november 18th, 2005
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6:42pm

i'm not going to be writing 50,000 words for that nano writing thing.
i just had too many other things to do in november and bit off more than i could chew.
i started writing somewhat of a story. then i just switched to stream of consciousness and then it just ended up being a boring diary entry. and now i have just decided to scratch the entire thing and end it.
so here is about 900 words or so that i wrote....which are pretty meaningless but here you have them anyway....

"wake up, have a cup of coffee!" blurted a perky disembodied female voice. it sounded like an am radio on low volume and it was definitely from outside my head about 3 inches from my right ear. it sounded friendly enough but since i am not used to disembodied voices speaking to me when i'm trying to take a nap, i froze in fear. isn't this a sign of schizophrenia?

the next thing i noticed is my hand moving through the layers of the ancient couch i was laying on. each layer of faux velvet fabric worn out in patches and shredded by the cat, foam, stuffing, a layer of cold metal coils, holy shit there is the carpet! how can this be? and why were my vintage curtains waving at me as if there were a small hurricane in my room? it was if i had taken 22 hits if the greatest acid in the world, the patterns of entertwined cranes on the fabric swirled into each other and as if some 3D animation, a horrible monster was formed from it and coming out of it towards me! i ripped my hand from out of the couch, now realizing i had 4 pairs of arms. 2 at my side in rest and 2 outlines in white as if they were a ghosts.
i stopped looking at the curtains realizing my own imagination was birthing some sort of creature and bringing it into actuality. it sucked back into the flowing fabric. the small AM radio voice continued happily "once upon a time there was a girl by a river she..." i strained to listen. i strained so hard that my own straining drowned out the voice. i was trying too hard. i was supposed to let it happen naturally. as soon as i realized this the voice bleeted humourously "thanks for unifying!" and left.
i shook myself from my state and the room returned to normal, i walked around the room in confusion. what had just happened to me? astral projection because of stress again. but this time a voice! who was it? a spitit guide? a ghost just trying to fuck with me? my own imagination? i would never hear from this voice again.

i've always felt a little guilty that the voice never returned but at the same time rather relieved. i don't know where this is going but i never do. i just had to start it somehow, and that is my start. that is a true story. it happened to me around 1992. i was working at a used clothing store at the time named ragstock, living in a strange alice in wonderland house with a woman who had changed her name to lorna doone. lorna doone like the book, the novel, the cookie. she was usually asleep upstairs in her sunken bed with the chenille bedspreads in a methadone coma state, always a paperback book with pages curled from so much use layed out on her face down across her heart. she never stopped reading. she would walk to the methadone clinic reading the book as she walked to there and back. she must have known the route so much she didn't even have to look to see where she was going. then come home, eat raw hamburger with buttermilk, salt and pepper (no, i am not making this up!) then retire to her bedroom and konk out with the book. i would tiptoe past her bedroom to get to mine and always stop and watch her and make sure she was breathing. i always expected to find her dead someday.

i am now one year older than she was when i was living there. i am 39.

11:11am
closer and closer.

look at the time. caught in the crosshairs bewitched in a semifolly. seeping meloncholy flattering eachoed down the doorsteps into the being. man sighs. many lies. many tries. many goodbyes. throw it over your shoulder.
like rice, like nice mice two stepping in rhyme. don't wait for me because i'm always too forward.
let's begin again.

i'm uploading to you. can you feel it? i'm uploading and uploading. my hardware aches.
i'm downloading and downloading. can you feel it? my software bakes.

ice cream crystal candy on the tip of your pointy tongue. frozen alphabets hang midpoint between longing and form.
tiferets drop from my eyes.
each one an apple for you unfolding like paper hologram origami flowers for your hair.
you stare but are you aware?

the heaviness of the orb sinks into my hand, it comforts and soothes.
i could get lost there.

17 points of awareness now heading your way, directionless.
they want to make a pattern but they don't, just for fun.
what will happen now? don't speak.

i'm being just terrible about writing in here. i don't know how i am going to make it to 50,000 words. for the last few days i have just been working so hard on cleaning and organizing my house and getting rid of things that i have not had time to write. i think i must write 50,000 words a month anyway in my journal in ana2.com. someday i should count them and see what i average a month in there.

this month was probably too busy a month for me to try and write a novel. i bit off more than i can chew, that is for sure. but at least i now know about this for next year.

pooka is napping in a patch of sunlight on my bed. i love the pookdog so much it hurts.

the end."

 

6:36pm

i can't figure out why those sex ed mp3s didn't work. it just made no sense! i could not get them to work either :(
so i deleted them.
also the cartoon would just not upload...like it would upload and almost be done uploading...then it would stop and start all over from the beginning again and this just went on forever like a loop.
i don't know what the deal is.
blame it on mercury retrograde.

sorry my cam is so boring lately. that's just life. it will rectify itself soon.
everything goes in cycles.

i'm going over to jason's for a bit.
he just got home.

 

5:20pm

wow, i zonked out for 2 hours. i am just wiped!
i don't know why!
maybe it's just the change of seasons and this winter all of a sudden.
it seemed like it went from fall to winter in one day.
i want to hibernate.

sorry the mp3s of the 50's sex ed records aren't working or the mpg of the hitler cartoon from disney. i will try to see what si up with that.

2:48pm

i tried to find out how to make a pyramid in the exact proportions of the great pyramid, but nothing was of much help that i can find so far.
started to look into tuning forks but then i got diverted into thinking other things.
looked on amazon for a good book to buy my dad for his retirement.
i am open to any suggestions.
i am radically tired, i don't know why.
i've had 2 cokes and a small cup of coffee but i am just SO tired it is almost painful.
i think i have to give in and take a nap.

 

+++

Horoscope for Aries (November 18 2005)

Take a moment to readjust yourself and your plans. Emotional matters will escalate as the day progresses. Brace yourself: Someone is likely to question you.

and

Heart over mind
Weak, transient effect: This influence usually denotes a brief period of good feelings and generosity toward others. This morning you feel that everything is all right, and you have nothing to fear. You express your self- confidence by being above petty irritations. Not easily angered, you tolerate even the most harsh behavior from other people. But you probably won't have to contend with "harsh behavior," because the energy of this influence does not arouse it in those around you. You will get what you give ­ kindness, friendship and nurturing support. This influence can also awaken your concern for the deeper aspects of life. You may seek metaphysical and spiritual insights, but with your heart rather than your mind. Rational knowledge is not likely to satisfy you at this time

and

Your energy may feel blocked today, like you know what you want and cannot get it. Being patient is difficult for you Aries, but you've worked long and hard to reach this point. Don't blow it by trying to push for something that's just not going to happen yet. Give it time. Success can be yours if you are patient and persistent.

and

Friday ahh the Cancer moon. Always following the mental activity of Gemini, the heights that the intellectual and the flirty flighty can come to into the sign or real community and family. A watery nurturing sign that often brings a reminder of the part of the body/heart that is carrying some pain or injury. Here is where we see the path that was talked about and the effort it's going to take to walk it. Pass the tissues is a response that often happens. Let the tears flow but like following a river to it's source, dive into where they come from, trace them back where they were just a feeling, a reminiscence. Emotion is reflected in the body but is not of the body. Love doesn't hurt it's our expectations and conditions that bring the pain. Pain is involuntary, it's suffering that we have some control of. You can't break a heart, if it hurts its proof that it works, be grateful as many don't feel anything at all.