manager and psychiatrist are at the top.
and it makes sense that the psychiatrist would be on the right side as that was using the creative side of the brain, bobby was purely left brain and trying to make things work "logically".
then there was me at the bottom feeling totally helpless as the creative side, and then this monstrous left side that could not control it's impulses trying to sabotage me and attack me and not get the musical project in order.
it was purely animal whereas ME, was just trying to work on the music and had NO interest in this animalistic instinct thing although weirdly i felt loyal to this person, because they were my brother and family, and so i WANTED to work it out, but i was just stuck in this AWFUL position.
so it was these 2 lower aspects of me fighting and feeling helpless while the 2 "experts" were at the top trying to discern what to do.
but no one was communicating about anything so no one was being informed about what the other part was feeling and doing.
except for , i guess, the "invisible" 5th part of me which was shown the diagram and thus the dilemma.

finally as my brother was attacking me and would not let me go i had to drag the entire "situation" into the hallway for everyone to see, because that is where bobby was and i was like LOOK, i'm NOT making this up!
i'm being attacked here every time you leave the room!
help me! come up with a solution!

but being purely left brain he was just obsolutely mystified and paralyzed over what to do ebcause he had no idea about anything pychological.

i remember apologizing and apologizing to bobby z because there was a time i was supposed to be on stage (this is part of the dream) and the only person who played the show was the drummer (who was my brother).
so the drummer say on stage and did the whole show as if i were on stage, while i hid behind the stage and never came out during the entire set because i was so overwhelmed and petrified of everything.

and bobby came back after the show and gave me this huge lecture about how i have to get my act together and no one is going to stand for this and i'm really blowing my chances and opportunities and if i don't get my shit together all of this will go away. and i was like i know i knwo i know i SWEAR i'll get my act together!
from now on i swear!

and i meant it with all my heart, but everytime he would leave the room the drummer would attack me.
so this was a really sucky situation.

but i remember it least being TRIED to be worked through at the very most basic level.
at least the manager had SEEN that the drummer was attacking me so there was at least the acknowledgement that something had to be done about that.

the psychiatrist never did chime in. it just stood there and took notes and watched before it was going to say anything...but everyone knew she was there.

and then i remember having a show where finally i did not have to sing to a track machine and so i was allowed time to speak to the audience in between songs.
and i said to bobby, oh THIS is what i am missing! i need to talk and connect to my audience!
although i was talking a bit too much and needed to find a balance.

and then for some strange reason i sang barbara streisand's "people"

"people...people who need people....are the luckiest people in the world....."

and then the dream kind of pittered off.

anyway it was a really weird and intense dream and it has stuck with me all day.
i needed to write it down so i can move on with my day.

7:08pm

i made new backgrouns again for my crochet journal and my main lj, and the crochetcrochet community and tweaked the colours. looks, better, i think. at least for now.

time to turn on my heater. brrrr in here.

5:50pm

just fyi, sentences which equal 111 :)

mad things, connected by hooks
(my new motto for crocheting brought to me through serendipity by the babelfish translator as i tried to figure out what some russian women were saying on this russian bbs about my hats)

i make the soup and the string
(my personal motto i've been sayig for ever a year)

this is all there is to here
(inspired by a drunken bout, clutching a wall)

peonies screaming white
(lyrics to my song beautiful hysterical)

partridge in a pear tree
(a song i always have in my head)

5:34pm

the moon is in aries and i can FEEL it. finally some life giving energy to my soggy self!
i still don't know when or if fuzzy's dogs are coming over now. her dad is out of the hospital now but at HIS house for now.

jason is on his way home and then we'll have dinner (for me it'll be my breakfast)
then i guess i just need to tidy up and prioritize and really prepare to start getting some serious work done.
i have a bunch of hats to make and so many projects that need finishing and starting.

like maybe tonight i will finish that hat i started for ducky a YEAR ago
*SPANK ME! FOR SUCKING ON THAT, DAMN!*

here is a post i made in my crochet journal:

crochet mood is back!

i think my mood to crochet might finally be coming back after an almost year long spell of being derailed from it due to various circumstances of my life. i DO have a TON of unfinished projects that i made, tho.
so i hope to FINISH those soon. things i started eons ago.

the wonderful PRUDENCE MAPSTONE is coming to the usa and only a few hours away from where i live.
http://knotjustknitting.com

freeform crochet artist is giving a workshop near Madison WI at Susan's Fiber Shop
http://www.susansfibershop.com/workshops.htm

fuzzybumblebee and i might go but it's still all up in the air because her dad is in the hospital so we just have to wait and see.
but both of us want to meet her and take her workshop really bad!

lionbrand yarn contacted me this morning and wants to commission a hat from me to take to to 2 events: TNNA and CHA
i don't know what those are or what those entail, but i'm really excited to make a hat for lionbrand!!!
i didn't even know they knew i existed, so that was a happy burst to my spirits, indeed!
they are sending me yarn cards so i can pick out whatever yarn i want :)
i am so happy about this :)
i want to make a very colourful and festive hat, i think.
maybe something inspired by peru. that is just what comes to mind when i think about it.

and THEN i'm going to make a hat for my friend pinkveneer who runs the wonderful http://www.crochetlab.com and THEN i'm going to finish the hat i am making for ducky doolittle that i owe her from a zillion years ago...and THEN i am going to finish all the projects that i started and THEN....i am going to crochet my ass off to make costumes for a movie i am making in celebration of my 40th birthday on april 18th.

i decided i wanted to do something really memorable for my birthday. and i wanted to go visit a place i had never been before.
well, long story short, i want to go visit portal north dakota of all places. population 131!
and i'm going to make a very whacked out arty movie there.
why not?

more about that here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ana/1655800.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ana/1673542.html
http://ana.livejournal.com/1700092.html

so ya, i am going to be VERY busy! i want to crochet a very huge...well, you'll see!
plus then i want to compose and record the soundtrack for it.
this will all take probably more than a year to complete, obviously!

so...there ya, go. there is my crochet update!

also in case you didn't see i made a new crochet community:
crochetcrochet
please go join!
already 300 members! :)

i'm at http://www.lionbrandyarn.com right now checking out all thjeir yarn. how am i going to decide which yarn to make my hat from?
so many yummy kinds! mmm!
has anyone tried lionbrand suede yarn?
that looks very interesting!
ooo, moonlight mohair looks nice, too! oh, and the watercolors one!
this is going to be hard to decide!

+++

Horoscope for Aries (January 5 2006)

Your emotions will be difficult to control today, especially if someone tries to push you into a discussion about something you feel strongly about. Be careful not to say something to someone who could hurt your future or your reputation.

and

Ample opportunities
Entertainment and fun are two key themes of this time, which favors get-togethers and parties. You will get the greatest personal satisfaction from associating with others and having a good time. You will enjoy any activity much more if you can share it with others, for this is a very gregarious influence. This is a good time for artistic activity, as well as for getting together with others for artistic purposes. This influence should present you with ample opportunities to fulfill both needs.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Sextile Venus exact at 08:33
activity period from middle of August 2005 until 8 January 2006.

and

The Moon enters impulsive Aries at 9:45 am EST, signifying the beginning of a new emotional cycle. Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac and represents the energy needed to get things started. But the Moon squares chatty Mercury at 2:45 pm EST, so we may create trouble by sharing our emotions before processing them. This can lead to the projection of unresolved anger. Additionally, Aries' key planet Mars is tracking opposite expansive Jupiter through the middle of the month, encouraging us to turn up the volume on whatever we are doing.

and

Thursday
Moon void of course 4:10 am PST
Moon into Aries 6:44 am PST
We have the moon shifting into the cardinal fire sign giving us some burn in the rockets and we can finally get some movement. It's good to have some straight up, blunt even, energy finally this week, the sense that something actually happens when you pedal. Now those new ideas, lists whatever you were packin' seem doable. The downside is it's so easy to start and the follow through is the real way to take something from concept to implementation. Whether that's a commitment to honesty in a relationship or orderliness for a closet. This isn't a drill and cheesy or not when we want to start something that may change our life in the simple moment we have to take that seriously, every moment is the begining of the rest of our lives.