december 21st , 2005
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11:34pm

crocheted "Flying Spaghetti Monster" Hat :)

http://www.venganza.org/spread/hat.htm

evil pope in santa hat:

http://ana.livejournal.com/1694396.html

9:44pm

i've been toying with the idea of giving everyone a camera when we are in portal and haivng everyone film everything and anything they want to. so everyone is part of the movie making process.
although i do not even know how many people will actually be coming with me on this journey at all.
it could be 2 or it could be 10.

i am still pondering how to do this "funeral procession" or whatever it is that is suppose to be all in red.
medusa marcging down main street with a red glitterly cube, i think, with a long parade of others all in red.
i do now know how i could get everyone red on a limited budget nor even as many people be in it.
or if the town would even let me.

so i am thinking of making a tiny stop animated version of it.
make myself a little town and get little figurines and paint them all red and stuff.
and it can start with something red on main street of portal and then it zips down to miniature version (like in alice in wonderland , in a way). and i can do the funeral in miniature.

or "the procession" i should call it.
i don't even know why i want a red procession but i just do.

also lots of boxes are cmiing into play as to how i will travel "inbetween" places.
for instance, i could get inside a box that is completely covered in keys on the inside and then when i come out of the box i am in a room that is covered in keys.

or i could arrive in portal by crocheting myself some sort of box or box with string in it and then emerge from the string filled box in portal.
into portal through the string box, out of portal through the key box.

i'm not sure yet.
just thoughts rolling about.
then there is the procession with the red glitter box...and i will find a box and bury a box.

 

8:50pm

things i did not know until just now.

http://www.whalewatchmaui.com/behavior.html

Baby Whales

The gestation period for a humpback whale is 11-12 months. When a baby humpback is born it is 12-14 feet in length and weighs 1 to 1 & 1/2 tons.

During the first six months of a calf’s life it goes through an amazing growth spurt. It will grow about an inch and gain about 100 pounds each day. The reason for the growth spurt is because the calf is living entirely off of mother’s milk. Humpback whale milk is some of the richest milk in the world. It is close to 50% fat, and has the consistency of cottage cheese.

The calf nurses by suckling on the mother's single teat, squirting the milk right into its mouth. This way very little milk is lost or dissipated in the water. A calf will consume around 50 to 100 gallons per day. It has to gain strength and body size before making the long swim to Alaska.

http://school.discovery.com/schooladventures/planetocean/bluewhale.html

" A blue whale's milk supposedly tastes like a mixture of fish, liver, milk of magnesia, and castor oil. Bleech! But it's very rich and nourishing for baby blues. A baby blue whale drinks over 50 gallons of its mother's milk in a day. In its first several weeks of life, it gains 10 pounds an hour or a little over 200 pounds a day! "

8:15pm

i don't know what happened with this day....
it just sort of went...
went away...
this day was an odd one.
i feel like i didn't accomplish anything today much except to just confuse myself or something.
in fact, i am not really even sure i accomplished THAT!
i don't know what this day was....
i think i give up on this day being anything.

i keep getting spam saying that my dick is for more things than just pissing. i'm glad to be reminded of this every 10 minutes.

i also had to ban 15 journals from this wigged out girl on LJ that will just leave me alone no matter what.
i don't knwo what her deal is. she makes no sense at all.
she just keeps coming in my journals every few months with new journals and attcaking me for no apparent reason.
it's exhausting.

jason is on my bed doing su doku.
listening to Air.
all the boys on the bed.
i feel spaced out.
all that is on tv is reruns of lost.
how symbolic.

1:45pm

yesterday was such a weird day.
actually, the 1st half of it was mostly normal. well, as normal as one day can be after all i've been through lately.
but i was productive and got on with my day, despite it all.
then was our buildings xmas party thing. just a thing a with yummy snacks and a little wine and beer and a raffle.
and jason and i went down there for the free food and stuff 'cause they always have good food.
and we saw there this one woman who is our favourite who lives in the building. and we are not really friends of hers but i would say we are getting to be friends, very slowly, throughout the years.
afterwards we went to her place just for a few minutes because i wanted to see her paintings.
and i smoked a little somethin' somethin with her, thinking it wouldn't really affect me much, but what i realized is that whatever i had (because i smoke so very little anything i ever have i just hang on to for years and years until it just becomes weak) was really lame and i wasn't used to anything "fresh".
so my brain became aware of itself and all my fractalling thought processes even more than it already always is.
which i find amusing and so it was pleasant. and we stayed a little longer than we planned.
and her apartment was very comfy and inviting and i liked it there.
and she had been talking of this past boyfriend of hers, or at least they used to live together but now don't..but i guess they must still be going tou because then he arrived. and i was surprised to see it was this other guy who used to live in our building. and i never did talk to him much or get to know him either. but he would always remark on my differing hairstyles in the elevator and at other building festive communal events i might talk to him for 10 minutes or so about nothing in particular. but i just got the feeling he was a very nice cool person. he had a nice warm laid back feeling about him. but then he moved out awhile ago.
but then he comes in to this woman's aprtament as jason and i and she are sitting around talking and i put 2 and 2 together and go ohhhh! and it makes me happy that 2 of my favourite people that i had met in this building were going out. they seemed a good match.
but then he started talking, too, and he was a COMPLETELY different kind of person than who would talk to me!
this guy is african american, and when he would talk to me, he just seemed like a normal nice guy and he told me he was going to school to become a dentist and we talked about hair and dreads (because i had dreads then).
and i can't really remember WHAT we talked about by the important thing was the VIBE of him was just this very normal, laid back, earthy, stable person who had a kind smile. he wasn't all "white" he was just not a "playa"
then when he came to his girlfriend's house...or whatever they are to each other now....
he turned into this "street cred weed smokin cool playa party animal from the south"
and he took on this entirely different vibe and demeaner.
he smile became not so much kind but kind of sly.
and his eyes went into this "cool" and "deatched" kind of thing.
and he slumped in his chair all "cool"
and then jason and i left realizing that perhaps these 2 wanted to be alone, so we left to go to fuzzy's birthday party.
and the guy did the whole "peace out" goodbye hand signal thing to us.
so that just freaked me all right out!
who IS this guy?
i am usually a pretty good judge of character when i meet people, in person, and can tell if they are being fakey to me. but i was just floored by this guys transformation into this other guy that when i was talking to him i started wondering if it was actually the same guy! i studied his facial features and everything checked out to be the guy i THOUGHT i "knew"...but still it was such a transformation that i started questioniing myself on whether this guy and the guy i used to talk to briefly here and there were at all the same person!
and it's REALLY hard to have this all going on in your head...fractalling off, analyzing every last piece of everything...and i was still trying to take in the woman who i am just getting to know.
and it was just information overload!
then when i arrived at fuzzy's party i was still completely befuddled by what i had just witnesed and trying to figure it out.
and then i was in the midst of many other people and adjusting to that, but that was all good because they all know i am a spaz so it was good to be around people who i knew who they were and they knew who i was and so there was no "figuring out" to be had.
coojie, the best of all, because she was in my band with me for 11 years, so she has me completely figured out more than probably anyone. and i had to marvel at her capabilities to understand my mindframe immediately and put me at ease.
it's such a rare thing to have a friend like that.
and i am so glad for it!

and it was so cool because the vibe of the party took me right back to when i was about 18...
because of the way things were decorated and there was vinyl records playing new wave, and kiitos and coojie i have known since i was 18 and they were 16...
and coojie's boyfriend i have also know forever..and it just felt as if i had gone back in time to 1986 or something.

but this time it was SO weird because we weren't in anyone's mom's house that didn't belong to us.
fuzzy IS the mom and it was HER house.
so as we sat in the kitchen talking and kiitos was showing all me all her new lotions and potions she is making...
it became the end of the party all of the sudden which sometimes happens.
and there began the mass exodus of everyone and all the goodbyes and the putting on of coats.

and it was so funny to me that it was exactly like long ago except that we were all older now, and even tho it was only 9pm, everyone had to go because they had to get up early to work and stuff and people wanted to sleep.
and we all remarked on how things have changed in that way.

(but of course i was just waking up as usual, being always the nightowl, even tho i don't particularily want to be one. i just normally gravitate to that time schedule)

but on getting up this morning i was still BUGGED by that guy being 2 different people.
it creeps me out and makes me wonder which one is the "real" one.
maybe thye BOTH are him. but i sure did not see that coming from a mile away...the whole "playa" vibe.
and so, in my overanalysis of everything, because i love to figure people out....i'm still wondering...am i just not as good of a judge of character as i THOUGHT i was..or is it this guy is just REALLY good at being a chameleon?
and just sort of melding in with the vibes of others in order to communicate more effectively.
because then i realized i do that too, as he was talking in his "black way", and everyone else was talking in their "white way"....i felt a conflict in myself as to how to "be" in that situation.
like when he talked like that, i wated to become more cool and detached, too....because when i am around cooll and detahced people taht i don't know, i find it a good thing to remain cool and detached myself until i can suss the situation out.
or basically, i just wouldn't hang around a person like that because i am just so "over" that whole cool thing.
but i wasn't in detached mode because i was with jason and wanting to get to know this woman.
so when the guy walked in it through everything off balance for me.

i could sit and think about this all day. but really it's ridiculous to because this guy is not in my life and now that i know this side of him, he is most definitely not going to be in my life.

which made me then revaluate this woman again...like who are YOU to be with this guy?
and she was still struggling with issues i had already dealt with in my twenties.
and i still really like her and would hang out with her again.
but i want so much to find people who are at the level i am at.
not saying my "level" is above or below...just different.
but then as i am trying to describe what "level" i am at...i don't even know how to describe it..
all i can say is that i know what it ISN'T.

and it isn't where those people were, as nice and interesting as they are.
i'm looking for people who can really get to the guts of things immediately.
and have insights into these guts that cause me to think new thoughts in a good and nonconfusing way.

or else people i don't need to explain anything to, we just "get it" and we don't have to explain anything.
and i do already have that in a few of my friends, so i am really lucky for that.
but you know, i'm always open to finding new friends.
but everytime i try, i find i just become incredibly disapointed.

like the rabbi guy seemed like an intelligent human being, and he IS..but he is also a sadistic socipath.
i have met some really good people online, but they all live far away.

but lately with all these weird "other" sides to people i am seeing...
it just freaks me out a little and makes me scared.
and seeing that black guy all of a sudden being this completely different person, it just SCARED me.
and i question my ability to make friends with anyone who is not a complete psycho.
just who IS everyone and why do people have to have all these massively different "sides" to them that cannot be expressed in a cohesive whole?

but then i remember going through this same conundrum in my twenties...
not like i had different personalities depending on who i was with...
but i knew i had conflicting sides and i couldn't see how i could make it all "gel" together.
some people deal with this by having different sides to themselves.
the public side, the side you ahve with friends, etc etc.
some people take on different "personas" and they even will name each persona a name in order to deal with it and allow themsleves to explore this other side.
and that is why so many people think that "ana voog" is a persona of "rachael olson"
because that is what most people do.
like artvamp, on lj, for example, will have her persona of "echo" , and we talked about this together a lot.
how to deal with that you are really a shy introverted prson, but one side of you is an exhibitionist submissive sexual "deviant"..so she named that part of her "echo".

i don't know what i am trying to say. my brain is fractalling off inot so many subsections of this phenomena that it's really hard for me to write about it in a linear fashion.
it could really take up a whole book.

i guess what frightened me most about this guy showing me this other side is that the side i saw of him before seemed "safe", and then side i saw last night seemed maybe not safe.
because i saw a rage in him.
a rage that wasn't being dealt with that i could discern.
instead of dealing with his issues, i saw that he was just trying to divert his attention from figuring himself out into making sure to stay focused on external things like partying. and "playing" people like some sort of game.
and i felt "played" by him.
just like i felt "played by this rabbi and "played" by my mom and her husband, once again.
and i just can't handle one more single second of that.
i just can't fucking stand it and it scares me.

i don't know why this "theme" is being shoved in my face so intensely lately.
is it to show me that i am a lousy judge of character and i should stay the heck away from people?
or is it so that i can see more greatly into this phenomenon for...what reason?
why am i being shown this same scenario being "played out" so many times in a row and so intensely?

even the members of my own family are SO fractured.
so many people are so fractured!
and i'd like to just let this go and say well whatever works for them works for them.
i mean, if it didn't work for them they wouldn't do it that way.
but i don't see it as working for them very well at all.
i see disfunction.
disconnection.
i see the human" machine" not working to it's highest "efficiency" for lack of better terms.
and this not only causes strife in themselves, but sadly, we are ALL effected by it...
i mean look at president bush and all his sides and fractures and disconnections.
and damn, he is really fucking shit up for a lot of people.

and i have 2 sides to me on this, too...one side of me wants to go right inot the heart of things and help people to see what they are doing so they can heal themselves, and part of me wants to just run run run far far away and never speak to another human being for the rest of my life.

i know i could be a good healer.
but i can't discern between those who want to be healed and could benefit from my perspective and experience and those who really just want to hold on to their precious disfunctions (like the rabbi) and just suck the living marrow out of my being and feed on me.

i guess maybe the answer to this is to detach and not feel this sense of URGENCY to heal people who are not ready to be healed, don't want to be healed, or plain just don't even know they need to be healed....
and just be quiet and take things in, and if someone ASKS me something that i can answer that would benefit them in seeing thmselves better, i can do that.
but i shouldn't just OFFER it to them without them ASKING me for it in the right way that does not deplete my energy.

i think i feel this sense of urgency to heal because i am so AFRAID of people.
i just want to heal every all right now so that *I* can live in a safer world!

i think *one down*, 20 billion more to go!
i am just so frightened by people that my instinct, if i cannot run away, is just to merge with them and discover everything i can about them in order to kind of "mind meld" and then just go into them and readjust things so they can see things from a new perspective, hopefully, and gain more empathy and compassion from it....and then they will do less harm not only to themselves but to others, like me.

but this has gotten me burned on too many occasions and is usually NOT the way to go about things.
some people can handle it, and benefit from it.
but some people take advantage of it and suck me try and harm me.

what i REALLY need and want is the "point of view" gun from the movie "hitcherhikers guide".
(it wasn't in the book only the movie)

that was the PERFECT thing.
because then you could get people to see things from a different point of view but you didn't have to personally, merge with them. you just point and shoot.

and that is what i want. i want to quick fix where i don't even have to get near them.

there is so little compassion, and empathy, because we all live in these seemingly separate bodies with separate thoughts. and no one "gets" anything until it happens to them.

and you know, i just don't wish everyone to have to be raped in order to "get" how harmful it is and to the DEGREE in which it is harmful in all it's amazing intricacies. i know i keep using the fractal anaology, but it's such a good one...since everything IS a fractal anyway.
but rape just gets in you and fractals off int you for all the rest of your life just bouncing around in there reshaping EVERYTHING. and i suppose that could be said about any action take upon a person, good or bad.

and on one hand i want to say all pain is relative and that pain is pain is pain.
but at the same time it's not.
like a person who has had relatively little pain in their life might think that losing their job is the worst kind of oain in the world. or when you are 18 and you break up with your 1st relationship and you think you will surely die.
or a child who gets stung by a bee. ...

ok jason came home and i've been talking to him and so my whole train of thought is somewhere else in a way.
actually, it's actually on the same track but just a few more miles down the road so i am having a hard time summarizing everything in order to make the leap to what i was just writing about to where i am at now in my thinking and have it make sense.
if i am making ANY sense at all.

i think i just need this all to "cook" in me for awhile before i am able to write about this in any coherent manner whatsoever.
i've been around so many fragmented people and trying to figure out how to defragment their hardrives that my harddrive now needs defragmenting and my brain is now not working as efficiently as it could be.
i need to check the hardware of my brain for viruses, spyware and then reboot :)
to put it inot that analogy makes me laugh because that is exactly what it feels like almost.

anyway..
that's all folks for now.
i'm not going to go back and read read this or check it for typos because i need to eat and stuff.

it is what it is.

oh and this is not at all a sideline, but the friend who i know who has prostate cancer, it has spread to their stomache and is "inoperable". so they are going to do hormone therapy.
so all last night until almost 5am in the mornng i was trying to learn everything i could about prostate cancer and all the various stages of it and what can be done, if anything. and it was all very depressing.
i don't know what more i can say about that..it's just depressing and INTENSE. and just all the emotions and feelings and the whole 9 yards of dealing with someone in the stages of dying and the people around him also processing it all. it's all just a lot to take in.

3:48am

lots of thing to say but too tired to type now.
i'll say them after i wake up.
goodnight!

+++

Your Horoscope for December 21 , 2005

Do things with others today. Even if you have to work, put a little time aside. The conversations you have today will be profound and will get you thinking in a whole new way about your approach to the new year.

and

A stormy period **
Valid during several months: This influence is likely to coincide with a stormy period in your personal relationships. There will probably be a difference between you and your partner about some personal objective that you both are very closely involved in. Or a difference in your background and conditioning will cause you and your partner to see a situation very differently. Associated with these problems is the problem of identifying so closely with your own point of view that you feel your personal honor depends on having your views triumph. Under this influence any kind of team effort that you become involved in is not likely to work. If you can possibly arrange it, try to work by yourself on a project in which you have the total initiative.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Square Ascendant exact at 04:57
activity period from middle of August 2005 until 27 December 2005.

and

The background events of your life are moving slower than you prefer, but at least they are pushing forward now. Have confidence that the snags you've hit are a thing of the past, even though your progress is still tentative. It's important to realize there is no need to struggle. The biggest problem may be your impatient desire to reach your destination. Forget about it and relax while you can.

and

Thursday the mental channel begins to flicker a little bit, not like it's going out but that it's changing frequencies. There is a hard aspect to Pluto in the evening. We have a sense of where our inner destructive influence is if we wish to look. Often, like clutter, it's a lot harder to think about then to actually deal with. Rooting out and identifying our inner saboteurs often instantly gives us a freedom from them.