november 19th, 2005

9:27pm

i ordered my dad an amazon gift certificate and told him which books i think he would like.
i don't want to get him a book he doesn't want, so i will leave it up to him to see if he likes any of my suggestions, and if not, he can choose a different book. i thought this was the best solution :)

and then i broke down and ordered 2 books for myself.
one is about master numbers in numerology and one is how the tarot corresponds to the tree of life.
and i got a cd by antena, which is a band from 1980 from france that is very obscure and it's one of my favourite records EVER (and produced by john foxx!).
i can't believe it's out on cd! and even with extra songs!
i have been wanting to have this record since 1980!

"Tarot and the Tree of Life : Finding Everyday Wisdom in the Minor Arcana"
by Isabel Kliegman

"Master Numbers: Cycles of Divine Order"
by Faith Javane

"Camino del Sol"
by Antena

ok, time to crawl into bed now.

i love my katie jane garside cd, btw, it's so ethereal, dark, and wonderful :)

9:01pm

i put curlers in my hair and a scarf on it. i'm clueless of how to put curlers in my hair.
i hope it works out.
jason and i watched some dr. who. and now i am going to fall asleep to "the apartment" from 1960.
i'm sorry i cannot grab cam pictures right now. it sucks.
i will reinstall aloecam soon so i can have cam pictures to show u.

i set my alarm for 7:30am.
i should make coffee now so it's ready to drink the second i wake up.

6:09pm

this is my dad when he was about 18 to 20 years old.
what a cutie pie!

tomorrow i will take lots of pictures of all the lutheran culture :)
hotdish and bars and coffee and cake!
(i hope they will be serving hotdish. i'm counting on it!)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hot_dish

i will go to bed early tonight.
tomorrow is a big day.

many old ladies will be swarming around me like bees, talking about my hair.
quiet farmer's will smile and eat their hotdish.
when you're the daughter of a minister it's like you are kind of a mini-celebrity.
everyone wants to be your friend because everyone wants to be on the minister's good side.
it's kind of exhausting but i am prepared for it.
my dad will be on turbo hyper mode.
and my brother will be, too.

my house smells like baked squash. it's comforting.

2:35pm

the progress in the thing room:


biz computer

all my
yummy material

doilies!
my new table

for my
sewing machine

1001 keys

my hand
alongside
a print of
katie jane garside's
hand :)
we are the same size :)

i'm so friggin tired.
i should eat something.
i also bought a cheap matteress pad so my bed will be more soft to sleep on.
i hope it will make a difference.

could i bake a huge squash without cutting it in half 1st?
all my knives are totally dull. i don't think i can get it in 1/2.
it's a huge one.

maybe i could bake it for awhile and then it would become softer and then i could cut it in 1/2?

downloaded katastrophy wife, melissa auf der maur
and miss universum

1:26pm

got back from target. bought a black folding card table ($29) so now i have a table to put my sewing machine on so i can sew! although i am not sure i have a chair that will fit. all i have is a tiny stool and that may be to short so i may have to go back to get a folding chair. oh wait, i have my wicker chair :)

bought a bit of food, too. it's so weird how you can go grocery shopping at target.
i'm going to go set up my table and stuff.

my aloecam which is the software i use to capture my cam images has ceased working. i don't know why.
i need to reinstall it.
i got up really early today. before 9am. had a headache.
i'm so sleepy now but i have yo get up at 8:30am tomorrow too to make it to my dad's last church service and retirement ceremony/dinner. it's going to be so weird.
i'll see my brother, too. it could be the last time i see my brother since every time he drinks he could die because of his bad heart.
very sad and intense.

extremely fucking intense. my mom will not be there, i made sure.

10:29am

i redid the poem a bit:

17 points of awareness


11:11
closer and closer.

look at the time.
caught in the crosshairs bewitched in semifolly.
seeping meloncholy flattering echoed down doorsteps into being.
man sighs. many lies. tried goodbyes.
rice thrown over your shoulder.
you're worth your salt
now you're older, bolder, colder

no need to mold her
you told her that you sold her
you're still trying to hold her with your holographic soldier
searching in an empty folder

don't wait for me because i'm always too forward.
let's begin again, it's over

i'm uploading to you. can you feel it?
i'm uploading and uploading.
my hardware aches.
i'm downloading and downloading.
can you feel it?
my software bakes.

crystal cannons on the tip of your tongue.
half sentences jarred deep inside your lung.

frozen alphabets hang midpoint between longing and form.
tiphereths drop from my eyes.
each one an apple for you unfolding like an origami locust.
you stare but are you aware?

the heaviness of the orb sinks into my hand.
i could get lost there.
i am
17 points of awareness now heading your way, directionless.
patternless joy.

what will happen now?
don't speak.

+++

Your Horoscope for November 19 , 2005

Stop dwelling on the things you can't change. Do whatever you can to keep your feet on the ground and your head out of the clouds. It will be common sense that prevails in the end.

and


Not all that bad
At this time you may be tempted to withdraw and keep your feelings secret, especially if you are at all insecure about your inner self. Perhaps you, like many people, have always felt that if others really knew you, they wouldn't like you. So you keep your entire emotional life secret. But whatever you hide from others, you will also hide from yourself. And whatever you hide from yourself can control you without your being aware of it. This is a time when your unconscious attitudes and fears can be very difficult. You need to communicate your deep inner feelings to another person, preferably someone you can trust. Probably you will not feel much like socializing now. And in fact it is a good time to be alone and face any aspect of yourself that you are reluctant to face. It is probably not really all that bad.

and

You may go back and forth today between excitement and fear. One moment you want to be under the spotlight and the next you'd rather be hiding under the blankets safe at home. Part of your problem would diminish if you just stopped pushing. Take some time to address your own needs, even if you think expressing them is a sign of weakness. The truth is that connecting with the more vulnerable parts of yourself may not be fun, but can be endearing and will help you grow closer to another person.

and

Saturday is an all day Cancer event. It's the longest transit of the moon in any month so we might as well become fluid with what flavor it brings us every 28 days. In the afternoon and evening it runs through an aspect of Venus and Mars, giving us a review on those energies. How do they fit in our home? Here we have a vision on how they integrate with the emotional body, the ebb and flows of them through the emotions we generate and those we absorb. Getting in touch with how much we absorb rather then just trudging through it can help us make adjustments to being a bit more unconditional, leading to freer, more brilliant emotions.