november 1st, 2005
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3:51pm

nope, i'm still on a huge role of ephianies!
so i googled 444 resurrection and was taken here:
http://www.crystalinks.com/444.html
flip me out the door, there is the merkaba again. and thot (who is the maker of the grid)
and just everything....

also i had a huge realization about women.
i was thinking about the word "mediatrix" again and the meaning of that and how i seem to be shown over and over again that i am a portal or a gateway or a door, or this power lies within me (and within us all).
how i synthesize and connect things and make a bridge between opposites. that they meet in me.
and i was brought to this page:

http://www.sacred-texts.com/wmn/cws/cws52.htm

about the virgin mary who is the mother of god (which my name, ana, means by the way, mother of god)
and also how something called anna has something to do with TIME.
and then it hit me!
all women are this. we all have the capabilities in our physical bodies to UNIFY the spiritual and the physical.
we are the very VESSEL for which this transformation/union takes place!
as we unify and synthesize souls to physical bodies within our body and then the finished product (humans) are brought through our gateways, portals into the physical world and into time.
freak me out.
talk about mediatrix!

our bodies are like an inverse merkaba....instead of turning physical bodies into light, we take light (souls) and synthesize it into the physical realm of time! we are a gateway TO earth, but we connect and unify the spirit world wth the physical world.

now why this whole "virgin" thing came into such huge importance is still a mystery to me.
and i know once i figure that out, the whole reason why women are treated like such crap (and that we also allow this) will be understood more completely by me.

i know it just has to do with disconnection. the disconnection the man feels since he is not a gateway in THIS way.
and so he has put women into the category of "purely earth" (the body), man into the category of purely "sky" (the mind). and this disconeection between the body and the mind is fucking things up bad in more ways than one.

people in medicine are figuring this out now. but we still aren't able to make that leap in mass consciousness to apply this to society, as a whole. how we treat women, animals, the earth...anything that is of "the body" is unclean.

but IRONICALLY it is "man" who is projecting his own feels of "uncleanseliness" upon the woman...it is the man who feels "dirty" because who is the only person who can make a "virgin" be "unclean"? a man touching her.
so it really is the woman who is seen as pure and the man sees himself as evil. and then he projects this onto her.
WHY???

just as we do not want to take on the responsibility and power for our own alchemic process (from spirit to physical..and then physical to spirit....but in actuality it is not black and white like that but still a UNION og the physical and spiritual but just at a higher VIBRATION)..and we "make jesus do it".
so do we throw all of "physicality" onto women and make "them deal with it" while men go about dealing with their more "advanced" projects of "the mind".

this is shown in great clarity in the 1935 movie "the raven" featuring bela legosi and boris karloff.
where bela plays a man who is obessed wth making edgar allen poe's torture devices come true...
and then he falls in "lust" with a beautiful woman who he must them "own or destroy". because if he cannot own her or destroy her, she will destract him from his "very important work" of making torture devices.
anyway, that movie is FULL of great symbology about this.

remember that mary did NOT conceive "the sun of god" without the help of a PARTNER (an angel or the holy spirit or whatever it was that came down and impregnated her). she didn't just do it all on her own.
but because she did it (theoretically or symbolically) without a human man...is this why man sees himself as "dirty"? maybe even "worthless"?
is he jealous of this angel or holy spirit which "took his place" in the creation of a being and so by that rendered him "useless" in the act of creation and not fit to "make a god"?
and so he is taking this jealousy and envy and hurt pride out on the woman?

again, i think this goes back to the fact that man does NOT want to take responsibility for his part in the act of creation. he both wants to create a being (robots, technology, cloning), and wants to dominate this being, and also does not want to take ANY responsibility for ANY of it (unless he can dominate it).

i think this fear of responsibility man has for his part in the act of creation and his unwillingness to take on the responsibilities of that are what is causing all this nonsense.

man does not want to take responsibility so he makes up the myth that he had NOTHING to do with the "birth of jesus, the sun of god"...and in that very act chops the head from the body, and disempowers himself which leads him nowhere except to a place where his own body alienates him, as if it were some separate entity from himself.
but instead of unifying his body and mind and taking responsibility for his power in creation, he projects all of this onto the woman and tries to control HER body.
it's completely ridiculous.

anyway. these are my thoughts on this today.
and will change hourly and daily, as i am always evolving this theory.

1:57pm

yes, i have been procrastinating by researching "the endless knot"
also the platonic solids, the star tetrahedron and metron's cube!
google any of those and it will take you to interesting places :)

also...i think i finally understand the meaning of christ on the cross, whose meaning has always seemed to me to be ridiculous, pointless, and absolutely wrong.

and i think it still IS all of those things, except for that i have realized that it is a watered down and twisted version of ALCHEMY!

(it hit me like a ton of bricks when i saw a symbol for alchemy that had the snake on T shaped cross which is a symbol for alchemy and also the basis for the symbol for the medical profession..and then i realized the tree of life, the cross of jesus, the merkaba, the kundalini, and all of it fit together like pieces of a puzzle into one thing!)


the cross is really the tree of life of the kabbalah and many other teachings. and christ's crucifixion (ha, i wrote it 1st as cruci-FICTION...perfect!) and resurrection are simply symbols of the alchemic process, which throughout the thousands of years, has been completely twisted and watered down to keep that essential piece of knowledge from the masses and instead used to disempower us.

it's just so cool how all the pieces of the puzzle keep coming together for me lately and how i keep seeing triple numbers (especially 444 which i found out today is a resurrection number...but i don't know why yet) and 11:11.

and i have always thought that when i see triple numbers like that it means i am "on my path".
well, i ran inot a site today about seeing triple numbers and it said EXACTLY that...that it was the universe's way of telling us "we are on our path" if we keep seeing them.

really really cool!
even if all of this is bulshit, it's still very INTERESTING that others are thinking along the same lines as i am.

and it's all so weird how i saw hexagon fabric swirling though my room, as a child, before i would go to sleep.
and i intuitively, the other day, googled "hexagon fabric of space time"
which brought me to all of these places and all the geometry i am seeing in my head all of the time is meaning exactly what i FELT it meant, but didn't know how to APPLY it to anything.

i see/feel the patterns in the earth and how these fit with the fabric of space/time which circles the planet.
i have run into diagrams on the net to all of this exactly! and now am finally finding ways that i can apply my knowledge to help the earth and myself through these "shifting times".

it's just really really exciting to see what i have been seeing and feeling drawn out inot diagrams with explanations confirming my intuition.

and it's so cool how my dreams of the hebrew letter chet, the tree of life and tiferet, my dia-monde dream which is the rune ingwaz, all of these things....lead me to the same places...a portal, a gateway, a bridging between 2 worlds, a synthesizing and harmonizing of opposites, and time travel.
over and over again these themes are presented to me in various forms through my dreams and intuition.
it's really exciting! (oh, and medusa!)
(also snakes, eggs, mirrors, and chalices, kings/queens, eyes, scissors, spoons, orbs, ufos continue to be themes of mine)

and it seems that whatever i watch lately reflects this as well, whether is is watching all the cremaster movies, or seeing the movies cube and hypercube.

and then the whole tie in with saturn and the swastika and what is happening in our world now and how these events tie in with the past and all this ancient knowledge andhow this knowledge is being used for "bad" not "good". and how i can see now how all these symbols, any symbol, can be used for either dark or light.

and how if you are missing a piece of the puzzle, the "ship" will not run.

like christ on the cross. the symbol of that...so so so so soooo wrong.
i knew it had to mean SOMETHING because it is such a powerful symbol and it plays itself out in so many ways all over the place not just in christianity but in other religions and , it's just a common theme which seems to resonate with an awful lot of people. the whole "martyr thing".

but martyr-DUMB is what happens when we become FIXated on the cruci-FICTION.
and we are missing huge pieces of the puzzle which make is unlightened and so then disempowered.
but we have done this to ourselves because we were scared to take the plunge and realize how powerful we really are and what we are capable of. and so, instead of taking responsibility for that...we turned it into a cross for JESUS to bear and weigh him down...as we were symbollically weighing ourselves down to the material world only by choosing to bear a physical cross of suffering. we were scared of the responsibility of the alchemic process within ourselves.
we fear change.
so we made jesus , symbollically, do all the work so we didn't have to.
(which is a cop out and doesn't work, obviously)
and we twisted the story around in so many disempowering ways.

whether or not jesus actually existed doesn't matter.
what matters if the story and what this story tells.
and it matters now that this story be restored to it's original meaning.
that we are ALL meant to be beings of light, SUNS of god.

and i know i am maybe making a far stretch here that sounds like i am tripping on acid or stoned or something (which i am not) but it was very funny to me the other day when i, for the billionth time, as all of us have at one time or another, realized that the opposite of god is dog.

and this is funny because of many reasons. #1 men, when they are not being their enlightened selves and they are being purely only physical...we call them DOGS.
woman are "treated like dogs" when we remain purely in the physical.
so dog IS the opposite of god.

but then this is contradictory because dogs are some of the most enlightened beings on this planet!

and so through this new piece of the puzzle, and a big piece of the puzzle i got the other day when i watched the documentary "the famine within" (which is too much to go into right now, for me, but i think everyone should see that!)
i am seeing now why women are "treated like dogs" and men are "dogs" and how the snake is really the kundalini energy moving up the spine to the apple of enlightenment and how this got turned into a bad thing and women were eternally blamed for casting all of humanity from "the garden of eden" into a world of suffering...and how it shouldn't be that way at all and that's just not at all the way it is supposed to be. the story of the garden of eden is also massively edited, flawed and twisted in order to disempower us. but we did it to ourselves and that is madness!

so....with this "airy fairy stoner" entry i will try to rip myself away from the computer now and go work on the mundane tasks i need to do around my apartment :)

12:30pm

it's bizarre that it is already november!
i have a feeling it's going to be another unusually warm winter here (global warming).
it seems like each year we get less and less snow. unusually warm means above freezing. not, as in, actually WARM :)
it was cold in my house this morning. i woke up at 8am and turned on my oven and by the time i got up (11:11am) it was toasty warm. now i actually have a window open.

i need to kick some ass today and get more done in the thing room.
more throwing away of things and sorting, and i wish i had the spirit to tackle my taxes more, i just have to do it even if it's painful. now it's down to i have to categorize the months into things like "food", "clothing" "art supplies", etc) and that is sooooooo borrrrrrring toooo doooooooo.
but if i don't do it, i am going to be paying my accountant a freakng fortune to do it, and this is already going to cost me a freaking fortune the way it is because there are so many years to be done.

what i WANT to do today is go for a walk and take pictures and also start working on my photo for the 12 babes of xmas. but i have a month to get that done.

i just have to , for the sake of my sanity, keep going with the thing room and getting rid of things and doing the taxes thing because , as i said, i WILL be done with it by the end of this year. i have to just keep going. i have to push myself and not give up. i will not have any of this hanging over my head for even one second of 2006.

and then i can dedicate 2006 entirely to creativity and not taxes, sorting through my stuff, or getting retraining orders on mothers. 2005 was a heavy year and i'm through with that now.

just these last few ends to tie up.

+++

Tuesday is the kNEW MOON! After this cocoon of introspection, detection, and for some emotional infection it's welcome to have a fresh start. Scorpio represents the depths, deep personal and social motivations. As we ride this waxing moon for a fortnight we have the ability to make those adjustments internally that we've been pondering. It's a 'grand cross', that is a 90-degree angle of Mars, Saturn, Neptune and the Sun/Moon. What we do and also what we don't do will have influence for the next few cycles. Don't apply the pressure of success/failure to attempts of evolution; trust that even identifying the need for the change is in itself part of the process. It's a great window to express deep feelings that other times you can't, grace from the depths is on your side.

and

Horoscope for Aries (November 1 2005)

Your financial situation will change swiftly, so keep a close eye on what's happening with any money venture that you may be involved with. Your goals can be reached today if you state exactly what you need.

and

Needless conflict
Today you will display a great deal of energy in your dealings with other people. However, the problem lies in how you use that energy, for you may try to dominate others. Or you may encounter others who try to dominate you. Do not be so concerned with your own desires that your actions are out of harmony with the people around you. Do not be so willful that you actually get in the way of your own intentions. This influence can help you, because it enables you to make your mark on the people around you, so that they accept you and let you lead or help lead them. But you must be sure that you are right and that others really are willing to accept your leadership. Otherwise you will only create needless conflict that will bring you nothing.

and

It isn't only about what you say today; it's also about what you do not say. This New Moon activates your passions, but it's a luxury if you actually get to speak them out loud. Your feelings may not easily integrate into your life, so you must make a conscious choice regarding what is critical enough to share.