october 31st, 2005
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

11:08pm

w00t! i am one of the 12 babes of xmas :)
thanks everyone for voting for me :)
i have until dec 1st to make my pictures (i thought it was just one picture but i guess it is a set? i am asking him right now how much a set is)
and then he posts the 12 "babes" one each day counting from #12 up to #1 (so we have no idea who got the most votes until the end)

 

10:30pm

just watched cube and hypercube. so cool :)
i liked cube more than hypercube. cube was more philosophical and i liked the set design better epecially with all the "hidden" swastikas everywhere and how that fit in with the underlying theme of things. and hypercube was more scientific that philosophical but i still liked it. both had some annoying overacting, but they are definitely worth watching.

so after that i loked up tesseracts:

http://www.maa.org/editorial/knot/tesseract.html

http://dogfeathers.com/java/hyprcube.html

what is this?

does this shape have a name?

5:53pm

i totally forgot about paul mccartney's song "uncle albert admiral halsey"! ohhhhhhh, to hear it again gives me goosebumps all over!

4:56pm

got back from the bank.
bought 3 more 7 day candles.
jason is going to come over soon and are going to watch the scary movie "cube" for halloween :)
finally my popcorn rock is starting to form some "popcorn" :)

oddly, i thought i saw cris, of all people, walking down on the other side of the street as me in his halloween garb, in long floor length victorian coat and top hat, looking like a character from an anne rice novel.
i tried to think what to do and then 1/2 assedly tried to yell his name as he was a block away but i forgot he is deaf in his left ear so if it WAS him, he wouldn't have heard me.
still..weird to see cris or a cris lookalike today...
today is his favourite holiday and so every year we would make a big ta-do of the whole thing. our house pretty much looked like halloween all year round complete with coffin, spiderwebs (and real tarantula), and lots of skeletons. but on halloween we would make it even more so.
and lots of carved pumpkins and roasted pumpkin seeds an dead flowers and we'd get really dressed up.
many years ago, there was a huge blizzard here on halloween, and it was so much fun, we went and frollicked in several feet of snow. no cars were on any street, they were all stuck, no one was trick or treating. it was so silent.
the spirits of the dead are indeed coming to haunt.
ah, well...

i saw lots of other people in costume, too.
i saw a witch complete with broom, i saw a skeleton and a pirate drinking at a bar (i saw through the big windows), and i saw the grim reaper staring persistently into the drugstore window, for no particular reason i could figure. maybe it was someone's "time" in there...

if i get in for the 12 babes of xmas (i find out tonight or tomorrow), i have the best ever photo i am going to make.
in fact, i like my idea so much i am going to make it even if i don't win that little popularity contest :)
you are going to crack up SO MUCH when you see it :)

3:19pm

i was walking out the door to go to the bank , i checked my mail and there was 20 bucks from my dad! so i went to the little store and bought some stuff and then came home and wrote my dad and email.
and NOW i am going to go to the bank.

here is part of what i wrote my dad:

oh! i wish i could go with you on that day! that sounds like a fabulous opera!
but sadly i have tickets to go see a band on that day (a huge band from the 80's named bauhaus that i never got to see live in their heyday, but they have reformed and are touring again, so it's pretty exciting for me because they were one of my favourites)
so i think going to an opera and then immediately leaving to go out for the night to see a rock band for hours would be too overstimulating for me. know what i mean?

bah! i'm sad i have to decline :(
and also i would love to see you!

btw, happy halloween! i don't have any halloween plans except to still work on getting rid of my stuff. it's really hard for me to let go of things. i am going through boxes and boxes of stuff and it's happy and painful and intetesting to look through it all on my life and decide at this juncture what "energy" i want to let go of and what i want to still keep.

as i said this year i would get rid of 1/2 my stuff.
i don't know if i will exactly make it to 1/2 (well, i did get rid of the piano and that counted for a lot)
but i am making a lot of headway and have gotten rid of a TON of stuff. it's very liberating and also very scary for me.
i can hear grandma telling me "let's go burn it in the backyard!" (you know how grandma was always obsessed with gettig rid of everything and burning everything in the backyard. i don't know if you remember that about her but as a child, it was terrifying to me.

i think my things are like my safety net like some people put on weight to protect themselves, i collect things to surround myself and protect myself in the same way. just as fat peolpe as they lose weight have to redefine themselves as they see their new identity forming as they look different in the mirror, so i also have to redefine myself without my things...it's part of my identity and what makes me me. but i have to realize that these are just things and not really me at all.
anway, it's an interesting process to go through...and especially since i am turning 40 in about 6 months, it feels all the more intense. as if i am purging and redefining myself for my next stage of my life. even tho i know 40 is just a number...it still has so much cultural significance (especially as a woman) that it's impossible to completely ignore.

i expect you must be going through a very similiar thing right now as you must now redefine yourself because you are retiring (i don't really like that word "retiring", do you? it sounds so blah and unenergetic. i think you should call it your "renewal ceremony")

i think i am more traumatized by you retiring than you probably are, i've realized.
because i haven't been there every sunday for all your sermons and singing, but just i like KNOWING that you are doing it. it comforts me to know that there is this sameness going on.
a continuity. since i do not have a lot of continuity in my life...you doing your job is pretty much the very last thing that is still continuous in my life that goes back to my childhood. i don't have a childhood home to ever go back to, i don't have childhood friends. so you doing your sermons and your singing the creeds is the last thing from my childhood that still goes on. and knowing it was THERE and HAPPENING was always very comforting to me.

i felt panicky the other day when i realized this. that when i see you it will be the last time i get to see you, as a minister in YOUR church singing your songs (and how you, charmingly, can never decide what octave to sing them in) and the last time i will hear your voice and the way it sounds from a pulpit (something which you never got to experience you being you...just as i never could see what it was like to experience my band live from the audience's perspective).
it takes me back to the smell of pews and the smell of the hymnals and mom sitting next to me in her black beaver coat and her giving me an apache tear to hold to keep me still and the sound of your voice slightly echoing in the space of the church, even if i always wasn't paying attention completely, was really soothing to me, because you are my dad and i love you and i love your voice.

you get to hear your voice all of the time because you are you. but since i don't get to hear it a lot, it's very precious to me.

what are you going to do with your white robe?
and do you own all those different coloured sashes you put around your neck for the different times of the church?

life is so strange and impermanent.

i don't understand this turning 40 thing. 40 to me is when they had the big 40 party for you at the lakeland church and they gave you a rocking chair and then they each got up and told a story about you, as a surprise.

now i am almost as old as you were then. and this is very weird for me.

and now you are retiring. and i am sorting through my things.

and i am feeling a bit like how i preceived you and grandma and also grace...in that you don't want new things and you would always be getting rid of things. like how grace always had stuff to give us everytime she came for a visit.
as you get older you realize more and more you can't take this stuff with you when you die...so why keep it around?
and especially since i do not have children, i have no one to pass this stuff on to who would care.

although i might use my micro celebrity status and ebay a few things i don't want anymore.

btw, thank you for the 20 bucks! i was just walking to the bank to get some cash because i lost my debit card (i cancelled it and will get a new one in a few days). but i really needed some food right THEN. and i checked my mail before i left and VOILA, 20 bucks!!
so i immediately went to the store and bought some cokes, some dish washing detergent, some dog treats for the good boys, and some garbage bags because i was totally out. so THANK YOU!!!

anyway...so much to think about.

for my birthday i wanted to do something really unique and special. some sort of "rite of passage".
there really isn't rites of passages anymore written inot our cultural, which is a shame.
i suppose there was the graduation ceremony, but i missed out on that. and there was my baptism, which i don't rememeber.

and most rites of passages in other cultures have to do with men. there are not many for women.
not that i know of anyway. so i am researching more about that.

so, i came up with a crazy idea that i would go to portal, north dakota and make a movie.
i've been fascinated with portal, just because of it's name and because it has a "last chance cafe" in it and there are only around 150 people who live there. i've never been there but it sounds so "twin peaks". so i am going to go there and make a movie called "40 in portal"

(it is going to be incredibly arty and over the top..and when i refer to bono...i am talking about the lead singer of the band U2...who is a larger than life very messianic rock icon)

this is what i wrote down yesterday about it in my journal:

(explanation of movie)

so there is my crazy idea of what i am going to do for my birthday :)
it will take me the next 6 months to prepare for it!

but for now i must focus on the mundane tasks of daily life. sorting though boxes, dealing with my taxes, getting rid of stuff, and paying the bills. this year has been a tough year for me and i am not sad to see it go. but i am determined to start the new year off with a cleaner and emptier house, my finances taken care of...so that i am open to new energy coming into my life for the new year. and i can concentrate on making new music and this silly movie.

that's all for now!

love you!"

12:04pm

it's grey and blah out. time to get back to reality. as much as i want to think about my movie, i must get back to the mundane tasks of life today.
going to get to the bank to get some cash because i have no debit card and not being able to buy any food is driving me nuts.
i also must get back to doing my taxes. blarg. but i said i would finish it this year and finish it i will!
and also the task of getting rid of more things.
the box i went through the other day (then had to abandon to watch cremaster films all weekend) is still all sitting out. so much in there i have saved. ticket stubs. high school year books. a box that contains letters and momentos of my old boyfriend, cris. as i went through it i remembered we did have some good moments. and that was nice to remember, and i feel kind of awful throwing it in the trash. but in the sppirit of feng shui and oving out old energy, there is no reason to hang on to stuff like that, especially since there is so much negative emotion that goes with that. but it's hard to let go of things of people from our past, even if those people caused us an incredible amount of pain...there also was love there, too. throwing away the things will never erase the history of it and the impact it had on me....i hope throwing the things away doesn't make me forget the good times we had, too.
but then he did hit me and i ended up getting a restraining order on him. he's an ass.
it's complicated.
but ya, i have to get rid of it.
i think i may scan what i want from my high school year books and then put them up for sale.
high school year books don't bring back happy memories for me. and all the people that wrote little notes to me in there , 1/2 of them i don't even remember.
it's weird how times change and you can forget people. but it's weird that you can see their name and picture and then wonder HOW did you forget them?
if i get rid of these things...i will have nothing left to jarr my memory that these people ever even existed in my life.
that thought depresses me but i don't know why. maybe it's because i realize how i can be so easily forgetten , as well. our lives here on earth are so fleeting. so many people have come and gone that no one, presently, ever remembers they ever existed at all.
the shoemaker from 1849 on 4th street somewhere in iowa.
gone. if he ever existed at all.

it scares me to have such a "clean slate". but my brain is already full of things and i am always packing it with new info. why must i remember so and so from 8th grade who i had a class with?
why do i feel allegiance to remember these things?
i treat everything like it is a sacred cow.
every last particle of dust tells a story that goes back millions of years.

so what if i didn't remember that my bloody valentine opened for dinasaur jr. when i saw them at 1st avenue?
i thought that my bloody valentine had headlines. i don't even remember dinasaur jr. playing (probably because i hate dinasaur jr. and was deaf from listening to my bloody valentime with no earplugs).

so what if i do not remember every little note cris wrote me before he went to work saying "there is some beans and rice in the fridge for you, xox cris."?
so what if i forget all the little names we had for each other?
why do i care?

so what if i cannot remember the face of mr. gosen, my cranky biology teacher?
why do i hold on to every last thread the way i do?

i have drumsticks from bands that the drummer threw out inot the crowd, and for the life of me i cannot remember which bands these were! i think one was the stray cats and the other might be the prisoners. but i am not totally sure.

and then all my NOTEBOOKS from age 12 and up til after high school.
all the little AWFUL cartoons i would draw. and all the REALLY TERRIBLE POETRY i would write.
it's HORRIBLE, i don't want anyone else to see how fucking awful of a poet and a drawer i was at that time...but at the same time...to get rid of it would be not seeing how i got from there to HERE.
but who cares?
why does that MATTER to me?
do i really want to carry this crap around with me until i die and then after my death people (maybe) look though it and see this crap? not really.

but it's hard to get rid of it. once this goes it's gone.
i don't know. it's confusing and complicated.
it's completely narcissistic.
because i keep thinking "this will be worth something when i die"
so??
i'll be DEAD! it's not like *I* reap any of the benefits from dragging this crap around with me for several more decades.
i don't have children to give this to who can benefit from it.
i don't even know if it WILL be worth anything when i do. i may be purely delusional on that.
my fucking ego thinking everything i touch is somehow "special" just because i touched it.
special to ME, i guess.
it's ridiculous and embarrassing, really.

anyway...on war i go to try and sort this all out.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (October 31 2005)

The more you have to multitask, the more you will thrive today. You will find new ways to increase your income and a chance to do something that will put you in good standing. Don't let friends or relatives rain on your parade.

and

Subjective concerns
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you would like to be at home with your immediate family. It is not a good time to have to put yourself on display, show off a talent or make a presentation to others. But if you can bring someone into your immediate circle, that is, into your most intimate environment, you will feel that it is easier to deal with him or her. You feel a strong need to be on "your own turf." However, this influence does present an opportunity for you to be alone and to decide how you really feel about various matters. Your own feelings will be so strong and will influence your perception so much that it will be hard for you to escape them. Obviously your subjective concerns will take precedence over the demands of the outside world now, but this is as it should be.

and

You are action oriented, but you'll need to put in a good deal of effort toward communicating with others today. You can say what's on your mind, but still not be able to make your point. Be patient, for you may have to go over the same idea several times in order to make yourself understood. Staying cool can help keep a minor issue from getting blown out of proportion and creating additional relationship stress.