october 25th, 2005
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10:50pm

big versions:

 

7:57pm

 

7:06pm

back from the little store with cokes, cheese, eggs, kippers and crap ass 3.2 beer.
i got the paper now sorted into years. 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005.
yes, that is how lame i am about taxes and how much i have let it pile up on me to the point of high anxiety.
but i did it. it's now in 4 containers. and i put 12 folders in each container and marked them with the months. now i go through and sort all the receipts and everything by month, and then by category.
i'm really proud of myself for persevering because this has been such a dark cloud over me i cannot even tell you.

"give to caesar what is caesar's"
that was the line that was the turning point for me.

after i get this done i can really see myself being a much more organized person.
because i had to do it MYSELF and i had to find my own system.
although jason has shown me a lot and so has my friend , zachary vex throughout the years on methods of sorting and keeping track of things. everyone has their own way and me being the VERY stubborn double aries that i am, i just have to do it in my own way.
jason likes quicken. jason has tried to get me to love quicken for years and years.
i do not love quicken. not now anyway. my brain just does not work that way.
i have to do it manually, paperwise. i have to SEE it and understand it. i cannot just stick it into a machine that does not really exist and then hope my computer does not crash.
i'm just old fashioned like that.
i can see myself using something like quicken AFTER i come up with my paper method.
i won't bore you with all the methods i have thought of trying and it did not work for me.
i just have to experience ever agonizing detail until i GET it in MY way. i'm such an aries.
it sucks. but this has been a huge lesson, and continues to be a lesson for me in how to manage my own finances in my own way.
but also how my finances affect jason and vice versa.
you can do what you like when you are single, but once you become a team you must think like a team. and this needed adjustment on both our parts. i'm sure it is always a learning and growing process with any "team".

i remember when i just needed the E-Z form.
that was nice.

also found envelopes and stamps and made about 100 envelopes filled with weird things for people who have written me in the past and i did not say a word. i hope these people still live at their addresses i have for them. better late than never.
right? i will make more of an effort to connect as i become more organized and my energy is used more effociently.

i need to make more of an effort to give back.
i'm seriously going to be so organized at some point that people will laugh at me when i say i used to be a disorganized packrat. i know i needed to be a disorganized packrat to fully understand what it is like to work through all the levels of this and come out organized.
i think a lot of people who have written books on organizing have been disorganized packrats to begin with.
this is all part of my feng shui training. to live with things how they were chaos) and then i can know the feeling of it once i make it through that. (life will always be chaos, tho, i realize)

it has been the subtext of my whole life.

i just need a healthy balance tho. i do not want to go over the edge the other way on this.
i know i won't because i have already been to people's houses that don't even seem like houses but more like hotels or some sort of temporary dwelling that doesn't contain any "soul" of the individual there.
i will always need things to be COZY. i don't think i will ever go for the stripped white walls and futon and that is all.
i have been there in my mind and it's a nice place to visit in my mind, or at a museum, but i need my home to be a NEST.
a womb. a place that is comforting.

pillows, webs, nooks....surprises, treasures.

although i am getting rid of so many knick knacks now.
but you know....i know how to acquire it all back, that is the beauty of it.
i'm not scared i will never have these things again...know why?
because there is EBAY and i am a MAGNET for cool stuff.
stuff just likes to be with me and come hang out because i love stuff.
like attracts like.

i have to say tho, i wish i had a victorian mansion that i could have put all the cool things i've owned into permanent "installations". i still have my wish for that.
but i understand impermanance.
maybe when i am not looking for it anymore i will finally have it.
(stability, a home)

i don't know if it's something you work on or something you just run into.

but i have a feeling that what i am going through now will get me give me "home".

driz sent me this weird rock thing that you out in a clear glass bowl and then fill the bowl with vinegar until the rock is completely covered.
and then it will make "popcorn crystals"
i am excited :)
i will take a picture of it and then show you the progress.
it takes a few weeks to grow.
i am massively fascinated with rocks. i am like a little kid when it comes to rocks.
this is just the best thing ever. i can't wait to see what happens!

i love earth :)

it comes with a warning "eating rocks may lead to broken teeth"
ummm, ya!
that cracks me up :)

this day i have been so focused.
i am zoned out and i cannot communicate verbally (as jason found out when he tried to talk to me)
i can take it in if you type it to me but somehow the sound of talking ...my brain wiring isn't able to function on that level right now.

i wish i didn't need sleep. i want to get everything done NOW that i have ever wanted to do.
but like popcorn rocks forming...i must wait.

that is the pain and the pleasure of time.

 

6:31pm

i got a lot done today in the thing room.
i won't even go into it right now because i am too zoned out. but it feels good to make some progress.
i can see the end in site, sort of, which is a unique feeling for me.
it's hard to imagine a life not burdened by mounds of paper and so much stuff that i cannot find what i am looking for or have room to move.
but i can see this slowly starting to become a reality and it's very exciting (and a bit scary) for me.
the more i get rid of the more it's easy to get rid of more.
as if stuff is a magnet that attracts other stuff. getting rid of stuff seems to have a snowballing effect, as well.
after i get all my taxes done, then i am going to start tackling going through all the paper i have saved which is articles about me in magazines and newspapers and cut those out and scan them. and go through photos and scan those. and then i'll be able to get rid of a lot of stuff there, too.
lots of band flyers, too. just..everything from my entire life, my entire musical career, my childhood.
just going to scan it in and put it in ana2 and so i can be done with it.
then i can get rid of ugly cardboard boxes and maybe get some nice square wicker baskets or something to put things in. or maybe something more modern, i'm not sure.
i just want to have ACCESS to my stuff so i can DO stuff with it.
every getting rid of any of my vintage clothing is still an unreality to me. i don't know i can go down that road.
probably not. at least not now.
then someday i'd like to get all my vhs cassettes on cd rom. and i'd like to turn all my music cassettes into mp3s or get those on cd.
i don't think i can part with my vinyl records. i can't go down that road either.
i'm just going to keep shrinking everything i own until it fits on one disk :) ha :)

---

i took some photos of my gourds today but i am going to wait until the sun goes more down to edit them and crop them how i want because right now it's bright in here and i am not seeing what is on my monitor as well because of that.

it's 48 degrees out and really sunny.
i may go for a walk and take pictures.
i think that would be good for me.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (October 25 2005)

You need to discover who you are and what you can do. Take a different approach and let your creative imagination flow. Luck is with you, and money will come your way.

and

Deeper understanding
Valid during several weeks: This quality of time will help you to develop a deeper understanding of those psychological areas that are connected with the experience of pain, suffering and rejection. This influence is especially well suited to so deepening the understanding of these interrelations that the first inklings of how to carry out a healing can be perceived. During this phase it is important to talk to other people who are interested in this theme. This time is well suited to penetrating the complicated connections and dependencies between human behavior, the psyche and early injuries - to differentiate between cause and effect -, whether for yourself or for someone who has confided in you.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Trine Chiron exact at 10:47
activity period from 24 October 2005 until beginning of December 2005.

and

You might mean it when you tell someone what you want now, but not so fast, Aries. You could be getting yourself in over your head. Most likely your feelings are quite significant today, but you'd be better served by moving slowly. It's your time to expand your search for meaning and to sustain what you have, instead of succumbing to the immediate desires.