december 16th , 2005

http://www.anacam.com/xmas/

holy shit i just had the THEE most INTENSE discussion with my mom's husband. i think it was mostly good.
more later... EXHAUSTING! progress?

i ....don't know what that was..but i think it was good?

7:58pm

some happy things:

 

7:16pm

ok, i have calmed down considerably (sort of..sort of).
took a bath, i put my flannel pjs on that have the clouds on them.
clean sheets on the bed. *happy thoughts happy thoughts* (sarcasm)
i'm going to dry my hair, have a bit of food, and then get into bed and read and lose myself in a story.
i've decided i will give my mom's husband the weekend to reply to me.
i think it's beyond thoughtless, uncaring, selfish, manipulative and bordering on cruel that he (if it was really him) left me hanging all fucking day without a reply.
if i don't hear anything from him by monday, i will write another email to "him" and say that if he does not reply to me and tell me what on earth are his intentions in writing me then i will assume that it is my mother who sent the email and i will call the cops.

you can't be my "stepdad" and just write me out of the blue like that, being completely vague and mysterious and then say NOTHING.
just leave me here...WONDERING ...all goddamned day what on EARTH is going through his mind and what the HELL is going on?

manipulative motherfucker.
he and my mother deserve each other.

this is a guy who told me that all my sorrow and pain were not even REAL. that i was just making it all up and that i should just "go worship at my dildo altar".
never ONCE did i make fun of HIS ridiculous religion but he thinks it's all well in fine to try to degrade mine.

and s/he thinks they can just EMAIL ME all nonchalantly and vaguely and say "would you be willing to write to me?" and then just NOT EXPLAIN that or write back?

now that i think of it..would *I* be willing to write HIM? has s/HE nothing to say?? what is this? s/he just wants an email? did my response of "why?" then fulfill whose ever need that was to get me to reply?
the question was "would you be willing to write to me?"
it wasn't "may i write to YOU? i have something i want to tell you"..it was "would YOU be WILLING to write to ME?"
notice the difference in intent.

"i want something from you...are you willing to give it to ME?"

and i answered ,which in a WAY means, "yes" because i DID write back. FUCK.
so if that was my mom or him...is that all s/he wanted to know? that i WOULD reply if it was her husband?
this this some sort of fucking GAME to them??

"hey, we poked her HERE and she MOVED! lookie that!"

i feel like i am some sort of alien pet to them that they are poking with sticks to elecit some "response" from me.
like i am an insect they are testing for "reflexes".

what the hell???

i was confused because the header did say it was sent from her husband's work. but she could have been there and sent it.
the problem with that scenario is that if i replied she knew he would get the email from me, not her...and he would be mad about this.
but knowing my mom's insanity and willingness to sacrifice anything in the name of her own needs, because she is so out of control.
her husband being mad at her about it was worth the risk..
she just wanted me a REACTION from me and she was willing to pay ANY price to get it.
if her husband gets mad at her...then she knows i have replied.
and just to know she "got to me" will satisfy her narcissistic craving for about 1 day. SICK.
she did "sacrifice" our relationship just when it was finally at the verge of a healing to get back on LJ, fuck me over completely and destroy any last shred of trust, to "save" her "reputation" from some person she neither knows nor cares about (all of it was a lie on top of that so she gave up our relationship for NOTHING...which shows how much she cares about ANYTHING but her own veneer).

i think i've just been had. yet again.
maybe she even gets off on the cops coming to her house.
god knows she loves a man in a uniform. maybe she has some secret handcuff fantasies.
look how much attention she's getting. cops with guns at her house!
oh, she can play it like a violin. suck it in.
ever last ounce. oh the poor mother...her daughter the scarlet whore. # 1 "babe of xmas".

and i've just been had, i think.


my mother and him..just 2 black holes sucking each other down.
who will suck the other down 1st?
tune in to watch 2 people slowly sucking each other's souls!
who will win as king martyr?
watch as the ambient abuse thickens into crazymaking stealth boomerangs, so thin they slice and dice and you won't even feel it until it's too late!
"what's for dinner honey?"

well, i thought we'd have a nice passive aggressive salad with blood of christ dressing with a side dish of your subsconsious mind marinated in guilt and shame dipped in ice water! your nightmares were especially plump today and i thought we should finish those off before they rot!
and for desert it's body of jesus jello with extra tart snide remarks disguised as jokes!

yum!

god, i have GOT to get out of this negative mindspace!
i am GROSSING myself out.

bear with me...this shall pass....

*pink bunnies, happy thoughts...*

4:52pm

got to the store for cokes and eggs and bread and dog food.
now i am going to make a bath with the lavendar bath bombs and soak.
and then i am going to put clean sheets on my bed and then i am going to VEDGE OUT and read or something.

plus i am going to look for that card the cop gave me when he came over when i had to call the cops on my mom after i got the restraining order on her (that day).
and he gave me his card and said call him if she contacts me again.
and so i need to find that card.
because i think if that email was from her husband he would have emailed me back by now, and i KNOW it's my mom who sent that.
even if the cop goes there and her husband lies to the cops saying he sent it to keep my mom out of trouble, just having the cops come to her door again should give my mom a clear message i mean business and also let her husband know what she is up to.

if i don't get an email from her husband explaining to me why "he" wrote to me by tomorrow. i'm calling the cops 1st thing tomorrow.
and she can have a pleasant ass weekend dealing with that.

3:09pm

nest xmas rant of the year:

http://www.fuckchristmas.org/

hahaha! right ON!

1:29pm

i think i went to bed around 7am.
then i got up to check and see robont's journal and see if i was up as #1 babe of xmas and i am and so far only positive responses, so that makes me happy :) but my happiness is negated because

then i checked my email and now i am shaking to my core.
i received a message coming from my mom's husband, from his email.
but i know it is not hard for my mom to access his email, she has written to me from it before many times.
and it said:

"Dear Rachael: I got your email through your hat journal, nice hats. Your Mom doesn't know I am writing. Would you be willing to write to me?"

#1 now the way this worded sounds exactly like my mom and not like her husband at all.
first off, he would have written it:
Dear Rachael,

and than put a proper paragraph. that is the usual way he has written to me.

#2 he would not have said he got my email from my hat journal. he has my email. he knows what my email is.
he doesn't need to get it from my "hat journal". nor would he know to call it my "hat journal"
that is what my mom calls it.

#3 he would have elaborated. he would not just leave me hanging with a "would you be willing to write to me?"
he would have told me his purpose of writing straight away, not left me in this mysterious vague way with the subject title of "Private Message".

#4 the word "willing" that is word my mom uses when she is in nice begging mode.
would you be "willing" to do this for me or that for me?

the entire "VIBE" of that email completely striked me to my core as being my mother.

i am shaking.

i called my mom's husband at his work to ask him directly if he had emailed me, but i just got the machine and i did not leave a message.

i didn't know what to do.
i did write back. all i wrote back is "why?"

i will see the reponse from that.
if i get no response then i will know it's my mom testing the words and she chickened out and i am going to call the cops on her.
if my mom's husband it going to try to convey a message to me FROM my mom, i am calling the cops on her.

i am just going to be sitting her freaking the fuck out until i hear a response.
if this really is her husband there better be a really damn good reason he is emailing me, like mom is dying or he is going to commit her to a mental hospital and wants my advice, or he wants to apologize for treating me like an co-dependent abusive assfuck from hell.

any other reason, i swear to god i am calling the cops.
goddamit.
i am pissed off.
there are no words to describe how damn pissed off i am.

and here i really wanted to wake up NOT pissed off because yesterday i was SO pissed off about that abusive psycho rabbi who wishes he was hannibal lector.

now i have another abusive psycho "man of god" (yes, my mom's 2nd husband is ALSO one of them)
emailing me.

why would he be all coy with me like that?
he wouldn't. at least i can say my mom's husband would at LEAST be more straightforward.

maybe i am wrong. maybe it really is him.

but WHY is he emailing me?????????????????
why would he email me in such a vague and mysterious way like that????
how fucking UNFAIR is that to me?????

I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

ohmigod, and doesn;'t my mom ALWAYS do this to me???
when something POSITIVE happens to me, like CLOCKWORK she will pick THAT time to harrass me so that i cannot enjoy my moment of happiness.
HOW she would know tho that i would be the #1 babe of xmas is beyond me, tho.
i have not talked about it in weeks in my LJ.
i have only talked about it here.
unless she read my thing about how i am one of the 12 weeks ago and every day she has been checking robont's to see which number i was.
i guess she could have been that obsessed that she did that.

just FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

and i'm all out of cokes. i need to get cokes.
i need to go to the store and get cokes.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

sorry to have such DRAMA here these last 2 days but god fucking DAMMIT!!!!

if it is really my mom's husband, i am going to make him call me from his WORK #. so i can make SURE it is him.
there is no way my mom could disguise something like that.
my mom cannot pretend to be him calling me from his work #.
the only problem is then he would have my phone #.
but i don't think he would give my phone # to my mom.
he is an asshole but he would not go that far in his assholedom.
but then again, people never cease to surprise at their unlimitless fucktardary.

fuckin a.

6:11am

pictures that make me feel comforted and make me feel light again:

goodnight (or goodmorning)
i hope for a good dream that will renew me.

hope.

 

4:33am

shechinah!

well, i emailed that rabbi's wife in turkey those 2 links, just on the off chance she really did not see those links yet.
i could not live with myself if something horrible happened to her because she was not aware that her new husband was a freaking psychopath. i've just been sitting here for 17 hours now trying to figure out what to do and i just could not go to bed until i had sewn up all the ends from my end of things.
now the ball is in her court and she can choose what she wants to do with that information.
it's up to her.

and i can be relatively sure she won't have to deal with that guy in her life, physically, for a few weeks because he is in chicago for the holidays and she is in turkey. i just hope he doesn't have her password to her email, which he might. because psycho guys are like that and they want to monitor your every move.
and he already wrote in a story how he hypnotized a woman and got all her passwords to all her accounts.
so i know the thought has crossed his mind to do that to a woman.
so i hope she gets the email before he can get into her email account and delete that email i sent her..IF he does have a password to her account and he is monitoring her that way.
it's in "the universe's" hands now and it will play out how it will play out.
so i hope in her alone time she really has time to peruse that page and read it and take it in and get the hell away from that man.

and...if i am wrong and he is just the sweetest man on earth , well then...yay.

i deleted all my comments i made in his journal and his community and i banned him from my LJ.

i read more of his community. i really had not read more than just a few of his posts and then i only skimmed them.
so i really hadn't noticed what a fucked up idiot he was in regards to a lot of his thinking about his interpretations of the torah and kabbalah.

for instance he thinks that eve didn't "know" the snake because she hadn't had sex with the snake, whereas adam HAD.
i mean WTF does that have to do with ANYTHING?
just...really now that i have really LOOKED at his writing about kabbalah it is completely FUCKED.
i am seriously just so disgusted right now.
disgusted in the way he is using his interpretations to fuck wit people's minds.
but that is between he and them.
everyone can make up their own minds.
i've made up mine in regards to THIS.

he writes this one thing that is so telling:

"Satan didn’t give a shit about their light; he knew he couldn’t have it for himself. Instead he decided to take them hostage, captive, sell them into slavery, get them to make themselves dependent on something outside themselves to make them happy, or something. “Come, let me help you,” he said. “You can be even better than God made you, trust me, I’ll show you how.”"

THAT is him.
that is what HE does to women!
hit the nail right on the head there!

he continues:

"Again, it’s Eve who can see what Satan’s game is. She decides to hide the light, pretend they don’t have it anymore, making her and Adam unworthy of his attentions. She extinguishes it because it’s OK to extinguish the light: When your light draws unwelcome attention from predators; if you are afraid you may be victimized and think it wisest to conceal yourself in darkness.

Eve, you see, had not done the naming, that was Adam’s privilege; and he got to have sex with all creatures. Eve’s naming is confined to spiritual things. Adam knows the serpent for what it is, he knows it, ‘cos he’s had sex with it. Eve doesn’t know. Her naming skills are not aimed at creatures of Earth. She’s the Mother of all Life. There are things she knows Adam can never know. It’s always that way. Her interactions with Satan are not like Adam’s. Adam knows what earth is because he is of Earth. Eve is not of Earth, she is of flesh and blood and bone. She doesn’t know Satan except as an angel of light. But as you cannot measure the properties of light without interfering with the light - it is one of the most fundamental laws of the physical universe - you cannot plumb the depths or scale heights of holiness without interacting with it. So, Satan gets to know Eve, he enters the mind of our mother and by that very act of knowing violates her.

So there she stood, our mother Eve, Friday evening in the Garden of Eden, a minute before candle-lighting, looking at herself reflected in Adams light, naked, shamed and violated. She said, “It’s horrible. If I must look at myself in this light one more second I will surely die.” And gave herself the third legitimate excuse for extinguishing the Holy Light: If you simply cannot bear to look at yourself and feel that unless you put out the light you are going to commit suicide. And so, she extinguished, not her own, but Adam’s light.

Eve ate of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and forced Adam to eat too. In recognition of the painful sacrifices she made for the world, she is given three special Commandments of Challah, Niddah and lighting Shabbes Lights."

disgusting!
he is blaming the woman for being violated because she is shining LIGHT?
and she extinguished her light and adam's light?

wtf wtf wtf? i could go on and on and on....

is this not what HE is doing to women?
this rabbi THING has no light of his own, he THINKS he's had sex with a snake or something and he's sucking light out of women like a frickin vampire!
he is the one who is sucking the light out of people and he is the one who cannot bear to look at himself in the light and so he must extinguish the light in others.

SICK.

i just cannot even type about this anymore.
i know some of you must be wondering why i am so worked up about this. but i just arrrrrgh!
sexual predators and psychic vampires disguising themselves as "sensitive" or "feministists" or "father figure authority types who will comfort" and use these as tools to prey on women and lure them in...then FIRE like lasers beams comes out of my eyes and i turn into a whirling dervish on infinite flamethrower mode!
like a laserbeam i carve "I SEE YOU COWARD! I NAME YOU!"

eve does not have the power to name? *snort*
(he has a big hang up on this, just go read his stories...he's all "you're not worthy of a name. i will name you when *I* want to and i will name you what i want. it's a big power trip for him")

i couldn't resist saying one last thing to him in regards to that.

"if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck I'LL name it a DUCK.
it's not so hard. game over."

ignoramous duck.
ooo, only ADAM can name a duck because he's had SEX with the duck!

what a neanderthal in his cave clicking 2 stones together and grunting "i make sound, oh look i have a pee pee i make sex with duck!

eve BAD! eve have FIRELIGHT! cave man no like FIRE!
cave man no have SEX with fire!!
cave man not "know" fire"

what an archaic backwards dickface.

i was too busy reading actual KNOWLEDGE that i didn't take the proper time to really read ALL of what he was saying in his community.

i guess i was just so happy that a "hassidic rabbi" was talking to me and seemed to be knowledgeable that i did not take the time to really INSPECT it all.

well, i won't be making that mistake again, i can tell you.
fuck that noise.
titles are WORTHLESS things.
they don't mean ANYTHING if there is not an actual intelligent soul behind that title. and having a title does NOT make you automatically worthy of it.
we can see that clearly in our government.
or heck..all the doctors, lawyers, priests, scientists what have you...

INSPECT IT ALL, i say!
and inspect it all with a fine toothed comb!
i should know better by now.

if had tons of people with "titles" talk to me.
senators, scientists, grammy award winning this or that.
physicists top in their field, doctors, presidents, millionaires, billionaires...whatever. 90% of them completely LOST.
you cannot judge a book by it's cover.
you have to inspect it and go by your gut and logic.
check it all. check it from all angles.
and even then remain open.
keep an eye out.
always have more room to change positions and redefine things as new information comes in.

god i don't even know what i am babbling about now.
i've just been so upset i'm trying to calm down.

i've been running on pure adrenaline for hours and hours now.
i've whipped myself into a frenzy.

i despise more than ANYTHING men who lure women in with their charasmatic charm and seeming caring facade...setting up a feeling that you feel safe with them all the while they are sucking the lifeforce right out of you so subtley that by the time it's over you don't even know who you are anymore or what just happened to you.

it strikes a nerve in me.
it hits me at my heart for a MYRIAD of reasons.
this is the kind of thing that really brings out the big guns in me.
manipulation like that. feeding on another's light.
shaming that person for the very light they feed on!

crazymaking!!!

*lasers come out of my eyes and i burn the WYRD into their flesh with it*
want to play with fire, boy?
don't be fucking with me. i AM fire.

and "this little light of mine i'm gonna make it shine"


now it:s 5:55am...

i must tuck myself into bed and TRY to calm down and sleep.

his wife wrote me back and said she knew of those links.
she says they are all lies and she is happy and he is a sweet person. she was not at all angry with me, which made me feel better.
i said cool then, i wish you well.
it's her life. people have to go through what they go through.
who knows, i could be wrong, but i really don't think so.
i at least am glad she does not hate me and i'm glad i heard from her before i went to bed.
i feel some closure.

+++

Your Horoscope for December 16 , 2005

You may be busy, but try to find some time to help others. Changes at home will be beneficial, so do your part. A serious decision regarding education, travel or a money matter must be made.

and

Eager for input
Valid during several weeks: Today, you are more in touch with your feelings than usual, and you show greater emotional sensitivity in your interactions with others. It may be good to talk about your feelings with someone today. This feeling quality makes you a good listener. You are eager for input, and you would much rather listen to others than have to take the initiative yourself to start a conversation or make the connection that brings you together. When others talk to you, they will perceive your interest, sympathy and concern. They will realize that you aren't playing ego games with them.

and

Even though your mind is quite active, it doesn't seem to be offering you the workable solutions you might expect. You may only be getting reasons to remain passive or inactive. Perhaps it's time to override your intuition and resort to direct intervention that relies on clear logic. You can see the future; step back from your emotional involvement to get a clear picture of what you need to do.