december 18th , 2005

http://www.anacam.com/xmas/

pictures to make up for my hours of bitching today:

 

 

10:23pm to 1:41am

the more that i think about it, the weirder it seems to me as to why my mom's husband emails me while i have a restraining order on my mom. he and i were never close. so he said he had a "bad dream"
about me and wanted to make sure i was "ok".
i can understand that. i've had bad dreams about people before and called them up to see if they were ok.
but why doesn't he just say that in the email then? why be all coy about it? and we were never so close that i can imagine him NEEDING to ask me if i was ok. and the statement wasn't even "are you ok?" on the email it was just "are you willing to write to me" and i say "why?" and he says "a conversation".
the vagueness of it all just STINKS like my mom.
i swear to god, i'll bet she types it, too.
i know how he types and he doesn't type like that.
if he said he typed that he is LYING.
now that i think about the way he laughed when i said it seemed typed by my mom..it seems like i lying type of laugh.
i wish i could play it back.
i wish i could see his body language.
he was lying , i know it.


maybe it was my mom who had the "bad dream" and made him contact me in the guise that HE had the bad dream.
because i can't imagine him emailing me over a dream especially when i have a restraining order on his wife.
the more i think about it, i think she put him up to the task.

either that or if he did contact me all on his own wanting to know if i was "willing to write to him" to have "a conversation" wouldn't that make my mom awfully JEALOUS if she found out that i was talking to him while she was banned from doing so by law?

i mean way to go to make my mom jealous as all hell that i would be willing to talk to him and not her. you know?
knowing my mom, that would make her AWFULLY jealous.

and he would be an ASS to make her feel that.

so either way you look at it. it really wasn't the right thing to do no matter how "well intentioned" it was.
if my mom got him to see if i was ok then she just broke her restraining order, and if he contacted me without her knowing, then that is just really fuct up, too, because then that is keeping a huge secret from my mom which is just really fuct up.

i wish this kind of stuff didn't linger with me all day.
i would really rather thik of something else!

but the whole thing just smells fishy to me. you know?
either way i look at it the whole thing doesn't add up or feel right at all.
and either way i look at it i just feel kind of "duped" or "had".

either wya i look at it they are 2 very fuct up selfish people.
and he should never have contacted me in the way he did.
i don't think he really should have contacted me at all.

and still the way it was originally written. saying he got my email from my "hat journal". that is so something my mom would say.
she always uses that phrase when she wants to say she has been reading my journals but she doesn't want me to think my private life is being invaded. she'll just say "i wasn't reading your journal, i was just looking at your hats". hats my ass.
and like her husband would have ANY interest whatsoever in my hat journal. i am so SURE. crocheting is the last thing on his mind, i have no doubt.

it all just reeks of something not being right.
and i'm irked and feeling manipulated.

i feel quite sure my mom manipulated him into checking up on me.
either that or he is just way creepier than i thought.
sneaking around on my mother, writing me emails without her knowing.
even the way it was worded "your mom doesn't knwo i'm writing".
i don't think i have EVER heard him refer to my mom as "mom.
he always refers to her by her name or as "your mother".
he NEVER says mom. it's MOM who calls herself "mom".
reading my JOURNAL (even if it IS my hat journal) without her knowing. if he is at ALL trying to help her move on with her life and not obsess about me...than HIM looking at my journal is NOT very helpful to her , is it?
it's just smells of something very thoughtless and careless and wrong! if my mom is trying to stay away from my journals (which i know she is not) how is this in any way HELPFUL her to get over stuff if even HE is checking up on me, too??
how can that be good in any way shape or form for anyone involved?
how is checking up on me and reading about my interest in kabbalah HELPFUL to HIS WIFE who should be working on getting over obsessing on me and here he is ENABLING this behaviour in her by doing the exact same thing! ENABLER!
what the hell is wrong with this picture and why does it take me so long to figure it out?
is his need to tell me that he is interested in shechinah, too, in ANY way helpful to his wife who he should be ASSISTING in getting over her fucking obsession with me?

and sending me weird poems that have weird undertones to them, even if it was religious...even if i did like the poem...still.....
it's just not right at all. it STINKS.

why couldn't i see all of this BEFORE i called him to make sure it was him sending me the emails and not her?
and as if he would tell me the truth.
he has totally hurt me in the past many times in order to "come to her aid".
so why not do it now, too?
why NOW does he care about me?
he certainly didn't give a shit about my welfare or wellbeing before as he told me that i was a horrible person who was making everything up and that my pain wasn't real and i should go worship at my dildo altar.
he certainly didn't give a rat's ass about me THEN.
why NOW? why NOW would he all of a sudden "because of a dream", care?

and weirder still why did he feel the need to ask me if i had/have low self esteem...a thing my MOTHER always says to me.
i mean, for fuck's sake!
and he gives this reason that has still been , apparently bothering him...when i was going to live for the 1st time with roomates and moved out of my mom's house...i was going to live in the basement of this house.
and when i showed them the basement my mom and he were both so flabberghasted that i would think the basement would be liveable that they again asked me over and over and over and over that why is it that i have such low self esteem for myself that i would consider living in gross basement?


well, it was fucking ridiculous because it had NOTHING to do with low self esteem and had everything to do with i had a great IMAGINATION and i have INGENUITY that i can make strange places into fun little womb like nests to live in.
i don't THINK in ordinary ways. i don't HAVE to live in a BEDROOM in order for it to be a bedroom!

i can think outside the box!

and the both are STILL holding onto that i MUST have low self esteem because i IMAGINED it would be ok to live in a basement when i was 19 years old???

that was TWENTY YEARS ago. let it GO.
i didn't have low self esteem back then about it and i sure as hell don't have low self esteem about it NOW.

maybe it was unlivable but that had nothing to do with self esteem and everything to do with i was 19 and naive and i have a great imagination! why do they have to view me so negatively?
why couldn't they just have said "it's so amazing how you have an ability to see things in new ways and create something beautiful out of nothing, but since we know more about houses than you do because we are older and have dealt with houses...we must warn you that this basement is prone to flooding and so is therefore unwise to live in?"

*doing a john belushi imitation* "but Nooooooooooooooo...."
they have to hold on to the thought that i have low self esteem for over TWENTY YEARS because they are so negative and rigid in their thinking!

god, stop PROJECTING on me "mom", i am not YOU!
i mean, seriously, i had to tell my mom's husband on the phone that i was going to be 40 in a few months about TEN times before i think it FINALLY started sinking in that i MIGHT just be an adult now and not some baby in a basket floating down the nile river, unaware of the world and my surroundings or who i am or that i have any rights like right to BOUNDRIES.


just...it's all so nonsensical to me.
it's so disconnected. the entire conversation was disconnected.
no wonder i can't remember it very well and it just left me with this weird feeling. like i wanted to say it was a good thing, but underneath i felt it was a bad thing.
like a stalker sending you flowers or hundred dollar bills...

it's like my mom made a weird ass list to give to her husband to recite to me. even the whole "do i ever think about having a child?" thing. why would HE care?
and what a disjointed thing to say!

my mom has TOLD me that she wishes i would have a child and give it to her. (because she can't have another).
now if THAT isn't just plain weird, i don't know WHAT is.
i mean she was saying it like a wish, but she really was asking me...would you get pregant and have a child and give it to me?
she was, and i found that thought to be just weird.

i swear to god it's my mom's "secret" wish i get accidentally pregnant so she can have the baby. maybe that was HER thinking outside the box.

but that is a lot weirder to me than me living in a basement.

my mom wishes i was a baby again soooo much that she now wishes i would have a baby to replace ME. she just wants a toy so she doesn't have to face herself.
it grosses me out so much!

they are both really sick, if you ask me.
next thing you know they will be asking me if i would surrogate a child for them with her husband's "seed".
i swear to god they would actually do it.

just weird out of the blue questioning...
do i want to have a child?
have i had an abortion?
would i ever have an abortion?
do you have low self esteem because at 19 you wanted to live in that basement?

just what the HELL???

no wonder i am completely mystified by that conversation and getting that poem the next day.
i just feel weird about the whole damn thing.

but that is just the way of my mom and i guess him now, too.

they are like STEALTH bombers.
i don't even realize what has happened to me until it's over and too late.

they are just such manipulators i try to see it coming and dodge it and pretty much dodge them all now...but fuck, ok, she got me there again.

i feel like such a sucker, and no i'm NOT saying that because i have low self esteem.
i just feel totally had.

jesus h. christ on a mother fucking stick.

another thing, too, the more i think about this...now it's almost midnight , i have been typing so long.
one SURE clue that my mom put her husband up to it is i heard her walk by the phone when he was on. and she did not SAY anything.
and i asked him, was that my mom walking by? and he said yes.
and i said does she know i am talking to you? and he said yes.
well HOW could she know if she had not been orchestrating and manipulating this whole scenario?
don't you think that if you were her and all of a sudden, late at night, your husband is talking to your daughter who has a restraining order on you...you might SAY something in SURPRISE?
just ANYTHING? like "who are you talking to?" and "why are you talking to her?" wouldn't you utter just a tiny SOUND instead of CREEPING by the phone??? wouldn't it be just a LITTLE bit out of the blue to have your daughter call your husband...not mention the fact that your daughter has NEVER EVER in the 20 years of the marriage EVER called him even ONCE? not even to say hello because THAT is how "unclose" they are?
wouldn't you, if you were the mom be a TINY bit SHOCKED and want to know what is GOING ON?? why be COMPLETELY silent and "tiptoe" off the "the bedroom" as if she is not even INTERESTED that i am talking to her husband on the phone and having a conversation with him on the phone for the first time EVER, late at night?
oh ho hum...i think i'll tiptoe to the bedroom and nod off...
my daughter who i've been obsessing about is having an hour long conversation with my husband..i know not why and i don't care..
off to bed i go!

i mean COME ON!!!!!


arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

i have been totally totally completely had.

now the question is, do i call them on it or do i let them think they got away with it?

my mom found a crack and got in. she pecked and pecked and pecked and like water she just seeped in through that tiny little crack.
like a little draft of air she got in the tiny crack and now i can just feel her smugness a mile away like a satisfied little vampire.

now she thinks she has a foot in my door and so for the next year can check up on via her husband and get her fix like the pathetic junkie she is.
welllllllll....i'm going to put an end to that.

i just knew that didn't sit right with me and didn't add up.
she is soooooo good. she knows EXACTLY how to play me like a violin. she knows every button to push and in just the right way.
but she has to be out of buttons by now.
i can't think of any other buttons she could press besides contriving her own death to get me to stop by and see her at her funeral.

maybe she was the one who picked the poem to send me?
which would make more sense because it didn't make SENSE for HIM to send that to me.

none of this makes any sense to me.
it's all just fucking WEIRD.

even the thing before the poem:

"As an old Rabbi once said: forgiveness is the key that unlocks our prison’s door and opens up the door of heaven all at once. So thanks for using your key.

I won’t bother you further for now since I have heard your plea but to give you this little word from one of my favorite poets, Wallace Stevens, which you may come to like too"

my PLEA ?
that sounds so subordinate to me.
when was i making a PLEA?
even the title of the poem with the word "demoiselle" which means "little lady"
it's all so condescending somehow.

like i am this little lady who was making a plea.

and the entire line " i won't bother you further for now since i have heard your plea"

what the hell does THAT mean?
on the phone, that night, i told him it was ok for him to email me any time. (that is how duped i was).

that whole sentence FEELS to me like "i will not feed off you any further for NOW because i have gotten what i needed from you, for NOW...until i need my next fix..i won't bother you further...your subordination (because i have chosen to view it that way for my delicatest EGO) to me has given me a fix for a few months"

how does he or she turn the entire conversation where i was trying to EMPOWER myself and i was pissed as hell into making me feel like a "little lady who was making a plea"?

does anyone know what i mean???
like he is doing me a FAVOUR now by not "bothering" me and "hearing my plea".
oh THANK you your highness. i am so glad that you have heard my lowly plea.
may your highness grant me the key to heaven now and may you please not bother me again until your well runs dry.
i am so glad i PLEASED you.
thank you for the bizarre ass double entendre poem with weird sexual overtones...where some "little lady" is lying in the grass and either you want to clasp her or she wishes to be clasped by some machine...i can't figure out which..but either way you look at it she is most lowly and it gives a feeling of helplessness or at the very least surrender...which is just...augh...not exactly what i feel like feeling right now when i think of either my mom or her husband.
just WEIRD.
just YUCK.

"Clasp me,
Delicatest machine"????

"Why should I savor love
With tragedy and comedy?"

what does that MEAN?
does that mean why should i FEEL?
what the hell does it mean?

"i have heard your plea"???

what in the #$%$##$#%$#???????

alas, dear demoiselle, i have heard thy plea and will grant you freedom until my next FIT doth clasp me...like a delicaTEST MACHINE??

MONOTONY INDEED. crunch crunch crunch goes the thoughtless robots as they much on my marrow.

and isn't that entire poem about projection?
something so monotonous that you could project it to mean ANYTHING?

is that what *I* am doing right now??

they make me feel crazy and question everything.
they both make me feel as if i am somehow very small and not in control and that i am very stupid indeed.
always telling me i have low self esteem or making me feel like i am in danger. putting all their fears into me and projecting on me and making me question my sanity. making me feel uneasy and like something is wrong even tho it all looks right on the outside.

and that is not good.
and i don't want to be around people like that.

i don't want to be around people who poke me like a bug.
emailing me out of the blue with vague shit and then waiting HOURS and HOURS before saying the next incredibly vague thing until i can take it no longer and i call, all enraged.

and then they can sit there all cool and collected while *I* feel like *I am the one who is being hysterical and unreasonable and having a weird reaction.

"oh, i never thought of it that way" they say, robotically.
i never thought that if i poked a stick up your ass your would yell in that fashion. silly me. thanks for pointing that out. we will compute that next time we zap you with probes searching for marrow to feed on"

what the FUCK???????

are they THAT stupid???
or are they THAT manipulative??

or am i just off my rocker and overly sensitive??

AMBIENT ABUSE.
i swear to god is what it is.
it's so damn crafty. it's so AMBIENT you cannot name it or see it.
it's like VAPOUR.
like a poison vapour that slowly makes you feel you are going insane and you don't know why.
it makes you feel like YOU are being unreasonabel because everything looks FINE on the outisde, so obviously it there musy be something wrong with YOU because the outside picture of everything looks all fine and dandy. it whittles away. it pecks...

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!

a little peck here, a little peck there...

why they didn't do anything WRONG they just wanted to make sure i was OK! it was for MY own good! because they CARE about me.
they had a bad dream and wanted to make sure i was not in danger. how THOUGHTFUL of them.

and how nice that they "heard my plea" and will not "bother" me again for for a little while. and "bother", that is SUCH a "mom" word. "i will not bother you.." that is SO her words.
why should they care if they will BOTHER me NOW?
hey, don't stop THERE!

how SWEET of them! how caring and thoughtful!
it's like candy canes and fruit baskets!

why no, i HAVEN'T had an abortion!
and gosh, no i didn't have low self esteem 20 years ago when i thought it would be cool to live in that basement. how THOUGHTFUL and LINEAR of you to bring that up!

you must really CARE about me SO MUCH!
thank you for hearing my PLEA oh most on high adult gods!
certainly "hear my plea" next time you wish to violate my boundaries, too! and then please send me weird ass poems afterwards that make me feel icky all over as icing on the top of your sugar encrusted shit basket.

i don't even know what to say. i think i am finally out of words for tonight.
i am SO sick and tired of being angry.
and feeling icked out and manipulated.

i want to go hide in the woods or my closet for several weeks and just zone out.

another day gone by wasted on "them".

ohmigod. i will NOT waste another day on this!

ENOUGH!!!!!


9:10pm

well, in whatever way he meant when he sent me that poem,
i have looked up wallace stevens, and i have not read any further poetry by him, but by the titles of his poems it sounds interesting (the titles are so very "me"), so i will investigate:

http://www.loa.org/volume.jsp?RequestID=3&section=toc

6:53pm

bayarts wrote under the bed:

"I don't believe that the Wallace Stevens poem is sexual in nature at all. He is sort of hard to understand, but Stevens wrote primarily about being anti-anti-Christian and about renewal of faith, so I'm sure this poem has something to do with that. I think this poem is about there being more than what one sees on the surface in terms of Christianity...but I would really need to do some background reading to refresh my very limited knowledge of his work before i could say for sure. "

that makes a LOT more sense then, because my mom's husband was surprised and interested that i was talking about "shechinah".

and i am relieved.
i must just be ultra sensitive to
"perviness" right now because of everything that has happened to me.
if this is a religious poem, it makes more sense.

still, i feel a little ooked out still.

6:15pm

ok, so after my long talk with my mom's husband...
he sends me this poem which he says is by one of his favourite poets, Wallace Stevens.

Romance for a Demoiselle Lying in the Grass

It is grass.
It is monotonous.

The monotony Is like your port which conceals
All your characters
And their desires.

I might make many images of this
And twang nobler notes
Of larger sentiment.

But I invoke the monotony of monotonies
Free from images and change.

Why should I savor love
With tragedy and comedy?

Clasp me,
Delicatest machine

is it just me or does that seem a little weird to send THIS poem to ME?
am i just reading into this too much?
i mean...i just don't get it.
what does this poem even mean?
this seems like a love poem to me.
i mean, it has the word "romance" in it and the last 2 lines seem sexual, don't they?
maybe he just wanted to show me one of his favourite poems which just HAPPENED to be a romantic poem and there is nothing more to read into it than that?
but still...don't you think this is the ODDEST choice for a poem to send to me after everything?
am i just reading too much into this or wtf?
i'm just getting a weird ooked out vibe from it.
and just from our conversation in general.
i wish i could play it back to see if i am just reading into this.
am i just being hypersensitive because of all the ooked out sexual weirdness thrown at me the last few days?
or IS this really a weird poem to send to me...his stepdaughter...
i mean, he tells me he doesn't think of me that way, and i also don't think of his as my "stepdad". i mean, he is only 10 years older then i am.
but i'm just feeling a very WEIRD VIBE from this.
tell me what you think.

that mixed in with him asking me if i ever think of having children, or if i ever got pregnant would i have an abortion or have i ever had an abortion?
sure, those are interesting questions especially in regards to the fact he has no children of his own and i know he wishes he could have...
but of all the bizarre topics to talk about on that night after not speaking to him for so long and how much we had to work through and everything...just...to jump to THAT very personal subject...wtf?
it just struck me as ODD.
and then the next day he sends me this poem.

can someone tell me what they think of this?
i'm trying to sort this out...

 

6:03pm

ok, it hink i might finally be done emailing this woman and helping her out now.
helping her to organize herself and present her webpage in a more professional and credible way.
told her to get the help of a writer/journalist/lawyer to help her organize and write that page in a way that makes everything more clear and less frantic sounding.
because right now it's a lot to sort through with a lot of broken links and it could use a lot of work to get it more organized and professional looking and sounding.

4:52pm

done food shopping. so nice to have a full fridge again!
so nice to have some fruit and vegetables!

in the oven i have a HUGE butternut squash baking.
and on the stove i am simmering a big slab of corned beef which i will add potatoes to later and maybe some other things.
i'm going to look up on the net other things that might go.

i have a big bowl fresh cut up cantaloupe, pineapple and grapes.
yum! my body needs fruit so much!

i didn't get to take pictures of my new hat i made. now the sun is down.
so little daylight.

i had a dream that i was in a play but i only had one line and i was a really minor character of an elf in a baby carriage, yet i was put center stage and made to sit there for the entire play.

i know this is a dream, again, about my very short-lived drama i had between that sociopath rabbi and i and now this woman who has been abused by him.
she is trying to suck me into her drama by asking me to make a statement against him on this website against him.
no frickin way, i say.
i do not need the spotlight on me so some hannibal lector can make me a target of is demented fantasties.
and i have nothing to add!
all the proof is already in the links on that site.
all i could say is "i had a hunch this guy was bad news!"
and that is really all i could add.
if i actually HAD any "proof" of any sort that wasn't already out there, i would add it...but i just don't!

i took the rabbi's wife off my list now too.
i'm just not up to being sucked into this drama on any level.
and i can't play psychiatrist to this poor woman who is obviously still extremely traumatized by it all, understandably.
and i am really grateful she warned me about him.
and i talked about it all day with her yesterday.
and she told me how i helped her, and i am glad. she helped me too by warning me!

but lord, when i just took time out to crochet and watch the sound of music she freaked out and thought maybe the "rabbi" was contacting me and that is why i had not emailed her back yet.
and that is just way too paranoid and high maintenance for me.
i'm just like DUDE, i was watching a movie not conspiring against you!

*whew*
just...TOO MUCH!

plus i have my own drama to deal with...
the thing with my mom's husband..just still trying to sort that whole thing out and need to let go of that too.
it was good mostly, but it was also kind of confusing.
and i don't even want to get into it.
so you know, that is that. whatever!
he apologized to me. that was nice.
he's still a weirdo in my eyes because of the way he contacted me and when i asked "why?" all he wrote back was "for a conversation"
which was so fucking VAGUE, i mean SPIT IT OUT MAN.
which is what i told him on the phone.
and he was like "oh, i didn't see how you could take it that way but now that you point it out to me i see"
god! so many emotionally crippled clueless people! just get OFF of me.
go deal, see a shrink! figure shit out!
it's not rocket science to learn communication101.

i'm also aggravated that he reads my LJ.
i know my dad does too.
everyone is freakig reading which makes it all the harder for me to write there without censoring myself.
but fuck, i just need to press on.
i'm not making them read my journal.
so if they are bugged by anything on there then just don't read it!


yarg!

i like to help people out but there is only so much i can do and only so much of me to go around!

i do my best, and i've given it all but now i must retreat and recharge my batteries.

tonight the wizard of oz is on tv :)
so i am just going to eat fruit and squash and watch the wizard of oz and crochet!

no drama for me please!
EXTRICATE!

i shake it all off me!

i am building a pink fluffy cloud wall of goodness and safety around me. a silken parachute made of strings of light that is inpenetrable.

all is well!



2:04pm

above gif nabbed from bayarts :)
i'm going food shopping now.
back in a few...

+++

Your Horoscope for December 18 , 2005

You will be able to make financial or business gains if you socialize with people who work in your industry. Give a little back to your community, and you will raise your profile. Solving pending problems should be scheduled.

and

A cheerful mood
Probably you will react to this influence by feeling quite good. Your mood is cheerful and optimistic, and you may feel as though nothing can go wrong with your world today. Obviously this can have both good and bad points. All that is necessary for this energy to work well is to avoid going overboard on any matter, but that is precisely what can happen at this time. You may spend too much money, overindulge in luxuries or be wasteful. On the other hand, you may feel courageous enough to do something you have never done before. This influence can really build up your self-confidence, but be sure to stop short of arrogance. Any negative energies that you put out will become the source of conflicts with others. If you overstep your bounds, you will step on other people, and they will tell you so.

and

Although you might feel inspired today, others may not be as eager to follow your train of thought. Part of the problem has to do with your illogical process, for you are inclined to jump to conclusions now without the supporting facts. Go ahead and be as original as you want, but don't expect anyone to join you at this time.