november 17th, 2005
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11:19pm

i can't find out why rocks having holes in them are considered lucky.
i know someone told me they were lucky, when i was a child, right after i found my 1st rock with a hole in it.
which i still own.
so i am googling the net to see what info i can find about the history of lucky rocks with holes.
and having no such luck that i thought maybe i had just made this up and it was a fasle memory or something untilk i came across this journal entry:

http://www.elsewhere.org/journal/archives/2005/10/07/box-contents/

(which is a GREAT journal entry and made me smile :)

and this person also believes rocks with holes in them are considered lcuky and seems to have also been told this when he was a child.

so what is up with that?

11:11pm

http://casa.colorado.edu/~ajsh/schww.html

white holes? :)

(found by googling : lucky rock hole center)

10:23pm

this is thingie's lj icon :) he has had it forever.
i nabbed it and put it here now because i am obsessed with all the numbers shown in the icon, lately :)
i love to look at it :)
thank you thingie for making such a rockin' icon :)

today, all day, i thought it was friday. that is funny because on The Office hey were trying to trick one of the people on it into thinking it was friday all day when actually it was thursday. and here it is now happening to me :)

today i learned more about pryramid power and how the shape of the pyramid swirls the energy out the top in a DNA like pattern. this is what the ancients meant when they said "A serpent lies coiled in the Great Pyramid"

http://www.subtleenergies.com/ormus/tw/2serpents.htm

now i am on the search for a crystal or glass pyramid in the exact proportions of the great pyramid.

i am completely fascinated!

i am also going to go look up tuning forks and see how they work and who made the 1st one.
the ancient egyptians used tuning forks, i think. giant ones.
i am going to research this.
the pyramid, tuning forks, sacred geometry....the 2 opposites twisting...magnets....
the symbol for alchemy! i must figure it out!

i found my old tuning fork from when i used to play violin. i had not touched it in years and years yet i knew exactly where it was. and i remembered it was an A.
E, A, D, G the strings of my violin. i was surprised to remember.
i put the tuning fork on my head and jason's head and all of the dog's heads.
jason and pooka could nto stand it, pooka especially freaked.
deiter and sebastian just seemed slightly surprised.

and interesting link on twisted things:

http://www.laetusinpraesens.org/docs00s/twisted.php

here are some more interesting links i was at today:

http://www.crystalinks.com/pyramid303.html
http://www.crystalinks.com/ellieosiris.html
http://www.crystalinks.com/tuningforks.html
http://www.crystalinks.com/conicalhats.html
http://www.crystalinks.com/ptah.html

i tell ya, that crystal links place is just HUGE.
it goes on and on and on and on!
it's been a wealth of information for me!
i should email her and thank her for it.
i have had so many "aha!" moments because of that website.

a few weeks ago i learned that a torus is a donut shaped thing in geometry. the plural of it is tori.
i wonder if tori knows this? she probably does.

i learned today that the energy of earth moves like a torus.
and it's interesting to make the connection with taurus, the bull, in astrology, and that is an earth sign.
and now that connects in with my wondering why so many civilizations worshipped (or still worship) the bull.
and i'm wondering what connections there are with that.
because that is just too weird if earth is a torus....and taurus is earth.
AND a bull with his horns is a lot like the symbol for a tuning fork!

now how this all figures in i just don't know!
but it's an interesting puzzle.

it's funny also, because my 1st job was at a donut shop.
and one of my favourite found object things i have that i was just DRAWN to, is this piece of iron i have that has been smashed and weathered flat by rain and trains..i think it was a washer. but anyway, it is a donut shape, and i love it so much that i hung it on a piece of string that was blessed by the dalai lama someone gave me.
and also on this string i put my 1st ever rock i found that has a hole in it.
and somewhere i read long long long ago that a rock with a hole in it is considered lucky.
and i have always wondered WHY.
and now i now why because a rock with a hole in it is like a miniature EARTH!

and so how cool is that that these 2 things are on a string blessed by the dalai lama?
the string has a special knot in it.
and so i am also going to now go research what this knot means and what this string means.
the knot almost looks like the symbol for infinity.

donut beads are also my favourite kind of bead.

i realized today that the tiphereth is the donut HOLE :)

and that delighted me to no end :)

ok, i'm off to research tuning forks and string and listen to brian eno's new record for the 5th time today and drink more diet rootbeer :)

5:51pm

i made it to the bank, finally, thank goodness.
it was good to get out and walk even tho it was completelty freezing out.
there is already ice on the sidewalks and the roads are white with salt.

i got my katie jane garside cd and dvd today! i haven't listened to it yet. it is her demos and short films.
the dvd i will have to take somewhere to transfer it because i think it's in PAL format.
the booklet is very cool that cane with it.
it inspires me to put out something similiar. i would like to make my next record come with a dvd , too.
maybe it will contain the movie i will make in portal?
that would be snazzy :)

j.d. casten, if you have not left yet, thank for for the snickers bars and buffalo nickels and cartoons!
especially felix that cat who i LOVE!
i hope you'll be well and be back soon!

 

3:36pm

"ambient abuse" ...finally, a name for it!

ambient abuse! that is the PERFECT word for a lot of the abuse i have experienced and witnessed. what a great name for "the kind of abuse it's hard to put your finger on but you know it's happening". huzzah for the this term!! i now have a name for it after all this time! to see it written out in words for me, finally, put into a concrete form! such a relief!
(and you know, abuse doesn't have to all stem from ONE person in order for it to have it's harmful souleroding effects. it can just as much be all the little demeaning, disempowering things people tell you on LJ or in the workplace, even in the guise of being "helpful". it can be all the little nasty glances from strangers, the "vibes" of judgement you pick up from people, anywhere, anytime, all the time. the things you see on tv, the spam you get in your email. it all adds up, year after year, day after day, like little drops of rain until you're almost drowning...ambient abuse.)

excerpt:
"Ambient abuse is the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late. Ambient abuse penetrates and permeates everything – but is difficult to pinpoint and identify. It is ambiguous, atmospheric, diffuse. Hence its insidious and pernicious effects. It is by far the most dangerous kind of abuse there is.

It is the outcome of fear – fear of violence, fear of the unknown, fear of the unpredictable, the capricious, and the arbitrary. It is perpetrated by dropping subtle hints, by disorienting, by constant – and unnecessary – lying, by persistent doubting and demeaning, and by inspiring an air of unmitigated gloom and doom ("gaslighting").

Ambient abuse, therefore, is the fostering, propagation, and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen.

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul.

There are five categories of ambient abuse and they are often combined in the conduct of a single abuser:

I. Inducing Disorientation

The abuser causes the victim to lose faith in her ability to manage and to cope with the world and its demands. She no longer trusts her senses, her skills, her strengths, her friends, her family, and the predictability and benevolence of her environment.

The abuser subverts the target's focus by disagreeing with her way of perceiving the world, her judgment, the facts of her existence, by criticizing her incessantly – and by offering plausible but specious alternatives. By constantly lying, he blurs the line between reality and nightmare.

By recurrently disapproving of her choices and actions – the abuser shreds the victim's self-confidence and shatters her self-esteem. By reacting disproportionately to the slightest "mistake" – he intimidates her to the point of paralysis."

more:
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse10.html

+++

and this sure hits home for me:

"Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem."

11:23pm

i just want to write down 2 more things that having been weighing on my mind and bugging the shit out of me ever since i saw my dad in hopes that by writing them down i can get them out of me and just move on with my day and get stuff done instead of fuming inside and feeling horrible.

1. my dad told me that my mom asked him to ask me if i wanted a mannequin of hers.
a. this is a mannequin *I* gave her
b. she knows damn well to try to get in touch with my via a 3rd party is in direct violation of her restraining order and she is using this mannequin excuse as a way to test the waters and see if she can get my dad to be a conduit between she and i.
c. i told my dad last time how upset this makes me when he tells me that mom asked him to tell me something and i have EXPLICITLY told him that i do NOT want ot hear ANYTHING about ANY information she wants to relay to me through him. EXPLICITLY i have explained to him this and been more than forthright about how much pain this causes me.
d. even after i tell my dad this he STILL tells me the thing my mom wanted to relay to me.

i told him at the end of our evening together, AGAIN, and VERY explicitly that i do not want him to relay to me information from my mother EVER again and i told EXACTLY why and how hurtful this is to me.
i hope he gets it now.

2. my dad made a mysogynist statement that he blurted out as a bit of a fruedian slip type of thing and this has really bothered me. i was telling him of my revelations about the virgin mary and how maybe this plays into one of the reasons that women are...
"STUPID?",
my dad blurted out.
i glared at him a look of utter amazement, shock, and anger and he QUICKLY stammered "uh...men are stupid?"
(good lord.)
and i said "no, that this could be one of the reasons that women are treated like crap!"

and then i dropped the subject immeditately.

so that was just. disapointment doesn't really do justice to how i feel about him saying that.
i just can't believe that at the base level of my dad, he thinks women are stupid.

and so those 2 crushing disapointments from my day with my dad the other day did make me in the most forgiving of moods when my so-called sensitive guy friend sent me those sexist jokes and rape joke the other day.

that's all.
i just wanted to get that off my chest.

now i will try to move on with my day.

10:02am

woke up at 9:20am.
the sun is shining but it's only 14 degrees!

i'm going to try really hard to get into a good mood today. i can already feel myself slipping into my massively aggravated mood because a guy this morning told me all my anguish about the oppression of women was all in my mind.
and that events are "just events".
well, what a really aggravating and ill timed thing to say to me.
i hate when nonempathy and insensitvity are masked behind some "sensitive enlightened laid back" guy going "it's all your CHOICE " and "when i was on drugs i'd get all paranoid TOO." wtf?
i'm like DUDE go to rawa.org and rainn.org and take a look at the world around you!

i mean yesterday with my friend i was pissed at, i told him that someone is raped every 2 minutes in america and that is the only ones that are reported and that women/child slavery trade was a 50 billion a year BUSINESS.
and i told him there is a war going on and he replied AFTER i had told him these things "a war on what?"

a war on WHAT??? HELLO???

are people that fucking DEAF? talk about choosing what you want to hear.

anyway, just google it if you are not already experiencing these things in your life or don't know someone who is.

In Western Europe alone, the International Organisation for Migration estimates that around 500,000 women per year are trafficked

1/2 a MILLION women ESTIMATED in western europe alone! can you TAKE THAT IN?
do you know how many women that is?
can you imagine 1/2 a million women standing outside your house? do you know how many football stadiums that would take to hold that many women?

Every year, more than one million children, mostly girls, are forced into prostitution and sexual slavery around the world. Girls as young as 5 years old.

An estimated 50,000 women and children are trafficked into the U.S. every year. that is jUST in the USA! this is REAL.

and this is just sexual trafficking and the slave trade! this is not even rape, physical abuse, verbal abuse, the fact that if you live in saudi arabia and are a woman you cannot vote or drive a car or show you body or face and if you do "religious cops" beat you with sticks on the street!

and that is just ONE country. this list goes on and on and on. about how women are burned alive, stoned to death, or even killed by their own family members if the woman brings any "shame" upon the family if she is raped.

women are still sold like cattle. and one in 4 women are abused by their domestic partner!

One in four to one in three women have been assaulted or raped at a given point in her lifetime (Commonwealth Fund survey, 1998).

the #1 reason for the death of pregnant women is MURDER.

Two million spouses (mostly women) are threatened with a deadly weapon annually, according to the US Department of Justice. One half of all American homes are affected by domestic violence at least once a year.

is this just in my MIND?
am i supposed to be MELLOW about this?

and i see DAILY how women are treated HERE in my own CITY and how *I* am treated.
this is just not a problem "over there somewhere"
this is not "in my head"
this is not a "choice" for me.

there are no special "mindsets" i can "go into" except for 1. denial 2. rage 3. insanity 4. indifference 5. or just giving in to the violence completely and becoming one with it.

i choose rage because that is the only sane option, in my opinion. and if you have a problem with that you can promptly fuck off. i will not be told to "mellow out" about it. that is condescending and invalidating.

this is real. this is my life and the life of MILLIONS of other women on this planet.
this is REALITY. it's not "in my mind".

and people need to wake up to this..
i am pissed off and i have every damn right to be.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (November 17 2005)

Be honest with yourself and others. Take any opportunity to do things with friends, relatives or neighbors. You can teach others what you know and learn something yourself.

and

To your advantage
This influence just makes you feel contented and at ease. Today all your dealings with family, loved ones, friends or business contacts will go very well, because you project warmth and concern for others. New connections made today may be beneficial in the future. This influence would be a good sign of success for a new romantic interest in your life. This is a good day for a short recreational trip to indulge your desire for beautiful surroundings. Financial transactions are favored during this time, and you should be able to negotiate in business to your advantage. Anything that you buy today should prove to be a worthwhile investment. In general under this influence you will feel that life is going more easily than usual, that with little effort everything is going as it should.

and

Although your stress level is high, a solution to your problems is on the way. You must, however, be open to the love that's around you. The conflicts you are feeling aren't about external circumstances, even if that's the illusion. These are internally driven issues and as long as you hold onto the past, you will miss an opportunity to move into the future. Let go and enjoy yourself without trying to figure it all out now.

and

Thursday the moon is still active in Gemini and the long building trine, or favorable, aspect of Venus and Mars takes place. It's blending two earth signs, Venus in Capricorn and Mars in Taurus. A very grounded look at this over analyzed combo. The bottom line is no one is from just one of these planets personalities. We are all a blend of both. This is a great day and waning lunar cycle that it happens in to examine how in the body we blend these two parts of ourselves. When to use the butch us, how to float the femme out there without it becoming fatal. It's not just clothes or body posture. Here is an aspect that will allow us to peer into ourselves and others to notice, and hopefully honor, how we are blended in the body regardless of gender.