december 7th , 2005
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8:26pm

why is everythihng a repeat tonight?
lost is a repeat, csi is a repeat. pisser!
i guess this gives me more time to read and research.
i'll give you all my link and notes at the end of the day.
it's so much, it's monumental.
i'm starting to come to earth finally a bit.
i was really buzzing there, i did have a red bull, but DAMN...it was more than that!
a very cool day, i must say.
i will be digesting it all for a good long time.

5:02pm

i am seriously about to EXPLODE with information!
my heart actually HURTS because i am so excited, like i am being overloaded with information on so many levels.
just everything is like bing bing bing connection after connection after connection.
today i saw some japanese calligraphy that made me want to CRY and my heart ACHED as i looked at it...and i don't even know what it MEANT.
it's like some inner me knew what it mean, tho.
i feel like i knew all this before...i know it already and i am re-membering now.
all these lives come flooding back....
i KNOW i was a scribe in many cultures.
i can FEEL it. i can feel the wooden handle in my hand and the brush strokes....
the hair upon the parchment making achingly beautiful symbols that are so RAW (RA)
the rawness, the fractalness of it...
IN-k on HIDE.
blood on pa-per.

the wooden Spoke in my han-D...tur-N-ing.

letters coming to life, multidimensional and RAw.

i am so excited and hurting and happy. aching!
it hurts it hurts.
i can't stand it i want to go squish into a tiny ball and go in my closet and also run through the streets screaming.

i know i sound nuts.
but i AM getting to the NUT.

the mother nut.

the fire in my heart.

i can't take it in fast enough. it hurts.
i am in love with time and i hate time.

T-i-ME

time is me and a cross.

4:32pm

ah, knowledge knowledge knowledge!
love it love it love it!

the hebrew letter shin i am now learning about.
i think it has something to do with the fleur de lis.
also there is this 3 pronged thing that phoenician people hold in their hand when doing something.
i see this inscribed in stone. i find the pictures on the net (thanks internet!)

now you may ask me, why i am even interested in these seemingly arbritrary symbols, pictures, numbers, etc?
it is because they make up "the matrix". and i want to understand how the matrix works so i can move around in it more freely and manifest the things i want and make sure to not manifest that which i do not want.
these symbols are pieces to the matrix/game. and even tho all of this is just a game/hologram is helps to know what game you are even IN so one can maneuver!

http://www.meru.org/letteressays/letterindex.html

this is only one set of "instructions" and amongst perhaps infinite "instructions" (sometimes called rules, laws or commandments...i prefer to call them instructions or suggestions)

3:15pm

in looking at what it takes to be a sofer of the torah (a scribe) and that one should have Yiras Hashem while writing it (fear of heaven), this solidifies for me more and more how the god of the old testament, or at least the way he was written about or viewed is COMPLETELY FUCKED.

one should never fear heaven.
one should never fear god.

one should be humble, but humble because ALL things are EQUAL. not humble because one is LESSER than anything.

humbleness coming from a place where one feels lesser than...THAT is a sin.
sin being, in my mind, to not see the divine in self and others.

i am equal to god.
my body IS god.
everyone and everything is equal to god because everything IS god.

i believe there is a "place" where "god" can see it's "wholeness" and see "the big picture".
and one might think, naturally, that the place or being that can "see it all as it is" IS god.
but this would be as wrong as thinking that our eyes, which can see our whole body and the world around us, are the "god" of the body or world.
but my eyes cannot work by themselves. they need my heart and stomache and brain and all the rest of it in order to see. so if my eyes thought they were the most important feature of my body just because they can perceive the whole picture, they would be wrong. each part of the body helps the other parts achieve their function.

this body i am in, and who i am as a BEing, makes up part of god. i am only one part of the eye.
or maybe i am a part of the small instestine.
no matter, i am still an equal and valid part of god.

i would not worship only the eye.
i will not "worship" anything.
(unless by worship you mean a loving acknowledgement and thankfulness)
but i will ACKNOWLEDGE and give REVERENCE to it all.
i will HELP the eye be the best eye it can, to function to the best of it's ability and more. and the same goes for my part in "it all".

i will strive to see the divine in everything.
i realize i am no where NEAR achieving that.
but my acknowledgement of it's importance is a step in the right direction.

but for sure i would not worship anything that:

1. demands to be worshipped. if you ARE god why would you NEED to be worshipped?
that feels very insecure to me and no god, to me, would ever NEED, WANT or demand to be worshipped.

2. wants or demands to be feared. that is just fuct up.

if you are god why would you need anyone to fear you? even if it is to acknowledge that you are "lower" then "it"?
god should feel secure enough in it's godness to not need to be acknowledged or feared in this way.

3. calls anyone or anything "the enemy" and plays an active role in "helping" his/her "favourite chosen people" kill off or hurt "the enemy". that is fucked up.
killing and hurting "the enemy" only kills and hurts yourself because evrything is one.
any "god" who would give directions/instructions on how to "win" a war against "the enemy" is not GOD.

if any being requires any of these things...then that god is not god.

but there could be a being who "sees it all", definitely. but if this being calls himself a god, s/he is not.
s/he is an eye. an all seeing eye. (like on the dollar bill).
and an all seeing eye is part of a body.

of course it would make sense to listen to and acknowledge information that an "all seeing eye" gives out.
just as it would be logical to listen to what YOUR eyes are telling you as you walk down a street so that you do not stumble and fall down a flight of stairs, etc.

but to FEAR the eye would be ignorant.
and to think of yourself as less than the eye would be ignorant and not recognizing your divine
place" in "all that is god"

2:54pm

grrr. i am still angry about what happened (read below).
everytime that happens to me i have less and less tolerance for that kind of behaviour.

in other news, yesterday i received 60 pounds of keys! it's about 3,000 keys!
so far i have counted out 2,000. and i have to take the keyrings off another 1,000.
time consuming.
the keys are very much all alike since they came from a place that makes doors.

i came up with the idea yesterday that it will be a twin or doppelganger of me that goes to portal north dakota.
my "other half" will stay at home and what i do at home will me mirrored in portal and vice versa.
this idea makes me very happy and solves a few issues i had with how to go about making this movie.
so i am very happy with my doppelganger (ka-ba) solution.

also i googled a friend who i miss very much the other night and i found out she is the main character in a movie called "sugar"! it was even at sundance, i think.
strangely, this movie also features a sort of twin or doppelganger of HER! and the story sounds fascinating!
she is such a genuis and she is one of the people who have had the most effect on me, artistically.
she was my roomate long ago.
i have to get in contact with her again.

we got fake married years ago. we are each other's "maninwyf"
we drew a collaborative painting/drawing together and then i xeroxed it.
and cut the original and the xerox into pieces and then she got 1/2 of the oroginal and i got 1/2 of the original, and i got 1/2 of the xerox and she got 1/2 of the xerox.
and i cout it all into tiny pieces, laminated it, and made it into two "books" which would be like our wedding rings.
then we ran circles around each other in the front yard exclaiming before our friendes that we were each other's "maninwyf".

then i had to leave to go do a show with my band , the blue up?, the show where we were nude and covered in mus...
and she left to go start her adventure in jumping trains.
she got rid of everything she owned (i got a lot of it)
and she got it down to just one backpack, and then she left to jump trains and travel that way, all by herself!
and she is only 4 feet tall! so she is quite fearless!

i love her so much.

samara hesper golden is her name.

i have to get this movie she was in somehow. i have to see it and own it!
i'm certain it is brilliant!

2:08pm

pictures:

http://www.ana2.com/private/today/33

today i am learning about
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tefillin

also about being a sofer, which is a scribe.
i am completely fascinated by all of this.
and this is all merging in with the masonic obsession with the cube and the two pillars which goes back to ancient egypt and before.
i am seeing a lot of connections.
and connections from my fascination with tying my hand with black cloth or leather.
it's all just weird and too much to write about right now.
i'd rather learn than write about it, at the moment.

---

i'm trying to get myself out of my bad mood because i woke up to a person i know sending me a photo of their erect penis and this was very disturbing and disapointing to me and it makes me very angry because it is so disrespectful and disgusting on so many levels.
an erect penis is not disgusting, but it's is disgusting to send a photo of an erect penis without the other person's consent.
it's the way in which it was done and presented. in the entire context of how it was done it was terribly disturbing and disgusting and i am again mystified and abhored by some men's lack of respect and ability to take control and responsibility over their own lustful feelings and not channel it in a more positive way and not FORCE it upon a woman just out of the blue like that.
that is not something you do to a friend or an aquaintance or stranger, for that matter.

it is an act of passive aggressive violence to force others to view your erect penis. especially when it was put right next to a photo of ME. as if there is some connection between MY face and HIS erect penis. i don't find it OK in the slightest.

it's fine to be turned on by me or my pictures.
that's natural and i expect it to happen on occcasion.
but i am NOT asking to see photos of anyone's penis.

but i don't FORCE my pictures upon anyone.
everyone is here by their own free will.
and by people coming here on their own free will is NOT an INVITATION for anyone to send me sexual photos of themselves, uninvited.
ESPECIALLY stupid blurry nonartistic snapshots of your erect penis.

so you woke up hard today? I DON'T CARE TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
you and everyone's uncle woke up hard this morning.
I DON'T CARE.

don't send me photos of your morning POOP either.
i don't give a SHIT, ok?

so you had some bodily functions today. WHOOP DE DO!
where on earth have *I* written that i want to know about it?
no WHERE.
so keep it to yourself unless i SPECIFICALLY ask for a picture of your erect penis, your morning excrement, or a picture of you flossing your teeth.

if i wanted to see that i would join YOUR site.
but i'm sorry i'm just NOT INTO joining sites that feature photos of erect penises. it's NOT MY THING.

i do not get ANY amount of pleasure from viewing an erect penis that is NOT attached to my boyfriend.

when someone FORCES me to view their erect penis i find it threatening and violent.

so if you are not my boyfriend, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF or show others who are actually interested. because *I* am NOT interested!

and to ME, it is an act of VIOLENCE to force me to view your erect penis. because it IS a psychological visual form of RAPE to do that.
because erect penises are used as a WEAPON.
and to force anyone to view one, especially in the context that i was forced to view one today, sandwhiched inbetween photos of MYSELF, i do NOT TAKE LIGHTLY. i feel VIOLATED.

i think you should seek PSYCHOLOGICAL COUNSELING ASAP.

don't even TRY to do that again to me or i will have you arrested for harrassment.
don't forget i have a picture of your face, i have your email, your IP #, and i have your home address.

so stay the fuck away from me.

1:14pm

 

+++

Horoscope for Aries (December 7 2005)

Money is coming your way. You've been through a lot in the past, and now it's time to say enough is enough, I want things my way. Attend events that will allow you to network with people who can help you get ahead.

and

Letting go
Today you may have to encounter and even oppose powerful pressures and forces exerted upon you, both from without and from within. The way you live and exert your energies will be tested today, perhaps forcing you to make radical changes in the areas of your life that you find are not working very well. The best way to use this influence is to let go of old patterns of behavior that today's events demonstrate to be invalid. Holding on to them will only make your life more difficult, and if you give them up, you will have room for the positive creative changes that can take place now. Also you may have to contend with the breakdown of machines or situations. Anything that tends not to function very smoothly will work very poorly today. It is time to straighten out the situation or fix up the mechanical problem.

and

All day Wednesday we have this flowing mutable energy, compounded with the monthly ringing of Uranus' bell by the moon. Living in the sensitive, changing flow is a morass for many that normally like it with straight lines and perfect clarity. The exact people we should watch for rash actions today. If you use the psychic kayak you can move with the waves and discern motivations with surprising clarity. Diverse actions come from similar motivations. Conversely we take common action though motivations may be entirely different. Wouldn't it be nice to know which is which?

and

A bit of panic may settle in today when you realize what you've created. You are still in an expansive phase, but if you've over-committed yourself financially, emotionally or energetically, you might have to reconsider your choices. Self-questioning is okay, but don't make any final decisions until next week.