october 27th, 2005
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11:00pm

10:25pm

sorted by month 2004 and 2005 (so far).
i feel good about my progress.
i feel emotionally a lot better. jason and i had a really good talk together that was very healing and i feel a million times better now. *whew*

oh and i DID finally find my d.a.v.i.d. (sound and light machine for meditation. after many years of not being able to find it, i found it mixed in this box with misc. musical stuff.

today was pretty hardcore.
the nuts and bolts of finances. emotions that come with that, just everything hitting me all at once. going through every receipt from the last few years is a diary in and of itself that contains in it even more stories.
each receipt i found myself back at that place reliving all the thoughts and where i was at when i purchased this or that or came upon such and such a bill. it was very brutal.
so not was it only boring as all hell, something i hate to do more than anything, but having to relive that much of the last 4 years of my life in financial terms was brutal. every single receipt and bill for the last 4 years. every single one.
it's hard to explain it. but it really made me have to face a lot things and really "get real" about a lot things.
i don't want to get into it really because it was enough to just have to do it in the 1st place.

and i have no energy left to explain it now.
maybe i will somday.
but for now i'm climbing into bed.
and i'm proud that i am tackling this mountain and i see the top now...

3:20pm

sorted by month 2003.
now going to take a bath.
then onto 2004.

1:48pm

2002 is now sorted by month.
now i'm moving on to 2003.
this is excruciating.
but i'm doing it.

10:36am

it was so foggy this morning that i could not even see across the street. it was weird and added to my feeling of unreality i already had since i had just woken up from a dream where i was allison goldfrapp singing "train" on this really shoddy carboard stage.
but now the sun is coming out and the fog is dissapating which makes me feel a lot better.

i had a really fucking horrible day yesterday which was entirely my own fault.
i feel like a fucking idiot and i am traumatized and humilated by my own self sabatage of ridiculousness.
i don't want to talk about it. i hope i just learn and move on.
but i'll be licking my wounds for a few days at least.
nothing to do but just get up and keep going on with my life and getting back to the positve place i WAS...
so today i will work on taxes more because i refuse to derail myself from the things i wanted to get done by the end of this year.
just onward i go....heave ho...

+++

Thursday early in the morning the Moon moves into Virgo. If you've been 'planning' how you're going to get to all the clutter and organization now is the time to implement it. If you've been in total denial time to go without a plan and freestyle it. Sort like with like, have a bag for paper trash and receptacles for the trivial but emotionally powerful items, pictures with pictures, mementos with mementos, old lovers shirts, pens from past jobs, some of this just has to go. Get into a frenzy and use this energy!

Horoscope for Aries (October 27 2005)

You will be attracted to people who are just as diverse and versatile as you are. You should be on the move and trying to gain ground when it comes to your vocation. Learning will play a big part in your day.

and

Inner excitement
Weak, transient effect: This morning you can assert yourself in a positive manner and stand your ground if necessary. You may feel more courage and confidence than usual, which you express by taking the initiative in making emotional contacts with others. You speak very directly and forcefully, but without being offensive, which others will respect you for. This is a good time to work as a leader with groups of people. You understand what is needed, and you can unify your objectives and theirs, usually by talking them around to your point of view. Whenever you talk with others, you radiate an inner excitement, as if you were ready for immediate action. Under this influence you have the capacity to start projects, although you should keep in mind that this is a short- term influence and its effects will not last long.

and

It's not that the fun and games are over, but you can sense a definite change in the cosmic weather. You are more focused now as you try your best to get organized. Be careful, however, that you don't become so narrow in your activities that you miss an opportunity. Take care of business during the day so that you can have a bit of escape time in the evening.