december 19th , 2005
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the guy that sent me the 3,000 keys is going to send me even MORE keys!
yippee! woo hoo! i can't wait to lay them all out on the ground and see how much room they cover!
it will also be good to know how LONG it takes to lay that many keys down in a pattern so i am ready to shoot the scene in portal.
but then there is another scene where they cover the walls of a room.

i still need to get more skeleton keys, too.
really BIG over 6 inch long skeleton keys.
i have 1 but i need 44 of them.

i see some pretty cool ones on ebay, not too expensive (but 44 of them are!)
i need some $$$!

i'm getting in a better mood again.
healing. rebalancing.

time for sleep.

 

5:19pm

i think i will work on a 2005 retrospective that summarizes u my year in a few words and pictures.

4:40pm

surrender your time to me...

 

4:22pm

sonia's knots, my hair

3:55pm

skull of unknown animal

 

3:31pm

the order of the rainbow vertebrae

 

3:18pm

3,000 keys

3:07pm

52 buffalo nickels on a crystal dish

2:53pm

goose bone painted silver

2:17pm

the 7 teacups hat

here it is!
the 2nd hat i've finished this year!
i onder if i can finish one more before 2006?

i took some more photos too of cool bones and things.
i am working on getting those up in here for you.

i feel like i am coming down with a cold.
i just feel it in my head...that icky rundown feeling.
i know it's from all the stress i've been under, and then when i went to target to go food shopping and i touched things the thought went through my head that i was going to catch something.
maybe it was self fulfilling prophecy. i don't know.
but i definitely feel unwell.
both emotionally and physically.
i am trying with all my might to get out of it.
i will take care of myself and take vitamins and gets lots of rest, etc.

i feel like i need a really good cry.
i feel this lump in the back of my throat and a compressed feeling in my heart.
my anger is turning to sorrow that i have been so completely duped and blindsided by my mom's manipulation and her husband's involvement in it. i feel so lied to and violated.
their sense of entitlement to do this to me because they feel superior to me and so this somehow justifies their behaviour in violating my boundaries makes me sick.

literally, i now feel sick.
and i then i am aggravated at myself for letting this get to me.
like i shouldn't let thme get to me like this.
but i'm human and that's the way it is.
i shouldn't beat myself up over not being a fucking robot and having no feelings about this.
i want to feel nothing. i want to just not let this get to me so much.
but god, it really has gotten under my skin this time and i feel so betrayed.
i just feel so utterly betrayed and violated.

i hate that i am ruminating about it and that it's actually making me physically ill.
if i can just get a good cry to happen maybe i can move on.
but i am on prozac which makes it difficult to cry even if you want to.
prozac is weird like that.
i don't know how it works. but it can kind fo "freeze" emotions and stick them in a box in the back of your mind.
and then when you go off they unfreeze, and the box is opened and you cry.
at least that is how it is for me.

usually i would be happy not to cry because i have had enough of crying.
but this time i really feel a need to, even tho i know it will not be a pleasant experience. i need the release and then a bath.

i'm trying to just get on with my day..and i am doing so.
listening to Air and taking photos.

i will just keep being productive until this passes.
that's all i can do is throw myself into projects and things to get on with my life and so i don't grind to a screeching halt.
i refuse to let them do this to me.
all of 2005 was utterly fuct up because i was so fuct up about this situation with my mom. and it stopped me from making a new record.

i fucking refuse to let that happen in 2006.
i just refuse. it's not going to be that way.
i have 888% resolve to not let that happen.

goddamit, they can fuck right off.
my life is my life and my time is my time and i'm not going to let there pathetic immature antics get to me.
let them smugly think they are superior to me.
go ahead you pigfuckers. go ahead and think you helped me there by violating me once again.
you've done you "christian" duty, shitfaces.
i hope you can sit back now and feel smug and loaf in your lazy chairs enough to LEAVE ME ALONE now.

my friend and her husband helped me sort a few things out. i want to include the partial email they sent me today, deconstructing the poem my mom's husband sent me because it helps me to just document this so i know i am not going crazy:

"Last night, my husband (who has a PhD in English) and I (who have a B.A. in Creative Writing and Psychology) (not that degrees matter, but said simply to indicate that we've both studied this sort of thing a lot and might have some learned insight on why Steven thought this might be suitable to send to you.) sat down and broke apart that poem. While we may be right and we may be wrong....This is what we came up with. We figured that it goes without saying that Steven and Crystal both feel that they are the superior observers of your life...that they hold some key to knowledge that, if given to you, would unlock what they view as your "potential" for living life according to standards that THEY feel are superior to the ones that you feel are best for you. This is an opinion. Neither one of us pretend to actually KNOW that this explication is correct, so we are basing it on what you have written in your journal..past and present, and what I know personally about your situation. :

Romance for a Demoiselle Lying in the Grass

[The word "romance" is ( in some dictionaries) defined as " an exciting and mysterious quality (as of a heroic time or adventure)". This poem is told from the standpoint of someone who is looking at the young lady lying in the grass speculating about something that could possibly make her happier and more fulfilled. She is unaware of the observer's perspective. They are forming opinions about her without her necessary knowledge or consent. She is just lying there...or leading her life....and they are watching her, expressing what they feel she is doing....judging her.]

It is grass.
It is monotonous.

[ Talking about life in general or the place where the "young lady" is spending her time.]

The monotony Is like your port which conceals
All your characters
And their desires.

[ The word "monotony" can be defined as, "the quality of wearisome constancy, routine, and lack of variety" or, as it applies to you, the things that you do in your daily life...simply put...having the cam, living your life before an audience, of sorts, spending time on LJ....It is the observer looking at the girl lying in the grass...each blade of grass being the same, routine, monotony...so that staying busy with the cam, or LJ or whatever, rather than pursuing the dreams and ideals that the *observer* has deemed valuable FOR you. In other words, it implies that the girl is staying busy observing these same 'ol blades of grass and doing the same 'ol thing all the time so that she won't have to reveal who she *really* is. The observer feels that for the young lady, the monotony acts as a diversion from that which could REALLY make her happy....and in Wallace Steven's case, it probably means Christianity.

I might make many images of this
And twang nobler notes
Of larger sentiment.

[The observer might have an opinion about it and philosophize and cluck his or her tongue and make a big deal about it...but....]

But I invoke the monotony of monotonies
Free from images and change.

[...but instead, the observer twists the situation around and says that what is REALLY monotonious is the girl's continual lying in the grass. It implies that there is something much more exciting in life...again...probably Christianity...simply because Wallace Stevens wrote it.]

Why should I savor love
With tragedy and comedy?

[Here, it appears that the observer is putting him or herself in the place of the young lady and asking, "Why should I do anything better or different than I am now doing? "Why should I CARE about anything other than this? "Isn't this all there is in life?"]

Clasp me,
Delicatest machine

[ This might be an invocation to life itself or to Christ. "Clasp me" meaning "embrace me"...."Delicatest machine"....meaning REAL life....but "machine"...being something that does work...that produces...It could literally even mean a lawn mower...but this is doubtful.]

So, in essence, the poem might be talking about the young lady just going through the motions of living a real and meaningful life (according to the standards of the observer), shutting out those things which are important and meaningful TO THE OBSERVER, but to learn why it is important, the young lady must rush into the bosom of life or into the arms of Christ...or she will always be empty, somewhat...just lying there in the grass, each blade the same as the next, staying busy with all of this stuff that appears to be appealing (taking it easy in the grass) when in reality, it is monotonous and not as exciting as finding Christ. This poem takes the stance that the observer knows a lot more than the young lady knows.

Again....this is just opinion and I am not, at all, trying to represent it as accurate. It's just a possible explication based on a few things that i have observed.

Hope this helps you sort it out."

---

i am grateful to have such wonderful, helpful, and intelligent people in my life.

now i am going to work on getting the rest of the photos up for you all.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (December 19 2005)

You'll enjoy the luxury of being in the right place at the right time today. This is the perfect time to broach your ideas with others and to start something new. Your quick wit and eagerness will win you points.

and

Calm and foresight
Now you experience a time of balance and equilibrium in your life, when you can be yourself with the fewest obstacles from people or circumstances. Various affairs in your life will hum along very nicely now, and you may be tempted to think that they will always go this well. But in fact this is the time to firm up your affairs and make sure that they are strong enough to withstand troubles that may come later on. You should examine those matters that clearly have not worked out. By now you should have made new beginnings in these areas, so you can tell how your new tack is working out.

and

A wave of serious feelings washes over you now, as your high frequency caffeine buzz begins to fade. You may not be thinking as clearly as you were over the weekend, but you may still have a surprise or two in store for your friends. Don't act too fast as you try to cover up your own insecurities. Instead, let others see a wiser and gentler you.