november 9th, 2005
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5:41pm

nope. still did not get anything done today. oh well.
i got so much done all the other days maybe it's ok to have 2 days where i am not as productive.
now i'm downloading some johnny cash.

3:09pm

i'm not getting anything done today. my fear of my momentum on cleaning being stopped if i took a day off came true. i have lost my momentum. i need to get it back! i will....
must...rip...myself...away...from the computer....
aimlessly surfing.....

i weighed myself today and i weigh 103.6 at 23% bodyfat (according to jason's scale)
so i am closer to my 3 goals i have for the end of this year.

1. get all taxes done
2. rid myself of 1/2 the things from the thing room
3. weigh 100 pounds.

my mom deleted her LJ again and made a few whiney goodbyes, as she always does, blaming everyone else for her problems but herself.

and i thought and wrote about this in my LJ:

positive aspects about menopause?

i know i am still a few years off from getting menopause (i hope), but i do think it happens somewhere between 40 and 50, right? or does it happen after 50?
i was wondering if anyone knows of any good places to read about menopause that doesn't just list all the horrible effects of it. i am seriously dreading it and there has to be something POSITIVE about it, you know? just like there is a huge positive side to pms and having your period.

i just want to read up on it now so i don't fear it.

everyone i know who goes through menopause makes it seem godawful (and maybe it is and that is all there is to it?). but i know it doesn't have to be godawful (does it?), so i'd just like some information about it that is positive so i can actually maybe even look forward to it instead of dreading it like an oncoming train. i know there has to be something good and empowering in it. i would just like to read positive stories from women about it.

so if anyone has any good resources to share about the POSITIVE aspects of menopause, please post them here.

i did find this:
http://www.geocities.com/menobeyond/positive.html

and this book looks promising:
New Menopausal Years, The Wise Woman Way: Alternative Approaches for Women 30-90

++

reply to someone:

"well, for me, the positive sides of PMS (if you give in to it and do not fight it) are:

1. it gives you clarity and discernment to know exactly what it is that gives you pleasure and displeasure. and it lets you know with CERTAINTY that a. this person bugs the living crap out of you and b. when such and such sound/light/smell/touch happens you hate or love that. it's like a big red light going off telling you exactly what you like and do not like and it gives you the power to voice your opinion about it so that you can REMOVE the things from your life that are a hinderance and really get to the essence of what you want your life to be about and do what you love.

there can be NO bullshit when you have PMS. it is the bullshit detector and cleaner-outer!

2. once you have cleared away all the things that are in your way and bug you, you will have SO much energy to do whatever it is you LOVE!
you will have so much energy and focus and drive you could build a bridge or a dam or a building!

3. my senses are really heightened so when i do the things i love they are all the more pleasureable.
like if i give into my cravings and eat what my body wants to eat it is DIVINE. i love the pure carnel pleasure of indulging in food and bubblebaths when i have PMS. everything is heightened...so sounds and lights can be very irritating but they can be equally wonderful if you choose the right sounds and scents and things to indulge in.

4. it allows me to cry more which is also a good release. i love my heightened sensitivity to everything. it makes me feel more in "in the now" and IN my life, engaged in it.

the positive aspects of my period are:

1. i feel very physical in a good way. my orgasms are WAY more intense.

2. red is my favourite colour and i actually think blood is pretty cool, but maybe i am weird and vampiric in that :) but i think there is something really sexy about blood. and it's shed in a nonviolent way so yay!
it makes me feel more connected to my body and such.
and with each period i go "yay! i'm not pregnant!" and i celebrate the fact that i am creating more SPACE in this world by choosing to not create babies but create in other ways that i, personally, find more fulfilling for ME.

and the fact that all of this happens in cycles is very cool, each week brings me a new insight and way to deal with things.

i have the week before my period, the week i have my period, and then 2 weeks where i am in a middle ground. and if i stay in touch with myself and my body/mind/spirit, and "go with the flow" of my cycles, i find i can take full advantage of each cycle i am in.

i hope that makes sense."

1:00pm

it's toasty warm in here now. almost too toasty, actually.
i am getting SO much more spam lately that is not getting caught in gmail's spam filter.
it's just crazy. it's all about stocks and stuff. i can't figure out how to filter it out since it always has a different title and a different email. it's driving me nuts.

12:08pm

my bio is up at the sex worker's art show for 2006
even tho i am not going to be actually touring with them, physically.

i think the new design is very pretty!

 

yesterday:

http://blogs.citypages.com/jwalsh/

jim walsh says:
"Jim Walsh's weekly mix of 20 (or so) downloadable tunes (11/07)
For this week's mix, I asked a few (OK, more than a few) folks to recommend
one song to the wise, beautiful, and faithful Walsh Filers out there and say why
they dig what they're digging. The playlist:"

and then he lists which song i picked along with some really great musicians i love and the songs they picked!
john doe, bob mould, billy bragg and paul metzger (my friend, fuzzybumblebee's husband) and more!
sa-weet!
i see my 1st boyfriend (from high school), ed, is still listening to the byrds.

http://blogs.citypages.com/jwalsh/

as i was all tucked in to go to bed last night the thought of getting rid of my box of logitech cams weighed on me, and i had to go run to the trash to see if the box was still there, and it was, no one had touched it.
and so i brought it back in to my house. i'm bad!
but seriously there are some in there that work (i think) i even tho i do not know if any work on windows xp, i think i have to give it a try anyway, because the logitech cams that are black from the 90's do a certain "effect" that none of the others do. logitech probably thinks of this "effect" as a fault of their cam, because in the newer models they "fixed" it so it wouldn't do that anymore.
but as i was laying in bed i remembered all the wonderful little quirks those cams had and how much i miss them.
so now i am going to go through them and see if i can get any of them to work.

i'm feeling a lot better today. my back is still sore but not as bad, which means i can work more today and screw up my back again. ha :)

it's a beautiful fall day and i'm watching the trains and barges go past my window. the sun peaks through every now and then fro the clouds. 1/2 of the earth of brown now. and i have my oven on 400 degrees to warm it up in here and i'm drinking my coke for breakfast.

tonight is finally a new episode of lost!!! lost lost lost!!!!!
yayayayayayayayay!!!!!!!!

+++

Horoscope for Aries (November 9 2005)

Everything is falling into place. Travel or picking up information that will enable you to better understand the people you are working with will help you conduct yourself in a powerful way. You can receive the support you require.

and

The appropriate outlet
This influence usually creates an amorous mood, making you want to relate to another person. But there are some problems, too, with this influence. If you are jealous and possessive of your partner, it may produce feelings of love that are suffocating to him. Recognize that even the closest relationship needs room to breathe, and avoid being overprotective and smothering. Your partner needs a lover, not a mother! However, you will encounter this problem only if you already tend to be possessive in love. This type of emotion has a positive side also, for it can be transmuted into a very warm, protective kind of love that nourishes and supports a lover. In itself the emotion is neither good nor bad; it just has to find an appropriate outlet.

and

Your energy can run hot and then cold today. For the first part of the day, you may feel full of excitement and ready to take on the world. But by the time evening rolls around, you find yourself weary, wanting just to rest. Keep close tabs on your vitality so that you don't discover that you are running on empty in the midst of a project. Use your mind to stay conscious of your body, rather than pushing yourself without consideration of your limitations.

and

Wednesday most of the day is void of course. Really not a day to sign contracts or expect agreements made to stick. In the afternoon the moon heads into Pisces and we have some footing though it's in the water. Late in the evening the moon is trine Jupiter in Scorpio, the aware of us will be able to pick up on psychic messages from within! Not voices in the head but actually communication from the inner you! If it does come in an issue-tweaking message let it sink in. Sometimes the best advice is from ourselves.