november 16th, 2005
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9:35pm

well, he finally apologized. and that makes me feel somewhat better.
but i'll never feel the same way about him again.
we'll never be close friends. my wall is up.
sometimes it's like that.

4:51pm

i didn't make it outside to the bank.
i was just so pissed off at my friend for sending me those jokes and we were arguing back and forth about in email all day.
and then furtherly pissed that he tried to shame me for not having a sense of humour about them.


i'm really fucking sick of my guy friends trying to shame me into thinking i am overreacting when they regurgitate this shit at me.

when i was younger, that worked...and i would be quiet and wonder what was wrong with me and feel embarrassed.

now that i'm older i know better and i call them on their shit and do not let them off the hook and i don't back down and i stand my ground.

they can call me a humourless femmenazi all they want now, but that trick doesn't work on me anymore.

one of the benefits of being 39.
i'm proud of myself for standing up for myself and standing up against this crap.
i'm really sick of people telling me i should laugh at something "because it's just a joke".

as if just because it's supposed to be a JOKE and it's wrapped in a pretty funny little bow that makes it OK.

fuck that noise.

if he had sent those jokes around in an office environment he could be fired for it.
in fact i would make sure he would be fired or sent to sensitivity training.

i'm also sick of people who are in an oppressed or minority category perpetuating this shit and they think it's ok to do because they are jewish, black, gay or a woman so that makes it OK for them to perpetuate this shit. as if this gives them some sort of "backstage all access pass" to the shitfest.
well, good for fucking you then that you can laugh at your oppression but that doesn't give you the RIGHT to tell me that i should laugh at mine and that if i can't i am some sort of spoil sport.

fuck that noise times infinity.

i don't give a rat's ass if you are a black gay jewish woman with a speech impediment....
it doesn't give you the right to perpetuate mysogyny or any other form of oppression. period.

3:16pm

i'm in a riled up mood today.
i need to focus this energy on getting things done instead of imploding or exploding.
so i went and finally got a storage locker and moved a few things in there to get them temporarily out of my way.
so that is good i did that.
and now i am going to try with all my might to make myself go outside and get to the bank.

wow, it's only 21 degrees out!

1:21pm

something i wrote in reply to wonderfoggy about setting my intentions about what want to create and bring into my life through getting rid of a lot of my stuff:

"yes, i think i pretty much have, although i always leave room for the universe to surprise me (in a happy way).

my intention is mostly just to create space. space to move, breathe, create, live.

to be able to move more freely around my house and to be able to get to my things and find my things and then have the space to make those things.

also, just to hone down and focus more on what i really want to create and do.
like i do not want to work on a bunch of art projects that are secondary. i want to really sink my teeth in to art projects that are really #1 for me.

also, i just want to let go of the past...all that negative energy and pain from past relationships. crap from high school, old boyfriends, etc.

i'm creating room for new realtionships which only supoport me for my higher good. and i want to learn my lessons in happy ways and not be stuck so much in the past.

although still much of what i own, and will still own, is vintage fabric and vontage clothing, so there is a lot of energy from many people in here. but i think i am powerful enough to not let that get me down.
i don't get any negative vibes from any of my clothing and fabric, it all makes me feel great joy to look at it and feel it and wear it :)

thanks for the pep talk today, i really needed it. i kind fo lost focus on this for the last week and had run out of steam.

but by commenting in my journal today which prompted me to write this, my focus is starting to come back :)

it is terrifying for me, tho.
because i think i hold on to things to make me feel safe and buffer me from things. much in the same way some people who are overweight use their fat as a shield.

so as i get rid of things, i feel a little less safe, and i have to just keep reminding myself that i am safe. and so much of my identity is wrapped up in my things.
it really is like i am one with my stuff and "we" live together as a unit.

and i think that is a good thing when our things support us and we can use everything as tools. like living in a living ship, like farscape (i don't know if you have ever watched that)

but ya, my stuff was starting to drag me down instead of support me, so i had to let go.

but now i have to redefine myself without my stuff, and this is hard for me.

but i am doing it!"

12:29pm

today i woke up and there is a tiny bit of snow on the ground!
this building has finally turned the heat on which is nice.

more discussion under the bed, something i wrote:

"i see what you're saying.
but i would beg to differ.

when i am talking about "satanism" i am not really talking about a thing called "satan" but i am speaking of "evil". evil meaning ignorance and fear. those are the "roots" that i follow, not the names. i am following "the energy" of things.

and so, i would say that worshipping "evil" has been around for all of time.

for instance, any religion which involved human sacrifice, in my eyes would be considered worshipping evil.
like the god molauk which involved a lot of child sacrifice to worship that.
and is still going on today with the elitists at bohemian grove, for which george bush and just about everyone in power now goes there once a year to do their ritual "the cremation of care" in front of the stone owl, molauk.
george bush, to me, is obviously "a satanist"
as was aleister crowley and hitler, etc etc.

the worshipping of evil can happen and does happen in every religion. as we all know, we can obviously see that many people who call themselves chistians, are in fact satanists, in that they are worshipping evil and doing very evil things.

i would even go so far as to say that the human sacrifice level could even be seen as not caring if the people in new orleans lived or died and for those people who actually revelled happily in the deaths of those "sinners", that was worshipping evil and getting off and feeding off of human sacrifice to their "god".

in the old testament, when "god" tells abraham to sacrifice his only son to him and abraham gets his son all ready and is just about to plunge the knife in when god goes "oh nevermind, i was just kidding and testing you, you don't really have to sacrifice your son". i would say that was evil. i think a lot of the "god" in the old testament is very evil. because "god" is NOT a jealous god and should not be "feared".

but human sacrifice and animal sacrifice goes back to the beginning of man.
so whatever name you want to call it, it's all "evil" if that is being done. because it's ignorant and fear based.

and in wiccan, new age, or pagan or any of that, you can see that some people use it for good and healing and knowledge while others you it to exploit, control, and create fear, etc.

so when i say "satanist" i am just saying "people who do evil and worship evil and perpetuate evil", and these people are in ALL religions (or maybe no religion at all as their are evil atheists and nonevil atheists)

to just say there would be no worshipping of evil without christianity is too simplistic.

there has always been evil and the worshipping of evil."

i am feeling humourless today, so far.
not in a grumpy sense (ok, i am grumpy) as much as just a very serious sense.

i just went off on a friend who sent me these really awful jokes.
jokes about rape and boobs and penises and pedophelia.
just. gross.
i have a dark and twisted sense of humour but like jokes that make fun of evil, not jokes that perpetuate evil.

i will give you one example, the joke which bothered me the most:

Superman had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and was ready for a little fun. On Saturday afternoon he looked up his pals Batman and Spider-Man to see if they were interested in going on the prowl that evening. Batman and Spider-Man had other plans, so Superman was a little pissed. He was flying home when he was Wonder Woman sunbathing stark naked on the beach. "Hey," Superman said, "I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie and be gone before she knows what happened."
So Superman flew down, took advantage of the situation and was gone. "What the hell was that?" asked Wonder Woman.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man, "but it hurt like hell."

my reply to all these sorts of jokes (i am replying to a huge email sent back to me, so you are missing a big part of the conversation, and i am not going to post all the jokes i am talking about here because they are just so awful).

"i don't think i am missing the point.
jokes about rape are not funny, ever. not to me.

there was no implication that wonderwoman and superman were having a no strings attached relationship where she was consenting to be raped whenever superman wanted to rape her.
and you know darn well that was not implied anywhere in that joke.
the joke was that instead of raping wonderwoman, he ended up raping the invisibleman by mistake. that is the joke. "oops, i raped the wrong person"
also made more funny because superman unwittingly did a homosexual act...which is also more funny because superman is such a macho man who would 1. never rape and 2. never commit a homosexual act.
yes, i get that.
i still don't find it funny because it's underlying implication is that rape is something that can be taken lightly and it is funny. how is raping the invisible man and making him "hurt like hell" funny?
i just don't see it as funny at all. maybe if you had been raped you'd feel differently.

****adding to this.
yes, i see how this joke is making fun of macho stereotypes at the EXPENSE of women.
we are supposed to laugh because these are macho super heroes who would never do such a thing and also they do a homosexual act which furtherly "feminizes" them.
but i would like to point out that being irreverent and poking fun of the myth of machoism and heroism at the expense of feminism really negates the humour for me.
furtherly, it is obvious that this joke also perpetuates that rape is ok in this situation because #1 wonderwoman is naked...therefore "asking for it", because if wonderwoman hadn't been naked to begin with then superman would not have been turned on and had to do something about his "urge".
#2. wonderwoman was already in the act of having sex, so why not just rape her , too? what's just one more penis added into the equation, especially if you can rape her in a sneaky way without her even noticing? because she already has a penis inside her. why not sneak another one in if you can get away with it?
because you know, women are stupid that way and probably won't even notice.
it's just like raping a cow or a child. they are too naive to understand so it's ok to do this to them.

this kind of humour is all too prevalent in our society. women are so invisible that no one can even see that this is even oppression. so often commedians try to use humour to poke fun of stereotypes and at the expense of women. and this is supposed to be progress?
david lachappel is a perfect example of this. he was always "empowering" black people at the expense of putting women down. you CANNOT truly empower yourself while simultaeously oppressing someone else to empower yourself. that is not empowerment at all. and it will get us nowhere.

the movie "undercover brother" was the exact same way.
making fun of black stereotypes for the reason to EMPOWER black people.
but over and over again in that movie, it disempowered woman the entire time.
you cannot empower yourself as a man or as a race by using women as symbolic furniture to raise yourself higher.

or maybe if you were a woman who had actually been in situations where the guy you are dating DOES see that giving him a blowjob is your "civic duty"
the flashbacks of being in a car with some guy trying to force your head down on him would negate any laughter at such a joke.

maybe if you had lived your life as a blonde woman with fake breasts. or just a woman at all you would not find these jokes to be so funny. because i really don't see what is so funny about being treated as a second class citizen, being oppressed, being raped, and being treated like an object or a pet or something that doesn't have feelings...pretty much day in and day out of my entire life.

there isn't a day that goes by where someone does not treat me with utter disdain and call me a whore or something. so , no, i don't really find it funny because i am in the middle of a war here where i am not even allowed to go outside at night on my own planet without it being "deer hunting season" on me. if i go out at night on my only planet, and believe me, it's night a LOT on this planet, which means i am pretty much a prisoner in my own house. if i DO go out then "asked for it" and "should have known better".

not to mention all the men who daily wish to "introduce me to their penises after dinner"
which is just exceptionally unfunny after it's happened to you 500 billion times and makes you feel like a piece of crap with a hole.

it's just....awful.

so no, i don't find this funny. at all. ever.

as you know i have a dark sense of humour. but it is very specific.
i can laugh at things which make FUN of evil but i cannot laugh at things which perpetuate evil.
that's just the way it is for me because of who i am and what i have gone through and continue to go through in my life."

+++

Horoscope for Aries (November 16 2005)

It doesn't hurt to ask questions or for advice. You can spare yourself a lot of anguish if you refrain from thinking you know it all. Don't let your emotions force you into making a poor decision.

and

An overall plan
This influence signifies a great opportunity to know yourself through your relationship with and effect upon your environment. You are highly disciplined and able to channel all your energies toward any objective you wish to attain. There is a close relationship between who you are and what you do. So take this opportunity to examine your life and the structures you have built into it. Today you can organize and make an overall plan for the way you would like to order your affairs and then arrange them accordingly. Because you work very thoroughly and meticulously under this influence, your efforts will achieve lasting results. This is also a good time to undertake any intellectual discipline or technique that requires concentration and attention to detail.

and

Thoughts of old wounds may come to the surface today, impacting your effectiveness by reminding you of an Achilles heel. These memories will get in your way only if you get hooked by the insecurities they bring up. Your best strategy now is to confront your fears without resistance, while realizing that your current situation is different than the one in the past.

and

Wednesday we have a bit of a lunar hangover but the Moon has slipped into Gemini while most of us have slept providing a bit of sizzle and energy. Plenty of chat abounds, realize that lots of times this is where the talking takes place and always remember that you or the person making a deal with you may have a tough time walking that talk. There is a building aspect with Mercury and Uranus, so it's possible that things could be blurted out that on the surface seem totally impossible to implement yet on a second think through are just a completely fresh take and with a shift of the mind become the new standard. So quickly that we forget the old way we did those things or thought about them. Try and not loose that transition as it has a telling part of the process in how we create new patterns.