| december
22nd , 2005 |
||
7:37pm
shechina= 40
neat :) that fits into my movie.
i also discovered that my soc sec # fits in with my movie, too.
too bad i can't put that in the movie, because, well, you know, giving out
your soc sec # is bad.
i still irks me that i have one.
i remember resisting getting one and then my dad went and got one FOR me.
i was SO PISSED OFF.
i'm still pissed off about that.
i don't think that should have been ever forced upon me like that.
it should be a choice.
i feel like someone wrestled me to the ground and branded me like a cow that
day.
she-china
she-chi-na
shock-n-awe
7:24pm
RC 20XL Loop Station
THIS is what i want for Xmas.
i have been waiting ALL MY LIFE for this to be made!
Realtime Phrase
Recording and Sampling
Whether for use onstage or
at home, the new RC-20XL will add depth and excitement to your performances
by
allowing you to layer phrases in real time — as many stacks as you like
until
you fill up the 16 minutes of ample recording space on the RC-20XL. Explore
the
expressive options of sound-on-sound performance by layering your own phrases
to
create a massive “one-person band” experience. Build the ultimate
solo, and do
it all live in real time.
Super long recording time: up to 16 minutes!
Save up to 11 loops at a time
Undo function makes it
easy to create perfect
loops
Built-in auto quantize
for simple and accurate loop
timing
Change loop tempo without changing pitch
Footswitchable loop select (with optional FS-5U/FS-6)
http://www.bosscorp.co.jp/products/en/RC-20XL/
http://www.pricegrabber.com/search_getprod.php/masterid=3845605/mode=googlegfmi/
6:58pm
i downloaded some hebrew fonts.
i have zero idea what this spells but it looks cool:
all i know is that i think it's dalet
that is the 1st letter and aleph is last.
it's odd to read it from right to left and not left to right.
i wonder why writing formed in ways
like that.
right to left
left to right
or in japanese it up to down?
it's funny too because isn't that
the opposite side of the world from where i am right now?
even the music their sounds like it is being played backwards.
it's like 1/2 the planet mirrors the other 1/2.
but then we have the japanese who are in their own alterverse altogether.
god, i want so much to travel and take it all in and KNOW it.
it makes most sense to write from
left to right because then your hand does not pass over the letters and smear
them.
when i was in england and they drive on the 'wrong side of the road".
i tried to tell my english boyfriend at the time that driving on that side
of the left was counterintuitive and he said hogwash it's just what you learn
and grow up with.
but then we were at the glastonbury fesitival, this massive outside music
fesitival that lasts for days.
paths naturally formed where people would walk and GUESS WHAT?
people in england NATURALLY walked on the RIGHT HAND SIDE of the path and
NOT on the left as they drive their cars!
they NATURALLY did that even tho they had been taught to drive on the left
hand side of the road!
what do you make of that?
6:24pm
got done some anacam biz. was behind
on that.
a new bill nelson diary entry:
http://www.billnelsonmusic.com/html/villa/study.php
i didn't know he was around 18 years
older than i am!
that is so weird. i thought he was maybe 10 years older at the most.
well, let's see then what i can accomplish in the next 18 years so i feel
as productive as he always is!
i sure wish i could see him play live. i would be so happy to meet him.
i wish i knew his frickin email!
i know we would get along and have some interesting things to share.
(but then what do i know....you never know until you know...maybe he has a
persona, too, and what i see in his diary is nothing the way he is. but i
do have a feeling he doesn't have a "persona". that is one of the
things i like about him. i hope i am right about that.)
maybe in 18 years i can look back and see all i have done and it will be a
very good thing.
i really hope so. i really won't be happy unless i give everything my all
at this point.
life is so short.
now i have a bit of cleaning to do.
getting this mundane stuff out of the way so i can move on.
listening to ultravox.
is it strange i can relate so much
to an english man 18 years my senior?
i'm going to be a fabulous english man when i older :)
i need more suave suits :)
i want to put my long hair up all frido kahlo style and wear mens's suits
and boots.
i've decided that maybe i like the frown lines that are forming in between
my eyebrows.
it looks like an 11. the number of light.
i will take "serious" black
and white photos of myself like phillip glass.
i will brood and be moody and have a sharp wit.
maybe i will smoke cigars and have a gold tooth like a pirate.
i will laugh hearty laughs that sound like glass of rich merlot every once
in awhile.
it will be fun to be a man who is a woman.
or a woman who is a man.
in saudi arabia they will be so confused
they will not know if they should beat me for driving a car or let me smoke
the hookah pipe with them in the special manly tent.
maybe i will have a salvador dali type beard installed.
i'm sure modern medicine could pull that off.
they seemed to be able to manage getting beach balls into my chest alright.
repeat after me....
no really, repeat after me...
i'm theeeeeeeeenking reeeeeeeeealllllyyy
deeeeeeeep thoughts!
4:18pm
|
|
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/42
i don't have much to say today, or
rather i do, but don't feel like typing it out.
i was really nervous today and laid in bed til 3pm trying to define what it
was that i was so nervous about.
i think i am just on overload/overanalyze mode.
and i also am nervous because it's almost the end of the year and i have to
finish my taxes like i said i would and i am not looking forward to it.
and i am not really looking forward to xmas either.
i just feel "peopled out".
but saturday we go to jason's dad's and then sunday we drive to my dad's for
xmas and it will be cool to see him for xmas, our 1st xmas together ever where
he doesn't have to preach.
i should be looking forward to it but i am not.
i just feel very intense and i am not in the frame of mind to just be chit
chatty about things and keeping everything at a shallow level. nor am i interested
in getting into any deep discussions because i am just low on that type of
energy right now.
so i'd rather not say anything at all....but i have to say something, because
it's the holidays and you can't just not say anything.
i'm sure once i arrive at each destination i will find a way to be that does
not deplete me or make me feel uncomfortable or anyone else.
also i have zero clue what to get my dad for xmas and all that.
he never really wants anything so i just don't know...
and i am so behind on things. i am trying to get caught up today on some things.
my house is a mess, i need to get to the p.o. and send things off.
i need to do my taxes. i'm pissed at myself for never excercising.
i have so many people to get back to in email about projects.
i'm just letting everything slip and slide right by me because i am so overwhelmed.
i was doing so good there and was so on track and then i just got derailed
and i can't remember what derailed me.
maybe it was my dad's retirement and all that.
i got the a-ok from jason's dad to be able to say in here that it is he who
is the one who has prostate cancer.
he seems all in good spirits about it like it's no big deal, but i can't understand
how it can NOT be a big deal especially when it is inoperable and has spread
to other parts. either he is in denial or i just am not informed about prostate
cancer.
it's all very confusing.
so when we go there on saturday, i am going to get him to explain to me what
a gleason score is and a PSA and all that so i can figure this all out.
and jason's dad getting this just reminds me of my own dad's (and mom's )
mortality...
and just..all that goes with that.
and of course my mortality and my dogs.
and pooka is almost 10 years old
now and 10 years old is the average life span of a japanese chin.
so i am just like, gah.
i think he will definitely live for some years more because he doesn't seem
to act old and is in perfect health so i should not worry. but just...you
know how it is...
death and taxes and xmas and the
end of the year and turning 40 in a few months and just all that goes with
that...
all the redefining, rethinking, rearranging, re this re that.
i'm excited about transformation. and everything dies and everything is cycles
and i can see the good in it but it is all painful, too and sad and full of
mixed emotions and struggle.
i don't know.
as you can see i am not the jolliest person to be around right now.
i'm not exactly like "ho ho ho merry xmas"
i'm not in a BAD mood tho either. i am just in a very serious mood.
i feel very serious and preoccupied and i am content to be this way right
now as long as no one tries to "force" me to be anything other than
what i am right now.
i just have to be exactly what i am and that is that.
there is not much leeway in me right now for compromise or shallow chit chatty
stuff right now.
so as long as everyone just lets me be and stays out of my way if they can't
stand my serious mood, then all will be well.
but i just have 0% tolerance for anything less than "the core" of
things right now.
and when i am in this way it's best to just leave me alone and let me just
go about my business at home in solitude.
that is what makes me happiest.
i don't want to explain anything or justify anything or make sure anyone is
ok.
i just want to go about my work in peace and not talk too mich right now.
+++
intriguing
images
(all the other images of this type in the
11.20.2005
anagram)
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/41
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/40
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/39
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/38
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/37
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/36
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/35
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/34
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/33
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/32
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/31
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/30
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/29/
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/28/
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/27/
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/26/
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/25/
http://www.ana2.com/private/today/24/
+++
Horoscope for Aries (December 22 2005)
Things are heating up, and regardless of what you hear, let your intuition lead the way. You can and will gain respect as long as you stick to your own standards.
and
Emotional depth
During this period your communications with others are likely to be very subjective,
colored by personal considerations and not always factually accurate. On the
other hand, your usually casual conversations with others have an emotional
depth that can make these discussions very important now. You are not satisfied
with the superficial face that other people show you, nor are you likely to
show them a shallow side of yourself. So if you can keep conscious control
of your emotions and not lose your objectivity, this can be a time of really
meaningful communications. Female relatives may play an important role in
your life at this time, and one of them may conceivably be able to teach you
something about yourself.
and
Work issues come to the foreground today as you try to maintain control over your direction. Meanwhile, someone else may be exerting force over how you do your job. Even if this bothers you, don't fight back. You probably won't be able to change things to your liking. Instead, wait it out. Cirumstances will get better without any overt action on your part.
and
Thursday the mental channel begins
to flicker a little bit, not like it's going out but that it's changing frequencies.
There is a hard aspect to Pluto in the evening. We have a sense of where our
inner destructive influence is if we wish to look. Often, like clutter, it's
a lot harder to think about then to actually deal with. Rooting out and identifying
our inner saboteurs often instantly gives us a freedom from them.