december 26th , 2005
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10:09pm

continued from thought below in 8:40pm

but then i think...maybe there is such a thing as superior/inferior, better/worse, above/below, good/bad etc.
maybe we just like to say there is not inferior or superior only "different" to make oursleves ok with out lazy ass complacent selves who who wish to just sit around and whine and not evolve, you know?
i'm not an inferior whiny crybaby, i'm just DIFFERENT, and this makes me SPECIAL, and in my specialness, i should just BE and therefore not evolve, you know?
or maybe it just makes us feel "equal" to god so we don't have to feel so stupid or should i just say...confused or ill-informed?
what's so great about things being equal anyway? or just..what am i trying to say?
also, because i choose to believe in SOME dualities do i then have to believe in ALL dualities and vice versa?
and of course there is the whole "there are no dualities, there are just shades of grey".
but at SOME point that grey is black and at some point it's white. and i don't know if i could call black and white "shades of grey".
what so wrong with calling a duck a duck?
conversely, why do we keep having to obsessively compulsively identify and label EVERYTHING that crosses our paths?
is it for the sheer fact that we need to label it in order to communicate?
it's when someone's duck is another one's protractor that we seem to get in a mess.
and so we define and redefine and committees are formed to agree on what is a duck and what is a protractor.
still, if i person has it made up in their mind that a duck is a protractor and a goose is a book then there is just not much of any law or rule that can change that. and i suppose that is where the loony bin comes in.
or the dunce hat, prison, the hall of shame, and sometimes the nobel peace prize on occasion.

for some people satan is a pair of high heel shoes.

i think god is a very enlightened toaster living on or near ka-blob.
i think the cylons are right.
and i think i am either an egg or a buffalo.
probably both.

ok, i think i'm over it now.
*over analysis off*
embrace the paradox.
mistakes are divine movement.
knowledge through nonsense.

and i go to my fridge and eat the jello salad my dad made for xmas and sent some home with me.
and it's little things like this that bring everything back into perspective

8:40pm

it's strange how everything converges.
looking up "kobol" because jason and i have been watching the remake of battlestar galactica:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobol

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kolob

and the original writer of battlestar galaztica was a mormon.
so now it makes more sense.
but the more i find out about the mormons, the more mysterious they seem!
i never even gave mormons a second thought before.
i didn't know they were so....for lack of a better term..."intense and complex".
and very mystical.
i've had 2 people now say that my line of thinking lately reminds them of mormons and i'm like ..wha?
everytime i go look up what mormons are and what they are about i am SO not a mormon!
so i don't know what's up with that.

it would be nice to find some science fiction that isn't already based in some religion, legend, myth. i can always trace the roots of almost every "epic" science fiction thing to some religion or myth that already exists.

but i am really loving this new battlestar galactica and it's exploration of what makes a human a human and a machine a machine, in a way like bladerunner.
and the whole who made who and who has say over what because of who made what.
the whole power struggle between maker and made.
and multiplicity (many gods)vs. duality vs "one true god"
and what is truth? and will the "truth" set you "free?"
who are we and do we have souls and do we have an afterlife?
how is it all connected, where do we fit into it all and in the end, does it even really matter?
all the basic questions.

i really thought i was "over and done with" these questions in my twenties. and i was. and to the extent that i was probing at that time, i did come to the conclusion that asking a question such as "is there a god?" is pointless because it never can be answered.

but now, i'm coming at it from a different angle and it's opened a whole new bag of tricks for me, as you can see.

basically, what it all narrows down, for me, is

chaos vs. order.

not dark/light, good/bad, creation/destruction:
but chaos vs. order

because, as far as i am able to tell, light cannot exist without dark, good cannot be ascertained without bad, there can be no destruction without creation.

BUT...chaos might be able to exist without order and order might be able to exist without chaos.
that is the way it seems to me, at least for now.
tell me what you think about chaos and order.

and what exactly IS chaos anyway?
i can imagine infinite order (as much as my small mind can)
but to imagine infinite chaos is harder...
just like how they say no 2 snowflakes are ever the same.
how do we KNOW that to be true?

there is no way.
no one has EVER physically examined each and every snowflake EVER to exist, and therefore, i think the chances that there were snowflakes that were identical to be very likely!
however, if seriously, no snowflake has ever been duplicated...
is that chaos? chaos within the order of the snow flake?

is chaos maybe "nothingness"?
is it a "beingness"?
is it being "out of control"?
what does "out fo control" mean?
and why is something that is "out of control" considered usually to be a bad thing?

i notice 2 kinds of religion, basically.
those that work with chaos and those that work with order.
from what i can tell, there used to be an ancient religion of the seidr that was a "woman way" and it was about letting go and being out of control" going into a trance state so that "god" spoke THROUGH you. (from my limited understanding of it, since there is not much anyone really knows about it).
this makes sense to me then, in a small way why women were feared and ordered religion came around. this was a "craft" which was not understandable or "controllable".
a more "manly" approach started to take place and orderly rituals were brought about to achieve "communion with god".
any other approach that seems "out of control" is deeme "hysterical", "possessed", "demonic".
unless we have the evangelical christians who are speaking in tongues and rolling around on the floor shaking and stuff.

well, ok, now thai think about it as i am actually writing it down maybe chaos and order cannot exist without one another.
or for that matter, maybe light can exist without dark, we would just not ever know it's "opposite".
and is that so bad to never know?

is our pleasure more pleasureable because of our pain?
would we ever get "bored" of pleasure if we never knew pain?
or would we not be able to be bored of it because we didn't know pain?

i can't remember which website i read it at but somewhere i read that the "2 forces" are creation and descruction" and from those 2 things coming togrther a third thing is born and that thing is GOD.

usually we think of it the other way around...that god got bored and so created creation and destruction.

but what is creation and destruction made GOD?
and what is creation and destruction didn't KNOW a third thing "god" had been formed from their collision
but this "god" thing also didn't know that s/he was formed from the collision either..so s/he naturally assumed s/he had formed the creation and destruction and not the other way around?
just as a baby assumes IT is the the center of it's universe and everything revolves around it and all actions are because of it.

this would explain why god of the bible is always acting like a spoiled little baby brat that has to have his way about everything and if he doesn't get his way he will make a big poo poo on your head.

i think god sometimes acts more than a bit confused and contradictory and maybe needs a good spanking.
i'm just not quite sure.

it would be interesting if actually there was no god or anything like a god whatsoever and all of this was just a projection of the human mind on itself. wishful or imaginative thinking.
a wish to be special. i wish to not die. a iwsh that your life, "in the end" "mattered" to anyone..anything in the "grand scheme of things".
but if that is tre and after i die i just die and that is all.
if i am no more than just another snowflake like no other snowflake...unique chaos within order.
how did it all "happen"?

what is all my "memories" of other lives i've had are simple "ghosts in the machine". just tapping into channels of other lives who've "aired" in this universe of "now". i'm just picking up reruns and fragments and applying the to my life because that is what my programming has told me to function?

i feel like the whale that gets created out of thin air by the improbability drive and ponders it's existence for about a few minutes before it collides with the surface of a planet and is killed.

it's like some sort of mad cruel sadistic dark joke!
i hope i really do get to live after my death so i can get the punchline of all this!

if i KNEW that this was the only life i would ever ever exist or "know". if i KNEW that there was indeed no karma or reprecussions of any kind for anything i might do in this life. i wonder if i would live my life any differently than i do now?
would the words "integrity" or "truth" mean anything to me then?
would i "search" for anything?
would i still do anything to be "remembered" by?
how would i apply meaning to my life?
if death was completely final and there is no god at all.

would there still be "order"? or would it become complete "chaos"?
in order for there to be order must there be "meaning"?
and which comes first..."meaning" or order?

i wish i could stick someone's brain into mine who has already thought these thoughts out ad nauseum.
they feel like such old and boring and pointless thoughts.
which is why i stopped thinking about it in my twenties because it was just that.
why am i thinking about it again NOW?

i should just stop thinking and go plant a tree or something.

it feels like pompous luxury to pine about the meaning of existence sometimes.

but then again so many people don't. they are on homer simpson mode. doomed to not want or care to think about why they suffer or others suffer. just waiting for the next beer to be dropped in front of them so they can be happy. i don't know.

ok, i've run out of words for now.
thank god.

and i have 5 days to finish my taxes like i said i would.
SUCKFEST.

 

6:47pm

what is your favourite poem?

post it under the bed :)

this is some of what i was reading last night:

some of it is ridiculous hysterical christian hogwash and some of it is truly interesting.
i couldn't read ALL of it, because just skimming it took hours.
plus the very small font size made it almost unbearable to read.
even if you think the whole mark of the beast, antichrist, whatever you want to call it, is a bunch of silliness, the fact is probably millions or billions of people actually believe it's true (like our current president) and are actually going about trying to make the prophecy come true. so...it's all freaking weird and even if this antichrist thing is just a bunch of untruth, the fact is that humdreds of key people in positions of power BELIEVE this and are acting as if it will happen and are trying to MAKE it happen. and THAT DOES appear to be true! i mean, look at Hitler and the destruction he caused and all his minions and look at bush now (who you can trace to hitler in more ways than one) and just see if "their beliefs" are something not to be examined and understood so we can at least understand why wars are happening in the 1st place.
because even if YOU don't think it's real, THEY do, is the key factor. it doesn't matter if YOU don't believe it's true, the fact is, they believe it and are throwing our lives in the balance for thousands of years over this "story".
so it's good to know what games these people are playing and what they think the rules are so we aren't just pawns in their war games.

http://www.angelfire.com/alt2/antichrist/1.html

then i was lead here but i haven't read any of this yet.

http://watch.pair.com/priory.html

but i want to ask, does anyone remember when i had that apocolyptic dream and i mentioned the word "bear" in it and wondered why i would dream of "bear"?
because now the bear thing keeps popping up everywhere and i want to reread my dream.
it was like i got on the "bear bus" or something.

5:26pm

investigating more into all the mysteries and "occult" things of the world and their history and meanign and what i can ascertain and discern from any of it as to what on earth is going on with this planet today.
came across some really fascinating things about king arthur and how king arthur is to return and how this relates, possibly, to prince william. and it's all just weird as hell.
because even if all of this stuff is totally a myth, it's hard to deny the fact that the "royalty" of today are still heavily steeped in it and the decisions they make in their lives eerily correspond to all these legends as if they are self fulfilling prophecy.
so either 1. all of this is true and most of the public is unaware of some very important truths or
2. the "royalty" of this world are so disconnected from "reality" that they are consciously "acting out" some sort of bizarre play or chess game in which they feel entitled to use "us" as pawns in.
they feel extremely superior to us and are playing by some sort of "rules" that are bizarre to say in the least.
if none of these "myths" are true but the "royalty" are acting as if these ARE true and prince william could be the reincarnation of king arthur...or whatever and all that entails...then the people in power are very disconnected to the point of psychosis and their narcissism knows no bounds.
3. or all of this is true or some of it is true and reality is VERY VERY bizarre.

but this whoe "bloodline of christ" thing is just...freaky.
and SOMETHING is going on...whether or not it is a silly, pointless and stupid game to play, many people in power ARE playing the game and the consequences we all feel, whether we are blissfully unaware or simply uninterested...

then i dreamed about it all night long (actually all morning long since i didn't go to bed until 6am) and at the end i was singing this song with intense fervour about "tuesday is the day of the beast and wednesday is the day of the feast..."

and the song sort of was being channeled out of me not actually from me. and i was suprprised i knew the words or even the song and i was surprised that at the end of the song i felt such strong emotion i started to cry...and i cannot remember the lyrics at that point but all i can remember is something about a star in the sky.

and then i looked down to see who i had been singing to and it was a crowd of children in the dark. and men in red hoods made their way through the crowds and smiled down upon the children for liking the song and i tried to discern if these men were evil and i think they definitely were and i felt used as if like a sock puppet for something i didn't understand yet felt great emotion and allegiance for anyway.

i had totally forgotten (and this is real life now i am talking about) that i chose "tuesday" to be my "stripper name" when i did that because tuesday was the day of war.
being that i am an aries and mars is my ruling planet and mars is the planet of war. i picked "tuesday" as a "strong" name because i felt as tho i was going to war to get the money to make my record, which is why i took up stripping to finance it, because i didn't knwo how else i could come up with several thousand dollars at that time.

anyway...google wednesday feast...and you are brought to an iranian festival where people jump over fire and it's a persian tradition going back to zoroaster...who i keep running in to my excursions is googling over and over again.

when i was singing wednesday is the day of the feast i saw the vision of fire in my head. so it was just weird that i dreamed this and then went and googled and found that.

also, i had a thought of a feather or 2 feather being in my movie to represent 2 dualities. and i was brought to "the feather of truth" by maat, or the weighing of a human heart in the hall of 2 truths.

so reallym this is all too mich to type out because it's been about 10 hours , at least, of constant reading.
but i will write more later and give you my notes and links in case you want to check stuff out.

oh, also the statue of liberty is an odd thing.
very odd.
the 7 pointed crown and she stands on this 11 pointed "star".
and just see where that takes you.

also trying to decipher this whole lucifer thing.
and lucifer is phosphorus who is also hecate who is shown having 2 torchs (but when you see her holding 2 torches, they look to be like 2 wands or rods, not torches).
and why she was later depicted with 1 torch instead of 2 rods is interesting to note.

she also stood at "the gates"

and if you read the poem that is under the statue of liberty it is a really ODD poem, indeed, and actually kind of sends chills down my spine.

now jason is here and i'm going to eat some squash so i will stop typing here.

+++

intriguing images:

11.20.2005 anagram

12.22.2005 anagram

http://www.anacam.com/xmas/

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Horoscope for Aries (December 26 2005)

You'll be serious about doing something to improve your looks or to start your new year's resolution early. You will have the willpower to reach your goals, promote your beliefs and contribute to something you feel is worthy.

and

Pleasantly lazy ***
Valid during many months: You feel very light-hearted and sociable now and want to spend as much time as possible with others. This is a good time for taking a vacation, attending social gatherings, or participating in other forms of amusement and fun. It is not conducive to any kind of serious effort, because you are inclined to feel pleasantly lazy and unenterprising. There is also a very strong self-indulgent streak to this influence. Be very careful not to eat or drink too much.
Fortunately you have the ability to make others feel good if they are unhappy or depressed, and as a result, people enjoy being around you at this time. You may have the chance to do favors for others that will eventually be returned. And since you feel generous and giving, you will not mind doing them.

In some instances this influence has a way of drawing money or other material resources to you. But don't sit around planning how to spend a sudden windfall from heaven, as many people do with this influence. It is a possibility, but only one among many and not the most likely.

Actually it is more likely that you will spend money on objects that you consider beautiful. Others may not appreciate your taste at this time, however, because it tends toward the flashy or gaudy. Be careful that you don't get stuck with something that will offend your own taste in a soberer moment.

You have a great desire for beauty, however, and if your taste is sound you will surround yourself with objects that you can enjoy for years and that will also gain in value.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Jupiter Trine Venus
activity period from 20 December 2005 until end of August 2006.